TWO
Jack O'Neill knelt down on his good knee and took her hand in his.
"Don't think, just do. Marry me."
The simple statement caught her by surprise. She went down to her knees, helping him to sit, then took his hands in hers.
"Screw the circumstances, Sam."
"Technically, we're not here, Sir."
"I don't care. Can't you see that?"
"And it is for this very reason we can't do this. You're not yourself."
"Please, Sam."
"No, Jack."
"Excuse me?"
Sitting down, she crossed her legs like her superior had and straightened her back. Their knees touched and she winced briefly.
"You made it through and are confused."
"Confused? I'm giving you what you want. What we've wanted."
"Not like this, Sir. You're rambling, and I'm . . ."
"Don't say it. Ignore the rulebook. Ignore the line and step over it. C'mon." He placed a hand to her cheek. "Please."
His voice echoed faintly. It sounded desperate.
Didn't her voice sound desperate, too? Didn't Carter always keep him from dying? With two words, it was always two words which kept him sane. They kept him hoping.
"You were never a safe bet, even if I convinced myself you were. You're unattainable."
"Not now."
Carter smirked. "It's too easy."
"Why? Because we're not dying? We're not on the brink of losing each other? We're not being pulled apart. You're here, right now, and it matters."
Taking hold of his hand, she brushed it away from her cheek and drew it to his knee. Jack watched with sadness and breathed a shaky sigh.
"It's eating at me, Sam. All the ways our missions could've gone and those moments I never said a word."
"Two words, they were enough."
"Not enough. If weren't for you."
"Please, Sir, don't. We've been over this."
"You can't stop a chain reaction, Carter. These events are in motion, they've been in motion since the day we met. I'm trying here. You're not the one on trial, I am. This is my confession. I need to do this."
"I know." She sighed. "They called me first."
"I volunteered."
"Always."
"Right, 'cause this is our dance, we dictate it. We are in control."
"It's a dance we've avoided over the years, Sir. For good reason. You're unattainable."
"What if I weren't?"
Carter frowned at that.
"What if we push the rules and regulations aside, and for argument's sake, see where this leads us? It will be painful, something we've practiced since our feelings were forced to the foreground. We can do this. Say yes."
"I don't have a good track record. It never ends well."
"Yeah, good thing I've survived. It tells ya something."
She stifled a giggle "Sir."
"What? It's true." His face softened. "I want to be here, with you."
"Wherever here is."
"Do I hear doubt, Carter? Are you considering?"
"Considering reconsidering."
They shared a momentary chuckle, but then their faces turned solemn the way they used to do when they realized it's impossible to press on any further.
"I didn't say what I'm considering."
"I'll take it."
"I do enjoy our conversations. Getting to know our differences, indifferences. Still . . ."
"And we were doing so well." Jack tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and let his fingers linger. "You think and think. And I know I can't change ya there. I don't want to."
"Preposition?"
He smiled cheekily.
"After eight years, why settle for less, when we know each other so well?"
"Maybe it's the problem."
"Don't, please. Live in the moment, with me."
"I can't."
His fingers tensed upon her cheek, then fell away. He felt slighted and she noted the familiar look in his eyes. The one where he knew she was unattainable, that no matter what alternate reality married them, in this reality they just couldn't surrender.
Military ranks. Working relationship. They were so good together.
"Sure."
"We find comfort in each other's presence, but we're always ripped away when we get too close. It's the dance we chose for the sake of our careers. We promised that defending earth came first."
"Earth is safe. It shouldn't hinge on us, not anymore. We've sacrificed more than enough. We let go and watched ourselves move on. Does it look like we've moved on?"
With a nod, she agreed, though his eyes she avoided, looking anywhere but at him. He touched her chin and turned her gaze upon him. Those blue eyes melted his heart and his mind screamed at him.
"This is the closest we've ever been, Sam. I'm not letting go. I know where I stand, and your mind keeps getting in the way of happiness. You are not doomed. We are not doomed. The world will not cease to exist because of one word. Accept my proposal. Say yes."
"Walking away is never easy."
Jack's heart sank.
"It's a misconception that they say it is easy. All the times we turned our backs on one another, we drifted away and became consumed in our work. Well, I did. You, General O'Neill, you went home. Stargate Command is my home."
"You can't imagine yourself anywhere else? Not even with me?"
Stroking his forehead, he hid his disappointment, but she was perceptive enough, so he let his hand fall away and showed her what he thought about the decision.
She touched her fingers to his jaw and smiled. "There, I can see you, for the first time. Feeling is more than hiding it beneath your strong exterior."
"Okay."
"When you lack words, I fill the silence."
"Okay."
Carter let her hand fall away. Jack swallowed, deeply.
"You cut me short when I ramble. I fall short. I fall, you stay. SG1 always stays, it is who we are and have been since Hammond chose us. Out of obligation and military loyalty, we work things through. We move mountains, to rescue our friends. We push aside our feelings, and still we are controlled by them. So, what makes this experience different? What makes us different?"
"I've allowed you to dig, Carter."
"Teal'c is a brother. Daniel a brother. Who am I to you?"
"Someone I rely upon."
"To save SG1."
"That's not fair."
"It's self-explanatory, Sir. As a team, we depend upon each other. We have formed a bond no one besides the military understands. Battles have forged us, made us stronger. We're forged, you and I. So are Teal'c and Daniel. It is fair."
"You and I, we are more. We are."
"Independent."
"So?"
"Dependant."
"Carter, you're not making sense."
"We let go, only to end up back where we started. And I don't think I can take going through another cycle. I'm afraid if I give in . . ."
"Let us be afraid together."
"This is not us, Sir. We are being manipulated."
"And so what if we're vulnerable? I'm the last person to admit how I really feel. And at the same time, I want to feel it. I want to feel everything."
"I'm your voice of reason."
"I've always been yours."
"You're not acting like yourself, General."
"Neither are you, Lt. Colonel."
"We're a mess, I admit. Nothing is ever simple when it comes to us, but what you're feeling is beyond our control. Logically you have surrendered yourself to a people who are led by science and experimentation. You are their experiment and I'm their bait. And I am the reason why you've been forced to confront this trial."
"I would do anything for you. Believe me."
"I know, and so do they."
