The video opens with two people sitting closely on a couch. Both of them are young, in their early 20s, dressed in comfortable, casual clothes. The woman has bright, emerald eyes—visible even through the lens—and deep red hair down to her collarbones, parted in the middle and pinned to the side with large pearl hair clips. There are freckles dotted across her entire face, concentrated mostly around her nose and cheeks, and she's looking at a point behind the camera. The man has messy black hair, sticking up in the back in stubborn patches. His hazel eyes are covered by a pair of black Boston Model Frames, sitting firmly on the lower end of his nose. There's a large smile on his face, eerily reminiscent of a golden retriever.
"Hello!" The man waves excitedly towards the camera. His companion smiled fondly at him. "Welcome back to Godrics Hollow! I'm James and this is Lily and we're so exited to have you with us."
"I have no idea how you consistently maintain the same level of excitement
every time we start one of these," The woman—Lily—says, though she
sends a little wave of her own towards the viewers.
"I don't know, it's equally fun with each new video," James shrugs. One of his hands is resting casually on Lily's denim-clad knee, the angle such that the viewers can see his fingers rhythmically tapping against it.
"Anyway," he continues, "We've got an interesting one for you today. I think most of you guys have asked for some variation of it for months." He shifts, looks at Lily with a tilt of his head.
Lily looks visibly amused as she picks up the conversation. "It's gonna be a showdown of the romantic versus the queerplatonic wives!"
Suddenly, a face pokes in from the right, almost as if waiting for his cue to enter.
"You called?"
The man who strides into the room is tall, even more so with the heeled combat boots adorning his feet. His long, straight hair is piled into a half-up ponytail, which has the added benefit of showing off ears covered in silver jewellery. There's prominent rings through his nose and lip, and his mouth is stretched into a lazy smirk.
"Aaaaaand that's Sirius," James announces with a grand flourish of his hand not currently occupied.
"Mate, they know who I am," Sirius winks before turning to face the camera fully. "Of course, they also know who's gonna win this little… tête-à-tête. "
"Using fancy French words does not a winner make, Sirius," Lily sings playfully. James is looking between the two of them with a fond look on his face, like he can't decide who to focus on. It's par the course for these videos, of course.
Sirius doesn't reply, instead maturely sticks his tongue out at his adversary. He moves forward to seat himself on the ground, back against the couch and side pressed against James' leg. He pulls one of his legs against his chest while the other is outstretched in front of him. There's a look on contentment on his face as he leans his head against James' knee.
"Alright, let's begin."
"We haven't even explained the rules, Si," James says, exasperated but in a way that shows he's used to his friend's impatience.
"They're smart, they'll keep up," Sirius waves an irreverent hand. It's obvious that irreverence is the defining characteristic of this particular man, and he wears it proudly.
The camera zooms in to focus on Lily's deadpan expression.
"Let me give them the basics before throwing them into the deep end and expecting understanding, okay?" James runs a quick hand through Sirius' hair—leaving one to wonder if that was the true purpose in choosing the floor to sit on.
"Alright. Here's the premise. Sirius and Lily have been calling themselves my wives since, well, I'm pretty sure it was before we even started this channel, right?" He turns to his wife—the legal one—in question.
Lily's eyes narrow. "Final year of school, yes, but I just want the viewers to know that I did not start this. It was your boyfriend."
" Ahem ," Sirius coughs. "I haven't been his boyfriend in a while, okay? Get with the times, Evans—"
"It's Potter!"
"—It's wife now," he ends with a shit eating smirk on his face. He presses harder, against James, one hand sneakily wrapping around his calf.
James, for his part, is biting down on his lip, eyes darting between Lily, who has her arms crossed with a pout on her face, and Sirius, who's stroking the inside of his calf with absent fingers.
"Er—right. That was a nice little glimpse into our usual dynamics. Long time viewers would, of course, be familiar with it. New folks, it's just a bit of friendly competition, no reason to be worried," James smiles winningly at the camera. If he were a cartoon character, there would be a sparkle in the corner.
"Today's goal, however, is to turn the friendly competition into an— official competition, if you will. Sirius and Lily will be competing for the position of premier wife. The method of assessment will be a questionnaire—answers pre-decided of course, for maximum fairness—and both of them would get exactly 30 seconds before they've to reveal their answers at the same time." He looks at the two on either side of him. "You two ready for this?"
The camera focuses first on who Lily nods firmly and then Sirius who, unendingly graceful, inclines his head in assent.
It then zooms in on James who snaps his fingers. It's the signal for scene change.
Lily and Sirius are sitting on opposite ends of a four seater table—comically competitive looks on their faces—James squarely in the center, facing the camera head on. He has a pinstriped blazer over his plain tee, along with a tie that has, on further inspection, tiny broomsticks dotted along its length. It's an— interesting sartorial decision. In front of him is an unplugged mic- bright, glittery purple in color. He doesn't seem to show any signs of self-consciousness.
"Alright then. We have our contestants and the equipment ready," James gestures towards the two who've now moved on to glaring at each other. Lily is in the middle of an 'index-finger-across-the-throat' action. At James' words, both of them, without breaking eye contact, hold up their whiteboards and dry erase markers—pink for Lily, blue for Sirius.
"Er- great," James claps his hands together, slightly too loudly. He's eyeing his 'wives' warily, perhaps realising this might not be the best idea. The first clink of realisation, if you will.
"First question," he says after a second, mic firmly in hand. "We're starting off super easy, setting the stage, you know the deal. What is my favorite color?"
Immediately, Sirius and Lily scribbled in sync on their whiteboard. Five seconds in and both of them are finished. One final look for confirmation and the first round is kicked off by both of them raising their boards high.
GOLDEN , says Lily's.
GOLD (Because you're a chump) , is Sirius' contribution.
James swats at the back of his head with the shimmering mic.
"That's one point for each of you. I must say, I would have been disappointed if it wasn't." He places a Hershey's kiss on each side of the table and looks up with a wink. "Kisses for every correct answer."
"Oh my god, Jamie," Sirius groans, lightly slamming his head against the table. "We're already participating in a visual representation of your ego. Don't tell me the sleaziness will be included in that."
James immediately makes an offended squawk while Lily snorts, raising her hand for a high five. As Sirius reciprocates, there's a ' Ting ' sound on the screen with the words 'Co-Wives Unite'.
—Cut—
"Second question. What was the stuffed animal I slept with as a kid?" James levels a stern look at both participants. "Along with the name, mind. Otherwise it's…not valid."
"That's not fair!"
"Tough luck." James' voice was unsympathetic.
With only a few grumbles, the contestants write their answers down. At James' nod, they slip their boards to face the camera.
Lily has a ' Dragon ' with a slightly uncertain ' Garfinn ?' under it. James looks disappointed, though it quickly changes into joy when he looks at Sirius' ' Dragon—Godric ' Another 'kiss' is slid over the table along with its flying equivalent.
"How do you even remember that?" Lily says, incredulous.
"Bed time stories at the Potters included lots of mythical beings and creatures and Gryffindor was just one of those," Sirius shrugged. It's a subtle hint into their upbringing, the nonchalant reference about the Potters household routines.
"Well, the real competition's begun now, it seems," James says. He looks unduly cheerful at the prospect. Lily looks like she's contemplating hitting him, or herself, over the head with the whiteboard.
"Next question. What did I want to be as a child?"
"Oh, that's easy," Lily mutters. Sirius is seen nodding in agreement.
Ten seconds later, another shared point as ' Postman ' appeared on both whiteboards.
"James was the kind of kid who wanted to be and do everything at once," Lily says.
"And in his infinite seven year old wisdom, decided that a postman would take care of the problem of wanting everything at one," Sirius continues. It seems these two are well versed in picking up each other's train of thought.
"They travelled everywhere, got to talk to people, and drove a cool bike."
"Don't forget the hat. Little James was obsessed with funky headgear. You should see his collection," Sirius snorts. As he does, there's a collection of old photograph scans displayed mid-video. Each one shows a little boy with the same messy hair and rounder frames wearing increasingly ridiculous hats. There's an interesting number of food-themed ones, most notable being one with a pan, a cracked egg, and the empty egg shell all in one ensemble. There's one with another black haired boy—seemingly Sirius from the familiar grey eyes and smirking face—with a simpler burger hat on.
"Alright, alright, that's enough background, I think," James steps in, a very light flush on the tips of his ears. Lily and Sirius share a low five as the 'Ting' goes off again.
—CUT—
"What's the first movie I saw in the theatre?"
"That's so unnecessarily specific." It was Sirius grumbling this time. "How are we supposed to know that?"
"I don't know, that's your problem, honey."
"I think I've got this one," Lily says, low enough that it's barely picked up by the microphone clipped to her blouse. She's chewing on her bottom lip as she scribbles something, scratches it off, and writes something else, surveying it with an air of extreme concentration. Sirius, on the other hand, has clearly not put as much thought into it as he finishes with a flourish before Lily's even put her pen to board. He spends the rest of his time making faces at James, who happily reciprocates.
"Done," Lily announces. Her husband is caught with his mouth open and tongue out and he sheepishly closes it with a clearing of his throat.
"Right, er, let's see it then."
Whiteboards are flipped over and there are two hilariously opposing answers written down. Lily has ' Forrest Gump ' and Sirius has ' Lion King '. James looks between the two of them, blinks at Lily's choice, and silently pushes a piece of candy towards Sirius.
Perhaps he's realising the error of his ways. One can only hope.
Lily's mouth drops open while the other man basks in silent glory, despite his earlier complaints. "How in the name of Christ did you get that? You're cheating, aren't you, Black?"
"Evans—"
"For the hundredth time, it's Potter !"
"—how can I cheat? I'm right here in front of you, the entire world is watching us—"
"Er, think that's a bit of an exaggeration, mate," James cuts in.
"—so I think this just shows I'm winning. Fair and square," he finishes with an infuriating smirk gracing his handsome face. Lily's eyes narrow in his direction and she huffs, seemingly unable to find a response.
"How did you get that, Padfoot?" James asks, leaning forward.
"Well, to be honest, I didn't. I just wrote down the movie I watched in theatre for the first time and well, this isn't the first time we've been on the same page, is it, Prongs?"
"You two are infuriating," Lily cuts in before her husband can respond with something equally gooey. The camera zooms in on her.
"You know I love you, honey," James leans forward to press a kiss to her brow and a reluctant smile grows on her lips. There's the sound of a throat clearing and the camera pans out to show Sirius sitting primly, a cheek pointedly turned up. James half-rolls his eyes but obliges, shifting to the other side to press another kiss to the side of his face.
"Satisfied?" he asks rhetorically before turning to the camera with a long suffering shake of his head. "This is what I have to put up with every day."
"Look at him complaining as if he doesn't try and get us in the same bed five nights out of seven," Sirius scoffs. There's a cut to James' face shaking his head in vehement denial before it focuses on Lily who has a hand over her mouth, eyes crinkled in mirth.
—CUT—
"Who was my first friend?"
Lily's ' Rani ' gets her a kiss, and Sirius' ' Your mom ' garners a hissed 'fuck you' although his unrepentant glee indicates it was a calculated choice and the lost point was an acceptable tradeoff.
—Cut—
"Which teacher loved me most?"
"Which one didn't, is a better question," Lily's mutter is barely picked up by the mic. Sirius dips his head in assent even as he rolls his marker between his fingers, thinking about his own answer.
"I was a great kid, you know," James fills in the silence left by the other two, "A little naughty, sure, but no one ever said a word to me. Everyone's favorite, and all that."
Sirius coughs. "More like Effie and Flea were the biggest donors of the school and they couldn't risk making you unhappy."
James turns to him with betrayal painted across his face. He points one shaking finger in his direction, mouth open on a stuttered ' yo-yo-you ' when Lily reaches forward to pat his cheek, slightly comfortingly, entirely patronisingly.
"Baby, you know he's not wrong."
"I was a model child! The image of academic perfection!" James yowls.
"You literally shoved a candy cane up a child's nose once," Sirius interrupted.
"Because they wouldn't let me sit on my own seat, my god, Si, we've been over this before—"
"—and it still doesn't make the creative violence right. You know that, I know that, and your second grade teacher definitely knew that."
"Okay, that was one time—"
"And of course, there was that time you flooded all the hallways for no reason," Lily added, lips pulled into a small smirk.
"Not to mention little Virginia who lost half her eyebrow because the two of you decided to light firecrackers in the loo—"
"—she literally brought those herself—" James tries to defend himself but Sirius was clearly having none of it.
"—as if you didn't spend a whole day convincing her to do it?"
James growls lowly before slouching back with a pout on his face, arms crossed. Sirius has a victorious smile on his face. "Fine, I get it. I wasn't actually a paragon of virtue, I was just a Potter."
"Often the same, according to some people," Lily winks at the camera.
The camera cuts off just as James appears to be working himself up to another round of outrage.
—CUT—
The next clips starts in the middle of an argument, the game apparently forgotten.
"You two are literally called Lames—"
"As opposed to what, Jirius? Blotter ?" Lily scoffs.
"— and ," he continues, voice pitched deliberately higher to speak over her. "we look better together. That's just fact."
"You look incestuous together." Sirius' mouth falls open; James is stuck between joining him in the offence and dissolving in laughter.
"Ince—"
"Yes, with the hair and the bone structure and the—"
"Oh, you're in for it now, Evans!"
"For the last time, it's Potter!"
"Aaaaaand with that, we end this episode of Godric's Hollow," James steps in front of the squabbling duo, winning smile on his face that does nothing to hide the despair in his eyes. It looks like a bit like he's screaming for help without the actual screaming involved. Long time viewers, of course, know it's all an act, because James not just enjoys this behaviour but also actively encourages it (case in point: the wife wars). Melodrama is just embedded in his genetic code. "A big thank you to all of you for your continued support. For all the new ones, like, subscribe, comment—Sirius loves it when you guys talk about what a dork I am, Lily can't get enough of the thirst. And we'll see you in the next one!"
The screen melts into a cream coloured still with the words 'Mischief Managed' animated on it. There's various stick figures depicting moments from their time so far on Youtube. It's the customary end for their videos.
Comments 6.9K
AthenianRainbow
Is it just me or does it seem like Sirius threw the game to make it seem more even? He definitely had all the answers.
— no, i agree! look at his face at 4:23. homeboy knew.
CarlaJen
These three look so good together, I can never get enough 😍😍
baybeegorl
lily's a lucky gal. imagine getting to live with both of those hunks of fresh meat damn.
— I think James is the lucky one here. He gets two gorgeous humans fighting over him, literally can it get any better?
tim
LMAO sirius demanding a kiss when lily gets one. they're really not kidding with the wife thing huh?
PishPosh
i'm sorry am i the only one who can't stop thinking about james sleeping with both of them? what is this, a share-the-man type of situation?
—Of course it is, can't you sense the degeneracy? Youth these days, utterly shameless, I tell you.
—no one wants you here, gramps. go back to facebook where u can be a creep among your kind.
MattieP.
I feel kind of bad for Lily here, she's clearly not on the same level as Sirius' (which like, those two boys are crazy close, huh?) but she tried her best. And now she has to live with the knowledge that her husband's best friend knows him better than she does. Poor girl.
—Yeah, I don't think she's too torn up about it. Look at her.
ray
ok but sirius black can raw dog me anytime
—was that a mf pun
—bet ur astrology lovin' ass it was
b99forlyf
lily: this is my husband james, and that is his boyfriend sirius.
—if this isn't the most accurate comment i've seen today
ygygyd
i love how james can't decide whether he wants lily or sirius
— and in the process, the lucky bastard gets both. some guys have all the luck huh?
klaus
….wait, did anyone realise they didn't formally end it with a declaration?
— look at the man, do u think he wants to get clobbered by both of his wives?
— yes.
