A/N before you begin: The idea of this story came from the sadistic part of my brain in the aftermath of losing Hawkins and the pit of despair I found myself in. It started out as just one of those "imagine if..." ideas and well, I did imagine. And I came up with this. I apologize in advance.
Shoutout to Colleen Hoover for the title/summary inspo. I haven't read any of her books but tiktok's fyp sure thinks I have.
chapter one
The wail of the sirens and roar of the fire did nothing to drown out the gut-wrenching sobs from Violet. She fought against Boden's hold on her, wanting to run to Evan's side.
"Evan," Violet sobbed. She pulled against her chief's arms, eyes never leaving her boyfriend's body as her team moved him away from the debris. "No, no, no…"
Violet startled awake, her gasping breaths turning to sobs. It'd been the same nightmare almost every day for the past month. Except, it wasn't a nightmare. It was real.
Evan was dead. The man she loved was gone.
It had been four weeks since a partial building collapse at a fire stole the love of Violet's life from her. Four weeks of unimaginable, sometimes unmanageable, grief and sadness as she began navigating a world where Evan Hawkins no longer existed.
The first two weeks were the hardest.
She'd said goodbye to Evan at Med and kissed him one final time, through a fresh round of tears and sobs. They'd cleaned him up and closed his eyes, something Violet would be eternally grateful for. She loved Evan's hazel eyes but didn't need to see his lifeless stare again. She couldn't handle it.
"Violet?"
Despite how quiet the voice was, it still startled Violet in the quiet of the room. There in the doorway were Evan's parents. She'd only met Dennis and Julie Hawkins once, accidentally when they stopped by his apartment while she was there, but she'd liked them from the beginning. His mom was the first to hug her.
"He was so proud of you. He talked about you all the time. I've never seen him happier," she whispered in Violet's ear.
Violet didn't need to see the woman's face to know it showed devastation identical to hers.
"He loved you so much. Don't ever forget that."
Another sob ripped out of Violet.
Julie just hugged her tighter before stepping back and letting Dennis step in for a hug. The former Paramedic Chief had reservations about her and Evan's relationship at first, reservations he made well known.
"You're dating a subordinate?!" He'd yelled at Evan over the phone. It seemed the CFD rumor mill extended to the retired members as well. "Risking your career for a hook-up with one of your paramedics?! Evan, what the hell are you thinking?"
"I love her!" Evan yelled back. "She's not just some hookup dad, ok? I'm in love with her and if being with her risks my career…. well, that's a risk I'm more than willing to take. She's worth it."
Dennis did come around, thankfully before it was too late, and his hug was just as strong as Julie's.
"I'm sorry I couldn't save him," Violet mumbled. The words were muffled against Dennis's shoulder, but they still rang clear in the silence of the room.
Dennis broke away from the hug at that, stepping away slightly to let Julie step up beside him. They each put a hand on Violet.
"None of that," Dennis said. "The doctors said he was gone before he was pulled out of the rubble."
"But your team said you tried to save him, despite everything. So, thank you," Julie said softly, fresh tears filling her eyes. She gently squeezed Violet's hand. "Thank you for trying to save our boy."
Violet nodded and forced down another sob. gave them a small, sad smile. "I'll give you guys some time alone."
She heard them thank her as she left the room, but Violet couldn't dare look back.
Her team was waiting for her in the waiting room, along with DC Hill and others from the CFD, all with open arms and words of comfort. The words fell on empty ears as Violet's grief turned to shock. She was numb, empty.
Ritter and Brett were the first to see her, the pair immediately wrapping her in a hug. Gallo was next, followed by Stella and the rest of 51 until there was a mob of firefighters in the middle of Gaffney's ED.
They stayed at the hospital for a few more hours, until Evan's parents returned to the waiting room and offered to take Violet home.
The days after were a blur. Evan's parents involved Violet in the funeral arrangements, letting her make decisions on how best to honor Evan. Boden had given her time off and her friends at 51 kept a constant stream of phone calls, texts, and visits. Very few of them knew exactly what she was going through, but they were there to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on.
Evan's funeral was one of the worst days of Violet's life, second only to the day she lost him forever. The church they picked for the service was filled to the brim with friends, family members, and coworkers. Being surrounded by people who knew and loved Evan was healing but also incredibly heartbreaking.
Already drowning in grief, the eulogies others gave for Evan did nothing to help keep Violet afloat. She knew what kind of man Evan was, how sweet, dedicated, and loving he was. She'd experienced it first-hand. The words spoken and stories told only served to rub in the fact that Violet would never see Evan again.
Violet had had her worst breakdown that night. She'd screamed and sobbed for hours with her friends, much like that night at the Pickwick theater. Evan was gone. Violet couldn't save him. She couldn't bring him back. and now she had to live the rest of her life without him.
Violet didn't leave her apartment, barely left her bed, in the days following the funeral. She ignored calls and texts from her friends and family, only returning a few one to two-word text messages to let them know she was still alive. Evan's parents would call and stop by, bringing things over from Evan's apartment that Violet might want as a reminder of Evan.
She'd never forget Evan, but physical reminders of him were always welcomed.
Brett, Ritter, Gallo, and others from the firehouse would come by and make sure Violet was eating. She barely acknowledged them the first few days. It wasn't until Stella and Kelly stopped by that Violet turned a corner. She had managed to move from her bed to the couch, occupying one end while Kelly sat on the other. Stella had moved to the kitchen to make Violet some lunch, leaving Kelly and Violet to talk.
The conversation was slow and very one-sided at first as Kelly talked about Shay and the impact her life, and death had on Kelly. Violet had seen Shay's name on the ambulance and all through the firehouse, but she never knew the history she had with Kelly, not that she spoke a ton to the Squad Lieutenant before.
"How do you live with that hole in your heart?" she asked quietly.
"It'll be one of the hardest things you'll ever do," Kelly said. "Continuing to live your life when such a huge part of it's gone. And it's gonna suck, for a long time. But eventually, that hole shrinks a little and it won't hurt as much."
Violet sniffled. "God I can't wait for it to not hurt as much."
"Lean on your friends and the people who love you. We're all here for you, let us help you carry the load."
So that's what Violet did. It was slow going at first; she started responding to texts and calls, being honest with her friends when they asked how she was doing, and she reached out when the grief got to be too much. Slowly but surely the dark cloud over Violet started to recede.
Grief was a funny thing though, and just when Violet thought things were looking up something would happen to bring her right back down. She'd find a shirt Evan left behind after spending the night at her place or she'd see a picture of them on her phone or his favorite song would play, and any progress Violet had made in the grieving process would disappear.
She needed a change, needed to get back to some semblance of normal. She still had leave time, but Violet was ready to go back to work. Maybe ready wasn't the right word, but she needed to get back to work. Boden had his reservations but agreed to let Violet come back if she got the OK from the department therapist.
Three weeks to the day she lost Evan, Violet returned to 51.
Being back in her routine, surrounded by friends and working with patients, gave Violet the distraction she desperately needed but it wasn't a perfect fix. Violet still caught herself looking for Evan at their bigger scenes, despite the fact he'd be in his new district if he was still alive, and meeting the new Paramedic Chief was like a punch in the gut. Firehouse 51 was a special place though, and the people there knew her and understood what she was going through better than most people would. They acknowledged her grief, but they didn't treat her with kid gloves. They encouraged her and supported her, and Violet had never been more thankful for her coworkers and friends.
The bubble of peace Violet had at 51 seemed to only exist at 51. It was like her uniform was a shield from her grief, allowing her a reprieve from her memories and feelings as long as she was wearing it.
When she took her uniform off, that's when everything hit again. Nightmares plagued the few hours of sleep she got at home each night. Her appetite was non-existent when her friends weren't around to make sure she ate and she survived on the strongest coffee she could find.
Despite not being on shift on the one-month anniversary of Evan's death, Violet was blessedly surrounded by her friends. They spent the entire day with her, allowing her to grieve but not wallow, and supporting her as she called Evan's parents to check in on them. Gallo cooked all of her favorite foods, making sure she ate, while Ritter and Brett made plans to get them out of the apartment. The group avoided Molly's for the night since that was one of the last places Violet and Evan went to together, instead choosing to go to Stella and Kelly's loft for the Bears game. Was Violet a football fan? No, not really, but neither was Evan, so they figured it was safe. Carver, Joe and his family, and even Capp and Tony came over to watch the game and hang out–surrounding Violet with the necessary distraction she needed. Brett even invited Violet and Stella to her place that night, giving Violet a much-needed break from the boys and a chance to talk and cry.
Violet had been dreading the day as it approached but being surrounded by her friends, the people she loved, made it not as soul-crushing as she expected.
Now, however, alone in her apartment on the heels of yet another nightmare, Violet realized grief didn't need a special day or an anniversary to rear its ugly head again.
Once she'd calmed down, Violet knew she wouldn't be going back to sleep. Not only had the nightmare, more vivid than the past few had been, shaken her up but her stomach was uneasy. The nausea was a new thing, but Violet chalked it up to grieving and the yoyoing of her eating habits over the past month. Some days it was nonexistent and some days it lasted from the moment she woke up to when she went to sleep. It seemed like this day was going to be one of the latter.
Checking the time, Violet sighed. It was 2:00 am, the morning of a 24-hour shift and she was wide awake. She laid back down and tried to go back to sleep but her stomach rolled again and sent her scrambling to the bathroom with a groan.
Violet spent the next few hours in her bathroom, not trusting her stomach enough to go back to bed. She braved a few trips to the kitchen to grab some tea or ginger ale but nothing seemed to help. Her stomach settled enough for her to be able to go back to bed but before Violet could drift off to sleep, her alarm went off.
With another groan, Violet got out of bed and sped through her morning routine. If she got ready fast enough, she could take the long way to the firehouse and stop by her favorite coffee shop. It was one she and Evan would frequent some mornings when they were off shift—it was quaint, served great coffee, and best of all, it was out of the way enough that the two could go and not worry about being 'found out' by their colleagues.
This would be the first time Violet visited since Evan died. She went back and forth on whether to follow through with her plan but in the end, their iconic triple-shot espresso was calling her name.
She had a feeling she'd need it.
… … …
Violet was late for work. Violet had never been late for work, not even her first shift back after losing Evan.
Sylvie nervously looked back and forth between her watch and the door to the locker room. Morning briefing was supposed to start in just a few minutes and there was still no sign of the younger paramedic. She grabbed her phone and headed toward the briefing room with a sigh.
As she walked across the app floor, it was hard not to notice the missing truck and ambulance. One of the Squad guys from the first shift said 81 and 61 had been called out to a car accident right before the end of their shift. Sylvie felt a pit growing in her stomach. Calls right before or after shift change usually signaled a busy day ahead, but there was something else. Sylvie couldn't place it but something was telling her it had something to do with her missing partner.
Sylvie shot a text off to Violet as she entered the briefing room. Noticing Gallo and Ritter with their phones out, she assumed they were doing the same. By the looks on their faces, it seemed they hadn't heard back from Violet either.
Boden entered the room just as the group heard the rigs pull back into the station. He immediately launched into his morning debrief and was a few minutes in before noticing his absent paramedic. "Where's Violet?"
The members of 51 looked around the room, most realizing for the first time that Violet wasn't there. Boden, however, only looked at Ritter, Gallo, and Sylvie—the three people closest to her.
"I haven't heard from her Chief," Ritter said. "I texted her but haven't gotten a response back."
Sylvie and Gallo both shook their heads, acknowledging they hadn't heard from her either.
Boden sighed but before he could say anything one of the first-shift paramedics, Davis, stuck his head into the briefing room. "I might be able to help with that Chief. Violet's at Med."
The reaction was instantaneous, and Davis was immediately overwhelmed with questions.
"Enough!" Boden yelled, silencing the group in front of him. When they quieted down, Boden turned his attention back to Davis. "What happened?"
"That call we just came back from? Someone drove into a coffee shop. Apparently, Violet was there getting coffee and helped until we arrived. She gave a statement to the police and helped us triage the few injured. She wasn't near the crash and she didn't have any visible injuries but after all the injured had been treated, she passed out." At the concerned looks Davis was getting, he quickly continued. "She regained consciousness almost immediately, and I'm sure she's fine, but we wanted to be cautious."
Boden thanked Davis and then turned his attention back to his crew. "Let's go."
The crew didn't need any more prompting. They all loaded into their rigs and headed toward Med.
… … …
Violet was more annoyed than anything. She was fine. Her fainting was nothing more than her lack of sleep and dehydration catching up with her mixed with the adrenaline crash from the rescue. She told as much to the paramedics on the scene and the staff at Med but none of them seemed satisfied with just her word.
They took blood and ran tests, leaving Violet stuck in the ED until the results were in. She didn't even have her phone to keep her entertained or allow her to check in with anyone at 51—she'd left it in her car at the coffee shop after calling 9-1-1. There's no way she wasn't late for work; despite leaving early, Violet was still cutting it close time-wise before a car crashed through the wall of the coffee shop. She just hoped Robbins and Davis followed through with their promise and told Boden.
Violet was tempted to borrow Maggie's or Will's phone and call the station but she didn't need to because, ED rules be damned, the entirety of 51's second shift entered her treatment room. "Uh, hi?"
"Are you OK?" Sylvie asked.
"I'm fine," Violet promised. "Halstead's just waiting on lab work to prove there's nothing wrong and then I'll be good to go."
"Really?" Gallo asked. He quirked an eyebrow. "I don't think people typically pass out for no reason…"
Violet rolled her eyes. "It was an adrenaline crash, made worse by the fact I didn't sleep well last night." Before she could continue, Will walked into the room. "And here's Will to tell you that himself."
Will looked up from the tablet in his hand to the multiple firefighters in the treatment room. "How did all of you get back here? Nevermind, I don't want to know. If you guys wouldn't mind stepping out to the waiting room, I need to talk to Violet." He turned his attention to the paramedic. "Your lab tests are back."
"No, let them stay." Violet requested. "That way they can hear that I'm fine directly from you."
"Are you sure?"
At Will's question, the confident smile on Violet's face started to drop. "Yeahhh, why? Is something wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Will got out quickly. He knew what had happened to Chief Hawkins and knew how protective the members of 51 had been of Violet ever since. "And you're right. You are fine. Most of your numbers are well within the normal range."
Violet eyed Will carefully. She hadn't known the doctor as long as some of the others had but she'd worked as a first responder long enough to know when she wasn't getting the full story. "And the numbers that aren't 'in the normal range'?"
Will clicked a few things on the tablet and then handed it to Violet. She scanned through her lab results until she found what Will was talking about. "No way."
"I had them run it twice, just to be sure," Will said, almost apologetically.
Violet's heart started racing. Her newfound distress showed externally as well, with just the subtle shake of her hands, and her teammates picked up on it.
Sylvie put a hand on Violet's shoulder. "What's wrong?"
It took Violet a moment, stuck in her own shock, to find her voice but when she spoke again, her voice was rough with emotion. "I uh, I'm….pregnant."
She didn't hear everyone's reactions to the news or see the realization come across their faces as they processed what her words meant. She was stuck in her own memories.
Memories of her, Evan, and that wonderful surprise weekend at the Waukegan Marriott.
A/N: also, shout out to me for writing the Severide/Violet convo before the episode even aired lol
Did you enjoy? Are you devastated about Hawkins? Drop me a review and let me know!
