Trigger Warning - Mentions of domestic abuse

Prompt #100: Amanda and Sonny take the girls to a pumpkin patch, apple picking and a hayride


More the Season of the Soul

~oOo~

"Notice that autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature."

[Friedrich Nietzsche]

~oOo~

Georgia

October 5, 1991

"Mandy! Look what they got! I've never seen a pumpkin so big."

Amanda Rollins looked to where her excited little sister was dancing about, squealing with delight. Amanda gave her a small smile and a nod, but she looked again to where her mom and dad stood. She couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but she knew what was happening. She could see it in her mother's hands flying about and her father's red face; their argument was intensifying.

Daddy had come home that morning after being gone a few weeks. He'd walked right into the kitchen and announced that he was taking them all to a pumpkin patch that a friend of his had told him about and "wouldn't that be a lot of fun?" Kim had jumped right up and dashed off to find her shoes. Amanda had eyed her daddy, waiting for Momma's reaction.

"Are you kidding me?" Momma had huffed. "You waltz in here all high and mighty, tellin' those girls we're going to a pumpkin patch when I haven't had enough money to buy milk since last week?"

Daddy had laughed. "Don't be so dramatic. I got paid for some work I did. It'll be fine."

Momma had rolled her eyes. "Work? Yeah, right."

She'd turned away from him, and Daddy reached up and grabbed her hair. "Yeah, that's right," he'd growled. "Now, I didn't come home to get fussed at. So how about instead of naggin' and picking at me, you go get dressed, and, if you're good, then maybe we'll swing by the grocery store on the way home?"

Momma's lips pinched together, her eyes scrunched tight, and Amanda waited for her to start screaming at Daddy. She didn't, however, instead she just nodded, saying nothing when Daddy had released his grip on her hair, just walking silently out of the kitchen.

Daddy had looked to where Amanda sat unmoving at the kitchen table and winked at her.

They'd piled into the pickup, Kim and Amanda sat between their parents on the bench seat, the windows down as the last bit of the summer heat warmed the cab of the truck. The mornings and evenings were cool, but the afternoons could still get up to the low 80s thanks to the Georgia humidity. Kim had talked the whole way out to the farm, telling Daddy about every little thing until Daddy had snapped for her to give it a rest.

Momma had just smoked her cigarette and looked out the window.

Amanda had a heavy sense of dread lodged in her stomach, and the tension between her parents dug into her skin like rope.

Now they were here at this beautiful farm that promised a hayride, a giant tire swing, and fun for the whole family.

Amanda saw none of it.

She couldn't get past the heavy feeling in her bones, the fear that Momma was gonna start yelling, that Daddy was going to get angry, that they were surrounded by strangers that might not understand and might call the police.

"Mandy!"

She looked again at Kim. "What?"

"Come pick a pumpkin. Daddy said we could pick whatever pumpkin we wanted," Kim called, waving her over.

"Kim, just hold on a minute," Amanda scolded. "Just…don't run off. Wait for me."

Amanda could see her parents growing more agitated, their motions growing more emphatic and voices raising. People were beginning to look; Parents turning their children away from the fighting couple. Amanda could feel a flush of embarrassment creep up the skin of her neck. She didn't know what to do.

She ran up to her parents, grabbing Daddy's hand and tried to tug him along. He yanked free.

"Quit that," he barked. "Go on and pick out a damn pumpkin with your sister."

She tried again, but Daddy swatted at her. "I said get on."

"Come on, Daddy," she said. "Let's go pick one out together."

"Oh for crying out loud, Amanda, go on," her momma insisted. "Get out from underfoot, and just do what you're told. Go find your sister."

Amanda knew what would happen if she disobeyed, and she weighed the pain of getting a whooping against her fear of Daddy getting arrested. She had just about decided to take the whooping when she turned to check on Kim.

There was no sign of her among the throng of children.

Kim Rollins was gone.

~oOo~

New York

October 2, 2022

"Mommy! Look!"

Amanda Rollins looked to where her excited little daughter was dancing about, squealing with delight. Amanda gave her a small smile and a nod. She watched as Jesse waved at her, urging her over to the large hay bales that had been stacked and covered with pumpkins of all shapes, sizes, and colors. A large sign bearing the name of the farm and their social media hashtag invited families to sit and pose for the perfect autumnal photo.

Billie pulled free from her mother's grip and dashed over to where her sister was climbing up the hay bales, bits of straw already sticking to her jacket and jeans.

It was a beautiful, chilly Sunday. The sun was shining, warming the skin if you stood still long enough. The air smelled of dry corn husks and apple cider. The leaves on the trees were a pallet of yellows, oranges, and reds. The day was picturesque.

And Amanda felt sick.

A warm hand slipped into hers, and she looked up into the smiling face of her partner. Sonny Carisi's cheeks were flushed from the cool air, his eyes crinkled with utter relish. He'd been talking about bringing them to this pumpkin patch on Staten Island for weeks—practically since Jesse started back to school.

He loved fall and Halloween—the memories he had of trick or treating in his neighborhood with friends and family, carving pumpkins, elaborate Halloween decorations lining the streets, the backyard fire pits for roasting marshmallows—it meant something to him.

He wanted to share that with his girls.

Amanda forced her lips into a large smile.

"This place is great," she enthused. "Look at how excited they are."

"Right?!" Sonny answered, the pleasure unmistakable, infectious even. "Ever since I got to come here with my sister and her kids, I couldn't wait to bring Jesse and Billie. They are going to love it. They got a corn maze, pumpkin painting, the best apple cider donuts, and they even show you how to make soap."

She felt her smile grow more genuine, unable to resist the love he has for her girls and his own delight in the day's activities.

"Lead the way," she said, allowing him to pull her to where the girls were perched, ready for the photo shoot they knew was coming. Amanda and Sonny took several of the girls, then a few selfies as a family, and a passing woman even stopped to ask if they wanted her to take a family photo.

All smiles.

Amanda knew how to smile because Amanda knew how to lie. She hoped she could look at the photos later without seeing what she was hiding. She forced a few deep breaths, and wished the musky smell of dirt wasn't the same everywhere.

As Jesse and Billie took turns jumping from the hay bales into Sonny's arms, she swallowed down the creeping memories and phantom emotions. Dr. Hanover had been working with her to help her remember the past without reliving the past.

She was safe. Her girls were safe.

She would make new memories.

"Hey," he whispered, just for her, soft and gentle. "Everything ok?"

She smirked. She never should have fallen in love with a cop and definitely shouldn't have fallen in love with a cop-turned-lawyer.

"I'm ok," she answered honestly because she was.

She wasn't great, but she wasn't about to fall apart. She was doing better at that—being honest. "Just, hold my hand."

"Gladly," he grinned, reaching out and wrapping his long fingers around hers once again. They were learning when to push and pull at each other in this new iteration of them. There was always something intuitive with Sonny, and Amanda was growing not just used to being seen, but reveling in it.

Each girl took a parent's hand, and they were soon immersed in the natural charm of agrarian splendor.

Sonny rocked nervously as the girls squealed and laughed in the children's corn maze.

"You can see the tops of their heads," Amanda pointed out, and Sonny gave her an indignant look.

She laughed at him, a bit of the tension leaving her shoulders.

When Billie got separated from Jesse, feeling suddenly overwhelmed and lost, she started crying for Daddy. The look of distress on Sonny's face bemused her until she realized he was waiting for her to let go of his hand.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, but they both knew her frustration was performative. "Go get her," she said simply, and Sonny was off, weaving through the maze as if his—or rather Billie's—life depended on it.

By the time Sonny had reached Billie and pulled her up into his arms, Jesse had circled back to find her sister. Sonny looked a comical giant amongst the shortened cornstalks, but Billie was smiling again and waved at her from her perch on his hip. She watched as the three of them navigated their way out.

"We did it!" cried Jesse, jumping into her mother's arms.

"Did it," echoed Billie, swinging her legs dramatically back and forth, getting muddy streaks on Carisi's jeans.

"I think that means you've earned a sweet treat," Sonny declared, getting two equally enthusiastic "Yeahs" from the girls. Jesse slid down from her mother's arms, but Billie seemed content to be carried for the moment, so Sonny shifted her enough to allow him to wordlessly reach out and take Amanda's hand again.

Amanda took a deep, easy breath, the tightness in her chest unwinding.

The small family meandered lazily down the path towards the warm smells of cinnamon, apple, sugar, and pumpkin. Amanda's stomach made a growling noise loud enough for Jesse to hear, and she laughed at her mom because that was still pretty funny to a first-grader.

She gave Sonny a sheepish grin. She hadn't eaten breakfast; her stomach had been tied in knots. Now, however, she couldn't resist the crispy sweetness that lured them closer to the snack wagon. The girls wanted to try everything, but they finally settled on some apple cider donuts, a fruit pie, two hot chocolates and two pumpkin-spiced coffees. The wind had picked up some, cooling the air, making the heated drinks a joy to hold close and sip.

The treats were a hit, but Amanda was glad she had a pack of wipes in her bag to clean sticky little fingers and sugary lips.

"Can we go pick out a pumpkin now?" asked Jesse.

Amanda felt the corners of her mouth twitch, but she held her smile. Carisi gave her a silent, questioning look, one she didn't have the time or desire to answer at the moment.

"I think we want to save that for last, Jess," Amanda said. "The pumpkins are just too heavy to be carrying around all day."

Jesse signed dramatically. "Alright, I suppose."

"Hey," Sonny said, reaching out to tease her belly. "What about a hayride?"

That was enough to disperse the momentary disappointment. The girls had never been on a hayride and the whole idea of riding on the back of a vehicle seemed exotic and adventurous. They finished cleaning up, but before Amanda could stand, Sonny reached out his hand. She knew, somehow, that it was a gesture meant to assure her he hadn't forgotten her request, and he was still there, ready to help if she needed it.

The coffee and pastries left her feeling sated and content, the girls were currently too excited to find anything to argue about, and the anxiety of the morning was melting away. She didn't feel quite as desperate to have something to cling to.

This time she took his hand in hers because she simply wanted to.

They strolled along, taking in the sights and sounds of the farm, making their way to the line for the hayride. As the day progressed, the farm was filling with more and more families, but they were still early enough that the wait for the hayride wasn't too long–only taking four rounds of I Spy.

"This is so much fun," Billie announced loudly as the tractor pulled them along, clapping her hands and giggling when the tractor took a turn, and they all listed heavily against the railing. There was much about her childhood that Amanda struggled to reconcile, but there was something calming in the smell of the hay and the rattling of the wheels against the rocky, dirt path around and through the farm. It reminded her of the parts of Georgia she loved.

Jesse was equally enchanted, declaring, "That was awesome" when they finally rolled to a stop. They had seen a large barn, a small barn, a chicken coop, and a goat pen, and she didn't think they were going to be able to top the experience. However, Billie caught sight of a couple of volunteers dressed in Colonial garb—a woman with her ankle-length dress and gray apron and a man in buckled shoes with long, cream-colored socks and a large, round hat. She immediately began firing off question after question; questions best suited for the volunteers to answer. She grew shy as they approached the woman, but the volunteer had plenty of experience engaging with children. She told them they were about to start the apple press demonstration, and the two Rollins girls soon sat enthralled as they watched apple after apple be squeezed and the juice spiced. They got to sample the cider, and it was a big enough hit that they begged until they got a promise to buy a jug before they left. Then the gentleman came out and showed everyone how to make soap, which fascinated Jesse.

Sonny squeezed Amanda's hand to get her attention before whispering, "How much ya wanna bet she'll be asked for a soap making kit?"

Amanda's eyebrow went up, and she just shook her head.

After the presentation, Jesse asked if they could make soap at home.

"Unc—I mean Sonny, is it time to pick a pumpkin yet?" She asked after being told they'd think about the soap thing. After Amanda and Sonny had talked to the girls about how their relationship had changed, the girls had naturally asked if Sonny was going to be their daddy. They had talked it out as a family, with Sonny assuring the girls, no matter what they called him, he would always be there for them. Billie decided that night it meant he was Daddy. Jesse would usually slip back and forth, trying and testing, familiarizing and reshaping.

"Yeah, I suppose it is."

The two girls once again erupted into cheers before practically dashing off toward the pumpkin patch. Sonny fussed at them to slow down and wait for them to catch up. Amanda had healed nicely from her gunshot wound, but that didn't stop Sonny from being overly cautious. There was some hemming and hawing, but eventually, all four made their way over to the rows and rows of pumpkins. The girls were overwhelmed with the many choices that lay before them and ran wildly around looking at each pumpkin.

Sonny and Amanda just laughed at them, happy to watch them exhaust some of their bouncing energy. Amanda felt contentment blossom and embraced the impulse to tug Carisi into the pumpkin patch with her to pick out a pumpkin.

"You changed your mind about wanting a pumpkin?" he asked, his voice light, unaccusing.

"I did," she said simply, pausing long enough to press her lips against his, a tender thank you.

It took some time, but soon each member had a pumpkin ready to take home. They decided ahead of time they would skip the pumpkin painting in favor of taking the pumpkins home to carve, so they lingered a little longer, enjoying the loveliness of the land around them, seeming like another world compared to their day-to-day life. Before long, Bille began bemoaning the heaviness of her pumpkin, and Jesse was complaining of being hungry.

It was time to go.

They made sure to get their jug of cider, and, since they were on Staten Island, they had prearranged to eat with his parents. The girls loved their Nonna and Papi Carisi, and, after a short car ride, they were talking over each other to tell them about their trip to the farm.

Dinner was delicious, leftovers packed up, cheeks kissed, and promises made to return soon.

The girls grew quiet in the car, and Amanda feared they'd fall asleep; it was much too late in the day for that. They'd never get them to bed when they got home, so she let them both have some iPad time. With headphones on, the girls could play games, watch a show, or read a book (or in Billie's case, have a book read to her).

The sky was filled with oranges and pinks, the sun having set, but just barely. The car was warm, and Amanda was relaxed watching Sonny as he drove. She trusted him totally and completely to get them home safe.

"Today was really nice," she said softly, earning a smug grin from her boyfriend.

"It really was," he answered. "It was such a great day."

"We might have to make this a family tradition," she offered easily.

Sonny shook his head and looked away from her for a moment before clearing his throat and turning to her to ask, "Do you have any idea how happy you make me?"

She could see the emotion shining in his eyes, and she knew she was ready to talk.

She reached for his hand once again, dancing her fingers up and down his palm until weaving her fingers with his. The same hand that had held her and anchored her all day.

"When I was about 10 years old, my daddy and momma took me and Kim to a pumpkin patch," she began, her eyes still focused on his hand. "We'd never gone before, and we never went again."

"That good, huh?" Sonny interjected, and she was grateful for the sarcastic lilt to his words. It kept her from breaking down.

"Yeah," she breathed, "that good."

She looked up at him now, and he glanced at her, saying nothing, giving her space to share, before he turned his eyes back to the road.

"Daddy showed up after being gone for weeks. Came home with some windfall in his pocket from gambling, and just out of the blue says we're going."

She could smell the stale tobacco, the lingering alcohol, so she leaned closer to Sonny and breathed in the fresh, clean scent of him, and the hint of cinnamon that clung to his jacket from where Jesse had grabbed him with her sticky fingers. She loved the smell of him, of them.

"It didn't go well," he prompted.

"It didn't," she confirmed. "Momma was mad because she was trying to make every cent stretch, and, now that I'm older, I can only imagine the indignity of having to rely so heavily on someone as unreliable as Jim Rollins. To have him come and go as he pleases and then just expect her to jump at his command."

She looked out the window, gripped his hand tighter, and fought with the feelings of regret, distrust, frustration, and sadness that always seemed to bleed through the skin when she thought about her momma.

"I don't know if Kim just never noticed or if she was just disassociating to avoid it all, but she was really looking forward to getting to go. I was too concerned about what momma and daddy were going to do, and I didn't keep a good enough eye on her, and Kim never was really good at listening."

Carisi scoffed then had the decency to blush. "Sorry," he mumbled.

Amanda just shrugged. "Fine. She's terrible at listening."

"What happened?"

"I lost her," Amanda admitted. "I got distracted trying to keep Momma and Daddy from fighting, and Kim got impatient, so she ran off."

She waited for the sick feeling to come.

It didn't.

She kept going, keeping her voice low to ensure the girls wouldn't overhear.

"It took us nearly 20 minutes to find her, and I could barely breathe for fear of something terrible happening to her."

"What had happened?"

"She'd wandered into the animals' pen where you were allowed to pet them. She just ignored us calling her name because she'd fallen in love with the baby goat."

Carisi snorted. "That tracks."

She swatted at him, but there was no real heart behind it. He was right.

"Momma and Daddy were livid. I got blamed for not keeping a better eye on my sister and took a smack to the mouth, and Kim got the spanking of a lifetime. Daddy threw us all back in the truck, drove us back home, and disappeared again for a few weeks," her voice grew even quieter. "Momma packed us up that night, and we left, this time for good."

"Damn, Amanda," Carisi breathed. "I could tell you were uncomfortable with the idea of going today, but I couldn't even begin—"

"I know," she interrupted, suddenly wanting him to really understand. "I knew you could tell something was off, but I want to be free of the things that happened, and I really don't want to take away opportunities for happy experiences from my girls. I didn't want to go because I couldn't not help the association I had, but I needed to go for them."

"I…I'm sorry, Amanda," he offered.

She shook her head. "No, I know what happened wasn't my fault, and therapy is helping me forgive myself, but today, today was so wonderful. Together, all of us, you, me, the girls, changed my association. I feel lighter and happier, like the joy today just evaporated the heartache that came before."

Sonny gave her an odd look.

"I'm not…I'm not pink clouding," she explained. "I don't mean I'm totally healed and everything is great, and I'll never struggle with my past, but today, today took something specific that brought me a lot of anxiety and regret and turned it into something beautiful, something I'll treasure."

Sonny's face softened. "Well, then I'm glad I got to be a part of that."

"Me too," she said, snuggling further into her seat, smiling.

That part of Amanda Rollins was gone.


Note: The author of this SVU: Fall in Love story will be revealed in November