AN: Bolded first few lines are from season five, episode eleven, "Prize Fighters"

(Daria walking in a hallway of Lawndale High. Upchuck runs past and slows to a walk in front of her)

Upchuck - Feisty...lady!

Daria - No, I won't show you my belly button.


(Daria continues to walk as Upchuck pauses and looks at her rear view.)


Upchuck - Fifty dollars, my dear feminine teen-ager on the cusp of sultry womanly adulthood.

(Daria pauses, eyes wide. She turns slowly to face him.)

Daria - What?

(Upchuck gulps.)

Upchuck - Um, fifty dollars up front for a gaze, a mere glimpse at your lovely omphalic umbilicus, your belly button, your navel. Such would be the omphalos, the baetylus, the very center of my world.

(Daria's eyes widen further as she watches him pull a wad of bills from his pocket. He holds the stash out to her.)


Daria - "This is creepy, crazy even for Upchuck. Is he going to get down on one knee? And it's crazy that I'm considering it. Still my Montana cabin fund hasn't been growing like I want in the past few weeks."

(Daria glances around the halls, empty but for the two of them.)

Daria - "Empty but I know Li's got her seeing eye cameras all over. We both got study hall to blow off this period. I was going to finish 'Being and Nothingness' but-"


Daria - Now? Where?

Upchuck - No time better, dear one. Uh, Li's cameras don't see in that nook under the stairs down that hall and it's well-lighted too for a good long gaze. Rrrrr.

(Upchuck inclines his head to the right to point down a side hall.)

Daria - Bucky-wucks up front. And it better not be sweaty.

(She holds out her hand to accept the bills from him. She swiftly counts and stuffs the money in her backpack.)

Daria - "Fifty-one spondilacks but who's counting?"


Daria - Okay, Upchuck. Lead the way.

(Upchuck gulps. His voice is raspy.)

Upchuck - Please dear maiden. You first.

Daria - I won't rabbit on you but I respect your suspicious nature and pessimism. Okay, five steps I'll take then you follow slowly. Remember I've had voice training; I can scream like a banshee in heat if needed.

(She walks down the side hall slowly. Upchuck's eyes track her then he follows.)

Daria - "Dammit. I can feel his eyes on my ass. Dammit, don't let my butt swish. Dammit, what if I got lint in my navel? Dammit, don't think. Dammit, give him ten seconds to look at my dumb innie then get out of there. Dammit, why am I suddenly hungry for pizza?"


(They reach the stairway at the end of the hall. The nook under the stairs is clean and well-lit. Daria gestures at the far corner.)

Daria - You, over there. Ten seconds, then I leave. Then you wait a minute or do whatever you want before leaving too. And we shall never speak of this. No one will believe you if you tell anybody.

(She leans closer.)

Daria- And if you tell; I guarantee, I will get you.

(Upchuck nods. She puts her backpack on the floor; folds and places her green jacket on it. Upchuck clasps his hands and raises them up to his chest as Daria carefully untucks her mustard yellow tee-shirt from her pleated black skirt.)

Daria - (hands on the hem of her tee) "Just think of pizza. Here goes."

(Upchuck gasps as she raises her tee-shirt well above her navel. He leans forward. The space is brightly lit and he can see the tiny mark of her failed piercing.)


Daria - "Nine…and ten."

Daria - (She smooths down her tee-shirt.) Okay, Charles, turn around while I straighten up. I leave then one minute or whatever, you leave.

Upchuck - One-hundred dollars.

Daria - What?

Upchuck - The merest sight of your sun-kissed tummy has whetted my appetite for more, oh luscious, innocent maiden. One-hundred dollars for a long, dear look at your panties–oh, such an infantilizing, ungracious word! Your knickers–our English co-linguists are so much more couth–your lingerie, your briefs, your underclothes.

(He pulls a Benjamin from his pocket and waves it at her.)

Upchuck - Your underwear. Bikini, briefs, g-string? Dare I say, dare I dream? Thong? Any apparel will delight me, dear Daria.

Daria - My unmentionables.

(Daria looks at the bill which he holds out unfolded in both hands, Franklin facing her. She sticks out her hand.)

Daria - Let me see that.

(Daria takes the bill and pulls a marker from her backpack. She swipes the tip across the bill and scrutinizes the result. Satisfied, she pauses to consider. She gulps, shrugs and puts the marker and bill in her backpack.)


Upchuck - (Before she can respond.) One minute front, one minute, uh, rear. Deal?

Daria - Deal. But you don't move, hang there, don't talk, or I'll hang you.

Upchuck - (Clasps hands together again and rubs them happily.) No words, dearest Daria–although, please, I may whimper and moan in abject appreciation.

Daria - Whatever. Okay, ready? Here goes.

Daria - "Dammit, am I really doing this? Yeah, I took his C-note, a hundred smackers. Pizza. Jane can have her anchovies even, on half. What did I wear down there today? Oh yeah, oh great, those white bikini jobbies Quinn gave me, narrow band. Sure are comfortable. What did she say? 'Three-quarter seat coverage'. Eeep. Here goes."

(She bites her lower lip lightly and slowly lifts the hem of her black pleated skirt. Upchuck's mouth falls open as her white bikini briefs come into his view. Daria lifts high enough to show a portion of her belly. Daria stops and her head moves a bit as her eyes shift around the little nook; her point of view shows the floor, then the ceiling and finally she decides to look over his left shoulder. She shifts her stance slightly. She and Upchuck stand motionless. The only sounds are small gasps and heavy breathing from Upchuck.)

Daria - "And one-thousand-sixty. Give him another few seconds, what? Why? Okay, enough. Skirt down. Now the hard part."

(Daria slowly turns. Upchuck whimpers in near anguish as she lifts her skirt again while facing away from him. She lifts her skirt and bunches it high enough to show a slice of her lower back. Upchuck grinds his hands together tightly. Daria parts her legs further apart slightly and bends forward just a little.)

Daria - "Why did I do that? Dammit, now I am an exotic dancer. But I didn't take off anything unless you count my jacket. Okay, just count. Sixty seconds and I've really earned my pay. Never, ever again."


(After a minute Daria drops her skirt over her butt. She turns to see Upchuck with a wide-eyed, rapturous expression. Daria makes a turning motion with one hand.)

Daria - Turn around, Charles while I put myself together. Then I leave, just like I said, you wait, you leave. We never speak of this. Never do this again. If I hear the tiniest, vaguest rumor I find me the biggest, rustiest kitchen knife I can and–"

(Daria leans forward and fixes his eyes in hers. Upchuck snaps out of his trance. He nods and wordlessly turns around. Daria puts herself together perfectly; checks her backpack and slings it over her shoulder. She turns to leave. Daria takes a couple steps then stops and turns back to him.)


Daria - Hey, Charles, what did you want to talk to me about originally? Before we had our little, uh, exhibition? Aw, dammit.

Upchuck - (Speaking with a less oily voice than usual) Daria, you, the incomparable Miss Landon, and I are finalists in the Wizard scholarship competition. I wanted to compare strategy and notes for the interview. Maybe one or each of us in this second-rate school can be first-rate finalists: ten-large first place; five grand for second and two twenty-five hundred, third place prizes. Let's work together for the honor and glory of Lawndale High. And some simoleons for college.

Daria - Yeah, yeah, okay, I can buy that. But a warning Charles, you try this with Jodie and Sir Mack will research the most painful ways to break every bone in your body.

(She gives him a tiny, brief smile before she turns to walk away. Daria appears to be walking taller and straighter than usual.)

(Cut to Ms. Li's office. We see her sitting behind her desk. Her face is illuminated by the glow of a couple CRT screens. She types while talking to herself.)

Ms. Li - "Notes to self: 'Miss Morgendorffer now in sudden, unexpected possession of one-hundred and fifty dollars. Mr. Ruttheimer appears to habitually carry large amounts of cash in school. Set reminders for a month after their graduation to pixilate faces and sell footage to Russian contact Dmitri Medvedev.'"