THREE
MINNESOTA
- Several weeks later
In the middle of the night, Sam woke with a thin sheet of sweat across her forehead. It was dark out and the stars twinkled lazily in the night sky. She pondered them, how many they'd visited and saved from the Goa'uld. How many differing technologies she'd tampered with and analysed and duplicated. What helped and what didn't. What gave major breakthroughs and those which simply gave her migraines. They were too many to count.
And for the umpteenth time, she found herself ignoring the reason for waking up.
The General's lack of communication the first week seemed understandable. The second week acceptable. But by the third week, having not checked in with her or his D.C home or here at the cabin, the reservations returned.
Mitchell and the rest of SG1 sailed ahead, being off-world more than at Stargate Command. Engaged in meetings and sending out teams, General Landry listened to her voicemails but returned only one. 'All is well, nothing to report'.
It was two weeks ago.
Little communication she understood, because of off-world travel and analyses afterward, and also since everyone located nearby within the facility. But now she had reason to communicate. She had reason to look forward to news and to check in with friends.
Why was she afraid to go further? What prevented her from inquiring deeper? Did it make her look desperate? Or was it because they were hiding their relationship? The old SG1 knew, and that's enough. She just wished Teal'c and Daniel returned her mails. Definitive answers would explain O'Neill's avoidance.
She slipped from bed, wrapped herself with the blanket and sauntered down the hallway. Inside the bathroom, the light illuminated the tiredness and concern in her eyes. This she drenched with cold water along with her forehead, using the towel to dry her face.
She looked at the mirror again.
For every action there's a reaction.
Her actions would draw suspicion and would embarrass her, sure, even so, she had the right to know why he was silent. As former teammates, finding out where he currently resided gave her permission to go the extra mile.
Fear smothered her chest. An awkward sensation the General no longer provoked. Then came anxiety. He didn't instigate it either. Uncertainty followed. And she knew she felt something deeper her mind could not process.
She fought to stay with him, too tired to be apart. It made her anxious, exhausted, and at the same time, she resisted the urge to stay by his side constantly and support him like he did for her. As Colonel and Major they'd been of one mind. As Sam and Jack, they were just Jack and Sam.
Over the years, she'd closed herself off, and knew that forming an attachment with someone other than Jack would lead to disappointment, fear and unwarranted emotions. Then she met Pete, she learned to feel again. Hope filled her life. She was happy and tired. Tired in O'Neill's presence, drained in her emotions, until she let Pete go, and life blossomed again. Jack was her hope now. He breathed new life into her work, even though he didn't understand it completely.
The separation between them drained her emotions, and he would always show up in time.
Not this time.
He's here, but not. She's here, but not really. And yet they were connected by a bond established by years of saving each other and the team. They seemed to understand one another on a level deeper than most people. With him, she found comfort, compassion and a love she didn't deserve. Perhaps it was too good to be true, to be cherished by him. Then she deceived herself by saying she's not good enough, that she wasn't worthy enough, to get what her heart desired most.
A depth existed within him, a depth few had access to, for he never allowed others to dig and dig. Even so, he had allowed her to find what he's truly capable of, especially when they were together. She saw him, Jack O'Neill, and appreciated his insight and advice and how he respected and treasured her.
He showed her life. So then what was she afraid of? They knew each other well enough, have become comfortable with one another.
They keep ending at the edge, and she's the first one to pull away. After everything, faithfully he stands waiting for her. They keep finding their way back to each other, needing one another more and more these days.
The anxiety overwhelmed her and sleep wouldn't come easily after this.
In the living room, she sat down upon the couch and leaned back. The moon cast a soft glow within the room. The stillness enveloped her, calming her mind and lulling her emotions.
Once the quietness settled in, it dawned on her. It was crystal clear, it always has been, that relying upon someone as much as she has upon Jack, scared her immensely. Even if she knew he was the one.
A commitment. It was the answer. Not halfway. Not second-guessing or being afraid. She needed to go all in or choose to walk away right now, when they were still figuring out this relationship of theirs.
This maze of thoughts wouldn't allow her peace until she did something about it. Even though she knew, even though she understood and even if she had the answer, implementing what her heart wanted will never be easy. Walking away, the decision seemed easy enough. Didn't it? Then she wouldn't know what could've been. She would miss the opportunity of living life with her admirer, and admired her he did, deeply and affectionately.
Which brought her to the crossroad.
Lazily her eyes fell shut.
They were two worlds apart, only their Air Force careers connected them.
She didn't know how to face this hurdle. What if she ignored it and moved passed it? Maybe the General felt the same way. Maybe this was the reason for his absence. Or perhaps he struggled as well. He was alone, too. He contemplated just like she contemplated. They were essentially thinking about one another and trying to figure out what was the best course of action.
At present, his face eluded her, she couldn't gage what he might be thinking or doing, so that she could act accordingly. And she felt like a fly that needed swatting. An irritation, a distraction he desired to avoid, which divided her focus, her certainty.
His absence saddened her. She missed him. No longer can she deny the desire to be with him. Continually he seeks her out, makes her his full focus, especially in times when she needs an ear to listen.
But what's best for Jack?
Their lives together as a team voiced the real story. What she dedicated her life to and what that amounted to in the aftermath, and even still, she trusted him to the fullest extent. He always believed he did what was best for her.
So then, she is what's best for Jack.
The revelation led her back to awareness and she moved towards the guest bedroom without thought. Stuffing her clothes into the duffel bag, she wondered if following her hunch would pay off. Even so, she made the arrangements and found herself standing in her quarters at the SGC the next day.
SG1 had been off-world since the day before, which suited her just fine. It was a personal matter, only General Landry could bring her up to speed and inform her about what she wanted to know. He did report to General O'Neill directly and valued privacy above all else.
But what would she say? How would she convince Landry, that what really brought her here was simple curiosity? Hardly the truth, yes, but a step in the right direction.
She stood before him, watching his eyes as he watched hers.
"General O'Neill." He breathed a sigh, confusing her. "No, it's not what you think, Lt. Colonel." Landry quickly pacified. "He is a strange man, he is."
Carter agreed with a slight nod.
"He's nosy, too."
Was he stalling, on purpose?
"Can't say I always agree with him."
"Frankly, Sir, I'm not sure where this is going."
"Oh, it's going, Lt. Colonel, it's definitely going."
Sam bit her lip, thinking the worse possible scenario.
Did the General imply that Jack had left?
Left what? The Air Force? The planet? What? And where to?
