"Oh my God! DAVE!" Lisa screamed, running towards the icy pond at full speed. She could see him, flailing weakly in what was sure to be freezing water. "Hang on, we're coming!" She yelled, her heart pounding fast and hard in her chest. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God…
"Hang on to what?!"
At least he still has his sense of humor, she thought ruefully, finally reaching the pond after what seemed like an eternity. Everyone else followed close behind, yelling and shouting – and, in Matthew's case, hyperventilating – but she didn't pay them any heed. Her mind was firmly focused on Dave.
She knelt on the edge of the frozen pool and reached for Dave, who quickly grabbed a hold. She silently thanked God for Dave's Wisconsin upbringing – otherwise, he would have probably frozen to death instantly. Then she absently noticed arms wrap around her waist and heard Mr. James bellow, "Pull!" Then she found herself hauled back forcefully, allowing a shivering, almost blue Dave to climb out.
"I-I t-think I-I r-remembered t-that r-repressed W-Wisconsin w-winter," he chattered as he instantly curled up into a quivering ball in Lisa's arms.
"No kidding," Lisa laughed weakly as she started rubbing his back and arms, letting out a shuddering sigh of relief. "God, I hope there are some blankets inside. Maybe we can get the fireplace going…"
"Fireplace? There's no fireplace in the house," Joe said, panting heavily.
"What?"
"Yeah, there's no fireplace," Beth said, rubbing her arms to keep herself warm. "We've looked all over the house, and believe me, there's no fireplace."
"That's insane," Lisa commented. "If there's no fireplace, then why the hell is there a chimney stack?"
"Wait, what?" Matthew's face scrunched up in confusion.
Lisa pointed towards the roof, where a lone pillar of brick and mortar towered above the roof and gables. For a second, everyone was quiet, pondering the possibilities – save for Dave, whose teeth chattered loudly, and Lisa, who helped strip him of his wet clothes. Then everyone else started scrambling back towards the house, shoving each other into the snow. Even Roger was no caught up in the hunt, cackling evilly as he leapt inside the front door.
Dave and Lisa stared after them in total disbelief. He numbly accepted her coat – he didn't even mind it was a woman's coat, he was that cold – and shook his head as they slowly followed, Lisa wrapping her arms around his slim form. "U-unbelievable!" Dave muttered. "O-oh, l-look, right on c-cue…" He added as Johnny appeared on the covered porch, carrying a stack of woolen blankets in his arms.
"Found these in the house, figured you'd need 'em, Dave," Johnny said, handing the blankets to the both of them. Dave instantly wrapped himself into a cocoon, shuffling into the house, muttering something between his chattering.
"What was that?" Lisa asked.
"T-thanks…Johnny…" Dave stopped in the foyer, aghast at the sheer destruction that had taken place so quickly.
"By the way, why is everyone tearing the house apart?" Johnny asked, frowning as a cackling Beth streaked past them, wielding a crowbar like a battle axe as she attacked a nearby wall.
"Oh, our late friend Bill set us up on a stupid treasure hunt and now everyone's looking for a missing chimney that the gold might be hidden in," Lisa explained calmly.
"Oh. Fun," Johnny nodded approvingly. "Hey, Dave, I stole some clothes out of a Goodwill bin on my way up here, think they'd fit you. I'll be right back."
"Thanks again, Johnny," Lisa said, giving him a grateful smile as the large man made his way upstairs. She looked back to Dave only to find him frowning in anger rather than annoyance. "Dave, calm down. Your heart's going to give out if you get insanely jealous while developing hypothermia," she smiled sweetly, kissing him on the cheek.
"I still think I should call the cops," Dave stubbornly reiterated.
"I know. I'll talk to him about it, I promise."
"Oh? Before or after you go on the lam with him?"
"Dave," Lisa continued to smile as she wrapped her arms around him in a tight bear hug. Suddenly, Joe appeared at the top of the stairs, brandishing two hammers as he hurtled down the stairs, speeding into the dining room ferociously.
"What?" Dave looked at her as if she had just escaped from the looney bin. "What's with you? Shouldn't you be upstairs making plans with Johnny to flee to Mexico?"
"Dave!"
"What?"
"Yes!"
"Yes what? Yes, you should be upstairs making plans to flee to Mexico?"
"Yes, I'll marry you, you jerk!" Lisa beamed as she kissed him, long and passionately.
"B-but-!" Dave sputtered. "The ring!"
"I don't need a fancy ring to know that you love me enough to marry me, Dave," she whispered. "Although it really helps knowing you paid for it."
"Speaking of which, we really need to go looking for it, you know, because I paid for it and all that," Dave pointed out.
"Really? You want to go looking for an expensive engagement ring in a cold, damp basement in your underwear?"
"I spent 8,000 dollars on that ring, so, yes," Dave cringed, nodding his head slowly. "Yes, I would like to go into the cold, damp basement, in my underwear, to look through the junk for the very expensive engagement ring I bought for you."
Lisa pecked him on the cheek, giving him a smirk. "Okay, fine. But I have to insist on you being clothed while we do so, okay? You are not freezing to death on me before we're married, Dave."
"Married?" Johnny reappeared at the bottom of the stairs as if by magic, holding a stack of clothes. "You two are getting married?"
"Johnny," Lisa winced uncomfortably.
"Ah. Johnny," Dave backed away instinctively. "Look, Johnny, if you're going to, well, pummel me into mincemeat, can I at least be dressed? You know, go out with a little bit of dignity?"
"Dave, don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you," Johnny said, handing him the clothes. "I must confess to being personally disappointed to say the least about this development, however, that doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you both." He then proceeded to draw both Dave and Lisa into a big bear of a hug, nearly crushing Dave's ribcage and forcing all the air out of Lisa's lungs before releasing them just as quickly.
"Uh-huh…" Dave frowned, not buying a word of it.
"Well, thank you, Johnny, that's very considerate of you," Lisa said as Dave hurried into the currently empty living room and quickly put on the old Brooklyn Dodgers jersey and ratty sweatpants before jumping back into the foyer.
"Oh, I did find this in the basement, if that helps," Johnny said, holding up the ring box in one hand. Dave breathed a sigh of relief as he plucked it up and opened it, checking to see if the ring was still there – it was.
"Oh, thank God!" Dave muttered.
"Thank you again, Johnny," Lisa said, elbowing Dave in the gut.
"Ah, yes, yes, thank you, Johnny," Dave added hastily, taking the hint.
"And don't worry, Dave, I have every intention of turning myself in," Johnny said just as a large crashing noise was heard from the library, amidst all the shouts and yells of the others.
"Oh, good God, what have they done?" Dave moaned aloud as he marched down the hall right into the library, shaking his head as he dreaded what he would find, followed by Lisa and a curious Johnny. Dave stopped abruptly in the open doorway, his face completely ashen, grimacing. "Ah…"
The library was completely wrecked, from the ceiling to the floor. Bookshelves lay shattered on the floor, books ripped apart, their pages floating lifelessly in the air, boards were ripped from the walls, revealing the mansion's ancient copper piping. The WNYX gang, and Roger, were all covered in a patina of white dust, their clothes and costumes torn, all of them with manic expressions on their faces, even Catherine, who was in the midst of tearing into a newly created, very jagged hole in the wall.
Lisa and Johnny came up behind Dave and gaped in both amazement and horror at the carnage before them. "What in the hell?" Lisa gasped.
"Wow," Johnny laughed. "Nice work, guys."
"Okay, where the hell is Matthew?!" Dave looked around worriedly. "And where did Mr. James go?"
"I'm right here, Dave," Mr. James said as he snuck in from behind Lisa and Johnny, now comfortably attired in a bright orange winter coat, long pants and boots, sipping from a snifter of brandy he'd found in the next room. "Matthew, you in here?" He called out.
Suddenly a tentacle burst out from within a rather large pile of debris. "Over here!" The familiar, nasal voice called out.
"Oh, Lord," Dave muttered, shaking his head wearily. "Wherever Bill is, I hope he's proud of himself. One year dead and he's still driving us all up the wall. Or, in this case, into the wall."
"It could be worse," Lisa offered, stepping over a broken armchair.
"Oh, how? How could it be any worse?" Dave groaned.
"I could've said no," Lisa replied with a cheeky smile.
"Said no to what?" Beth asked, plucking splinters out of her hair.
Before Dave or Lisa could even come up with a probable lie to cover them until what they would deem to be the appropriate time, Johnny interceded, "Oh, Dave and Lisa are getting married."
"WHAT?!" Everyone else – well, everyone but Mr. James, who broke into a wide, beaming grin – chorused in shock, staring in utmost disbelief at a sheepish Dave and Lisa. Even Joe stopped what he was doing, dropping both of his hammers and crossing his arms. A befuddled Max looked back and forth between the two, his mouth wide open.
"Wait…You two are dating?" Max asked, his tone incredulous.
"Max!" Lisa cried as Dave stared back at Max with his own death glare.
"It has been very obvious that we are dating, Max," Dave said, gritting his teeth. "How have you not noticed?"
"Well, it's a funny story…"
"Ah-ha!" Matthew's head suddenly burst out from the pile of rubble he was buried beneath, then followed by his hands, each of which held a brick. "I think we found the chimney, guys!"
"Matthew, didn't you hear?" Catherine sniped. "Dave and Lisa are engaged!"
'They're what?!" Matthew exclaimed, jumping up to his feet in a shower of dust and rubble. "Really?!"
In an instant, Dave and Lisa were wrapped up into another bear of a hug, this time by the slender Matthew, who squealed in delight, all the while dropping the bricks he'd found right on Dave's bare feet, causing him to howl in pain.
"Ooh, sorry, Dave," Matthew cringed awkwardly.
Dave fell back on his behind, growling in both pain and anger as he massaged his feet. "What the hell are those bricks made out of, concrete?"
"Yeah," Lisa said, picking up one of the bricks and examining it closer. "These are kind of heavier than usual bricks…"
Everyone made their way over and picked up a brick, weighing them in their hands. Joe scratched at his, his only visible eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Uh, guys? These aren't bricks… At least, not really…" He smashed the brick against a nearby wall, and one end of the thing cracked open, shiny gold coins spilled out onto the ground next to a frowning Dave.
Dave noticed it instantly, the insatiable greed that had entered all of his friends' eyes – he figured out what was about to happen, opened his mouth to speak and hopefully try to defuse everything before things really went to hell. "Okay… Now, hold on-"
Suddenly, Dave found himself swarmed over in a raging stampede as everyone scrambled to grab as many of the 'bricks' as they could – he stumbled back to his feet, assisted by Lisa, and they watched alongside Mr. James and a slightly amused Johnny as the others continued to rip the walls of the library apart with their bare hands.
"Well," Dave huffed, wrapping an arm around Lisa's waist, bouncing one of the bricks in the other hand, "at least this party wasn't a complete disaster…"
Mr. James, looking out of the nearest window to see red and blue blinking lights in the far off distance, shook his head. "Not yet. Here come the cops."
"And that's my cue," Johnny interrupted, starting towards the front door. "Nice to see everyone again! Jimmy, always a pleasure… Lisa…" The taller man paused and bent down to kiss Lisa on the cheek, much to Dave's chagrin, before clapping the smaller Dave on the shoulder, visibly jostling him.
"Dave, you take damn good care of this angel, all right?" Johnny winked as he walked away. "Don't want to have to break out again just to break your bones, am I right?"
"Right, ha ha," Dave laughed awkwardly, wincing at the fresh new ache in his shoulder as the others streamed by, carrying as much of the fake bricks in their arms as they could. Even Roger, who had removed his jacket to use it as a makeshift bag to carry a whole ton of bricks.
"Good God, Roger, don't I pay you enough?" Mr. James exclaimed in shock at his lawyer. "I mean, you're a lawyer, I know you're a greedy thing, naturally, but don't you think it's a little bit extreme?"
"With all due respect, sir, how often does one get to go on an actual treasure hunt? For actual gold?" Roger grinned manically. "Hello, third vacation home in Aspen!"
"Hello, actual house! Woo-hoo!" Beth squealed.
"Hello, manor house in the English countryside," Catherine cackled.
Dave turned to Lisa, a mournful look on his face. "Treasure found, party over, ex-husband going back to prison… Can we go home now?"
"Not yet." Lisa grinned mischievously. Her smile only grew wider as Dave gazed at her questioningly.
"What now?" Dave's shoulders sagged in defeat.
"You haven't kissed your fiancée yet," Lisa smirked as she nuzzled close to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Oh, that's right…" Dave beamed. "My fiancée. I love the sound of that…"
"Me too…"
The End
