The Music of Life

Disclaimer: If you recognize it then I don't own it.

A/N: For Whumptober 2022 #15 Emotional Damage-Lies

Reggie lied.

"I'm fine."

He was always okay. Always laughing and joking. Making himself a spectacle or the butt of the jokes just to make those around him laugh. He had recently joined a band with Alex and Luke, they were still looking for a final member to round out their act. He was the bass player. He could also play a mean banjo. He loved music. He helped Luke perfect the songs the singer wrote when he got stuck or needed to hear a harmony out loud. He was always eager and willing to help. He listened to Alex vent and joked around to cheer him up when his emotions overcame him or he was just down in the dumps. Reggie sometimes felt guilty. He still lived at home. He didn't fight with his family. His parents didn't disown him for who or what he loved. He could flirt and play music and nobody harped on him about it. He was free to do whatever he wanted to. No restrictions or expectations held him down, because no one cared what he did. He liked it that way.

He didn't have to deal with the hardships his friends had, but sometimes life became too much for him too. He could deal with it.

He loved showers. The hot water turned up as high as he could stand, steamed up the whole room, turning his skin red and tingling. The falling water drowned out any noises that he could hear outside the bathroom and nobody could hear him. The liquid was also really good at hiding the tracks of his tears as they fell from his eyes and mixed with the shower water, erasing all evidence. Nothing was wrong.

His mom worked long hours. Gone even when she was present. She was married to her job, never leaving anything left over for her husband and son. She had never wanted a child. He was an accident, a mistake. She didn't want him and let him know it. She had no need for a clumsy, messy, needy child. She had no patience for his interests, ideas, or dreams. She ignored or brushed him off, leaving him alone. He was fine on his own.

His dad couldn't hold down a job for as long as Reggie could remember. This led to the married couple's main argument, money. He liked to hang out at the bar with his high school buddies, in an attempt to reclaim his lost youth. He blamed his son for it, his shattered dreams because he had to raise a son before he was ready to grow up. He never believed anything his son said, he outright ignored Reggie speaking on many occasions. He had a heart full of bitterness and often lashed out at his son, who only ever wanted to be loved. It didn't really bother him.

His house was just a tomb where three people lived. It was a dead empty shell. It should have been full of life, parties, backyard BBQs, and family movie night instead it was just where he slept trying to ignore the raised voices when he was not alone. He had tried to make his room a sanctuary against the cold. Piles of the softest blankets he could find and headphones attached to a CD player with the best music. Covered and surrounded by music and warmth he could pretend to be loved and wanted. He was handling it okay.

There wasn't much he could do about it, so why bother complaining? He didn't want to admit he knew what was going on. Words like neglect and unloved seemed too harsh to use. He couldn't explain it. To talk about it would be to make it worse than it was. His parents were just not happy in the life they lived, they weren't bad people. They just felt trapped. He could understand that. He was trapped too, but he was working to escape. He would be an adult soon. He would be a rich and famous rock star. He would have enough money to buy a home full of love and warmth. He would buy his parents each their own houses and maybe they would be happy too once they could live their own separate life away from their spouse and son. Everything would be better then.

His bandmates had enough emotional baggage to deal with, they didn't need his added to their load. He was fine.

They never ate together as a family. He always had to find his own dinner and eat alone in an empty house. His happiest moments were when he was eating pizza after a good rehearsal with Sunset Curve. Between bites, they talked about ways to improve their music and band. They laughed and joked together over thrown pizza toppings. He had never felt so seen. He was no longer a ghost haunting his own home when he was with Luke and Alex. They didn't always take him seriously, his own fault for hiding himself under humor, but they always listened to him. He was not ignored like he wasn't there. For the first time ever, he really felt alive. For the first time in his life, he felt a part of something. He felt like somebody cared if he was there or not. People noticed him for more than his class clown act and disruptive behavior. The band thing had started just as a way to whittle away at a few hours of the day. He had answered an ad looking for bass players. He would play music with a few people who would appreciate his musical skills and then go home. That was supposed to be it, a surface-level obligation, where he could pretend to be really heard for a little while. Somehow Sunset Curve had given him a spark of life and warmth he thought he would never have. He looked at Luke and Alex and was actually starting to feel like he was being seen for the first time. Sometimes late a night he worried that the band would disband or they would kick him out soon. When that did happen he would be okay and move on.

Sometimes he wished his house would turn into a pizza place. Full of warmth and laughter. People weren't sad or angry when they went out for pizza. The tables were always filled by in-love couples on dates or happy families spending time with each other. Or bandmates that had become friends ready to change the world with the power of their music. Sunset Curve had become his life, music his blood, without it he would die.

"I'm fine."

Reggie lied.