I don' town these characters or profit from them.

Scooby-Doo: Those Murdering Kids

By, Clayton Overstreet

Not everything goes the way you think it should.

Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred, and Velma had just finished the case of the Robot-Scooby Gang with help from international man of mystery Austin Powers. A spy disguised as William Shatner had tried to use robotic copies of the gang supposedly investigating a Yeti attack on the Tibetan consulate in London to infiltrate and kill several foreign dignitaries. Fortunately Austin's spy agency had tracked the kids and brought them in to help.

Velma walked over to the bound up man and reached out, pulling off the face of the former Captain Kirk. He was still in the yeti costume, looking big and hairy below the neck. "And our culprit is…" The mask came away and the whole gang and Austin shouted, "Old lady Michelle Meyers, the woman who runs the local amusement park!" The older lady was shriveled and had oxygen tubes in his nose. Nearby was the fire ax he had used to attack them a few times.

"And I would have gotten away with it if it were not for you meddling kids," she snarled. 'I used to chase down young kids like you and chop them up all the time. Been shot fourteen times. Darn arthritis…"

"She's a Chinese double agent and a well known serial killer," Austin said. "She kind of looks a lot like Jamie Lee Curtis…" He smiled at the gang. "You kids are marvelous and I totally dig your style. Want me to take our criminal in to the police for you?"

Fred smiled. "Gee, thanks Mister Powers, but we've done this before. We'll take her to the local authorities and tell them what's going on."

Shaggy said, "Like yeah man, you've got important spy stuff to do, don't you?"

"Well yeah man, Basil was just contacting me about a totally un-groovy threat in the Middle East, but should I leave you kids alone with such a dangerous…"

"We'll be fine sir," Daphne said. "We do this all the time."

"Well if you insist. You kids are alright and I like your style. Swing by my pad anytime you're in London and we'll party like it is 1965!"

"Rounds reat," Scooby said happily, leaping up and licking Austin's face.

The spy pushed him off. "Back off, Scoob, I love free love but you'll wrinkle the suit." He waved goodbye and walked towards his spy car. A moment later he peeled off down the road.

'Now there goes a guy with style," Fred said. "Well gang, let's get Ms. Meyers here into the van and get her taken care of."

They did just that, Scooby and Shaggy sitting on either side of the old lady. The others took the front seat as Velma examined a robotic arm from the Daphne-bot. Daphne rubbed the rope burns from being tied up and said, "I can't believe you guys couldn't tell her from the real me."

"I can't believe Mr. Powers didn't notice the machine gun boobs," Shaggy said.

"I can't believe I missed those," Velma added. "This technology is really impressive."

They were driving for a few minutes before the glowering villain began to notice something was wrong. "You're going the wrong way. The town is in the other direction. We're heading towards the woods." She had been expecting to be rescued by diplomatic channels.

"We know," Daphne said, casually using a compact and fixing her makeup.

Being a killer herself the woman said, "Wait… what is this?"

Velma smiled playfully and turned to look at her. "Jinkies, I'm sure you can figure it out."

Shaggy shook his head. "Like zoinks man, no matter how bad they are or how many times we do this they're always surprised."

She felt a chill down her back. "What? No! You… you aren't going to kill me."

Fred said, "Well not all of us. That's Velma's thing."

Adjusting her glasses Velma said, "It's true. I'm mildly autistic and it manifests itself in an actual enjoyment in dismembering human anatomy. I generally focus my peculiar impulses on people who have earned my ire through illegal and socially unacceptable activities."

"Velma totally gets off on chopping people into little pieces," Daphne translated. "Though she's like that Dexter fellow on TV and she focuses it on violent criminals. You know, like you. That's how the five of us met actually."

"Like you're one to talk Daph," Shaggy teased.

"Reah, ro ridding,' Scooby agreed. The redhead giggled.

The woman began struggling in her ropes. "No! You can't! You'll never get away with it!"

"We've been getting away with it for fifty years," Fred said cheerfully.

The woman stared. 'Are you crazy? How is that even possible? You're just a bunch of kids."

000

Across the world in Vincent Van Ghoul's mansion the warlock looked up from the book her was reading by the fire. He saw a painting hanging over a table against the wall of the Scooby gang. Oddly Daphne, Shaggy, and Scooby looked normal. Fred and Velma meanwhile looked like old people. Fred, in his same white shirt, ascot look, was a balding wrinkles old man with a face like a vulture with a long hooked nose and beady eyes. He looked like his skin had been stretched over bone and smiles with only a handful of teeth. Velma meanwhile was fat, grossly so, with her large wrinkles boobs hanging down so they almost fell out of her orange sweater, her hair thinning and eyes white with cataracts from glaucoma. She was bent and twisted and her skin was covered in sores.

Under the table below it was an old wooden box. Carved into the top were the words "Doran Grey's Paint Set".

Vincent smiled fondly at the painting. "I really should call the kids. It's been ages. Also I'm running low on human organs…"

000

"Trade secret," Daphne said. "Scooby and Shaggy though are actually werewolves, so they don't age much. Freddy, Velma and I did grow old for a while, but then I picked up this little trinket when we visited a place called Moonscar Island…" She pulled a necklace out of her purple top. It was a stone carved amulet of a cat's head. "I was able to turn back the clock and now I can just suck the life out of people and share it with Fred and Velma." Her eyes briefly changed to yellow glowing orbs with cat-like slits before returning to normal.

"Werewolves?"

"Technically Scooby's from a group known as the Alabama dog men or Rou Garou from the bayou… they've featured heavily in some shows about cryptozoology."

"Like yeah, his cousin Dixie-Doo got the Southern Belle accent," Shaggy said. "My family comes from like, a long line of werewolves man. This belt buckle…" He pointed to a gold and silver buckle on his belt. Looking close she saw that it had silver additions and a wolf's head etched into it. "Keeps me from changing and getting like, all furry, but I'm still a werewolf on the inside. Like, I have a mad scientist uncle who makes them for the family. My whole family tends to be monster hunters and get involved in weird creepy stuff man. Once I even got kidnapped by Dracula once to be in a weirdo monster road rally and after I escaped got a job teaching PE at his daughter's school. Scoob's type of werewolf got cursed by Saint Patrick back in like, Ireland and every like, seven years seven of them get turned into canines. They'd turn back to normal after another seven years, so long as they don't eat human flesh, but man sometimes stuff just happens."

Daphne nodded. "Jeepers. Even Scooby's nephew Scrappy fell off the wagon."

"Too far. Had to smother him in his sleep…" Velma said.

"He lived," Daphne reminded her, sadly.

The bound villain wanted to deny it, but she remembered some of the things she had seen. Shaggy and Scooby eating vast amounts of food including three foot sandwiches, their jaws stretching to accommodate what was essentially a three foot pile of meat between two slices of bread like a scene from The Mummy. More food than should be able to fit in a human stomach. When she had almost hit Daphne with an axe she had dodged and as it came down the whole group had jumped into Shaggy's arms, easily carried as he ran so fast his shoes friendly seemed to float in mid air and skid across the floor as he took off running at maybe fifty miles per hour, carrying all four of the others. He and the dog had also managed several changes of costume at superhuman speed.

"If you're werewolves how come you didn't know I was wearing a costume?"

"Like zoinks man, lots of real monsters smell human. Possessed people, ghosts, vampires, werewolves… you don't just make assumptions."

"Plus it's almost always a guy in a cheap mask."

Daphne grinned. "Cheap? Ooo, Velma I'm going to tell Coco you said that."

Keeping a straight face as she thought of her incarcerated lover and hoped Daphne would not really ruin her next conjugal visit Velma adjusted her glasses again and quickly changed the subject, "I still say there's a scientific explanation for you and Scooby's rare genetic conditions." Everyone else in the van rolled their eyes.

Fred said, "You still haven't explained that curse we're under from that gypsy we caught that one time that makes our van break down outside everyplace where some guy in a mask might try to kill or kidnap us."

"Honestly I like bondage as much as the next girl," Daphne said. "But it's ridiculous how many people like spontaneously tying me up."

"I'm working on it," Velma replied testily.

She looked at Shaggy. "If you're that strong and fast why were you running away from me?"

"Getting hit with an ax still hurts man," he said. "And werewolves are not the worst monsters out there. Why take chances? Vampires are freaking scary dude!" He shuddered remembering all the monsters that had nearly killed then in Dracula's race even when he was in werewolf form.

"Rilver," Scooby added in a growling bark.

"Sliver?"

"Silver," Shaggy translated. "We go up against buys dressed as knights and pirates a lot. Some with old fashioned guns and canons even. A lot of old weapons and recreations use silver alloys in the metal. It's usually better to run and wait until we have the bag guy tied up than fight and get cut up with something that can actually hurt us. Cowards and proud of it, that's us."

"Reah," Scooby agreed. He and Shaggy shared a high five.

"And to keep us from going overboard or from getting all bloodthirsty, Daph and the others feed us Scooby Snacks, which are laced with enough horse tranquilizers to take down an elephant, so Scoob and I usually like, don't feel the urge to fight, you know? Besides it usually works out. I once jumped out of a biplane I was flying inside a museum and came out of it without a scratch."

"Anyway," Daphne said. "I'm a black widow. "I target corrupt businessmen like real estate developers and the like, seduce them, get them to leave me their money, and then kill them. Velma didn't know the guys I target were scumbags, so she was going o murder me, can you believe it?"

"I thought you were in cahoots with Shaggy and Scooby who I thought were part of a cult of cattle mutilators."

"Like it's not our fault we have to eat fifty to a hundred pounds of meat a day," Shaggy said. "And I've seen some weird stuff out in those fields at night. Cults, fairies, and even UFOs."

"Reah, with real ariens," Scooby said nodding.

"That's how Scoob and I met Freddy the first time."

Fred said, "My family was always hunters. We've got this island where we pay to have criminals and the like delivered so we can hunt them for sport. Nothing feels better than trapping some dangerous criminal or crazed psycho soldier in a trap." He winked at Shaggy and Scooby. "Or a werewolf."

"It wasn't that funny Fred," Shaggy said. "The blood totally rushed to my head."

Fred reached over and picked up Meyer's mask off the dashboard. "These days I keep a storage bin full of masks instead of actual heads, but same difference."

Velma said, "Anyway I snuck up to Daphne's house at the time and came across her making love with Shaggy there, then saw her kill him. Only he didn't die."

"It's a compulsion," Daphne said. "I have to kill the person I sleep with. Only Shaggy doesn't die so it works out."

Meyers frowned. "I thought you and the blond boy were a thing. I know he got nervous and avoided you, but you've been making puppy dog eyes at him all night. Is he gay?" That ascot…"

"I'm not gay," Fed said. "I go out with girls all the time. I've dated two of the Hex girls among others. It just pisses Daphne off if I don't pay attention to her so I usually play along. She's pretty. She's just a psychopath. I'm just lucky I don't have a pet bunny she can boil."

"Attention must be paid Freddy," Daphne said leaning against him and batting her eyes wantonly. "One day you're going to be mine. And I will remember you fondly."

He kissed her forehead. "Not if I can help it. I know a trap when I see one."

The bound woman looked at Shaggy. "Doesn't that bother you?"

"Hey man, I'm a freaking werewolf. She's a nympho, I like, totally make allowances. Like letting her stab or poison me in bed after we have a roll in the hay. I've had other girlfriends and it never works out this well. Besides, like why be jealous of dead men? That would be totally stupid."

Scooby nodded. "Reah, rupid."

"Daph is like a shark," Velma said. "Once she picks a target she keeps trying. So far Freddy's been polite about it, but he keeps slipping away."

Daphne sighed, eyeing Fred like a lovesick young girl. "And we have so much in common. Did you know he keeps a garrote in his ascot just like I do in this green scarf?" She touched her throat, playing with the fabric and for a moment a wire hidden in it did shimmer in the light. Fred gave her a nervous look and scooted a little away. "We even both have stalker vans, Mine's red and sits in the garage since that one summer Shaggy and I had to capture those thirteen demons we accidentally released on our way to Hawaii…"

"Anyway while I was watching amazed as Shaggy healed from Daphne slitting his throat after coitus Scooby caught me standing there with a knife, but…" Velma began.

Fred said, "We're not monsters. I mean figuratively speaking. It's not like we kill innocent people. Shaggy and Scooby have to eat meat…" Their captive flashed back to earlier when she had spied on Shaggy and Scooby in the kitchen. Watching as he took several four foot salamis, sliced then with incredible speed, flipped them into sandwiches with the grace of gymnasts, and then scarfed the whole thing in seconds. "Velma confessed why she was there and we kind of… decided to team up."

"Ream rup," Scooby agreed.

Velma said, "It occurred to me that we could all get what we wanted by working together. Plus after a few dozen criminals in our home town vanished we realized it might be a good idea to do some traveling."

"Yeah in a nondescript van," Shaggy said.

"We turn in nonviolent offenders to the police," Velma said. "Giving us a reason we keep constantly hanging around near haunted children's camps in the middle of the woods. We've got quite the reputation as sleuths and we are solving crimes and catching criminals so it's not a lie. But it's amazing how many people like Mister Powers watch us drive off with crooks trussed up in the back of our van and never ask any questions. They are usually just happy the ghost is no longer haunting their bed and breakfast or they are counting the pirate treasure that was hidden in their field, so who cares what happens to some Creeper in a mask?"

Scooby made himself bend over like a hunchback and moaned, "Creeper! Creeper!" The others laughed.

Daphne said, "And usually they've been missing a while anyway, skipping work and running around in goofy costumes trying to scare people. If anyone did ask, we'd just tell them they escaped and presumably are on the run. If that doesn't work we're all pretty well off."

"Like, yeah man, even Scooby's family is pretty loaded and Scooby once inherited a lot of money from some guy whose life he saved once. The guy's lawyer tried to scare us off, but we put an end to that."

"And we've got a lot of powerful contacts," Fred said. "We solve mysteries for politicians, international companies, renounced scientists, people who own castles and mansions, and even ordinary folks who suddenly find they own a Dutchman gold mine or sue to crap out of the real estate developer trying to scare them off their property by dressing up as ghosts and monsters. Our families too, many of whom are pretty influential and know how to hush up… accidents."

"Celebrities too," Daphne added. "We meet famous people all the time and they are all usually willing to put in a good word and wouldn't think bad of us for anything. You should see our scrap books. You know the ones we can show people. No the ones with pictures of Velma cutting chunks out of people, Freddy going all Jigsaw on people with his deadlier traps, me killing them in bed, or Shaggy and Scooby disposing of the evidence."

Meyers was suddenly all too aware of the scruffy hippy boy and his dog eyeing her, their stomachs already growing like bears. Shaggy pulled a bottle of barbeque sauce out of his pocket. "Oh god…" No wonder these kids had not been caught killing people for fifty years. No body, no crime.

The van came to a stop an Scooby reached over to one wall of the van. The Mystery Machine was designed by Fred and it was literally riddled with secret compartments for things like clothes. Scooby pressed the side panel and it opened revealing rows of lined up knives, axes, and various other tools. Some medical. Most were the kind of things you would see in a butcher shop or the kitchen.

"So what are you using this time Velma? Oh, how about that ax you bought off that nice Dexter fellow we met in that logging town last month? That would be ironic after she was swinging that fire ax at us all night."

"Good call Shaggy." Velma climbed over the seat and joined them in the back as Shaggy and Scooby began picking out choppers, boning knives, and a meat sliver for making old cuts. Behind her a glass panel slid up between the back and the seat, so nothing would get on the upholstery. Fred and Daphne might watch or just sit together listening to the radio and looking out at the scenery. Fed flicked on the music and the radio played, "Teenagers scare the living shit outta me…" at full volume. The van was mostly soundproofed, but as Meyers began to scream, calling for help, why take chances? Daphne lowered the wall briefly and took no little satisfaction muffling the woman's screams by tying her scarf across her mouth, the wire in it cutting into the corners of her mouth and making her bleed before the redhead turned back and closed the barrier again.

Another panel opened revealing a spice rack and various other seasonings and the floor rose up like a morgue table, under which was a small flat over perfect for pizzas or whatever Scooby and Shaggy did not eat as sashimi. "But just for removing the hands and feet. You know I like to keep them alive as long as possible as I take them apart piece by piece and see how it all works…"

"Hey hotdog or steak, it all tastes the same us however you chop it up," Shaggy said. He and Scooby picked up their writhing captive and laid her out on the table, strapping her down with bondage gear that he often used with Daphne. Velma meanwhile was picking several scalpel-sharp knives from the collection and an ax. "Too bad this one's not exactly in her prime. I hope the next masked nut job is younger."

"Rand ruicier," Scooby added.

"What do you care Scoob? You once almost took of the Penguin's leg when he and the Joker were dressed as skeletons and we were helping Batman."

"Rou rike ruicy bones too Raggy."

"Yeah, I can't deny that, old buddy, old friend, old Scoob…" Shaggy said. He had made sandwiches using entire hams and turkeys, bone included. Together he and Scooby had cleaned out entire meat lockers.

Velma rolled up the sleeves on her sweater, picking up the ax. On her left arm was a tattoo that said PoinDEXTER. She and the tattoo artist had both been pretty drunk that night. On the table the criminal watched in horror as the raised the baled, taking careful aim. After all it would not do for the fun to end too soon.

000

A few hours later the gang had built a bonfire. They were cooking some spicy hotdogs while Shaggy and Velma burned the clothes they were wearing. Nobody asked what kind of meat the hotdogs were made of. Shaggy was a great cook, and they would taste great whatever or whomever they had been.

Shaggy and Velma were wearing fresh outfits. Identical to those they had on before. It was one of the little tricks that kept them out of trouble. They wore identical outfits all the time, so if they did have to make a quick change to dispose of incriminating blood stains, nobody would be able to prove they had changed clothes. Even in pictures.

If they were caught covered in dripping red stains, well Shaggy had a bottle of sauce on him most of the times and he and Scooby often pelted onlookers with stuff as they ate. A few red splashes could easily be explained and even covered up until the clothes were disposed of. As for the van it was self cleaning like a dishwasher and they were waiting for it to dry at the moment.

"Another case solved," Fred said. "I caught a yeti in a trap. Daphne got to flirt with an actual spy…"

Daphne said, "Next time I'm going to shag his brains out. Literally." She touched her skirt under which a tiny pistol was hidden. She smiled and shuddered at the thought of making love to Austin and splattering his brains across the headboard like a real Russian femme fatal.

Velma got to have her fun solving a mystery and punishing the evil doer." The geeky girl smirked as the fire reflected in her glasses like the eyes of a demon. "And we don't' have to worry about Shaggy and Scooby eating us for another day." Nibbling their hot dogs, bellies bulging, Shaggy and Scooby snickered.

"So like, what are we up to tomorrow?" Shaggy asked around a bite of sausage.

Daphne said, "Actually the Harlem Globetrotters sent us tickets to their show. We can probably make it there by the weekend."

"Sounds great," Fred said.

Velma said, "I always enjoy watching geometry at work with their tricks."

"Dibs on the concession stand," Shaggy said. He and Scooby threw their heads back and howled.

000

Author's Note

If you enjoyed this you might want to go on Amazon and look up my books Slasher School Days or A Coven of Witches among others.

This week Velma's been making the news. She just came out in Trick or Treat Scooby-Doo, getting her first sort of girlfriend. Or at least crush, Coco Diablo, the woman behind a criminal organization in their home town and who made all of their elaborate costumes. Even though A: we're not exactly shocked that Velma likes girls and B: it's not like they kissed or anything, it's a big deal for a lot of people because she's such a long lasting established character, unlike say Korra or Rose Quartz from specific and short lives series. Or Yasmina and Sammy from the Jurassic Park franchise (though it's weird people complained about that since the dinosaurs are all breeding females…). And the Scooby series isn't a thing made specifically for streaming services like Netflix as the She-ra remake or Kipo was. It's a long lasting series that is older than most of the people watching it.

It's kind of hilarious people are worried about explaining this to their kids. You want a confusing explanation on relationships, try explaining the Smurfs. They were all male and females only came into existence through black magic as an evil wizard tried to lure them into being eaten.

Anyway while looking this "Velma's Officially Into Girls" story up, I also saw that HBO has a Velma rated R TV series scheduled. The teaser showed a bit of blood, but it's not coming out for another year and there was not much information. Still while thinking about it I realized the Scooby gang could easily be killing many of the villains they capture without many issues. They are a group who drives around in a van. Shaggy has been a werewolf several times and does many physically impossible things. Scooby is a talking dog, which makes Velma's insistence that monsters aren't real a little silly. Did you see Scoobynatural?

It seemed to me the kids could have been doing the Dexter thing this whole time. And considering how much meat we've seen them put away Shaggy and Scooby could eat more than a human's worth in a day. It all makes perfect sense. Well as much as a talking dog and a group of hippies in a van solving mysteries with Phyllis Diller. Saturday actually had a skit once where Rob Lowe was Shaggy and he and Scooby thought the death penalty was appropriate for the kind of criminals they go up against, though the lawyer for the pirate ghost disagreed.

Note: Many places, including America, have long held tales of dog-men who walk upright around and given that Scooby is a talking dog and has a large family, you would think Velma would give a little more credence to the supernatural.

I wonder which old cartoon characters will be declared officially lesbians next. They already have Jem, She-ra, My Little Pony, Wonder Woman, Carmen San Diego, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, Webby and Magica's shadow from Ducktails, Yasmina and Sammy from Cap Cretaceous. They tossed a gay guy into Beauty and the Beast. And so on. Not even counting new series it anime.

Sassette from the Smurfs seems likely. Sunny from the Gummy Bears. Wiley Kitt from Thundercats (I hear Thundercats are loose). We're all still waiting for an official lesbian Disney Princess movie (Brave and some others came so close…) and personally I could see Jessica Rabbit, now a detective, leaving Roger for the harp from Mickey and the Beanstalk. Or Demona from Gargoyles seducing a woman. Daria and Jane. So many possibilities that could make their way from fan fiction and into canon. Who knows?

Velma's Tips For Getting Away With Murder

Target unethical businessmen, thieves, kidnappers, escaped cons, and murderers who are often unavailable and missing with nobody looking for them because they have snuck out of the office to dress up as ape-men and glowing deep sea divers as part of illegal activities and thus will not be missed.

Wear the same clothes every day made of absorbing cloth so that if you have to change to hide bloodstains nobody notices if you suddenly wearing a different outfit.

Make sure your two friends who are known to be messy eaters and splatter everyone when they eat carry barbeque sauce on them so you can disguise blood stains.

Cultivate close relationships with celebrities, politicians, law enforcement, people who own castles and mansions, scientists, and people who you helped become rich by helping them find and retrieve pirate treasure or discover hidden gold mines buried under their creepy old house, lighthouse, field, carnival, and so on.

Turn the occasional nonviolent offender over to the police to increase your reputation as brilliant detectives and explain why you're driving a van around the backwoods and purportedly haunted summer camps.

Spend most of your time on a random rout across the states and occasionally to other countries in the back of a van tricked out with hidden compartments for weapons so they don't notice all the missing persons in your wake.

Feed the bodies to the two werewolves who sleep in the back of the van and can eat 200 pounds of cold cuts each in one sitting.

Practice your story for the interrogation room including the phrase, "We don't ask to keep getting flat tires outside old buildings, it just happens."

Establish alibis by frequenting the local malt shop, one without security cameras, enough that nobody can be one hundred percent sure if you were there at any given time and make sure you routinely tip big and buy enough food to put the owner's kids through college on a monthly basis.

Make sure the talking dog doesn't talk or walk upright in front of authorities too often so when the witnesses inevitably bring it up, they're called crazy.