APRIL 16
THIS WILL BE MY BOOK, THE BOOK OF PENELOPE, DAUGHTER OF ICARIUS, WIFE OF ODYSSEUS, AND MOTHER OF TELEMACHUS. I HAVE RECEIVED ALREADY MANY PRESENTS, AS FITTING FOR THE QUEEN OF ALL ITHACA, BUT I KNOW AS SURELY AS A DOG KNOWS ITS' WAY HOME THAT THIS WILL BE THIS FINEST PRESENT I RECEIVE.
AS I WRITE LINES UPON THIS PAGE, MY MIND IS STILL IN A DAZE FROM THE EXCITEMENT OF BIRTHING A CHILD. HE IS A BABY BOY, STRONG AND GLORIOUS EVEN NOW; HE CRIES NOT BUT SITS CALMLY IN HIS NURSES' ARMS.
I DREW A PICTURE OF HIM WITH MY OWN POOR HANDS AS I LAY; IT HARDLY DOES HIM JUSTICE, BUT YOU CAN SEE THAT HE LOOKS ENTIRELY LIKE HIS FATHER, AND PERHAPS JUST A LITTLE LIKE ME. EURYCLEIA, THE NURSE THE SAME WOMAN WHO RAISED ODYSSEUS NOW ATTEMPTED TO RAISE ME TOO, BOSSING ME LIKE A MOTHER TO HER CHILD AND TELLING ME TO REST.
ODYSSEUS TOOK THE BABE IN HIS ARMS AFTER A SHORT WHILE, AND SMILED TENDERLY OVER AT ME, STILL LYING RECLINING. I STILL LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART, STILL AS MAD AS A YOUNG GIRL STRUCK BY APHRODITE'S WHIMS. "AND WHAT SHALL WE NAME HIM?" CALLED OUT ONE OF MY MAIDS. AUTONOĆ, I THINK IT WAS, OR HIPPODAMIA PERHAPS.
MY HUSBAND HESITATED FOR A MOMENT, THINKING, AS HE DOES SO OFTEN, WITH HIS FOREHEAD SLIGHTLY WRINKLED, CHEWING ON HIS LIP, HIS HEAD BENT IN THOUGHT. AND THEN HE SPOKE, HOLDING THE BABY, IN THE SAME RICH VOICE HE COURTED ME IN. "HIS NAME IS TELEMACHUS," HE SAID.
TENSION SEEMED TO LEAVE THE ROOM; THE BIRTHING PROCESS WAS COMPLETE - AND THE ROOM RANG LOUD WITH CONGRATULATIONS. TELEMACHUS WAS FRIGHTINED FRIGHTENED AND CRIED, I HELD HIM CLOSE TO ME AND LOVED HIM. HE CALMED. WHEN I WAS A CHILD, PEOPLE ALWAYS CALLED ME CAPABLE, BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT HAVING HIM THERE SEEMED RIGHT, SOMEHOW.
BUT I WAS DISTURBED AT HEART. TELEMACHUS! "FINAL BATTLE!" WHATEVER MADE HIM CHOOSE THAT NAME? I WORRY THAT IT IS ALL THIS TALK OF WAR WITH TROY THAT MADE HIM THINK OF SUCH A NAME. TROY IS RICH AND GRAND AND EVERYONE WISHES TO OWN IT. THE ORACLES PREDICT THAT ODYSSEUS WILL GO AWAY TO FIGHT THERE AND COME BACK IN TWENTY YEARS, UNRECOGNIZED.
BUT ORACLES ARE OFTEN WRONG, AND SOON I WILL TALK TO HIM AND HE WILL TELL ME THAT HE JUST LIKED THE SOUND OF THE NAME, IN THE WAY HE LOVES MY OWN NAME. UNTIL I MET HIM, I NEVER THOUGHT THE WORD, "PENELOPE" COULD SOUND SO SWEET.
AGAIN, FORGIVE ME IF I SHOULD SEEM FOOLISH AND BESOTTED. I AM NEWLY WED AND IN LOVE, AND THE GODS MAY FORGIVE ME SUCH RAPTURE AT TIMES LIKE THIS. I GAVE TELEMACHUS TO HIS WET NURSE AND LAY DOWN AGAIN, WONDERING WHAT SORT OF MOTHER I WOULD BE LIKE.
TIMES LIKE THIS ARE BUSY INDEED! FOLLOWING MY ANNOUNCEMENT OF BIRTH, PRESENTS LIKE THIS CAME POURING IN, ALONG WITH CUPS AND MIXING BOWLS WITH PRECIOUS METALS, AND SILKEN ROBES IN LOVELY COLORS, AND VARIOUS OTHER PRESENTS AS WELL. AND WITH THEM CAME PEOPLE, MANY PEOPLE!
DESPITE EURYCLEIA'S ADMONISHMENTS, I TOOK PROPER CARE OF MY GUESTS. MANY PEOPLE CAME. MY BEAUTIFUL COUSIN HELEN, FOR ONE, HER BLONDE HAIR AND WHITE ARMS UNDIMMED BY MARRIAGE TO THE RED-HAIRED WARRIOR KING, MENELAUS OF SPARTA, WHO ACCOMPANIED HER. FOR ONCE I AM NOT JEALOUS OF HER SWEET WAYS AND LOOKS AS RADIANT AS APHRODITE - I HAVE A CHILD OF MY OWN, AND A BOY, NO LESS! I DO NOT KNOW WHY BOWS ARE SO PREFERRED TO GIRLS, AS BOTH ARE NECESSARY, BUT MEN LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CARRY ON THEIR LINEAGE.
I HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH ALL THE GUESTS AND ALSO THE SACRIFICES. FIVE TIMES NOW WE HAVE SACRIFICED SNOW-WHITE OXEN, FIVE TIMES BURNED THEIR THIGHS TO THE GODS.
FOR ALL THIS, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH OUR GUESTS ARE HUNGRIER THAN ALL THE DEITIES, AND MORE INTERMINABLE THAN THE IMMORTALS. AND NOW, MY SON TELEMACHUS DEMANDS ATTENTION AS WELL. WITHOUT ODYSSEUS, I SHOULD BE AT A LOSS TO HANDLE THIS UPROAR.
AND IN WRITING OF THEM, I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE GUESTS THEMSELVES, WHO STILL HERE AND STILL DEAFENINGLY NOISY, AND WHO ARE NOW CLAMORING FOR ME TO PRESENT MYSELF AT THE DINNER TABLE FOR CHOICE MEATS, BREADS, AND THE LAST OF SOME POTENT PHAEACIAN WINE WE'VE HAD FOR SOME TEN-ODD YEARS. I MUST GO. PENELOPE
JUNE 6 ALREADY I HAVE BEGUN TO FORGET NEGLECT THIS JOURNAL, WHICH I HAD SWORN TO MYSELF TO KEEP FAITHFULLY. I CAN BEG EXCUSE, I AM AFRAID, ONLY IN THAT IT IS IN NO WAY EASY TO CARE FOR A CHILD, ESPECIALLY ONE LIKE MY PRECOCIOUS SON, TELEMACHUS. HE IS NEARLY TWO MONTHS OLD NOW, AND CRIES LUSTILY AND OFTEN. HE RECOGNIZES ME, I FANCY, AND HOLDS MY THUMB IN HIS SMALL HAND WHEN I COME TO HOLD HIM.
MY BUSINESS, I MUST ADMIT, CONSISTS MOSTLY OF THINGS THAT DO NOT NEED TO BE DONE, WITH SOME WEAVING AT MY LOOM AND COMMANDING THE MAIDS AS WELL. TELEMACHUS IS BEING EXPERTLY CARED FOR, OF COURSE, AND FOR THE MOST PART ODYSSEUS IS MORE THAN COMPETENT AT HANDLING THE HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS, AS WELL AS HIS OWN DUTIES AS KING OF ITHACA. WHY THEN, I MUST ASK MYSELF, HAVE I STOPPED WRITING IN THIS BOOK?
IT IS NOT THAT IT HAS NOT BEEN CLOSE AT HAND, FOR IT HAS LAIN IN MY CHAMBERS IN EASY REACH, ON THE TABLE NEXT TO THE BED ODYSSEUS BUILT FOR ME - ON E OF THE BEDPOSTS MADE FROM A GREAT OLIVE TREE STILL ROOTED AND GROWING IN THE EARTH.
BUT SOMEHOW, IT JUST ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH OF A BOTHER TO WRITE. AFTER ALL, WHAT NEED IS THERE FOR ME TO WRITE DOWN MY SECRETS HERE WHEN I HAVE NONE? THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT TELL M HUSBAND, AND NOTHING THAT HE CANNOT TELL ME.
THEN, WHAT IS THE USE OF WRITING ALL THIS DOWN? I THINK I SHALL WRITE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE NOW, AS A PASSAGE OF TIME, BUT FOR NO OTHER REASON, UNLESS I REALLY DO HAVE NEWS INTERESTING ENOUGH TO SET DOWN IN INK UPON A PAGE.
EURYCLEIA, WHO SOMETIMES HELPS TEND TO TELEMACHUS, HAS BROUGHT HIM OVER TO SAY HELLO TO ME. MY BABY IS WATCHING ME NOW WITH SMALL ALERT EYES, HIS SMILE LIGHTING UP THE ROOM. I AM QUEEN OF ITHACA, HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND WHO IS KIND AND GENTLE, A BEAUTIFUL SON, AND DEVOTED SERVANTS. MY LIFE IS TRULY BLESSED BY THE GODS. DINNER HAS BEEN SERVED; I CAN HEAR THEM ANNOUNCING IT. PENELOPE
JULY 16 EVERYTHING IS STILL GOING WELL. TELEMACHUS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL BABY EVER, JUST BEGINNING TO MOVE HIS HEAD AND SUCK ON HIS TINY FISTS. ODYSSEUS CARES FOR HIM FAR MORE THAN HE WILL EVER ADMIT, BUT I KNOW FOR CERTAIN THAT HE DOES. HE SPENDS AS MUCH TIME WITH TELEMACHUS AND ME AS HE POSSIBLY CAN, PLAYING WITH HIM AND TALKING WITH ME (AND KISSING ME, IF NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.) THE BABY ADORES HIM, AND SO DO I.
HE HAS LET HIS BEARD GROW LONG - A SIGN THAT HE NO LONGER WISHES TO GO TO WAR OR ON RAIDS. I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ABOUT THAT. TO TELL THE TRUTH, I'M TERRIFIED WHENEVER HE GOES AWAY. I LIKE TO HAVE HIM AROUND.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE'S NOT PERFECT. HE'S A LITTLE TOO PROUD, I MUST ADMIT, AND THINKS NOTHING OF INVENTING STORIES AND PASSING THEM OFF AS THE TRUTH. AS FAR AS MEN GO THOUGH, HE IS UNMATCHED.
I AM HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, WITH ODYSSEUS, DESPITE THE FAULTS INHERENT TO ALL MORTAL THINGS. I AM AFRAID THOUGH, THAT WHILE GOOD TIMES ARE BETTER THAN HARD ONES, THERE IS FAR LESS TO SAY ABOUT PLEASANT THINGS.
SO I WON'T BORE YOU WITH ALL THE LITTLE DETAILS OF MY DAYS; THE NEW PIGS THE FEASTS FOR ALL THE GODS AND GODDESSES, THE TROUBLE ACTORIS, MY MAID HAS BEEN HAVING WITH MELANTHO, MY OTHER MAID. BOTH LOVELY, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, BUT THEY HATE EACH OTHER. WHY SHOULD I BOTHER, WHEN NEITHER I NOR ANYONE ELSE WILL WISH TO REMEMBER THESE THINGS? ENJOYABLE DAYS ARE SPLENDID TO RELIVE, BUT GENERALLY NOT INTERESTING TO RECALL. BUT I AM SURE THAT MY DAYS HAVE BEEN PROFITABLE AND WELL-SPENT. I HAVE WEAVING TO DO, AND MY LOOM SITS READY BUT IDLE, REMINDING ME THAT I DO HAVE DUTIES, EVEN AND ESPECIALLY AS A QUEEN.
PENELOPE
JULY 23
I JUST LOOKED BACK TO READ MY FORMER ENTRIES; I FELT THE URGE TO CROSS OUT WORDS AND TO BOTH LAUGH AT AND ADMONISH MYSELF. FOR ONE THING, HOW CAN I BEGRUDGE MY HAPPINESS SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS NOT INTERESTING TO WRITE ABOUT? I AM GROWING INCREASINGLY WORRIED EACH DAY WITH ALL THE TALK OF WAR CIRCULATING.
MANY GREEK MEN WISH A CHANCE TO USE THEIR SWORDS AND MAKE A PROFIT, AND THE ORACLES' PREDICTIONS GROW EVER MORE DIRE. ODYSSEUS, FOR HIS PART, ASSURES ME THAT HE HAS NO WISH TO GO TO WAR, AND IS PERFECTLY CONTENT TO REMAIN AT HOME FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. IF THERE'S A WAR, THOUGH, THEY SHALL FORCE HIM TO GO. I KNOW HE IS A GOOD SOLDIER, BRAVE AND INTELLIGENT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF HE WENT AWAY TO FIGHT TROJANS. I SUPPOSE THAT I WOULD DIE OF LONELINESS. LUCKILY, THERE IS NO REAL REASON YET FOR A WAR. THE GODS WOULD SURELY PUNISH US IF WE INITIATED A CONFLICT FOR A SELFISH REASON, SUCH AS OUR OWN PROFIT. ODYSSEUS SAYS THAT THE MEN ARE WISE ENOUGH TO KNOW THIS, AND I HOPE SO.
I HAVE A BAD FEELING IN MY BONES, THOUGH, AND MOTHER TOLD ME THAT A WOMAN'S FEELINGS ARE RIGHT MORE OFTEN THAN I MIGHT THINK. EURYCLEIA SAID THAT ALL THIS WORRYING WILL UPSET TELEMACHUS, AND AS SHE SAID THAT, SHE SWOOPED THE BOY FROM MY ARMS.
SHE IS FAR TOO UPPITY FOR HER STATUS AS A SERVANT, BUT SHE HAS BEEN LOVED DEARLY THROUGHOUT HER LIFE; LAERTES, ODYSSEUS' FATHER BOUGHT HER BUT NEVER TOUCHED HER, AND SHE REARED ODYSSEUS JUST LIKE A SECOND MOTHER. AND HAVING HAD SO MUCH EXPERIENCE, SHE MAY JUST BE RIGHT.
AS I DO NOT WANT TO UPSET MY SON, I WILL CALM MYSELF TONIGHT. I SEE ODYSSEUS COMING NOW, AND TALKING TO HIM WILL CALM ME MORE THAN ANYTHING - EVEN THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE ALONE - SO I WILL END HERE. PENELOPE
AUGUST 10
ATHENA, APOLLO, AND FOTHER FATEHER FATHER ZEUS! IT HAS HAPENED HAPPENED! WAR! EXCUSE MY POOR SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND WRITING, BUT I AM SETTING DOWN SO MUCH IN SUCH A HURRY! MY COUSIN HELEN CAUSED IT ALL. WELL, IT ACTUALLY WENT BACK FURTHER, ACCORDING TO OTHER STORIES, BUT I CANNOT VOUCH FOR THE ACCURACY OF THE STORIES. I DON'T CARE, I WILL WRITE WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN SAYING IN THE SERVANTS' QUARTERS.
A NYMPH WAS TO WED A MORTAL MAN (AND I HAVE HEARD SO MANY NAMES I DO NOT KNOW WHICH TO WRITE.) A WEDDING WAS PLANNED IN OLYMPUS AND ERIS, GODDESS OF DISCORD, WAS NOT INVITED. FURIOUS, SHE TOOK A GLEAMING GOLDEN APPLE FROM HER POCKET, INSCRIBED, "TO THE FAIREST". ATHENA, HERA, AND APHRODITE ALL CLAIMED IT, AND NO ONE KNEW WHO TO CHOOSE. FINALLY, ZEUS CHOSE PARIS, A FAIR YOUNG MAN FROM TROY TO CHOOSE.
THE GODESSES GODDESES GODESES - OH BOTHER - GODDESSES TRIED TO BRIBE THE YOUTH. HERA OFFERED HIM POWER, ATHENA WISDOM, AND APHRODITE TO WED HIM TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. HE AWARDED THE APPLE TO APHRODITE. EURYCLEIA BELIEVES THIS ALL, AND SAYS IT WAS A FOOLISH CHOICE. BUT SHE IS OLD, AND I, BEING ONLY YEARS AFTER MARRIAGE AND NOT MUCH OLDER THAN TWENTY, CAN EASILY SEE WHY HE MADE HIS DECISION.
BUT BACK TO MY STORY, IF INDEED IT BELONGS TO ME. I WILL KEEP ALL MY SPECULATIONS, INCLUDING THE ONE IN THE LAST SENTENCE TILL A FUTURE TIME, IF THAT IS POSSIBLE AT ALL. APHRODITE KEPT HER PROMISE, AND GAVE PARIS THE FAIREST WOMAN IN THE WORLD. THIS WAS MY LOVELY COUSIN HELEN - WHO IS ALREADY MARRIED TO MENELAUS!
HERE COMES THE PART I KNOW FOR CERTAIN. PARIS VISITED HELEN'S HOME, AND KIDNAPPED HER WHILE MENELAUS WAS AWAY! AND WHEN HELEN WAS MARRIED, ALL HER OTHER SUITORS HAD TO SIGN AN OATH TO ABIDE BY HER FATHER'S DECISION AND HELP RECOVER HER IF ANY MAN STOLE HER AWAY. THEY ARE GOING TO WAR IN TROY!
ODYSSEUS DID NOT SIGN THE OATH, AND SAYS HE WILL NOT GO TO WAR. BUT WHEN I HAPPENED TO WALK BY THE ARMORY, I SAW ALL HIS GEAR OF WAR IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR, POLISHED AND GLEAMING - THE FIRST TIME HE HAS TOUCHED THEM SINCE I TOLD HIM I WAS PREGNANT! HE HAS NEVER WITHHELD ANYTHING FROM HE ABOUT HIS DESIRES BEFORE, BUT IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THE MASTER OF LIES IS NOT BEING TRUTHFUL WITH ME. I AM HIS WIFE, I SHOULD KNOW.
RIGHT NOW, I AM MOSTLY FURIOUS WITH MY COUSIN HELEN. WHAT DID SHE GO AND START A WAR FOR? THE SENTENCE SEEMS IDIOTIC, BUT IT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE HAS DONE. I KNOW WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE SAID IN HER OWN DEFENSE. "IT WAS APHRODITE'S CURSE ON ME, I COULD NOT RESIST HIM! I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING!" HOW COULD SHE LEAVE HER DAUGHTER, HERMIONE? AND HER RIGHTFUL HUSBAND? I'LL GRANT THAT MENELAUS IS NO GREAT PRIZE, BUT SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO LEAVE HIM!
ODYSSEUS MUST NOT GO TO WAR. I WILL HOLD HIM TO HIS PROMISE, CONVINCE HIM THAT TELEMACHUS NEEDS HIM, AND THAT I NEED HIM TOO. I WILL BE TRUTHFUL! I COULDN'T BEAR LIFE WITHOUT HIM. BUT EVEN WITH HIM BY MY SIDE, WAR IS CERTAINLY A GRIM PROSPECT. THEY ARE COSTLY - AND NOT ONLY IN MONEY. WHO KNOWS HOW MANY YOUNG AND WORTHY CHAMPIONS - BOTH GREEK AND TROJAN - WILL DIE? PENELOPE
AUGUST 24
HIPPODAMIA CAME RUNNING FROM THE SERVANTS QUARTERS TO TELL ME THE NEWS. WARSHIPS ARE APPROACHING ITHACA'S SHORE LINE! THEY COME TO TAKE ODYSSEUS AWAY! HE WILL SAY THAT HE DOES NOT WANT TO GO, AND THEY WILL LET HIM BE. POSEIDON, LORD OF THE SEAS, HEAR MY PRAYER. DON'T CARRY ODYSSEUS FAR AWAY FROM ME ON A SHIP, ACROSS YOUR BOUNDLESS SEAS! I GO TO GREET THE SAILORS, PRAYING WITH EVERY STEP. PENELOPE
LATE AT NIGHT, ON THE SAME DAY
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT, I REALLY DON'T. ODYSSEUS DID NOT MEET ME BY THE HARBOR TO GREET OUR GUESTS, WHO WERE LED BY THE CRAFTY KING PALAMEDES, A MAN ALMOST AS INTELLIGENT AS MY HUSBAND.
I WAS TOLD TO GO FIND, "YOUR HUSBAND, THE KING OF ITHACA, AS I WISH TO SPEAK TO HIM." COULDN'T THEY HAVE JUST USED HIS NAME? I LOOKED ALL OVER, BUT COULD NOT FIND HIM. FINALLY, I FOUND HIM IN THE FIELDS, AND CALLED THE VISITORS. THEY HURRIED OVER, BUT DID NOT SEE WHAT THEY EXPECTED.
THERE WAS MY REGAL HUSBAND WITH THE PLOW. TWO GOATS WERE HARNESSED TO IT, AND HE WAS PUTTING SALT INTO THE FURROWS! HE SEEMED NOT TO SEE ME OR ANYONE, BUT LAUGHED CRAZILY, MUTTERING, "MUST GET THE PLOWING DONE. MUST GET THE PLOWING DONE," OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
AT FIRST I WAS HORRIFIED, THINKING THAT HE HAD GONE MAD. THEN I REALIZED IT WAS ONLY A RUSE, THAT HE WAS PRETENDING TO BE MAD TO ESCAPE THE DRAFT. TRYING TO TAKE IT IN STRIDE, I TOLD THE PUZZLED MEN THAT HE HAD BEEN THIS WAY FOR WEEKS, AND THAT I HAD HOPED HE WAS BETTER. AFTER I SAID THIS, I THOUGHT I SAW ODYSSEUS SMILE AT ME. THE MEN SAT DOWN TO DISCUSS WHAT TO DO, AND I WENT HOME, HAD SUPPER, AND WENT TO BED.
I AM SO UNBEARABLY LONELY WITHOUT ODYSSEUS NEXT TO ME, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE IS STILL ON THE ISLAND, BEDDING DOWN IN THE FURROWS IN AN ATTEMPT TO STAY HERE WITH ME. WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE IF HE GOES AWAY? I CANNOT STAND IT ANY MORE - I SHALL TRY TO SLEEP IF I CAN.
AUGUST 25
I HOPE WITH ALL MY HEART THAT HE TRULY IS FAKING HIS AFFLICTION AND HAS NOT REALLY GONE MAD, THOUGH THAT IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF ON A CONSTANT BASIS. HE IS NO BETTER TODAY, CONTINUING THE NONSENSICAL TASK THAT HE STARTED YESTERDAY, AND STILL MUTTERING TO HIMSELF. TAKING TELEMACHUS OUT TO GET SOME AIR, I WENT BY THE MEN WATCHING HIM, YEARNING TO RUN OUT AND EMBRACE HIM, MUD-SPATTERED AND DERANGED-LOOKING AS HE WAS. THE MEN ARE STILL CONSIDERING, AND I AM STILL WAITING. PENELOPE
LATER
NO! IT CANNOT BE! I CAN BARELY BEAR TO WRITE IT, TO CONFIRM THAT IT IS TRUE. PALAMEDES, MAY THE GODS CURSE YOU, TAKE AWAY YOUR SENSE, AND GIVE YOU THE WITS OF A DONKEY - OR LESS! WHILE LOOKING AT MY HUSBAND, HE SUDDENLY SNATCHED TELEMACHUS FROM MY ARMS AND THREW HIM IN FRONT OF THE PLOW! WHAT A MONSTER!
IF ODYSSEUS HAD TRULY BEEN DERANGED, HE WOULD HAVE KILLED MY SON, THE PRINCE. BUT ODYSSEUS KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING, OF COURSE, AND HASTILY STOPPED THE PLOW AND RESCUED HIS SON, REGRET AND ANGER IN HIS EYES AS HE COMFORTED THE POOR CHILD. I WAS TRULY THE ONE NEEDING COMFORT, THOUGH.
I ASKED MY HUSBAND TO COME BACK TO THE PALACE TO TALK TO ME ALONE. I HELD MY TEARS IN UNTIL WE REACHED OUR ROOM, AND THEN I COULD STAND IT NO LONGER AND FELL TO WEEPING. ODYSSEUS IS SITTING BY ME NOW, AS I WRITE THIS.
I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS TRULY LEAVING AND HE TOLD ME YES, THAT HE MUST. I ASKED HIM WHEN, AND HE SAID IN A WEEK'S TIME. OH SHORT WEEKS, WHICH ONCE SEEMED TO DRAG THEIR HEELS AND PASS RELUCTANTLY! ALREADY, MY PRECIOUS TIME WITH HIM IS SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS! I DO NOT SIDE WITH OUR NEWFOUND ENEMY, THE TROJANS, BUT I WISH I WERE A TROJAN WOMAN, WHO WOULD SEE THEIR HUSBANDS EVERY DAY WHEN THEY RETURNED HOME.
"OR WATCH THEM DIE," SAID ODYSSEUS, WHO WAS WATCHING ME WRITE. HE WAS SERIOUS, ALL THE JOKING GONE OUT OF HIM. "PENELOPE, I WANT TO SAY THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW, THAT WE MIGHT ENJOY THE REST OF OUR TIME TOGETHER. THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I MIGHT NOT RETURN HOME, YOU KNOW."
"NO!" I SCREAMED, COVERING MY EARS WITH MY HANDS, NOT WANTING TO HEAR IT. "YOU WILL RETURN. YOU'LL COME BACK!" I WAS FRANTIC, I HAVE TO ADMIT. HE TOOK MY HANDS AWAY, AND HELD THEM IN HIS.
"BUT I MAY NOT COME BACK. NOW, LISTEN TO ME, PENELOPE, PLEASE TRY. WAIT FOR ME, FOR A WHILE - BUT WHEN YOU SEE THE FIRST BEARD ON TELEMACHUS' CHEEK, THEN GIVE ME UP FOR DEAD, PERFORM MY RITES, AND CHOOSE ANOTHER.". HIS VOICE BROKE, HE WAS CRYING TOO, AND THAT MADE ME FEEL MORE AFRAID.
"CHOOSE ANOTHER HUSBAND," HE CONTINUED. "YOU MUST DO THIS FOR ME, I WOULD NOT WISH YOU UNHAPPY FOR ALL YOUR LIFE." I JUST NODDED AND CRIED. I WILL NOT WRITE IN THIS DIARY FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK. I AM SPENDING EVERY MOMENT OF IT WITH MY HUSBAND. I CANNOT LET HIM GO!!! MAY THE GODS WATCH OVER US AND FAVOR US, HIM ESPECIALLY. PENELOPE
THIS WILL BE MY BOOK, THE BOOK OF PENELOPE, DAUGHTER OF ICARIUS, WIFE OF ODYSSEUS, AND MOTHER OF TELEMACHUS. I HAVE RECEIVED ALREADY MANY PRESENTS, AS FITTING FOR THE QUEEN OF ALL ITHACA, BUT I KNOW AS SURELY AS A DOG KNOWS ITS' WAY HOME THAT THIS WILL BE THIS FINEST PRESENT I RECEIVE.
AS I WRITE LINES UPON THIS PAGE, MY MIND IS STILL IN A DAZE FROM THE EXCITEMENT OF BIRTHING A CHILD. HE IS A BABY BOY, STRONG AND GLORIOUS EVEN NOW; HE CRIES NOT BUT SITS CALMLY IN HIS NURSES' ARMS.
I DREW A PICTURE OF HIM WITH MY OWN POOR HANDS AS I LAY; IT HARDLY DOES HIM JUSTICE, BUT YOU CAN SEE THAT HE LOOKS ENTIRELY LIKE HIS FATHER, AND PERHAPS JUST A LITTLE LIKE ME. EURYCLEIA, THE NURSE THE SAME WOMAN WHO RAISED ODYSSEUS NOW ATTEMPTED TO RAISE ME TOO, BOSSING ME LIKE A MOTHER TO HER CHILD AND TELLING ME TO REST.
ODYSSEUS TOOK THE BABE IN HIS ARMS AFTER A SHORT WHILE, AND SMILED TENDERLY OVER AT ME, STILL LYING RECLINING. I STILL LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART, STILL AS MAD AS A YOUNG GIRL STRUCK BY APHRODITE'S WHIMS. "AND WHAT SHALL WE NAME HIM?" CALLED OUT ONE OF MY MAIDS. AUTONOĆ, I THINK IT WAS, OR HIPPODAMIA PERHAPS.
MY HUSBAND HESITATED FOR A MOMENT, THINKING, AS HE DOES SO OFTEN, WITH HIS FOREHEAD SLIGHTLY WRINKLED, CHEWING ON HIS LIP, HIS HEAD BENT IN THOUGHT. AND THEN HE SPOKE, HOLDING THE BABY, IN THE SAME RICH VOICE HE COURTED ME IN. "HIS NAME IS TELEMACHUS," HE SAID.
TENSION SEEMED TO LEAVE THE ROOM; THE BIRTHING PROCESS WAS COMPLETE - AND THE ROOM RANG LOUD WITH CONGRATULATIONS. TELEMACHUS WAS FRIGHTINED FRIGHTENED AND CRIED, I HELD HIM CLOSE TO ME AND LOVED HIM. HE CALMED. WHEN I WAS A CHILD, PEOPLE ALWAYS CALLED ME CAPABLE, BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT HAVING HIM THERE SEEMED RIGHT, SOMEHOW.
BUT I WAS DISTURBED AT HEART. TELEMACHUS! "FINAL BATTLE!" WHATEVER MADE HIM CHOOSE THAT NAME? I WORRY THAT IT IS ALL THIS TALK OF WAR WITH TROY THAT MADE HIM THINK OF SUCH A NAME. TROY IS RICH AND GRAND AND EVERYONE WISHES TO OWN IT. THE ORACLES PREDICT THAT ODYSSEUS WILL GO AWAY TO FIGHT THERE AND COME BACK IN TWENTY YEARS, UNRECOGNIZED.
BUT ORACLES ARE OFTEN WRONG, AND SOON I WILL TALK TO HIM AND HE WILL TELL ME THAT HE JUST LIKED THE SOUND OF THE NAME, IN THE WAY HE LOVES MY OWN NAME. UNTIL I MET HIM, I NEVER THOUGHT THE WORD, "PENELOPE" COULD SOUND SO SWEET.
AGAIN, FORGIVE ME IF I SHOULD SEEM FOOLISH AND BESOTTED. I AM NEWLY WED AND IN LOVE, AND THE GODS MAY FORGIVE ME SUCH RAPTURE AT TIMES LIKE THIS. I GAVE TELEMACHUS TO HIS WET NURSE AND LAY DOWN AGAIN, WONDERING WHAT SORT OF MOTHER I WOULD BE LIKE.
TIMES LIKE THIS ARE BUSY INDEED! FOLLOWING MY ANNOUNCEMENT OF BIRTH, PRESENTS LIKE THIS CAME POURING IN, ALONG WITH CUPS AND MIXING BOWLS WITH PRECIOUS METALS, AND SILKEN ROBES IN LOVELY COLORS, AND VARIOUS OTHER PRESENTS AS WELL. AND WITH THEM CAME PEOPLE, MANY PEOPLE!
DESPITE EURYCLEIA'S ADMONISHMENTS, I TOOK PROPER CARE OF MY GUESTS. MANY PEOPLE CAME. MY BEAUTIFUL COUSIN HELEN, FOR ONE, HER BLONDE HAIR AND WHITE ARMS UNDIMMED BY MARRIAGE TO THE RED-HAIRED WARRIOR KING, MENELAUS OF SPARTA, WHO ACCOMPANIED HER. FOR ONCE I AM NOT JEALOUS OF HER SWEET WAYS AND LOOKS AS RADIANT AS APHRODITE - I HAVE A CHILD OF MY OWN, AND A BOY, NO LESS! I DO NOT KNOW WHY BOWS ARE SO PREFERRED TO GIRLS, AS BOTH ARE NECESSARY, BUT MEN LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CARRY ON THEIR LINEAGE.
I HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH ALL THE GUESTS AND ALSO THE SACRIFICES. FIVE TIMES NOW WE HAVE SACRIFICED SNOW-WHITE OXEN, FIVE TIMES BURNED THEIR THIGHS TO THE GODS.
FOR ALL THIS, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH OUR GUESTS ARE HUNGRIER THAN ALL THE DEITIES, AND MORE INTERMINABLE THAN THE IMMORTALS. AND NOW, MY SON TELEMACHUS DEMANDS ATTENTION AS WELL. WITHOUT ODYSSEUS, I SHOULD BE AT A LOSS TO HANDLE THIS UPROAR.
AND IN WRITING OF THEM, I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE GUESTS THEMSELVES, WHO STILL HERE AND STILL DEAFENINGLY NOISY, AND WHO ARE NOW CLAMORING FOR ME TO PRESENT MYSELF AT THE DINNER TABLE FOR CHOICE MEATS, BREADS, AND THE LAST OF SOME POTENT PHAEACIAN WINE WE'VE HAD FOR SOME TEN-ODD YEARS. I MUST GO. PENELOPE
JUNE 6 ALREADY I HAVE BEGUN TO FORGET NEGLECT THIS JOURNAL, WHICH I HAD SWORN TO MYSELF TO KEEP FAITHFULLY. I CAN BEG EXCUSE, I AM AFRAID, ONLY IN THAT IT IS IN NO WAY EASY TO CARE FOR A CHILD, ESPECIALLY ONE LIKE MY PRECOCIOUS SON, TELEMACHUS. HE IS NEARLY TWO MONTHS OLD NOW, AND CRIES LUSTILY AND OFTEN. HE RECOGNIZES ME, I FANCY, AND HOLDS MY THUMB IN HIS SMALL HAND WHEN I COME TO HOLD HIM.
MY BUSINESS, I MUST ADMIT, CONSISTS MOSTLY OF THINGS THAT DO NOT NEED TO BE DONE, WITH SOME WEAVING AT MY LOOM AND COMMANDING THE MAIDS AS WELL. TELEMACHUS IS BEING EXPERTLY CARED FOR, OF COURSE, AND FOR THE MOST PART ODYSSEUS IS MORE THAN COMPETENT AT HANDLING THE HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS, AS WELL AS HIS OWN DUTIES AS KING OF ITHACA. WHY THEN, I MUST ASK MYSELF, HAVE I STOPPED WRITING IN THIS BOOK?
IT IS NOT THAT IT HAS NOT BEEN CLOSE AT HAND, FOR IT HAS LAIN IN MY CHAMBERS IN EASY REACH, ON THE TABLE NEXT TO THE BED ODYSSEUS BUILT FOR ME - ON E OF THE BEDPOSTS MADE FROM A GREAT OLIVE TREE STILL ROOTED AND GROWING IN THE EARTH.
BUT SOMEHOW, IT JUST ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH OF A BOTHER TO WRITE. AFTER ALL, WHAT NEED IS THERE FOR ME TO WRITE DOWN MY SECRETS HERE WHEN I HAVE NONE? THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT TELL M HUSBAND, AND NOTHING THAT HE CANNOT TELL ME.
THEN, WHAT IS THE USE OF WRITING ALL THIS DOWN? I THINK I SHALL WRITE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE NOW, AS A PASSAGE OF TIME, BUT FOR NO OTHER REASON, UNLESS I REALLY DO HAVE NEWS INTERESTING ENOUGH TO SET DOWN IN INK UPON A PAGE.
EURYCLEIA, WHO SOMETIMES HELPS TEND TO TELEMACHUS, HAS BROUGHT HIM OVER TO SAY HELLO TO ME. MY BABY IS WATCHING ME NOW WITH SMALL ALERT EYES, HIS SMILE LIGHTING UP THE ROOM. I AM QUEEN OF ITHACA, HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND WHO IS KIND AND GENTLE, A BEAUTIFUL SON, AND DEVOTED SERVANTS. MY LIFE IS TRULY BLESSED BY THE GODS. DINNER HAS BEEN SERVED; I CAN HEAR THEM ANNOUNCING IT. PENELOPE
JULY 16 EVERYTHING IS STILL GOING WELL. TELEMACHUS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL BABY EVER, JUST BEGINNING TO MOVE HIS HEAD AND SUCK ON HIS TINY FISTS. ODYSSEUS CARES FOR HIM FAR MORE THAN HE WILL EVER ADMIT, BUT I KNOW FOR CERTAIN THAT HE DOES. HE SPENDS AS MUCH TIME WITH TELEMACHUS AND ME AS HE POSSIBLY CAN, PLAYING WITH HIM AND TALKING WITH ME (AND KISSING ME, IF NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.) THE BABY ADORES HIM, AND SO DO I.
HE HAS LET HIS BEARD GROW LONG - A SIGN THAT HE NO LONGER WISHES TO GO TO WAR OR ON RAIDS. I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ABOUT THAT. TO TELL THE TRUTH, I'M TERRIFIED WHENEVER HE GOES AWAY. I LIKE TO HAVE HIM AROUND.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE'S NOT PERFECT. HE'S A LITTLE TOO PROUD, I MUST ADMIT, AND THINKS NOTHING OF INVENTING STORIES AND PASSING THEM OFF AS THE TRUTH. AS FAR AS MEN GO THOUGH, HE IS UNMATCHED.
I AM HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, WITH ODYSSEUS, DESPITE THE FAULTS INHERENT TO ALL MORTAL THINGS. I AM AFRAID THOUGH, THAT WHILE GOOD TIMES ARE BETTER THAN HARD ONES, THERE IS FAR LESS TO SAY ABOUT PLEASANT THINGS.
SO I WON'T BORE YOU WITH ALL THE LITTLE DETAILS OF MY DAYS; THE NEW PIGS THE FEASTS FOR ALL THE GODS AND GODDESSES, THE TROUBLE ACTORIS, MY MAID HAS BEEN HAVING WITH MELANTHO, MY OTHER MAID. BOTH LOVELY, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, BUT THEY HATE EACH OTHER. WHY SHOULD I BOTHER, WHEN NEITHER I NOR ANYONE ELSE WILL WISH TO REMEMBER THESE THINGS? ENJOYABLE DAYS ARE SPLENDID TO RELIVE, BUT GENERALLY NOT INTERESTING TO RECALL. BUT I AM SURE THAT MY DAYS HAVE BEEN PROFITABLE AND WELL-SPENT. I HAVE WEAVING TO DO, AND MY LOOM SITS READY BUT IDLE, REMINDING ME THAT I DO HAVE DUTIES, EVEN AND ESPECIALLY AS A QUEEN.
PENELOPE
JULY 23
I JUST LOOKED BACK TO READ MY FORMER ENTRIES; I FELT THE URGE TO CROSS OUT WORDS AND TO BOTH LAUGH AT AND ADMONISH MYSELF. FOR ONE THING, HOW CAN I BEGRUDGE MY HAPPINESS SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS NOT INTERESTING TO WRITE ABOUT? I AM GROWING INCREASINGLY WORRIED EACH DAY WITH ALL THE TALK OF WAR CIRCULATING.
MANY GREEK MEN WISH A CHANCE TO USE THEIR SWORDS AND MAKE A PROFIT, AND THE ORACLES' PREDICTIONS GROW EVER MORE DIRE. ODYSSEUS, FOR HIS PART, ASSURES ME THAT HE HAS NO WISH TO GO TO WAR, AND IS PERFECTLY CONTENT TO REMAIN AT HOME FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. IF THERE'S A WAR, THOUGH, THEY SHALL FORCE HIM TO GO. I KNOW HE IS A GOOD SOLDIER, BRAVE AND INTELLIGENT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF HE WENT AWAY TO FIGHT TROJANS. I SUPPOSE THAT I WOULD DIE OF LONELINESS. LUCKILY, THERE IS NO REAL REASON YET FOR A WAR. THE GODS WOULD SURELY PUNISH US IF WE INITIATED A CONFLICT FOR A SELFISH REASON, SUCH AS OUR OWN PROFIT. ODYSSEUS SAYS THAT THE MEN ARE WISE ENOUGH TO KNOW THIS, AND I HOPE SO.
I HAVE A BAD FEELING IN MY BONES, THOUGH, AND MOTHER TOLD ME THAT A WOMAN'S FEELINGS ARE RIGHT MORE OFTEN THAN I MIGHT THINK. EURYCLEIA SAID THAT ALL THIS WORRYING WILL UPSET TELEMACHUS, AND AS SHE SAID THAT, SHE SWOOPED THE BOY FROM MY ARMS.
SHE IS FAR TOO UPPITY FOR HER STATUS AS A SERVANT, BUT SHE HAS BEEN LOVED DEARLY THROUGHOUT HER LIFE; LAERTES, ODYSSEUS' FATHER BOUGHT HER BUT NEVER TOUCHED HER, AND SHE REARED ODYSSEUS JUST LIKE A SECOND MOTHER. AND HAVING HAD SO MUCH EXPERIENCE, SHE MAY JUST BE RIGHT.
AS I DO NOT WANT TO UPSET MY SON, I WILL CALM MYSELF TONIGHT. I SEE ODYSSEUS COMING NOW, AND TALKING TO HIM WILL CALM ME MORE THAN ANYTHING - EVEN THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE ALONE - SO I WILL END HERE. PENELOPE
AUGUST 10
ATHENA, APOLLO, AND FOTHER FATEHER FATHER ZEUS! IT HAS HAPENED HAPPENED! WAR! EXCUSE MY POOR SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND WRITING, BUT I AM SETTING DOWN SO MUCH IN SUCH A HURRY! MY COUSIN HELEN CAUSED IT ALL. WELL, IT ACTUALLY WENT BACK FURTHER, ACCORDING TO OTHER STORIES, BUT I CANNOT VOUCH FOR THE ACCURACY OF THE STORIES. I DON'T CARE, I WILL WRITE WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN SAYING IN THE SERVANTS' QUARTERS.
A NYMPH WAS TO WED A MORTAL MAN (AND I HAVE HEARD SO MANY NAMES I DO NOT KNOW WHICH TO WRITE.) A WEDDING WAS PLANNED IN OLYMPUS AND ERIS, GODDESS OF DISCORD, WAS NOT INVITED. FURIOUS, SHE TOOK A GLEAMING GOLDEN APPLE FROM HER POCKET, INSCRIBED, "TO THE FAIREST". ATHENA, HERA, AND APHRODITE ALL CLAIMED IT, AND NO ONE KNEW WHO TO CHOOSE. FINALLY, ZEUS CHOSE PARIS, A FAIR YOUNG MAN FROM TROY TO CHOOSE.
THE GODESSES GODDESES GODESES - OH BOTHER - GODDESSES TRIED TO BRIBE THE YOUTH. HERA OFFERED HIM POWER, ATHENA WISDOM, AND APHRODITE TO WED HIM TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. HE AWARDED THE APPLE TO APHRODITE. EURYCLEIA BELIEVES THIS ALL, AND SAYS IT WAS A FOOLISH CHOICE. BUT SHE IS OLD, AND I, BEING ONLY YEARS AFTER MARRIAGE AND NOT MUCH OLDER THAN TWENTY, CAN EASILY SEE WHY HE MADE HIS DECISION.
BUT BACK TO MY STORY, IF INDEED IT BELONGS TO ME. I WILL KEEP ALL MY SPECULATIONS, INCLUDING THE ONE IN THE LAST SENTENCE TILL A FUTURE TIME, IF THAT IS POSSIBLE AT ALL. APHRODITE KEPT HER PROMISE, AND GAVE PARIS THE FAIREST WOMAN IN THE WORLD. THIS WAS MY LOVELY COUSIN HELEN - WHO IS ALREADY MARRIED TO MENELAUS!
HERE COMES THE PART I KNOW FOR CERTAIN. PARIS VISITED HELEN'S HOME, AND KIDNAPPED HER WHILE MENELAUS WAS AWAY! AND WHEN HELEN WAS MARRIED, ALL HER OTHER SUITORS HAD TO SIGN AN OATH TO ABIDE BY HER FATHER'S DECISION AND HELP RECOVER HER IF ANY MAN STOLE HER AWAY. THEY ARE GOING TO WAR IN TROY!
ODYSSEUS DID NOT SIGN THE OATH, AND SAYS HE WILL NOT GO TO WAR. BUT WHEN I HAPPENED TO WALK BY THE ARMORY, I SAW ALL HIS GEAR OF WAR IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR, POLISHED AND GLEAMING - THE FIRST TIME HE HAS TOUCHED THEM SINCE I TOLD HIM I WAS PREGNANT! HE HAS NEVER WITHHELD ANYTHING FROM HE ABOUT HIS DESIRES BEFORE, BUT IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THE MASTER OF LIES IS NOT BEING TRUTHFUL WITH ME. I AM HIS WIFE, I SHOULD KNOW.
RIGHT NOW, I AM MOSTLY FURIOUS WITH MY COUSIN HELEN. WHAT DID SHE GO AND START A WAR FOR? THE SENTENCE SEEMS IDIOTIC, BUT IT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE HAS DONE. I KNOW WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE SAID IN HER OWN DEFENSE. "IT WAS APHRODITE'S CURSE ON ME, I COULD NOT RESIST HIM! I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING!" HOW COULD SHE LEAVE HER DAUGHTER, HERMIONE? AND HER RIGHTFUL HUSBAND? I'LL GRANT THAT MENELAUS IS NO GREAT PRIZE, BUT SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO LEAVE HIM!
ODYSSEUS MUST NOT GO TO WAR. I WILL HOLD HIM TO HIS PROMISE, CONVINCE HIM THAT TELEMACHUS NEEDS HIM, AND THAT I NEED HIM TOO. I WILL BE TRUTHFUL! I COULDN'T BEAR LIFE WITHOUT HIM. BUT EVEN WITH HIM BY MY SIDE, WAR IS CERTAINLY A GRIM PROSPECT. THEY ARE COSTLY - AND NOT ONLY IN MONEY. WHO KNOWS HOW MANY YOUNG AND WORTHY CHAMPIONS - BOTH GREEK AND TROJAN - WILL DIE? PENELOPE
AUGUST 24
HIPPODAMIA CAME RUNNING FROM THE SERVANTS QUARTERS TO TELL ME THE NEWS. WARSHIPS ARE APPROACHING ITHACA'S SHORE LINE! THEY COME TO TAKE ODYSSEUS AWAY! HE WILL SAY THAT HE DOES NOT WANT TO GO, AND THEY WILL LET HIM BE. POSEIDON, LORD OF THE SEAS, HEAR MY PRAYER. DON'T CARRY ODYSSEUS FAR AWAY FROM ME ON A SHIP, ACROSS YOUR BOUNDLESS SEAS! I GO TO GREET THE SAILORS, PRAYING WITH EVERY STEP. PENELOPE
LATE AT NIGHT, ON THE SAME DAY
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT, I REALLY DON'T. ODYSSEUS DID NOT MEET ME BY THE HARBOR TO GREET OUR GUESTS, WHO WERE LED BY THE CRAFTY KING PALAMEDES, A MAN ALMOST AS INTELLIGENT AS MY HUSBAND.
I WAS TOLD TO GO FIND, "YOUR HUSBAND, THE KING OF ITHACA, AS I WISH TO SPEAK TO HIM." COULDN'T THEY HAVE JUST USED HIS NAME? I LOOKED ALL OVER, BUT COULD NOT FIND HIM. FINALLY, I FOUND HIM IN THE FIELDS, AND CALLED THE VISITORS. THEY HURRIED OVER, BUT DID NOT SEE WHAT THEY EXPECTED.
THERE WAS MY REGAL HUSBAND WITH THE PLOW. TWO GOATS WERE HARNESSED TO IT, AND HE WAS PUTTING SALT INTO THE FURROWS! HE SEEMED NOT TO SEE ME OR ANYONE, BUT LAUGHED CRAZILY, MUTTERING, "MUST GET THE PLOWING DONE. MUST GET THE PLOWING DONE," OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
AT FIRST I WAS HORRIFIED, THINKING THAT HE HAD GONE MAD. THEN I REALIZED IT WAS ONLY A RUSE, THAT HE WAS PRETENDING TO BE MAD TO ESCAPE THE DRAFT. TRYING TO TAKE IT IN STRIDE, I TOLD THE PUZZLED MEN THAT HE HAD BEEN THIS WAY FOR WEEKS, AND THAT I HAD HOPED HE WAS BETTER. AFTER I SAID THIS, I THOUGHT I SAW ODYSSEUS SMILE AT ME. THE MEN SAT DOWN TO DISCUSS WHAT TO DO, AND I WENT HOME, HAD SUPPER, AND WENT TO BED.
I AM SO UNBEARABLY LONELY WITHOUT ODYSSEUS NEXT TO ME, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE IS STILL ON THE ISLAND, BEDDING DOWN IN THE FURROWS IN AN ATTEMPT TO STAY HERE WITH ME. WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE IF HE GOES AWAY? I CANNOT STAND IT ANY MORE - I SHALL TRY TO SLEEP IF I CAN.
AUGUST 25
I HOPE WITH ALL MY HEART THAT HE TRULY IS FAKING HIS AFFLICTION AND HAS NOT REALLY GONE MAD, THOUGH THAT IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF ON A CONSTANT BASIS. HE IS NO BETTER TODAY, CONTINUING THE NONSENSICAL TASK THAT HE STARTED YESTERDAY, AND STILL MUTTERING TO HIMSELF. TAKING TELEMACHUS OUT TO GET SOME AIR, I WENT BY THE MEN WATCHING HIM, YEARNING TO RUN OUT AND EMBRACE HIM, MUD-SPATTERED AND DERANGED-LOOKING AS HE WAS. THE MEN ARE STILL CONSIDERING, AND I AM STILL WAITING. PENELOPE
LATER
NO! IT CANNOT BE! I CAN BARELY BEAR TO WRITE IT, TO CONFIRM THAT IT IS TRUE. PALAMEDES, MAY THE GODS CURSE YOU, TAKE AWAY YOUR SENSE, AND GIVE YOU THE WITS OF A DONKEY - OR LESS! WHILE LOOKING AT MY HUSBAND, HE SUDDENLY SNATCHED TELEMACHUS FROM MY ARMS AND THREW HIM IN FRONT OF THE PLOW! WHAT A MONSTER!
IF ODYSSEUS HAD TRULY BEEN DERANGED, HE WOULD HAVE KILLED MY SON, THE PRINCE. BUT ODYSSEUS KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING, OF COURSE, AND HASTILY STOPPED THE PLOW AND RESCUED HIS SON, REGRET AND ANGER IN HIS EYES AS HE COMFORTED THE POOR CHILD. I WAS TRULY THE ONE NEEDING COMFORT, THOUGH.
I ASKED MY HUSBAND TO COME BACK TO THE PALACE TO TALK TO ME ALONE. I HELD MY TEARS IN UNTIL WE REACHED OUR ROOM, AND THEN I COULD STAND IT NO LONGER AND FELL TO WEEPING. ODYSSEUS IS SITTING BY ME NOW, AS I WRITE THIS.
I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS TRULY LEAVING AND HE TOLD ME YES, THAT HE MUST. I ASKED HIM WHEN, AND HE SAID IN A WEEK'S TIME. OH SHORT WEEKS, WHICH ONCE SEEMED TO DRAG THEIR HEELS AND PASS RELUCTANTLY! ALREADY, MY PRECIOUS TIME WITH HIM IS SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS! I DO NOT SIDE WITH OUR NEWFOUND ENEMY, THE TROJANS, BUT I WISH I WERE A TROJAN WOMAN, WHO WOULD SEE THEIR HUSBANDS EVERY DAY WHEN THEY RETURNED HOME.
"OR WATCH THEM DIE," SAID ODYSSEUS, WHO WAS WATCHING ME WRITE. HE WAS SERIOUS, ALL THE JOKING GONE OUT OF HIM. "PENELOPE, I WANT TO SAY THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW, THAT WE MIGHT ENJOY THE REST OF OUR TIME TOGETHER. THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I MIGHT NOT RETURN HOME, YOU KNOW."
"NO!" I SCREAMED, COVERING MY EARS WITH MY HANDS, NOT WANTING TO HEAR IT. "YOU WILL RETURN. YOU'LL COME BACK!" I WAS FRANTIC, I HAVE TO ADMIT. HE TOOK MY HANDS AWAY, AND HELD THEM IN HIS.
"BUT I MAY NOT COME BACK. NOW, LISTEN TO ME, PENELOPE, PLEASE TRY. WAIT FOR ME, FOR A WHILE - BUT WHEN YOU SEE THE FIRST BEARD ON TELEMACHUS' CHEEK, THEN GIVE ME UP FOR DEAD, PERFORM MY RITES, AND CHOOSE ANOTHER.". HIS VOICE BROKE, HE WAS CRYING TOO, AND THAT MADE ME FEEL MORE AFRAID.
"CHOOSE ANOTHER HUSBAND," HE CONTINUED. "YOU MUST DO THIS FOR ME, I WOULD NOT WISH YOU UNHAPPY FOR ALL YOUR LIFE." I JUST NODDED AND CRIED. I WILL NOT WRITE IN THIS DIARY FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK. I AM SPENDING EVERY MOMENT OF IT WITH MY HUSBAND. I CANNOT LET HIM GO!!! MAY THE GODS WATCH OVER US AND FAVOR US, HIM ESPECIALLY. PENELOPE
