[❝I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in being a functional human being, you know?❞]
Naruto has always felt the necessity to care, give, and love.
Perhaps, it's because there was no one to give him these things when he was younger. He doesn't like to think about that.
He's always been this way. Made sure Iruka, Kakashi, Tsunade, and Jiraiya were alright. Helping with everything that he could. When he made friends, the urge grew, until he became the group's unofficial "therapist friend." He was always there ready to help everyone, and people often joked that there were a hundred of him.
He'd been feeling a little blue for the past couple of days. Not that it mattered, of course, his problems were nothing compared to others.
When Sasuke felt like he wasn't good enough. Naruto was there to make his favorite food, hug and kiss him and say, "You're perfect Sasuke. You're handsome, smart, caring, cool, snarky, and an excellent boyfriend. Fuck what your father says." Sasuke would look at him and call him ridiculous but would then promptly proceed to kiss him senseless. Sasuke never would stop beaming for the next few days when Naruto was like this; always by his side, or on his lap, hugging him constantly.
When Ino felt insecure about her body, Naruto was there to tell her that she looked beautiful and that he wished he was as beautiful as her. "You're gorgeous Ino, Fuck, if I wasn't dating Sasuke I would have snatched you up in a heartbeat." Naruto would take her out shopping. He even got Sai to man up and ask her out.
When Shikamaru was feeling shut out from the world. Naruto would cloud-watch with him, listen to Shikamaru's theories, and praise him. "You're brilliant Shika, Merlin, I wish I was as intelligent as you. The world's lucky your a nice guy or you'd take it by a storm before they even knew what happened." He would make Shikamaru's favorite coffee and he and Shika would spend the night talking about strategies.
When Kiba was anguished and frustrated with another bitch of a girlfriend. Naruto was there to make him smile again and go to the candy shop with him, just to cheer him up. "You're amazing Kiba. You're funny and handsome. It's not your fault that she couldn't see how great you are. Your tattoos are great, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
When Gaara felt worthless, his mind traveled back to nights full of broken bones and hearts. Despite Gaara's many protests, Naruto was there to hug him and would lull him to sleep. Naruto would clean up his room, play Gaara's favorite movie, and both of them would stay up together, talking about their past.
So, Naruto should really pull himself together. He didn't have the right or the time to be sad. Not when there were so many people that needed his help. So many people needed a hug or a friendly word. Naruto has been alone since he was a fucking toddler. He should be able to deal with this. He should be able to smile, laugh, and act confident. A fake smile, after all, is often given with good intentions, just as a mask is sometimes worn not to hide but to protect.
He should be able to do all that.
But he can't.
It's been a long day. Naruto's exhausted. His skin feels just a little too tight and not right for his body. It itches something fierce. A battle that tears from the soft tissue inside the body and demolishes the skin on the outside. Sometimes fire may scorch the grounds and ice will shatter the surface.
Naruto can feel his world slowly shatter.
It's a devastating eruption—a silent tragedy within him. Fragments of soul-spun glass are scattered across his memory, their ragged edges searing his insides, shearing off the skin, and layers of joyous moments shared between him and everyone until all that remains are scarlet ribbons. Moments of quiet warmth cradled between strong arms or wrapped in fluffy blankets are all blotched, tinged crimson—copper-scented and bitter. His view of their past has been painted red.
Thoughts, when manipulated deftly, take you, prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, and numb your existence, until you are merely a shell of your former self.
He wanted the world to burn but at the same time, he feels ashamed for even thinking about that. He wanted to count the tiny drops of rain that were smearing the dark sky. He wanted to rip something. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He needed Sasuke.
He feels so worthless. So pathetic. So helpless, like a small child afraid of the ravenous beasts whose only satisfaction was bloodshed and heartbreak.
It's been a long day.
He can't eat (the thought makes him nauseous), he can't drink (it hurts too bad right now), and he can't shower (he's pretty sure he'll collapse). Sleeping feels like the only other option. He needs to be okay when Sasuke comes back. He needs to be normal.
He rips off his suffocating clothes. They're not small, not in a long shot. But today it feels as if they were trying to break his ribs. It was so tight and scalding and made him quiver and sweat. It made it challenging to breathe.
He puts on Sasuke's softest clothes (a loose t-shirt and a navy blue hoodie), they make him feel comfortable. He decides against wearing pajamas. He pulls out the heaviest, softest blanket they have and collapses on the bed.
He closes his eyes and waits for the curtain edges to grow light.
Except that doesn't happen.
For some reason, it's not enough. The bed is safe and warm. The room is nice and cool. But as Naruto listens to the soothing tick-tock of the clock, he can't help but feel like something's missing. The world feels like it's in hyperfocus and it's too much, too overwhelming.
Sasuke is a silent person, Naruto knows this. The man barely makes a sound when he walks on dry leaves. Naruto often jokes that Sasuke is a vampire. But today when Sasuke slips into the room it's never felt louder. Naruto watched through bleary eyes as Sasuke kneels in front of him.
"Hey," Sasuke's voice is gentle as if trying to soothe a bewildered animal. "Can I hug you?"
Naruto wants to cry at how caring Sasuke is when he is being needy and pathetic and whiny. He doesn't trust his voice so he manages a nod.
Sasuke smiles at him, moves under the covers, and cuddles Naruto close to him, all in one go. And it feels like a balm has been put on the hypersensitive ache that's been following him these past few days.
Sasuke's face was so close that their noses were touching. "Can I kiss you?"
Naruto nods again.
Sasuke tightens his hold and kisses him; a kiss that is intimate, comforting, and impossibly full of love. It makes Naruto want to cry. Then Sasuke pulls back softly and looks at him with eyes full of love and this time Naruto does cry.
"I'm sorry—" Naruto feels his voice break. "I'm so fucking sorry."
"Let it all out, baby. I'm here," Sasuke's voice is calm and comforting; a tonic for turbulent times.
And then he's blurting out all his feelings, the need to protect and cherish someone else, his feelings of worthlessness, that he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings other than bottling them up, and that yes he knows it unhealthy, but it's familiar and he knows how to deal with it and if he were to change he would feel do damn scared—
Naruto's pretty sure he's crushing Sasuke right now. But if his ribs are cracking, Sasuke makes no mention of it and just holds Naruto tighter.
He doesn't know how long it lasts, it could have been hours, minutes, or just a few seconds before the tears finally stop. He tucks his face into the crook of Sasuke's neck.
"Did you eat?" Sasuke asks, no judgment in his tone. Naruto shakes his head.
"You need to eat," his boyfriend whispers, but does not attempt to move. Naruto is grateful for that.
"Not more than I need you," Naruto whispers back. It's true. Who needs food, water, and oxygen when you have someone like Sasuke?
Sasuke kisses him again, a bit more passionate this time before pulling back softly. "You still need to eat. How about takeout? Sound good?"
Naruto simply hums in agreement.
"Do you wanna go to the couch?" It's a simple question. Sasuke will accept either answer with no fuss. Naruto considers both options:
The bed is warm, safe, and big, but it also has clothes thrown around haphazardly, making him feel guilty.
The couch is big, with a lot of cushions and it also is the perfect place to look at the photos of family, he feels like it's better.
Naruto nods and the smile Sasuke gives him is the most beautiful thing Naruto's ever seen, and he will treasure it till the end of his days.
Sasuke gets up slowly, before picking him up carefully as if he was some precious porcelain doll. Naruto wraps his legs around his waist as his arms reach up to loosely wrap around Sasuke's neck. There's no need to be worried, after all. Sasuke won't drop him.
Sasuke keeps his voice low when he's talking on the phone to order their dinner. He sits Naruto on his lap and his nimble, long fingers run softly through Naruto's hair. They sit there for a while in comfortable silence before Sasuke breaks it.
"I want you to understand this, okay?" At Naruto's nod, he continues. "You should never ever fucking feel like you don't matter. Because you do. You matter to me and everyone else. You're not worthless Naruto, you're fucking brilliant, gorgeous and so amazing that I wonder what I did to deserve someone like you. Your smile is brighter than the fucking sun itself. And your eyes are like sapphires that glow whenever you're happy. Fuck—I could go on and on about you. Your caramel skin that shines in the sunlight. Your golden curls that look like they've captured the rays of the sun itself, maybe they have. You're so worried about the mask you wear, and the smiles you have to share that you don't even care about yourself and It's just—" Sasuke breaks off for a moment.
"Because listen here Usuratonakachi, your feelings are as valid as mine and anyone else's. You shouldn't feel like you don't matter, my love, because you do and I don't care if I have to tell you every day, to get that fact inside your head."
"I love you," Naruto says because honestly, what do you say to that?
"I love you too," Sasuke's smile makes Naruto fall in love with him all over again.
It's been a long day.
But with Sasuke here Naruto thinks he could go through worse days.
He looks so small, Sasuke's mind echoed. And so precious. His boyfriend was absolutely adorable like this. In Sasuke's lap the size difference stood out; messy, golden curls bounced whenever he moved and his eyes were bluer than ever in pools of bloodshot red. His nose was flushed and occasional sniffles were heard. His oversized navy hoodie made the scene all the cuter. Not resisting, Sasuke kissed Naruto deeply and delicately, his one hand rubbing soothing circles at the protruding hipbone. Naruto sighed contentedly and Sasuke continued to press small kisses to whatever skin came across.
Naruto may not have had anyone to take care of him when he was younger.
But Sasuke would gladly take up the mantle.
[❝I believe that words are strong and can overwhelm what we fear when fear seems more awful than life is good.❞]
