Rick and Pearlie
Author's note: A majority of this was written at 5am while I was high. This is also based off of a horrible set of images that I saw on twitter and shared with Misha. Take heed, not even I knew what I was doing while writing this. Enjoy.
Steven had been quite busy after he had been grounded from religion. It gave him a lot of time to think about stuff. Stuff like how he was going to help fix the portal system that he had broken. It was an honest mistake. Anybody could have dropped their dad's bowling ball on the teleporting pedestal while trying to form a new indoor sport. It was fine though. Steven had the perfect plan to fix this ancient alien tech.
After Peridot had invaded Earth and left her drones, Steven and the Crystal gems rounded up the new gem tech to study what they'd be going up against. Steven figured he could take one of these robots and use their repairing fluids to fix the portal the way they did to the home warp. "Classic ideas by a classic Steven," he'd think to himself; his ego was becoming outstandingly large despite his small body.
Steven brought the corpses of the drones to the temple door where the teleporter was. He held one up, realizing shortly that he didn't quite have a way to break one open in mind. They weren't working by themselves, but the goo was still inside them. So, Steven had to get inside. Steven didn't quite know how to get inside, but he had an idea. Steven went to the fridge and opened it in a very Steven way. He took out a can of mountain dew and walked it back to the pedestal with the drone on it.
Steven cracked open the can and started to pour it on the drone. Within seconds, the corrosive soda had used its sugary enzymes to burn a hole through the robot. The mountain dew mixed in with the crystalline paste before it drooled over the cracks in the pedestal. The crystal pedestal began to heal, the cracks sealing in. But from the cracks spread a swirling green ooze. Steven figured that this was fine and that he was the most specialist boy and had solved all the problems, so who cares?
Steven, is Steven. That means Steven needs Steven things. One of the many Steven things is sleeping. So, Steven Steeved in on the opportunity to go to bed after a job well Stevened. Steven crawled into med, checked to make sure Pearl wasn't watching him, then did his best to fall victim to slumber's grasp.
Pearl peered her nose through the door to the inner temple. She walked out from the temple and looked around the room the way an ostrich might. She looked down at the pedestal and it looked normal. "Well," started Pearl. "It appears Steven, despite living in proximity of this pedestal, has not broken it in any way. That's good."
Pearl walked down the steps and into Steven's living space. She looked around the room and saw Steven laying in bed. "It appears Steven, despite living in the proximity of this Steven, has not broken it in any way. That's good." Pearl walked up to Steven's bed space and invaded his privacy, once again, by watching him while he sleeps. "This Steven is very Steven tonight. I wonder what has him Steven."
Pearl looked up from Steven and at the pedestal. Pearl noticed something and got down to walk over to investigate. She walked on top of the pedestal and looked down at the crystal between her feet. "Hmm… Something's off…" And she was right. The pedestal was tinted green and had a weird swirling happening under the surface. "Oh no," said Pearl. "Steven has Stevened."
Steven walks up next to Pearl on the pedestal, rubbing his eyes from his fresh awakening. "Hey, Pearl. What're you doing on the magic teleporting pedestal that I fixed with mountain dew?"
Pearl stared at Steven with swollen eyes. "You what."
Just then, Steven and Pearl got beamed up by the teleporting in a flash of green light. They soared through space eternal and slipped through dimensions. The pair were spat out the other side of the dimensional rift by a swirling green vortex. Steven bounced off his ass and slammed into a car, piercing a hole through it with his thick skull. Pearl delicately stepped down and took note of their surroundings.
"Steven," Pearl said. "It appears we are no longer near Beach City. This place smells like cigarettes and hydrochloric acid." Pearl walked past the newly destroyed car and to the front door of the victim's house. Pearl looked around and saw most of the houses had a similar make with paint jobs that did little to mask a need for individuality. "I will knock on this door and inform them of your Steven behavior, Steven." Pearl knocked on the door.
A man with a scratchy voice and scraggly white hair stepped through the door. "I heard the crash. What'dya do, get drunk with your Traveling Pants book club and hit a parked car?" The man peered out the door and around at the car, seeing Steven impaled in the engine block.
"Apologies, drunken human male," started Pearl. "Steven has Stevened again and this time it has resulted in your car being decommissioned. I am willing to trade mechanic service in exchange for information on where we are and housing for Steven." Steven gave a thumbs up from his position. Oil was drooling over the back of his neck.
"The fuck is a Steven?" The crazy looking man burped and walked over to the car where Steven was. "Is this your gross child?"
"That is the child of the woman I loved," Pearl responded. The man grabbed Steven by the leg and tugged a bit on him, sliding him out of the oiled-up engine and birthing him anew into this world as a grease-smothered magic boy.
"Gross," The man said as he let Steven slide into the ground. "Well, while I don't care, I know Jerry is gonna beg me to fix this later. So go ahead and mechanic it or whatever." The man walks back past pearl as he says this and gets ready to shut the door behind him when Pearl stops it with her foot.
"Oh, but I think I requested information for that exchange. I think formalizing this with our names will help. I am Pearl. What is your name?" Pearl offered her hand to the man in gentle greeting.
"Oh god, you're a hippie mechanic? Listen, we don't get much sunflower oil out here, so don't trick out the engine. Diesel and all that." The man tried to pull the door shut, but found Pearl's foot didn't budge, nor did her expression.
"Name, please. It'll make this easier." Pearl insisted on this man. The man narrowed his eyes at her and leaned against the doorframe.
"Rick. What else?" Rick pulled a flask from his waist and took a swig from it.
"We just came through a gooey green portal. That wouldn't happen to happen a lot here, would it?" Pearl gestured in the general area of where they landed and where Steven was standing in the road. He was filthy and covered in oil still.
Rick looked a bit concerned when he heard how they got here. "Green portal? Like, spinning and shit? You're not on acid, right?" Rick went in on Pearl and grabbed her arm before pulling up on her eyelid. He inspected her smooth, clear white eyes and the vibrant color that made up her iris. "No, you're not dilated… And you've got really clear skin." Rick pulled away from her thought to himself. "Did a rick get hijacked by a hippy from a universe where hippies just take really good care of themselves?"
Pearl walked forward and tapped Rick on the shoulder. "I can hear you. No, we didn't hijack anyone. Steven used mountain dew on alien technology." She gestured back to Steven who had been hit by a car when nobody was looking. He was fine though. He was Steven.
Rick groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Gaaah. I knew somebody would figure it out one day. I was just hoping I'd either be dead or at least be given a challenge by it. But no, the only two people to discover interdimensional portals was a super genius man with crazy hair and that weird Jewish looking kid." Rick pointed at Steven. Steven waved in a way that was not very Jewish. Steven, was not Jewish.
"Steven isn't Jewsih," stated pearl. "If he was then he'd be breaking the rules of his grounding. And he certainly wouldn't want that." Pearl waved her finger at Steven. Steven hung his head in shame.
Rick was surprised. "Wow. You actually get yours to listen. Mine won't do what I want unless he gets something from it." Rick turned and shouted up the stairs, "Hey, Morty. C'mere."
"Y-Yeah?" Came the voice of Morty, a young teen boy with curly hair. "What's up, R-Rick?"
"Go stand in the street," said Rick.
"Wh-Huh? Wh-Why would I stand in the street?" Morty looked confused.
"See what I mean?" Rick looked to Pearl and gestured to Morty. He then looked back at Morty. "That kid got hit by a car. Go save him. You'll be a hero."
"Huh?! O-O-Oh shit! Is he okay? Is he dying?!" Morty panicked and looked out for a dying child.
"No, just go be his friend or something." Rick pointed at Steven in the street.
"O-Oh. Alright." Morty jogged over to Steven. They bonded over their similar hair.
"Look how long that took. That was a lot of wasted time for nothing." Rick looked back at Pearl. "So why do you have a Morty? You some sorta trans hippie Rick? Cause I gotta say, I don't look bad as a woman if that's how I turn out."
"Oh ho ho." Pearl smiled and took the compliment with a dash of ego. "Well, I suppose of all the royal Pearls I am the fairest. There must be a reason I was picked after all." Pearl fluttered her fingers in front her face as if her long digits were a fan.
"Heh… So you're not a Rick? I haven't heard of Pearls. They form suspicious space utopia too?" Rick asked, clearly becoming interested in the woman before him.
"I wouldn't imagine so. Not all Pearls are quite as adventurous and free as I am." Pearl complimented herself and strung her fingers through her hair.
"Yeah? Not quite like the others either, huh? I guess that makes us both the most us of us." Rick got closer to Pearl and slid his arm around her waist before guiding her into the house. "Come in and maybe tell me about that rock in your head."
Pearl felt a shock in her chest as she's swept away. Such a gentle yet forceful push at the small of her back. "Oh my," she whispered as she accepted the guidance into the house.
Steven and Morty were stood in silence and just admiring each other's hair before Steven decided to speak up. "So. My name is Steven."
"Morty," Replied Morty.
"You go on wacky adventures with your irresponsible adoptive parents too?" Steven nudged at Morty.
"No, just my grandpa who wasn't part of my life until he needed a place to crash," Morty Replied.
"That's just as good," said Steven.
Meanwhile, Rick had sat Pearl down on the living room couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table while he grasped his flask. "So, you're an alien race made of hardened light who showed up right around when Jesus was born?"
"Something like that. Just don't bring it up around Steven. It's a sensitive topic right now." Pearl chuckled and waved her hand to dismiss the comment. "But enough about me. You're a human with the ability to travel space all on his own? How did one human get so smart and yet so good with their hands? I know I needed a few thousand years myself. I can't imagine you had the same."
Rick reclined in his spot and took another drink from his flask. "Perks of being a super genius. I don't have to figure out why I'm so smart. I can leave that for smart guys who didn't invent universal jumps."
Pearl gasped and leaned in when he said that. "Universal jumps? You mean you've harnessed cross-dimensional travel?"
Rick sat up. "Well I don't like how you conflate universe and dimension but yeah, I have."
"Apologies, Rick. But if you did that, then that means it's possible that portal was the same kind you use, right?" Pearl got excited and moved up on Rick, pressing her chest to his shoulder.
"Woah, uh, haha… Yeah, I did. That do something for you?" He asked, a little weirded out by how excited that made her.
"It could do a lot of things for me if you work with me on it," Pearl said as she unwittingly rested a hand by Rick's rear.
Rick's eyes went wide and he chuckled while moving back a bit. "Ha… Ha, well that's… Are you trying to do butt stuff with me?"
Pearl's brows perked up. "Does it need butt stuff?"
Rick narrowed his eyes. "It doesn't need it… But it's considering it."
Steven walks into the house with Morty. Steven speaks. "Hey, Pearl. I'm gonna go take a shower and then Morty is gonna show me cool internet videos."
Pearl turned to the two boys. "That's fine, Steven. Lock the door and check for cameras."
Steven ran up excitedly while Morty stopped at the bottom of the stares, looking grieved by what he saw on the couch. "Please don't have sex with my grandpa where I can hear it." Morty proceeded up the stairs.
"Don't what?" Pearl turned around, not hearing what not Steven said. "Ooookay. Well then. Rick, what is this butt stuff?"
"H-Hold up. Not butt stuff just yet." Rick waved his hand and leaned back in. "What was that shit you were saying earlier about getting to know each other's formals or something?"
"Formally getting to know each other?" Pearl sat still despite Rick's approach.
"Yeah, that. Let's get formal with each other." Rick slid in closer, grabbing Pearl by the hip and pulling her closer. Pearl yipped and felt that same rush from before. Her cheeks brightened with blue as the man held her close.
"Oh my," Sighed pearl. "You certainly know how to move a woman. Fine, I suppose getting to know you on another level wouldn't hurt. It's not like Steven is dying."
Steven was drowning in the shower. Morty was desperately trying to pull the shower drapery off Steven after he had gotten tangled in it and let water start pooling inside. Morty shouted at Steven as they wrestled, "Stay still! You're panicking and breathing the curtain into your mouth!"
Steven screamed and choked at the same time, not hearing Morty through the blood rushing in his ears. Morty yanked hard once more and pulled the shower curtain out and off Steven. Steven gasped out for air before giving Morty a thumbs up. "I'm good. I'm alive."
Morty sighed and sat back with the curtain. He then looked at Morty's naked visage and sighed. "Um… Okay. Just, I dunno, try not to splash the water. I'm taking this with me." Morty got up and took the shower curtain with him, leaving Steven to shower without fear of suffocation.
Morty walked down the hallway and to his room, but he heard a clattering and crash of ceramic. "Rick?" Morty called out, realizing he and Rick were the only ones home before Steven and Pearl showed up. So, if something happened, it was on him. He went back down the hall and started down the stairs. "Rick, I heard a crash. Are you-" Morty stopped midway down the stairs and in his sentence.
Pearl had Rick's coat pulled off and thrown over the back of the couch. They had knocked over a ceramic bowl that was previously on the coffee table. Her hands were under his shirt and sliding along his smooth skin. Her lips were pressed at his neck where her cheeks nestled between his shoulder and jaw. Rick was muttering to himself while Pearl's delicate hands moved along and caressed his body. His eyes were relaxed shut and his head hung back over the couch.
Morty stared in horror. He silently went back up the stairs, truly having no safe space left in the house except his room. Morty walked into his room and collapsed on the bed. "Welp… Hopefully that's all I had to see today."
Steven bursts into the room, naked and moist. "Hey new friend. I need clothes. Lend a Steven a hand?" Morty groaned.
Back downstairs, Pearl had her hand slid up against Rick's pecs. Her other hand had slid under his belt and caressed his rump. "Mmm. Rick Sand-cheese. You're not a usual human, I can tell. You have a lot of mechanical parts under this synthetic skin. I think I prefer this over how normal humans feel."
"Yeah, aliens tend to like the cybernetics. Harder to get human women, but you're a pretty good compromise." Rick remained relax, letting Pearl work him.
"Oh yeah? I have reason to suspect you humans based your evolution on us extraterrestrials." Pearl teased and stroked her fingers through Rick's hair. "After all. We came first."
"I'll be sure that stays true." Rick slid his hands along Pearl's sides and rested his thumbs on her chest. Pearl sighed low and smirked at Rick as she leaned down into his grasp.
There was another crash, this time upstairs. It was loud enough to shock both Rick and Pearl out of their moment. They looked up at the ceiling where the crash came from and got up from the couch. Pearl grumbled. "Oh, darn it, Steven."
Rick moved Pearl off his lap and started towards the stairs. "Nah, I bet it's Morty. Kid has a knack for ruining a moment." Rick moved up the stairs, glaring at his destination. He got to Morty's room door where there were the sounds of a struggle from inside. "Oh god that better not be a sex robot again."
"Again?" Pearl looked concerned.
"Morty!" Rick knocked at the door. "I know it's weird for your grandpa to interrupt you during non-organic sex but we're not repeating the Morty Junior incident." Rick waiting for a moment and listening to through the door.
Rick could hear Morty on the other side. "Get… In there! How is this so tight? You're supposed to be smaller than me!" Rick stared off in dread.
Pearl came up and leaned into the door as well. "What's the problem? Is Steven in there?"
Pearl could hear Steven on the other side. "I'm just wider than you. Length doesn't mean everything, ya know. I've got girth."
Both felt their souls sink in their chest before barging down the door before shouting together, "Hell no!" But they both froze when they saw Morty with one of his yellow shirts over Steven's head and a towel taped to Steven's waist.
"Oh, thank god." Morty left Steven to fall over inside of the shirt that was too small for him and walked over to Rick. "Rick. Rick, you gotta send them back. Please. I can't take this kid anymore. He has no boundaries."
Pearl grimaced and bit at her lip. "Oooh… Yeah, that's probably a good idea. This house isn't very Steven proof." Pearl turned to Rick. "Rick, would you be able and willing to create another portal to send Steven and I back home? I think it's Steven's bedtime anyway."
Rick sighed and nodded. "Yeah, that might be for the best." He turned himself around and grumbled as he pulled out his portal gun and shot it down the hall, opening a swirling green vortex just feet away from them. "There you go. I tuned it to the most recent portal in the area so it should send you back to where you came from."
Pearl gasped and clasped her hands together in delight. "Oh my. You have it all in a portable unit? That's far more advanced than any human I've ever seen. Maybe I should visit you again, Rick. You can show me what else that brain of yours knows." Pearl walked past Rick and towards the portal, sliding a finger along his chin on the way. "Come, Steven. We're leaving."
Steven waddled into the hallway with the shirt still around his head and the tape on his towel peeling. "Steven!" Shouted Steven.
"Yes, Steven. Let's go." Pearl guided Steven through the portal and gave a petite wave back at Rick before going through as well. The portal squelched and bounced as they passed through, sending them back home.
Rick stared at the portal as it closed, sealing away the alien woman and her weird child. "God, I want her so bad."
Morty looked at Rick with annoyance and shut his door between them.
Pearl and Steven stepped out of the portal just off from where the teleportation pedestal is. Pearl pulled the shirt off Steven's head and pushed him forwards. "Alright, Steven. Go to bed. You've had enough fun for one night."
Steven walked off to bed, obeying the command. Pearl figured this was a decent conclusion to the events that had unfolded, even if she had wanted a little bit more out of it. She sighed and rested her cheek in her palm before walking back into the inner temple to spend the rest of her night alone.
"I'll have to warn Garnet and Amethyst about the teleporter," Pearl thought to herself. "There's no guarantee it'll send them to the same place and to an extremely attractive man with universe-jumping technology." Pearl went off to tell the other gems just that.
Meanwhile, in another Universe, Amethyst raised her fists in the air and cheered for herself before leaning up on a poker table and jabbing a finger at one of her opponents. "In your FACE, Loser! I'm queen of the table here! Ain't nobody gonna stop me!"
The man grumbled and got up from the table, tossing his cards down and dismissing himself from the situation. Another man, balding and battered, but dressed in a suit as if he could groom himself, sat down next to the purple gem woman. "Say, you're real good at this."
Amethyst stretched herself out in her chair and kicked her feet up on the table. "Hell yeah, I am. I've got these guys wrapped tight."
"How would you like to get in on some ground level shit?" The man leaned in close but didn't do much to lower his voice. "People like you? They don't just cheat the table. I could get you some real action, some real money, if you're willing to do some dirty work."
Amethyst smiled at the man and leaned into him as well. "I'm listening."
"I've got a shipment of some… Special figurines coming in. Not the kind we'll be stacking on a shelf, if you catch my drift." The man peered his eyes around, making sure nobody was listening.
"I've got no clue, but I don't need to. I'm in. Name's Amethyst." Amethyst threw her hand under the table.
The man looked pleased and met her hand under the table, giving her a firm shake. "Trevor Philips. I like your style. We're gonna be big."
To be continued…
