The Great Sausage Snake
Alex walked into the next dim room and came across a snake. The snake was about five or six meters long. That wasn't why he was staring, though. The snake was as thick around as a man's torso. It was massive. It looked more like a leathery sausage than a snake. It had to weigh at least 300 lbs. Could it even slither?
Alex continued to stare awkwardly. He took a cautious step toward the snake. It was wrapped in barbed wire. The snake let out a very pathetic-sounding hiss. Alex rolled his eyes. This was stupid. He walked up to the snake and just stared. "What the fuck?!"
Alex heard a snort behind him. He whipped around and saw a dude in a bird mask. His eyes narrowed as the man froze. The man spoke next. "Terrifying Aztec God, my ass."
Alex gestured behind him. Birdman seemed to agree with him. Honestly. "This is kind of pathetic. One dude had a shark try to eat me, you know."
Birdman took off his mask. Alex grinned as he tossed it into the slime pit nearby. "An actual man-eating shark?"
Alex cackled slightly. The man looked moderately alarmed. "Yeah. There was also a mechanical cave that would close on you and smash you."
The man swiped at his face. He stared at Alex for a good few seconds. "That's fucked up, little dude. Uh, why are you here?"
Alex shrugged. He decided to go with part of the truth. "He kidnapped my girlfriend. She's pretty. And sixteen."
The man winced slightly. Alex had phrased it that way on purpose. "That sucks."
Alex glanced at the snake. It had to be on the verge of a heart attack. What had he done, fed it raw lard?! "Can snakes get diabetes?"
The man just gave him a deer-in-the-headlights look. Okay, no biology questions for that one. "Dude, I don't even know if snakes have insulin. Way above my pay grade. I could try texting my science…uh…guru?"
Alex gave him an incredibly suspicious look. The man sighed. Alex watched him pull out his phone and send a text. The phone beeped about three seconds later. "Snakes can become diabetic."
Alex looked at the snake. He looked at the dude. "Why are you even here?"
The man looked borderline hysterical. Honestly. At least the CIA agents could keep it together on the job. "I don't know! This is my first week with this job! I was told it was going to be a normal guard gig and then they told me to dress up in this ridiculous costume and stand around all day! I don't even know why we're guarding this shit because all the confidential information is locked in a safe!"
Alex just stared. You know, he was starting to think he wasn't the only one being traumatized by this whole ordeal. "I'm sorry for knocking you out?"
The man rolled his eyes. Alex scowled and folded his arms. "Shut up. You're like fucking twelve. I'm not getting paid enough to murder cute kids."
Alex shrugged. Okay, he would admit he had been fooled. "Nice acting?"
The man sighed and walked up to him. Alex was awkwardly patted on the head. The man promptly removed his hand after about three head pats. He was probably the most awkward adult that Alex had ever met.
THUD!
"Oh, god. Gregorovich is going to shoot you if he sees you. Fucking lunatic."
Alex ducked behind the snake. There was a long pause. He held his breath. A good few minutes passed in complete silence. He felt a gentle tap on his shoulder.
"Looks like it's clear."
Alex slowly got up. He rubbed his arms. "I feel like we should cut the snake loose?"
The man let out a sigh and muttered something about being too soft for this shit. Alex watches him pull out a pair of pliers. The snake was still staring at them. Then again, it didn't exactly have eyelids. The slowly snipping of the wire was sort of reassuring. The man began gently removing the wire from the snake. The wire was wound carefully away from the snake. The snake was now free-ish.
Alex stared at it. He ran a hand down the warm leathery flesh. It was actually kind of nice. "You aren't thinking of keeping it, right?"
Alex gave the man a crooked grin. He looked nervous. Could security guards have anxiety? "I'm afraid that I have neither the space nor the money. I would if I could, though."
Alex heard something unflattering muttered about his sanity. And something about it maybe being contagious. "Have you tried therapy?"
Alex gave him a deadpan look. "I'm on a year-long waiting list but thank you."
The man made a noise like a stepped-on squirrel. Alex gently patted his hand. Maybe he'd just chosen the wrong job, you know? "Can you speed the waiting list up?"
Alex rolled his eyes. Adults were awful in that they assumed you had guardians with that kind of disposable income. "Uh, it's the NHS?"
The guard muttered under his breath. Alex decided he was going to sit on the floor. He was already filthy. The man towered above him. "Can you speak Flemish?"
Alex looked at him. It was always a bit awkward. "No? Just Spanish, French, and some German, Italian, and Japanese. But I learn fast!"
The man sighed and patted him on the head some more. Alex glared at him and he yanked his hand back. "Sorry. I'm just trying to find you an opening."
The man let out a defeated groan as a bunch of texts popped up on his phone. Alex shrugged as he turned towards him with a grim expression. He decided to cut the apology off. "It's okay. You tried."
The guard rolled his eyes. "Alright. Shoo. I have a resig- er, report to type up."
Alex was promptly taken through the darkened rooms and out of the complex and gently, but firmly, escorted off the premises. The man closed the gate and waved. Alex sighed. He needed a new plan.
Fin
Based on a prompt by Zyzyax (see story summary). This is the 289th work in the Winds of Change 2022 Alex Rider Prompt event, where a new prompt (plus a short 1-3K work) is posted every day. For more details, see the AO3 collection. We have an index of all the prompts used in this event so far and going forwards - join the discord to get access to the online index (and to take part in our events, chat about everything and anything, and meet a load of awesome people!
