Acolyte Soiree

"Alright, team. Spread out," Scott ordered as the X-Men exited the X-Jet wearing their uniforms. "Be careful and stay alert."

"You got it, Fearless Leader," Kurt quipped.

"Any further progress on pinpointing the exact location of those multiple, highly dangerous mutant signatures?" Hank asked.

"No, Cerebro is still having difficultly locking onto them," Xavier said wearing a portable Cerebro headset. "The signatures seem to be originating nearby, though I'm not detecting anyone telepathically."

"Neither am I," Jean confirmed. "Strange."

"All the more reason to be cautious," Scott declared. "Everyone pair up and start a standard search pattern. If you find anything suspicious, call it in and wait for backup."

"Right. On it," Kitty and Rogue nodded taking off.

"Hank and I will stay with the X-Jet for the moment to help coordinate our movements," Xavier said. "We will catch up with you later. Be careful."

"Don't worry, Chuck. If there's anything real nasty out there, I'll take care of it," Logan grunted heading in another direction. "C'mon, Elf. Stay close and no 'porting unless necessary."

"Jawohl, herr Wolverine," Kurt grinned following him.

"It's unusual for Cerebro to detect such a rare concentration of potentially dangerous mutants," Xavier gazed out the X-jet's windows as Scott and Jean left as well. "Especially in such a relatively wooded and isolated area as Newfoundland."

"Think it's a trap?" Hank asked.

"I hope not," Xavier frowned. "But we must be prepared for anything."

"No signs of any mutant presences yet," Scott noted several minutes later. "How about you?"

"Nothing," Jean said focusing her powers. "Neither visually or telepathically."

"Maybe Cerebro was wrong," Scott frowned making his way through the trees. "Those mutant signatures may have just been a glitch."

"Professor! Cyclops! Wolverine! We found something!" Kitty cried over the comm.

"What is it? Where are you?" Scott asked.

"We're in a partial clearing half a mile northwest of the X-Jet," Rogue replied sounding stunned. "As for what we found…you have to see it to believe it. Fast!"

"Got it. On our way," Scott and Jean moved out and quickly rendezvoused with their teammates.

"Alright, Half-Pint," Logan and Kurt joined them at about the same time. "What's the big…whoa!"

"G'day, mates!" Pyro smiled waving at them while manning an impressive collection of outdoor barbecue pits, smokers and grilling stations. The other Acolytes minus Mastermind were spread out among half a dozen long tables situated in the partial clearing covered with various platters and dishes. A large rustic event center bordering a lake stood nearby. "'Bout time you blokes showed up. We were beginning to think you'd never get here!"

"Huh?" Jean gaped, dumbfounded at the sight. "You expected us to show up?"

"Obviously," Remy smirked dealing out place settings and silverware. "Why else would we go to all the trouble of luring you here with a false collection of mutant signatures?"

"You what?!" Logan barked, stunned.

"That's right, Runt. You got suckered. Again," Sabertooth snorted clutching a beer. "The boss rigged up a special high-tech doohickey to fool old Baldy's Cerebro setup while blocking our minds from his telepathy. He knew you losers wouldn't be able to resist coming here and checking it out."

"But why?" Rogue blinked, shocked.

"Because these rowdy subordinates of mine keep flooding my base of operations with their nonstop stream of insani…I mean, energy," Magneto explained while sitting in a comfortable padded chair off to one side. "Since they're going to continue with their destructive antics anyway despite all my efforts to the contrary, I decided I might as well utilize their surplus energy for once and have them spread the pain around."

"WHAT?!" Scott yelped. "That's insane!"

"Well, duh," Remy gave him a look. "Haven't you been paying attention?"

"C'mon, you bloody wowsers! Lighten up!" Pyro chirped as one of the barbecue pits literally went up in flames. "We invited you all to our barbie! Grab a plate and dig in!"

"Wow," Kitty whistled, impressed at the staggering amount of food and beverages arrayed on the tables. "You guys made all this?"

"Some of it," Piotr coughed unpacking several large coolers while in his armored form. "Some we brought, some we bought and some we, um, borrowed."

"You mean stole," Logan growled. "I should've known!"

"Eh, can it, Runt. For once we ain't here to fight. Unfortunately," Sabertooth shot back. "I don't want it, I don't like it, I can't stop it, so I might as well enjoy it."

"That's no excuse for doing something you know is wrong," Kurt protested. "Though I have to admit, some of the food does smell rather tasty."

"Nightcrawler!" Scott scolded. "Get ahold of yourself! Focus!"

"C'mon, mates! Just give it a try! You don't wanna miss out on this!" Pyro grinned signaling to a nearby band which immediately began to play a quick, rousing rune. "You may talk of fancy parties or a string of glitzy nights! But they couldn't hold a blowtorch to a spree with Acolytes!"

"No kidding," Kitty blinked at the various blazes.

"If you want your veins a-popping just jump in, eat up and see!" Pyro beamed proudly. "Your minds are sure to be blown at the Acolytes' Soiree!"

"In more ways than one," Rogue winced as one the smokers blew up.

"Logan. What is going on?" Xavier and Hank emerged from the surrounding woods. "Why haven't you reported back…oh, I see."

"By the Bard," Hank blinked in shock. "What is all this?"

"We have bundt cakes, flank steaks, chili flakes and lemon shakes!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr sang while indicating each offering. "Roasted seasoned veggies, ginger beer and tea!"

"You had to ask, didn't ya Beast?" Logan growled shooting Hank a look.

"Pig's feet, snake meat, dumplings boiled up in a sheet!" The three younger Acolytes continued happily. "Ribs that definitely can't be beat at the Acolytes' Soiree!"

"I know who I'd like to beat," Scott groaned holding a hand to his head.

"Where did you ever manage to get the band?" Xavier asked, stunned.

"You'd be amazed who you can discreetly book online these days, no questions asked," Magneto shrugged. "Compared to the monthly maintenance budget, their rates were practically a steal."

"Speaking of which," Jean glanced at Magneto's collection of younger charges.

"Oh, the fields and woods are ringing with all kinds of stirring games!" Pyro smiled skipping around the clearing. "Involving balls, nets, explosions and lots of burning flames!"

"Unfortunately," Kitty gulped at the wild display.

BOOM!

"With grills to fuel and feed all of the ravenous appetites!" Remy smirked tossing plates to the X-Men. "Senses will be awakened when one dines with Acolytes!"

"More like deafened," Rogue glared catching a plate. "A state I'm completely envying right now!"

"C'mon, chérie. Let down your guard and enjoy the ride for once," Remy smiled leading her down one of the long tables. "We have ice cream, spiced steam, chocolate-infused whipped supreme! Soufflés lighter than a dream! One taste and you'll agree!"

"Wanna bet?" Rogue scoffed.

"Actually, he's not wrong about that part," Kurt purred with his plate already piled high with food. "Mmmm, this stuff is wunderbar!"

"NIGHTCRAWLER!" Scott yelled. "Cut it out!"

"Peach pies, lamb thighs, lobster, fresh pickled stir-frys!" Pyro skipped up and smacked Scott right in the face with a pair of the said pies. "I tell you, mates, you'll bawl your eyes at the Acolytes' Soiree!"

"In more ways than one," Kitty winced at Scott's screams.

"YEEEOOOWWW! THAT'S HOT!" Scott cried with his face covered with freshly baked pie filling. "THAT'S IT! YOU MANIACS ARE DEAD!"

"Cyclops! Look out!" Jean shouted stopping Gambit from dunking Scott into a vat of punch, but wasn't able to prevent Pyro from spraying her with strawberry jam. "AAAGGGHHHHHH! MY HAIR!"

"Oh dear," Hank moaned as several X-Men and Acolytes began to fight. "I don't suppose there's a supply of alcoholic beverages on the premises?"

"Here," Magneto generously reached into a nearby cooler and handled him a bottle. "It's on me."

"Thank you," Hank sighed grabbing some glasses. "Care for one, Charles?"

"I don't think so," Xavier declined. "Someone needs to keep a clear, level head around here…"

"HAVE SOME CURRY, RUNT!" Sabertooth roared flinging a dish at Logan. "WITH EXTRA GHOST PEPPERS AND FISH SAUCE ON THE SIDE!"

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH! MY NOSE! MY EYES!" Logan screamed apoplectically diving into the nearby lake. "MILK! WATER! YAAAHHHHHH!"

"On the other hand," Xavier winced reaching for a glass. "I suppose one drink wouldn't hurt…"

"Hehehehehe!" Pyro giggled between bites of fudge. "Oh, Sabertooth started brawling with Wolverine true to form! While Gambit and the sheilas were off dancing up a storm!"

"What?!" Hank blinked in shock.

"This isn't what it looks like," Rogue hissed while being lead around the clearing with Remy. "It's just easier than being in a food fight or being offered endless servings of gumbo."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that, chérie," Remy grinned whisking her away.

"Colossus offered refreshments of different makes and blends!" Pyro continued cheerfully. "As mutants were soon joined by all their happy, lively friends!"

"Friends?" Kitty blinked as the ground began to rumble ominously. "What friends…OH MY GOSH!"

"What?! What is it…GAAAHHHHHH!" Scott screamed as he was buried underneath a tidal wave of incoming creatures.

"AAAHHHHHH! LOOK OUT!" Kurt yelled teleporting out of the way.

"Wheeeeeeeee!" Pyro whooped merrily while pointing out the various animal groups. "There are bull sharks, aardvarks, cute anteater matriarchs! Huggy armadillos free of leprosy!"

"SHARKS?!" Logan cried as the lake quickly filled with spilled blood and sharp teeth. "AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!"

"OH NO! NOT AGAIN!" Remy shrieked bolting away from Rogue. "PYRO I TOLD YOU NO MORE AARDVARKS…WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"

"Huh?" Rogue blinked as Remy ran for his life from the armory of overly affectionate aardvarks. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"Squeal, roar! Explore! Babes and proud parents galore!" Pyro chirped proudly hugging a pair of armadillos. "All the animals we adore at the Acolytes' Soiree!"

"Almost all of them," Magneto muttered under his breath. "At least he left the dumb dodo back at the base."

"Armadillos, anteaters and aardvarks?" Hank gaped at the colorful menagerie in shock. "Where did all these anomalous, alliterate animals come from?"

"Let's just say it was past time I cleared all the troublemaking pests from my main base of operations," Magneto hissed. "Both the four-legged and two-legged ones!"

"I see," Xavier blinked as one of the giant anteaters strode up and began licking at his shoes. "I must say that's one way to get rid of an invasive species."

"Not exactly," Magneto groaned. "I've tried banishing these sanity-wrecking monstrosities to remote locations before and yet they somehow manage to find their way back to my base every single time!"

"YUCK! THIS IS DISGUSTING!" Scott screamed as he was beset by a mob of excited aardvarks. "HEY, STOP PAWING AT MY PANTS! OW! THOSE CLAWS ARE SHARP!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Jean ran by covered with a dozen clingy armadillos. "GET THEM OFF ME! GET THEM OFF ME!"

"Back! Back, I say!" Kurt yelped frantically teleporting away from the various animal stampedes. "YEEEOOOWWW! MY TAIL!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Pyro cackled maniacally while swinging around with an armadillo. "Food, optic blasts, explosions and fireworks fill the air! As mutants dance and talk and party on without a care!"

"More like the complete opposite," Kitty winced as the clearing and surrounding forest was destroyed.

"Magnus, this is getting out of hand!" Xavier declared staring at his old friend. "How do you ever manage to put up with this on a daily basis?"

"When levels of loony mayhem soar up to record heights," Magneto sighed pulling out a pill bottle. "Aspirin is recommended when one's around Acolytes!"

"Indubitably," Hank sighed pouring them another round of drinks.

"I have sore brains, migraines, scrambled nerves and chaos pains!" Magneto ranted while holding a hand to his temple. "Common sense flows down the drains from their insanity!"

"I see," Xavier blinked, stunned.

"Sheer stress! Madness! Life is such an utter mess!" Magneto cried throwing up his hands. "I tell you, Charles, I could do less with this Acolytes' Soiree!"

"You aren't the only one," Hank winced as various screams, cries and explosions filled the air. "Well, Cerebro was right about there being a group of highly dangerous mutants here. Just not the way we imagined or expected."

"Indeed," Xavier sighed. "Seems another round of upgrades to Cerbero is in order. Along with some kind of eccentricity filter."

"More like an insanity filter," Magneto muttered. "If only I could get one of those!"

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro giggled as the unperturbed band professionally played on. "The cameras started rolling as they caught the scenes on tape! Of harried, frazzled X-Men trying madly to escape!"

"AAACCCKKK! HELP!" Jean, Kurt and Kitty yelled as they fled the scene in terror. "LOOK OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"A gooey-covered Cyclops screamed as he prepared to flee!" Pyro grinned gesturing at Scott's ragged form.

"THE DEVIL TAKE YOU CRAZIES AND YOUR ACOLYTE'S SOIREE!" Scott screeched frenetically while stumbling away with his uniform in tatters.

"Ohhh," Logan staggered out from the lake covered in broken-off sharks' teeth and the torn remnants of his uniform. "I need a beer."

"I seriously need to reconsider my life," Rogue rolled her eyes.

"And I really need to get fewer loony recruits," Magneto groaned.

"Yahoooooo!" Pyro whooped skipping around as the horde of animals began gobbling up the remaining food. "There was cooked goose, lime juice, coconut and berry mousse! Untold sights and acts of incredulity!"

"No kidding," Hank moaned sipping his drink.

"Fresh cuts, sore butts, headaches and assorted nuts!" Pyro, Piotr and Sabertooth sang out as the madness swirled about them. "All of that and more at the Acolytes' Soiree! All of that and more at the Acolytes' Soiree!"

"If only what happens at the soiree stays at the soiree," Magneto groaned glancing at Xavier. "If anyone asks, this never happened."

"PYRO GET THESE CRAZY, LONG-NOSED MENACES OFF ME!" Remy shrieked. "AGGGHHH, NOT AGAIN! YOU STUPID AARDVARKS! GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS! IT'S COLD OUT HERE!"

"Agreed," Xavier winced finishing his drink. "I'll even erase the minds of the band, just in case. Hank, Rogue, let's head back to the jet. Rogue?"

"In a minute," Rogue's eyes glazed over while watching a half-naked Remy fend off the mob of female aardvarks. "Wow, those things sure drool a lot."

"They aren't the only ones," Magneto moaned as part of the surrounding forest caught on fire. "They say misery loves company. If only insanity dwelled solely in obscurity!"


Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "The Kelligrews Soiree".