AN: Updated 10/2022.


Barricade was seriously beginning to regret ever allowing himself to sink low enough to join the Autobot cause. And those fragging Autobots weren't doing anything about it! They even had the gall to laugh at him when it happened, and he knew a few were even encouraging the annoying organics.

All four of the organics that Barricade came in frequent contact with on base had licked him. Epps had started it the day after Miles' hijacked the base's intercom system, and then Fig and Sam and then finally Will had joined in. It seemed to be a game to the organic, but it was seriously beginning to piss Barricade off. Any time he passed a set of them and there were at least two he was sure to be licked. Even worse, organics often traveled together, so he could be licked more than once while the others laughed.

One last lick to break his already fragile patience, and Barricade stormed into Optimus Prime's designated office. Optimus didn't even look up, apparently unbothered by the raging former Decepticon that slammed his way in to see him. The glitch.

"Are you really going to let them do this to me?!" Barricade demanded.

"They're just having a bit of fun," Optimus said dismissively. "Better this than they remain terrified of you. They have to make you seem normal, like us."

"So that's a no, then?" Barricade glared at him, "You're really just going to sit there and let them lick me!"

"It doesn't hurt you, or them." Optimus finally looked up at him. Even with his facemask, Barricade was certain the Prime was smirking. "You know better than to do anything that could harm them, anyway. Which, I assume, is why you haven't done anything besides stand there and take it yet."

That was really how Optimus wanted to handle things? Barricade could play that game, too.

Barricade growled, "Would you allow them to do this to one of your Autobots?"

"Only myself and Ratchet have been spared. Bumblebee was the first to be licked, and Epps got Ironhide a week ago when he was overly intoxicated."

"And does your Ironhide know that it's your fault he blew a few circuits over that song? What was it called again?" Barricade pretended to think about it, "Ah, yes, the Song that Never Ends."

"I assure you that I do not know what you mean," Optimus' optics glinted in amusement.

"You asked Samuel to download something for you, something that any of the organics on base could have gotten you. His organic friend conveniently borrowed and hacked his laptop just before he was set to come here," Barricade raised an optic ridge, smirking. "And you weren't as shocked as the medic when Miles revealed Samuel's and Bumblebee's relationship.

"Do you have any proof of these accusations?" Optimus raised an optic ridge.

Barricade didn't have to say no, the Prime already knew that.

"No proof, then?" Optimus made a disappointed noise, "Besides, how could I be in touch with Samuel's friend without anyone knowing? If you're going to try to blackmail me at least make sure you can, Barricade. I'm almost disappointed."


After Miles let the others know that he knew their little secret, it was only natural that he would be brought to the base to officially meet everyone. He still had plenty of questions, and he had to answer Will's questions in return, since the Captain had been stuck with the paperwork to try and explain why another civilian suddenly knew about the Autobots.

Sam and Bumblebee were thrilled. Bumblebee had never actually gotten to talk to Miles face to face despite being around him so much, so he grasped the opportunity to do so while he and Sam showed Miles around the base and introduced him to everyone. Epps and Fig quickly joined their little group.

When they came across Barricade, Miles walked up to the mech and tilted his head back so he could smile up at him apologetically.

"You're the one I licked, right? Sorry about that," Miles apologized.

"Oh, don't worry about that!" Epps wrapped an arm around Miles' shoulders, "Barricade loves to be licked."

"Uh… what?" Miles obviously didn't buy that.

Barricade glared down at Epps, but with his attention on one organic it just gave another an opening. Fig took advantage of the opening and darted forward to lick the back of Barricade's leg while Epps snickered.

"Frag the cleanup and any complaints the Autobots have, the next organic who licks me is going to get squashed!" Barricade snapped.

Unfortunately for Barricade, the threat had no effect whatsoever. Only Miles appeared to believe him at all, while Sam, Epps, and Fig burst out laughing. Barricade snarled and took a few steps back before shifting into his alt mode so he could race away from the group. Bumblebee was torn between laughing along or pitying his fellow Cybertronian. He was just glad that the organics weren't doing it to him.


An hour after Barricade fled, Miles slipped away from the others and went to the building that Bumblebee had said housed the recharge hangars. Barricade's room was easy to frown because it was the only one actually occupied at this time of the day, and Miles slipped in underneath the raised door.

He didn't bother to look around even though he was curious about how an alien might decorate their room; instead he sidled right on up to Barricade. Barricade watched him with narrowed optics, and Miles figured he had the right to be paranoid.

"You want to get them to stop licking you?" Miles asked.

Barricade scoffed, "Of course!"

"Can you make a human looking thing like Bee?"

"A holoform," Barricade corrected him. "And yes, I can. What does that matter?"

"It means you can lick back," Miles smirked. "If you grab someone and lick them in front of the others then I guarantee that'll stop them."

"...And who do you suggest I lick?"

"Sam," Miles said immediately. "He's the one who told me to lick you, after all!"

Barricade looked like he was considering it, and Miles knew his work was done. The poor mech didn't know he was just being used, but Miles loved to mess with Sam in any way he could, and he still needed to get his friend back for never telling Miles he was riding around in a sentient car.


Barricade pulled up to a spot on the open tarmac next to where Bumblebee was currently being washed. Bumblebee had shifted into his alt mode to make it easier on the four organics washing him; Epps was busy cleaning his hood, Will was spraying down his trunk, and Sam and Fig each were tackling one of Bumblebee's sides. Miles slid out of Barricade and waited to enjoy the show.

Epps smirked at Barricade, "Back for more already?"

Barricade ignored him. Perhaps if he had been a little closer he would have gone for him instead of Sam, but the hood was further away and he didn't want whatever organic he went for to get the idea to run. He brought out his holoform and walked over to Sam, the young organic responsible for killing Megatron. And then he grabbed Sam by his shoulders, pulled him close, and licked from the bottom of one cheek up to his forehead.

Sam yelped and jerked away almost instantly, looking absolutely horrified as he rubbed at the side of his face. Miles openly laughed while the three soldiers all went a little wide eyed and Bumblebee brought out his own holoform, using it to pull Sam close even as he looked at Barricade in obvious amusement.

"And just what did Sam do to deserve that?" Bumblebee tried to sound upset, but he failed completely.

"He started it, so it'll end with him." Barricade shrugged, "Now he won't tell anyone to lick me anymore or lick me himself, because he knows I'll lick back."

Bumblebee glanced past Barricade's shoulder to Miles, "Didn't Miles tell you? He was the one to start it all, back when it snowed. He dared Sam to lick me so he got his tongue stuck on me, and it was what made Sam dare him to lick you later on."

Miles' shit eating grin quickly disappeared when Barricade whirled around to face him. He tried to put on an innocent face, but Barricade already knew he had been played so it was too late. Barricade was almost impressed, though he'd never say it. Miles had managed to make it seem like he was helping Barricade get revenge, when really he was just messing with everyone, but especially Sam, a little more.

There was really only one way to lick a person in holoform and have it be a surprise. Miles had ensured it was Sam who got that lovely experience, but Barricade did have a trump card.

"Did no one tell you?" Barricade dissolved his holoform and shifted into his bipedal mode, baring his sharp teeth. "We have tongues in our bipedal modes, too. We refer to them as glossa, but they're the same thing, really."

Miles' eyes widened as Barricade made a show of sticking out his glossa and running it along his teeth. The knowledge that he could still be licked would teach the little glitch to try and use Barricade as one of his pawns. But Miles recovered too quickly, a smirk coming to his face, and Barricade realized he wouldn't be so easy to mess with.

"The only way you're going to lick me with that is if we're in private quarters," Miles practically purred. "And I get to decide where."

Barricade shuttered his optics, taken aback. The little glitch was flirting with him. He had no idea what to use as a retort, and Miles was obviously counting on that. From his right, Sam made a high-pitched noise, and he looked even more horrified than when Barricade had licked him. Not only had Miles managed to throw Barricade off, but he had also possibly scarred Sam for life.

"No, no, no!" Sam cried, "Bee, you can't let Barricade anywhere near Miles!"

"But Sam, you enjoy it whenever Bee licks you!" Miles put on an innocent tone, winking at Barricade before he turned to Sam. "Maybe I just want to enjoy being licked."

Sam made an odd squawking noise and Bumblebee, Epps, and Fig started to laugh. Barricade wondered when he'd lost control of the situation, but then he realized that Miles had been the one in control all along. He'd have to find a way to get the little slagger back, he just needed to find something that couldn't be made into such an easy innuendo.

If nothing else, his stay with the Autobots was already proving to be interesting. And maybe now he'd stop being licked.