Unfortunately I had to delete this story the first time around. There was a lot going on around me and I had to take a break. Now I´m back :)
There will be all kind of topics, mostly centered around Griff, if you have a prompt send me a message or write it in a review, I´ll have a go at it. That said, no slash and nothing disturbing please.
Hopefully you guys will like the first one, I´m looking forward to hear from you all :)
A quick warning this contains panic attacks and some form of PTSD, so read with caution.
He jolted himself back into awareness. Shaking he stared in the darkness wrapped in a dream of closed doors and bodies all around him.
The images were one thing, but with them came the sheer ungovernable fear. He knew where he was, he knew he was safe, but the terror that woke him up never recognized reality.
He squirmed out of the bed, one fist pressed against his mouth to mute the wail in his throat. Stumbling he made it out of the bunkhouse and into the barn. The sky helped when the walls caved in on him, but this called for something else.
He closed the gate with trembling hands, made sure it was fully locked before he turned around. Hunched over he wept. Fast insufficient intakes of air interrupted his sobbing. It took him a couple of minutes to surface long enough for a conscious thought. His arms pressed against his chest he made his way forward.
He didn´t make it. It was these two inches to far. Leaning against the stable door he tried so hard to get his breath. It wouldn´t be the first time for this to knock him out. Faces, to near, hands, all over him, laughing. He would wake up, exhausted on the barn floor. He would pick himself up and spend the day shaky and guilty in the knowledge that he should be better.
Something warm bumped into his shoulder. He wrapped himself around it reflexively.
Pressed his face in the fur. Thunder snickered, nibbling at his trousers while Griff clung to his head. The horse never seemed to mind when his owner showed up in the middle of the night to interrupt his sleep. He stayed like this, not moving a muscle, concentrated only on his next breath.
It worked, like it always did. Worked well enough for him to finally let go of the horse and fetch him some extra oats. At least Thunder would get a nice layer of fat for the next winter out of this. Griff stumbled with weariness that always came when the terror left. He staggered back to his bunk, his legs not willing to carry him all the way. He reeled precariously as he shut the bunk house door. Instead of fighting against it, he plainly sunk to his knees and crawled to his bunk. He fell back still faintly nauseous and overslept in the morning. That started his day with a dress down from Lukas and a bunch of extra chores. That was ok. He could have told him. Lukas would probably understand. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that he was so fed up with being the weakest link. Always needing something, always causing problems. So he chopped wood with lead filled hands and kept his mouth shut.
He had been on a roll. The last four nights had been basically dream free and he suspected that had a lot to do with the man sleeping at the other side of the fire. Every year Candy went to stock up and repair all the cabins on the Pondarosa. It was a job done at the beginning of fall when there was less work and they could spare a man, or two. Griff had been invited this year and he said yes before the thought properly entered his brain.
He had hoped the open air and the time with Candy would help, and at first it seemed like his hope had been justified.
Now it looked more like the nightmares rallied forces. He was on his knees and halfway to the burnt down fire before he caught up to himself. The coals glowed in front of him and he buried his hands in the dirt, willing his heart to beat slower.
Too late he heard the whimpers, realized they were his own, but he couldn´t seem to stop them.
"Griff?"
Oh hell.
Candy´s tired voice came through the darkness, a shuffle and the man followed.
Griff tried to fight his was upright, but didn´t really get there.
Candy had reached him, crouched next to him and seemed unsure what to do.
"Sorry.", Griff started, a moan interrupts him, one of his dirt covered hands shots to his mouth. "Sorry." He repeats.
"It´s ok. What can I do?" Candy´s voice stayed even and Griff´s world tumbled.
It was all too much. How could he ever explain this?
"Griff?" the kind voice again, then something he didn´t anticipate to come next. "You´re safe."
"I know." He was now wheezing with the effort to keep this controlled. He would not lose it in front of Candy. "Go back to sleep."
A cautious hand laid itself on his back:" Is that ok?"
"What?" it was grounding and disorienting at the same time. He couldn´t take that. He couldn´t let this hand stay now. If he did, what would he do if the hand would let go?
"Touch?" asked Candy simple. He left the hand there:" Breath." The hand began to stroke circles on his sweat drenched shirt.
"No."
Immediately the hand left and Griff chocked back a sob:" No."
"Ok. It´s ok. I won´t" Candy´s voice stayed calm.
"No." gasped the youth.
"I´ll just sit here. Ok?"
He felt Candy scouting closer, settling directly to his left.
"You´re not alone. And you´re safe."
"What?" he hadn´t expected that.
"You´re safe. You´re out of there."
"I know." whispered Griff, he could feel bile collecting in his mouth. He spat, unwilling to succumb to it, but he was unable to stop it. He scrambled from the fire, but wasn´t fast enough. He would soil his bedroll, and it would cost them time to get it clean. It wouldn´t dry properly and he would have to sleep in the damp and reeking fabric. Two arms hauled him away from the fire and held him while he retched.
"It´s ok." Nothing about this was ok. This would fuck up their schedule, and it would be his fault. He groaned when his stomach cramped yet again. There merely wasn´t anything left to bring up.
"You finished?" Candy asked gently. Griff nodded and the arms brought him back to his clean bedroll. Something was draped over his shoulders and tucked around his neck. Candy´s worried face only inches away. He moved to resume his seat next to Griff but was stopped by a hand that desperately clenched to his shirt.
"Don´t." If he had been only a little less miserable he would have been ashamed. But he shivered despite the coat around his shoulders and the panic clawed at his innards. A wretched pile, vaguely human.
"I´m here." Warm hands rubbed his shoulders through the cloth.
He let his head sink forward until it collided with Candy´s vest. One arm encircled him to keep him upright while the other persisted in warming him.
"It´ll be alright."
"I´m sorry." He could hear the tears in his voice. He didn´t care.
"Don´t be. Cry some. It´ll help."
So he cried. Muffled desperate sobs while Candy slowly maneuvered them nearer to the fire.
"Sorry."
"No need to be." Candy kept up a litany of reassuring words, repeating them in a way that made them sink in deep enough to reach the terror.
He woke up still wrapped in Candy´s coat and immediately wanted the earth to swallow him whole.
Humiliated in a way that made him feel naked, he gave himself some time to let the feeling burn, before he faced what would be a disappointed man at a fire.
What he saw, was a busy Candy fixing breakfast. He noticed Griff´s gaze almost immediately and answered it with an unsure smile. "Good morning. You up for coffee?"
That puzzled Griff. He had pictured their conversation more in the way of a ´What the hell boy?!´
Instead Candy scooped up the pot and two cups and made his way over to him. He sat up and scooted a little to the side to make room for the older man.
"You know, were I was brought up?" Candy asked while he lowered himself to the ground.
Griff nodded. Candy had told him about his childhood in the military bases.
"You are not the only one. Not by a long shot. " Right to the point. Like always.
"These were soldiers."
"And you have seen and lived terrible things." He put a cup in front of Griff and made sure to catch the youth eyes before he added:" There is no shame in this."
He turned to fetch himself a coffee and did so with the solemnest expression Griff had seen on him.
They both drank.
"For how long has this been going on?"
Griff stared into his cup, swirling it engrossed in the movement of the liquid. It took him some run-up, but he finally answered:" After this thing with the Germans."
Candy drew a sharp breath, but stayed silent.
"They aren´t always this bad. Sometimes I even sleep again."
"Do the others know?"
"God, I hope not."
Now was Candy´s turn to swirl his cup. "What do you do, when they get this bad?"
"Visit Thunder."
That stopped Candy´s swirling. "Does it help?"
"A lot."
"I´m glad."
And he really looked like it.
"But you know, you aren´t alone in this."
Griff shrugged:" Figured there is not much to be done about it."
"Wouldn´t say that. Helped anything I did last night? Even slightly?"
Griff stiffened.
"You don´t need to answer. It´s ok." Candy appeased immediately.
"No I … the contact."
"Contact?"
"When I could feel you."
"You didn´t seem to like it at first. Some guy´s couldn´t stand being touched. I was afraid I´d make it worse."
"No, no it was good."
"But…?"
How should he explain to Candy that it had been so much easier with him there? And now he would have to face it on his own again.
"Nothing."
"Ok."
They sat for a while.
"Would me being there help?"
"I won´t crawl through the whole house to get to you."
"Of course not." Candy thought aloud. "But there are some things that need to be done in my room. Things that can take a while. Like these rotten floorboards. I´m sure nobody would mind me sleeping in the bunk house for a while."
Griff felt like someone had punched him. Every time Candy did something like this, went so far out off his way for him he had no idea how to react. He quickly dropped his burning eyes to the ground.
Again the arm wound around his shoulders and some drops hit the ground. He rubbed his eyes, but more tears followed.
The arm squeezed him.
"Will this go away again?"
"Gradually. It´s not like a cold. But it will get better."
Griff raised his eyes far enough to stare in the fire. "But I´ll stay a burden for some time."
"You are not a burden." The arm shook him a little. "There is nothing wrong with you. This can happen to anybody."
"But it happens to me."
"I´m sorry for that. All of it."
"I´m too." A little more silence. "Did you plan this?"
That made Candy puff out air. "Not really. Didn´t know what it was. But I watched you stumble through your days and I didn´t know what to do."
"So obvious?"
"A lot of people look out for you."
"And I can´t do that for myself." It sounded bitter. A lot bitterer than Griff had it intended to sound.
"Nobody can do that for himself. That's like the whole point of society."
Griff snorted.
"Please don't make me stand by and watch. If you are ok with this… I´m not. I don´t want you to do that alone. I know it´s selfish, but –"
"Selfish?" that surprised Griff.
Candy signed. The youth had been denied boundaries for so long. "I don´t know why you kept that to yourself. If you thought it wasn´t safe to come to me-"
"It wasn´t that." Interrupted Griff. He didn´t add an explanation, so Candy carried on.
"But I though we went through this already. You hurt. You tell someone. Anyone."
Griff didn´t answer, but he leaned against Candy a little more. The older man tightened the embrace.
"Please be honest with me. Do you want me there?"
For a couple of horrible seconds Candy was sure to hear a no. For the youth to push him away and retread behind those barriers that brought him through prison.
Griff nodded.
Candy was so relieved that he kissed the youth head before he had the chance to think better of it. He held his breath for a reaction but none came. Griff stayed where he was.
"Ok." He knew the youth wouldn´t do it, it wasn't in his nature, but Candy needed to make sure it had been said:" Next time, and the time after that, and any time after that, you wake me up. You don´t have to talk if you don´t want to. Just wake me up. I´ll come with you."
To his utter bewilderment Griff answered with a soft:" Yeah."
Candy held the young man close and tried to decide if he should talk to his employee, or simply destroy the floor in his room.
