With a deafening roar, Manly Dan flew across the room and tackled the Green Man, his momentum carrying them out the still-open front door. They landed on the sidewalk, Dan on top, the Green Man pinned under him. Dan pummeled the god relentlessly, beating his face to an almost unrecognizable, bloody pulp.
Beithe was screaming at Dan to stop, but in his rage, he didn't hear her.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU KIDNAPPED BEITHE! LEFT ME TO RAISE FOUR SMALL CHILDREN BY MYSELF, WITHOUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THERE TO HELP ME! THEN YOU CAME BACK AND STOLE AWAY MY DAUGHTER, AND TRIED TO MARRY HER OFF! I'LL FUCKING GUT YOU!"
"Danny, stop!" Beithe cried. "He's not even fighting back!"
Dan let out a feral scream, as a white straight jacket materialized around him, rendering him motionless. A gag appeared in his mouth, as well. He kept screaming, but it came out muffled and unintelligible.
"Thank you, Puck," said Beithe. She rushed over to her father, who lay unconscious on the sidewalk.
"Hey, that wasn't me," said Puck, holding up his hands. "I was enjoying the show."
"I did it," said Dipper nervously glancing down at his father-in-law, who was staring daggers at him. "I have no love for the guy, but he wasn't fighting back, and… is it just me, or…he's not green anymore, is he? I remember him being green… and his hair—leaves—whatever… they're brown and crispy." He glanced up at Puck. "Care to explain?"
Puck took a deep breath, ready to spin them a yarn, but Beithe cut him off.
"Wendy, Marcus, can you help me carry …your, uh, grandfather…inside?"
Wendy stood in the doorway, tight-lipped, with her arms crossed over her chest. "I'm not touching him," she spat. "I'm surprised you're concerned about him, seeing as he kept you imprisoned in tree form for six years."
Beithe sighed, and motioned for Marcus to lift the Green Man's legs as she picked him up under his armpits.
"That was awful of him," said Beithe, as she and Marcus slowly walked the Green Man over the threshold, past Wendy, and laid him on the sofa. "I don't deny that. But he wasn't always that way… and Dipper's got a point—there's something not right with him." She glanced at Puck. "Now you can explain."
Puck looked out the door at Manly Dan, still sitting on the sidewalk in his straight jacket. "If I take that off you, do you promise to hear me out before attacking my brother again?"
Dan nodded.
Puck snapped his fingers, and the straight jacket and gag disappeared. Dan lurched to his feet, and marched inside, slamming the door behind him. His breathing was heavy, and his fists were so tight that his knuckles were white, but he kept his mouth shut, and stayed back from the sofa, where the Green Man lay, unconscious and helpless.
Puck grinned, and clapped his hands together. "Ah, good, good. Now that we're all here, and not attempting to kill each other, I can explain why I brought my brother here. As you know, I stepped in to save—what was it you called him, Dipper? Harold?" Dipper nodded, and Puck continued.
"I stepped in to save Harold just before our Dipper here, and Cernunnos, were all set to waste him. Honestly, he's a prick, and I would have been okay with you killing him—but I didn't want to get on Mom and Dad's bad side by standing by and doing nothing. He ismy brother, after all, and they have this thing about familial love being all-important. Bleck.
"Anyway, I banished him to our parents' realm, tattled on him, and waited to see what kind of punishment they'd dole out. As I said, familial love is a big deal to them, and he'd kept his own daughter trapped in her tree form for years. That's not something a loving father does."
"Too fucking right," muttered Manly Dan under his breath.
Puck grinned and continued. "So Harold's punishment is that they stripped him of all his powers, including immortality, and the only way he can get his powers back is to learn the true meaning of familial love. He offered to help me track down Arden, thinking that helping his brother would be enough of a show of familial love that our parents would grant him his powers back—but no. It was their idea to bring him here, to learn to love and be worthy of love in return."
"He's not immortal anymore," said Beithe slowly. "So you were just going to stand back and watch Dan beat him to death?"
"Oh, no, I would have stepped in before it got that far," said Puck with a shrug. "However, I would have been okay with him sustaining a bit of brain damage."
"I'm okay with giving him some brain damage," rumbled Manly Dan, as he took a step toward the couch.
"Daniel, don't you dare," said Beithe. "He's apparently our guest now, and beating someone until they're brain damaged isn't at all hospitable."
"I'm not having him under our roof, Beithe. Not after everything he's done."
"I'm with Dad," said Wendy. "He kidnapped me and tried to marry me off. I'd rather not have him sleeping on our sofa. Plus, where would Dipper sleep?"
"I mean, I don't mind sleeping in your room, Wendy," said Dipper, with a nervous glance toward Manly Dan. "On-on the floor. In a sleeping bag."
Dan frowned, and opened his mouth to reply, but his eldest son cut him off.
"Do we get a vote?" asked Marcus. He stood in front of his younger brothers, with his arms crossed, and a scowl on his face. "Nobody ever cares what we think. I mean, we're not gods or whatever, but we live here too."
"What would your vote be, then?" asked Beithe warily.
"He took you from us, mom," said Marcus, his voice breaking. "He kept you from us for six years. Kevin barely remembers you, and Gus never got to know you at all. Then he took Wendy. It destroyed Dad. The Green Man ripped our family apart. We don't want him here."
Beithe's features softened, and she swept all three of her sons up in a hug. "I'm sorry it seems like we never take your opinions into account. You're right, what my father did was terrible. I missed you all so much, and we have so much lost time to make up. If you don't want him to stay with us, he won't." She turned to face Puck. "I'm sorry, Puck, but you'll have to find someplace else for him to stay."
But Puck had vanished.
Dipper facepalmed. "I hate it when he does that."
/
Fenris woke up to the feeling of absence. His arms were empty. Mabel was gone. He sat up in a panic, his eyes sweeping the room. Not seeing her, he leapt out of bed, and ran for the door. Just as he reached out for the handle, the door flew open, knocking him backward, onto his rear end.
"Oh my gosh, Fenris, I'm so sorry!" cried Mabel, as she knelt down to give him a hand up. "I thought you'd still be asleep!"
Fenris grasped her hand and climbed to his feet. He took in her pink, freshly scrubbed cheeks, and the towel wrapped around her hair. She carried her pajamas in a bundle under her arm, and was dressed in black leggings and a purple sweater.
Fenris let go of her hand and let out a deep breath. "You were in the shower," he mumbled. It was more a statement than a question.
Mabel nodded. "Where did you think I was?"
"I don't know," answered Fenris. "I just woke up and you were gone. I was scared."
"Aw, I'm sorry I scared you, Fen," said Mabel. She tossed her pajamas unceremoniously onto her bed, and reached out to pull him in for a hug. He was still shirtless, and his skin was emanating heat. Even though he appeared outwardly calm now, she could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
"I don't want to lose you," he whispered softly.
Mabel pulled away and smiled up at him. "Don't worry, Fen. I'm not going anywhere." She glanced down at the too-small sweatpants he was wearing. "Now, how about we go see if Soos has some clothes you can wear? They'll definitely be too big, but that's what belts are for."
Fenris nodded. "I miss having fur," he said, finally calm enough to grin. "It was so much simpler."
/
No one in the Corduroy household slept the remainder of the night, except, of course, Harold, seeing as he was unconscious. The rest of the family and Dipper sat around the kitchen drinking cups of coffee or hot cocoa, discussing what to do about their unwanted houseguest.
"We should just kick him out to fend for himself in the woods," Marcus suggested. "I mean, he's a god of nature, right? Wouldn't camping be kind of his 'thing'?"
Manly Dan nodded in agreement. "That is a valid point, son,"
Beithe sighed and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. "We've been over this, guys. He's mortal now. He has no powers to protect himself with. He doesn't know anything about camping or surviving in the wild, because as a god, he didn't have to."
"Lame," muttered Wendy. "Can't we just send him over to Tad Strange's house, and let him be Puck's problem again?"
"That probably wouldn't work," said Dipper. "Puck clearly wants usto have to deal with Harold, and he's told me before that when he doesn't want to be bothered, he can cause people to forget the location of his house."
"Convenient," grunted Dan.
"Do you think Soos and Melody would let him stay at the Mystery Shack?" asked Marcus.
Beithe shook her head. "I don't want to impose on them. They already have two houseguests right now, plus Ford and Stan are spending a lot of time there when they're not on guard duty."
Dipper took a sip of his coffee, which had long since gone completely cold, and sat down the mug with a decisive thump. "How about I camp with him, in the clearing where I'm trying to build mine and Wendy's cabin? I've been human, so I know what I'm doing. Mostly. And while he's out there, he can maybe help me with some of the construction, to earn his keep, like."
Manly Dan grinned for the first time since the family's rude awakening hours earlier. "Now thatplan isn't half bad. It gets rid of the Green Man, and I don't have to constantly worry about these two making me a grandfather." He nodded toward Dipper and Wendy, who were leaning against the counter, holding hands, with their fingers intertwined.
"I am not so much a fan of this idea," muttered Wendy.
"I mean, it's not ideal. The guy's a creep. But if he's stuck here as a mortal, this will at least keep him out of your house. Plus, I'll get to practice my mischief on someone I actually don't like, for a change." Dipper said, grinning and waggling his eyebrows. "Come on, Wen, it's not like you'll never see me." He elbowed her gently. "I'll just be sleeping a bitfurther away than your living room sofa."
"It does seem like the best option anyone's proposed so far," said Beithe.
"Alright then," said Dipper, with a nod. "Beithe and Wendy, do you two think you'll be okay without me at the Gravnemeta for a while this morning? I want to blip 'Grandpa' Harold over to the clearing and get a campsite set up."
"Yeah, just come by whenever you've got him all settled," said Beithe.
"Can do," said Dipper. He gave Wendy a swift kiss on the lips. "I'll see you soon."
He trotted into the living room, grabbed the unconscious Green Man by the wrist, and with a soft pop, they both disappeared.
/
Mabel stood in a patch of sunlight, her eyes closed, and her head tilted up to soak the warmth into her flushed cheeks. Fenris sat on a nearby boulder, in extremely baggy jeans and an oversized hoodie, his eyes fixed on her relaxed smile. The corners of his mouth twitched upward. He loved seeing her happy.
"It's such a nice day," Mabel sighed. "It almost feels like spring. I could just take a nap right here, in the middle of the woods."
"Are you tired?" asked Fenris. "I could blip us the rest of the way over to Tad Strange's house…"
Mabel lowered her head, and put her hands on her hips, meeting Fenris's eyes. "Fen, you know better than anyone that I'm not some delicate little flower. I'm okay to walk, really."
"But your injury—"
"Is almost completely healed," Mabel interrupted. "That's why we're going to see Sirona. I want her to give me the okay to go back to guarding the Gravnemeta, so that when I show up in my armor, Dipper doesn't freak out and tell me I'm not healed enough yet."
Fenris nodded and stood up. "Your brother hasbeen much more protective of you since you were injured."
They began walking again, Mabel setting the pace, with Fenris slightly behind her.
"Yeah, no kidding," said Mabel. She giggled. "I'm sure seeing you in my bed also has something to do with his recent brotherly protectiveness."
"He asked me if I was planning on having sex with you," said Fenris, as casually as if he was mentioning the weather.
Mabel stopped abruptly, and Fenris walked into her, nearly sending her crashing to the ground. He grabbed her waist, to keep her from tumbling forward. She stumbled, but didn't fall.
Still facing away from Fenris, she said "He asked you what?"
Fenris let go of her waist. "I told him I may try to hump your leg, but that's about it."
Mabel spun around. Her eyes were wide, her mouth hanging slightly open. Fenris kept a straight face for a second or two before bursting into laughter.
Mabel cracked a smile. "You made a joke! I didn't know you made jokes!"
Fenris grinned. "You should hear my witty banter."
"You banter, too?! Go ahead, wow me with your wit," said Mabel. She linked her arm through his, and began walking again.
"Well now that you've put me on the spot, all I can think is 'uh, durr,'" he said, lazily scratching the back of his head with his free hand.
"Okay, I guess the banter will have to come naturally," sighed Mabel. "But seriously, I'm loving this whole 'sense of humor' thing. Not that I didn't like your human personality up 'til now, cause you're awesome. But you've been so worried and serious. I think that was actually the first time I've heard you laugh."
"Well, becoming human was weird," said Fenris with a shrug. "Everything was off kilter until I saw you again, and knew you were safe. I was really worried about you. I still am, honestly. But the more I'm around you, the more I feel like myself again. Being able to talk to you really helps."
"Oh man, I am sogood at talking," said Mabel. "You'll probably get sick of how much I'm gonna talk to you. I love that you can answer me now. You used to just lick me."
"Aw, am I not allowed to do that anymore?" Fenris pouted sarcastically. "Lame."
"Well, you'll at least need to buy me dinner first, mister," said Mabel, wagging a finger at him.
Fenris blushed. "I—wh—" he stammered.
Mabel laughed. "That was mejoking, Fen."
"Ah," said Fenris. He arched a single eyebrow. "Does it have to be?"
Mabel grinned and bit her lower lip, as she shook her head wordlessly. Human Fenris was full of surprises.
/
"Harold." Smack. "Hey asshole, wake up."
Dipper was bent over the prone form of the mortal Green Man, prodding him in the ribs, and slapping him, trying to rouse the injured former god.
"For the love of—" muttered Dipper. Remembering Puck's three a.m. wakeup call, he conjured an air horn. He held it out and prepared to press the button, when a familiar voice interrupted him.
"Dipper, what exactly are you doing to that elderly man?"
Dipper spun around. "Grunkle Stan? What are you doing out here?"
Stanley walked into the clearing and stood in front of Dipper.
"Beithe and Wendy told me you'd be here. They said Wendy's grandpa was here—the jerk that kidnapped her. I wanted to look upon the face of evil… and then punch it. Is that him?" Stan asked, craning his neck to see around his great nephew.
Dipper nodded.
"Is he asleep?" asked Stan.
"Unconscious. Manly Dan got to the face of evil before you."
"Did you think you were going to somehow wake him up with that?"
"Well, yeah," said Dipper. "An air horn may be overkill, but—"
"Dipper, that's a can of spray cheese."
Dipper looked down at the metallic canister in his hand. "Oh. It is, isn't it? Weird." He tossed the can of spray cheese flippantly over his shoulder, and it hit the former god directly on the nose.
"OW! What?!" cried Harold, sitting up.
"What do you know," said Stan with a grin. "It ispossible to wake an unconscious person with a can of pasteurized cheese-like food product."
Dipper swiveled to face his foe-turned-grandfather-in-law. "Mornin' sunshine."
Harold stood and looked around, frowning. "Where am I? Where is my family?" His gaze fell on Stan. "And who is that?"
Stan waved. "Hi, I'm Stanley Pines, a friend of the Corduroy family, and Wendy's unofficial grandfather figure. I came here to punch you."
Harold took a hesitant step backward. "Is he serious?" he asked Dipper.
Dipper grinned. "Oh yeah. Don't worry, I'm not going to let him punch you right now, since you just woke up, and your face already looks like ground beef. In answer to where your family is? Away from you. Sorry, Harold. You got voted off the island."
Harold blinked. "What island? There's an island?"
Dipper rolled his eyes. "Moving along. This lovely clearing is your home for the time being. We'll be camping here, since your entire family hates you. For your transgressions, you've been sentenced to hard labor, helping me build the cabin that will be mine and Wendy's future home."
"They allhate me?" asked Harold, looking crestfallen. "Even Beithe?"
"Dude. You stole her away from her husband and children, and kept her trapped as a tree for six years. It's safe to assume she's not fond of you," said Dipper.
"Well, this has been fun," said Stan. "But if I can't punch him right now, I think I'll go over to the Mystery Shack and watch some re-runs of Ducktective. Oh, wait." Stan grabbed a scrap of paper and a pen from his pocket, and scribbled a quick note, then handed it to Harold. "Here."
"I.O.U. one face punch," read Harold slowly. He looked up at Stan, who grinned and made finger guns at him, before turning and walking from the clearing.
"I don't remember mortals being quite this strange when I last visited the Mundane Realm for any length of time," remarked Harold. "Granted, that was at least five of your centuries ago."
"Well, Grandpa Harold, you have a lot to catch up on then, don't you?" said Dipper, slapping Harold on the back. "If you behave yourself and try not to go kidnapping anyone, I may introduce you to the mind-numbing delight that is television. For now, let's stick to the basics. Lesson one—how to pitch a tent."
/
Beithe and Wendy were sparring with their magic at the Gravnemeta, grappling with thorn-covered vines, when they heard it.
"Nas…" a voice whispered through the trees. "Nasu…"
Beithe's vines that had been wrapped around Wendy's torso receded. "Um, you heard that too, right?" she asked her daughter.
Wendy nodded, her face paper white. "Is that what I think it is?" she asked quietly, pointing to a barely discernible ripple of light in the air near the giant oak. The ripple split, and a foul black smoke poured out, quickly rendering the air painful to breathe.
"Wendy, blip and get Dipper, now. Fenris, too," Beithe choked out. "And Puck if you can find him… anyone. Get anyone. This is bad!"
Wendy opened her mouth to say she didn't want to leave her mother alone at the Gravnemeta, but all that came out was a gasping cough. Beithe reached out and squeezed her daughter's hand. Wendy was trembling, but she nodded. As the acrid black smog swirled around her, she closed her eyes, concentrated on Dipper, and vanished.
