SEPTEMBER 2

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BELIEVE, BUT IT HAS HAPPENED. ODYSSEUS IS GONE! HE LEFT LATE LAST NIGHT, AFTER WE HAD ALL EATEN DINNER. HE BARELY SAID GOODBYE, JUST WAVED TO THE REST OF THE PEOPLE, KISSED TELEMACHUS AND ME, AND THEN LEFT.

I COULD HEAR HIM JOKING WITH THE MEN AS HE WENT, LOOKING FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A SOLDIER, BUT I THOUGHT I SAW A SAD LOOK IN HIS EYES AS HE SAID FAREWELL. CURSE HELEN - NO MATTER WHY SHE LEFT HER HUSBAND, IT HAS TORN ME FROM MY HUSBAND AS WELL, AND THE SAME FOR HUNDREDS OF OTHER WOMEN.

A FEW DAYS AGO, I ASKED MY HUSBAND WHY I COULD NOT GO ALONG. HE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS MY DUTY TO TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE, PROTECT TELEMACHUS, AND MANAGE THE SERVANTS. HE SAID THAT A WOMAN SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FIGHT, AND I COULD NOT GO TO TROY BECAUSE ONLY SOLDIERS WERE GOING. "WHAT ABOUT ATALANTA?" I ASKED. BUT I WAS ONLY BEING STUBBORN, AS I AM WONT TO BE SOMETIMES, FOR I KNEW IN MY HEART THAT I COULD NOT GO.

I HAVE ENJOYED THIS LAST WEEK WITH ALL MY HEART, TRYING IN VAIN TO FORGET WHAT THEY WOULD CULMINATE IN. BUT I DID EVERYTHING THAT I COULD WITH ODYSSEUS. WE PLAYED WITH TELEMACHUS, TALKED FOR HOURS, ATE HUGE FEASTS FOR NO REASON, VISITED LAERTES AND ANTICLEIA, ODYSSEUS' PARENTS, WANDERED IN THE WOODS TO PICK BERRIES, WENT TO THE BEACH AND WADED IN THE COOL WATER. WE DID EVERYTHING WE'VE EVER ENJOYED TOGETHER.

AND YET IT WASN'T ENOUGH, AND I STILL MISS HIM SO TERRIBLY. HE WAS EVEN KINDER AND WISER AND MORE HANDSOME DURING THAT BEAUTIFUL, TERRIBLE WEEK THAN HE WAS AT ANY OTHER TIME. TODAY I WENT BACK TO THE BEACH BY MYSELF AND STARED AT THE OPEN SEA HE VANISHED ON. I HAVEN'T BEEN IN A SHIP SINCE I CAME HERE, AND I CANNOT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT IS LIKE.

AFTER I HAD LOOKED OUT AT THE OCEAN AND HEARD THE CRASHING LONELY SOUND OF WAVES FOR ALMOST A FULL HOUR I WENT TO THE BEAUTIFUL CAVES SACRED TO THE NYMPHS. I STOOD BEFORE THE ENTRANCE ONLY IMMORTALS COULD USE, AND PRAYED ONCE MORE THAT THE WAR WOULD END QUICKLY - BEFORE THE YEAR IS UP, AND ODYSSEUS RETURN SAFELY HOME.

AND THEN I SAT AND CRIED, DRIED MY TEARS, AND WENT HOME UP THE LONG PATH TO WRITE THIS. AS A RESULT OF WALKING DOWN HERE SO MANY TIMES THIS LAST WEEK, I AM BECOMING QUITE FIT. PENELOPE

SEPTEMBER 14

I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A WHILE, BEING EITHER TOO BUSY OR TO SORROWFUL. I HOPE WRITING CAN LIFT MY SPIRITS, AS MY TROUBLE FLOW FROM MY HEART ONTO THIS PAPER. I HAVE SPENT THE PAST DAYS VERY UNPRODUCTIVELY, I'M AFRAID.

IN THE MORNING, I AM BUSIER THAN AT ANY OTHER TIME AND I AM ALMOST HAPPY - I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ODYSSEUS. IN FACT, I CAN'T. EVERYTHING IS SO HECTIC AND I'M FLYING ABOUT EVERYWHERE. I HAVE TO MANAGE ALL THE SERVANTS NOW, AS WELL AS THE GOATHERD (MELANTHIUS, THAT FOOL), SWINEHERD(EUMAEUS), AND COWHERD(PHOILOETIUS).

I ALSO MUST TAKE CARE OF ALL THE DOMESTIC ISSUES ODYSSEUS DEALT WITH. I MUST TALK TO THE FARMERS AND MEDIATE QUARRELS AND GENERALLY CODDLE, TAKE CARE OF, AND BE A PARENT TO ALL THE PEOPLE OF ITHACA.

IT'S VERY CONFUSING, BUT LUCKILY WISE OLD LAERTES AND HIS WIFE KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING AND ARE HELPING ME OUT AS MUCH AS THEY CAN; WITH THEIR ASSISTANCE I CAN MANAGE. THANK THE GODS NO ONE HAS ASKED ME TO HOLD A TOWN MEETING!

BUT WHEN THESE TASKS ARE OVER, IT IS TIME FOR ME TO WEAVE. THE TROUBLE WITH WEAVING IS THAT IT IS WORK PRIMARILY FOR THE HANDS, AND SO LEAVES THE MIND FREE TO WANDER. NOW, ORDINARILY THAT WOULD BE AN ADVANTAGE, BUT NOT WHEN I AM TRYING SO HARD NOT TO THINK OF ODYSSEUS GONE. I HAVE ENDED MY WEAVING SESSIONS BY WEEPING ON MY BED UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP. ACTORIS HAS BEEN FORCED TO FINISH ALL MY WORK, WHICH SHE PATIENTLY BEARS WITHOUT COMPLAINING.

WHEN I WAKE, I FEEL BETTER AND HAVE THE DESIRE TO BE USEFUL. I EAT AN AFTERNOON MEAL, AND THEN FIND TELEMACHUS WITH EITHER EURYCLEIA OR HIS WET NURSE AND PLAY WITH HIM, HIS LITTLE FIVE-MONTH-OLD FACE SHINING WITH HAPPINESS UNTIL HE FALLS ASLEEP IN MY ARMS. AFTER THIS, I EAT DINNER AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP. GOING TO SLEEP GENERALLY TAKES HOURS; I HATE BEING ALONE, AND MY COMFORTABLE ROOM IS SUDDENLY DARK, COLD, AND FORBIDDING.

WHEN I FINALLY DO SLEEP I HAVE NIGHTMARES, IN WHICH AGAMEMNON, CAPTAIN OF THE GREEK FORCES, COMES AND TELLS ME THAT ODYSSEUS IS DEAD. THE CAUSE FOR HIS DEATH IS ALWAYS SILLY TO CONTEMPLATE WHEN I WAKE UP - AN APPLE FALLS DIRECTLY ON HIS HEAD OR HERA TURNS HIS CHARIOT INTO A PEACOCK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT IN MY DREAMS IT SEEMS SO TERRIBLE AND REAL. AND I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THAT ORACLE'S PREDICTION ABOUT MY HUSBAND BEING LOST AT SEA FOR TWENTY YEARS. IT CANNOT BE TRUE. THE GODS MUST SURELY LOVE ODYSSEUS AS I DO. GOOD NIGHT, IF SUCH AS THING COULD BE SAID ABOUT TONIGHT. HOW MUST MENELAUS FEEL? HE IS ALSO ALONE, BUT IT HIS WIFE DESERTED HIM. BUT, AH, HE IS A MAN, AND CAN GO FIGHT TO WIN HER BACK WHILE I AM LEFT AT HOME WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT MANAGE THINGS! PENELOPE NOVEMBER 13

IT HAS BEEN NEARLY TWO MONTHS SINCE I LAST WROTE, BUT I SIMPLY HAVE NOT HAD EITHER THE TIME OR MOTIVATION TO SET MY THOUGHTS DOWN. I AM EVEN BUSIER THAN THE LAST TIME I WROTE. I CRY NO LONGER, THOUGH MY HEART CONSTANTLY ACHES FOR MY POOR HUSBAND? WHAT IS HE DOING NOW?

IS HE SITTING IN HIS TENT, LONGING FOR ME? IS HE WITH ALL THE OTHER SOLDIERS, JESTING AND MERRY AND FORGETTING ME? IS HE FIGHTING RIGHT NOW, HIS ARMOR COVERED IN CRIMSON BLOOD? HAS HE ALREADY DIED? DOES HE LIE ON THE GROUND UNMISSED, OR HAVE HIS RITES BEEN PERFORMED? I CROSSED THOSE LAST LINES OUT, IN WORRY THAT PONDERING THOSE THINGS WILL MAKE THEM COME TRUE. BUT DOES HE MISS ME THE WAY I MISS HIM RIGHT NOW? NO MORE, I WILL NOT THINK OF IT.

AS I SAID, I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY. MORE AND MORE, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN COMING TO ME FROM ALL OVER ITHACA WITH THE PROBLEMS THEY ONCE ASKED ODYSSEUS FOR HELP ABOUT. I STILL NEED LAERTES' AND ANTICLEIA'S GUIDANCE CONSTANTLY, SO THEY STAY WITH ME SOMETIMES IN THE HOUSE. I STILL MUST TELL THE MAIDS WHAT TO DO, AND I AM BACK TO WEAVING FAITHFULLY EVERY DAY. BY THE TIME I DROP INTO MY BED AT NIGHT, I AM USUALLY TOO TIRED TO WRITE, THOUGH NOT TO TIRED TO MOURN FOR ODYSSEUS, AND WISH THAT THE WAR WAS OVER. PENELOPE

DECEMBER 3

WHY AM I WRITING? THERE IS NOTHING TO SAY THAT WOULD NOT BE REPEATING MYSELF! MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, POINT-BY-POINT: TELEMACHUS IS EIGHT MONTHS OLD HE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL CHILD IN THE WORLD ODYSSEUS HAS BEEN GONE FOR THREE MONTHS NOW. I MISS HIM TERRIBLY. I AM AWFULLY BUSY WITH WORK. NO NEWS HAS COME FROM TROY YET.

SINCE I HAVE TAKEN THE CONSIDERABLE TROUBLE TO FIND PEN, INK, JOURNAL, TIME, AND PRIVACY TO WRITE I AM NOT SATISFIED BY THE SHORT LIST I GAVE, WHICH IS FACTS BUT NOT LIFE. I THOUGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAS HAPPENED OVER THE LAST MONTH, BUT I WOULD BE IN THE UNDERWORLD WITH GRIM PERSEPHONE BY THE TIME I FINISHED WRITING.

BESIDES, MY HAND IS ALREADY CRAMPED AND SORE FROM WEAVING AND DOES NOT WISH TO EXERT ITSELF, WHILE I COULD NOT DICTATE TO A SERVANT BECAUSE I PREFER MY THOUGHTS TO BE KEPT QUIET. THIS, INCIDENTALLY, IS WHY THIS BOOK IS HIDDEN IN AN INCONSPICOUS INCONSPICUOUS LITTLE DRAWER IN AN INCONSPICUOUS LITTLE DRESSER NEXT TO MY BED. SO, I SHALL SIMPLY GIVEN AN ACCOUNT OF MY DAY.

I WOKE EARLY THIS MORNING, EARLIER THAN I USUALLY DO. ODYSSEUS ALWAYS LIKED TO RISE LATE AND GO TO SLEEP LATE, WHILE I PREFER THE OPPOSITE; TO RISE EARLY AND SLEEP EARLY. WHILE HE WAS HERE I ALWAYS DID WHAT HE DID, NOW I HAVE THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE, THOUGH IT MAKES ME FEEL ALMOST DISLOYAL.

STILL, I WOULD GIVE UP ANYTHING TO HAVE HIM BACK. HE WAS A PERFECT MAN, NEAR THE THRESHOLD THAT SEPARATES HUMANS FROM GODS. HE WAS SO HANDSOME, SO INTELLIGENT, SO KIND, AND SO HONORABLE. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER MAN LIKE HIM, SAVE FOR TELEMACHUS, WHO WILL BE RAISED TO FOLLOW IN HIS FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS. PENELOPE

DECEMBER 15

NEWS FROM TROY! A TRADER PASSING BY TROY AND NOW ITHACA BRINGS IT TO US. WHEN WE HAD BOUGHT A SUFFICIENT AMOUNT OF WARES FROM HIM, HE TOLD US EVERYTHING. TROY STILL STANDS, BUT IT IS PROPHESIED THAT IT WILL SOON FALL. THEN HE TOLD US THE FATE OF THE MEN. THE LIST OF DEAD IS HORRENDOUS, THOUGH I CANNOT REMEMBER ANY NAMES, JUST THE MAN'S DRY NASAL VOICE SPEAKING NAMES: THIS MAN, AND THAT MAN. SOME WERE FROM ITHACA.

THE ELDERLY, CHILDREN, AND WOMEN WEPT AND WAILED WHEN THEY HEARD THE NAME OF A LOVED ONE ANNOUNCED. MOST STILL TRIED TO BELIEVE THEY HAD MISHEARD, OR THAT THE TRADER HAD GOTTEN THE WRONG NAME. BUT THEY KNEW THAT THEY WERE LYING TO THEMSELVES.

GIVEN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, I KNOW THAT I SHOULD NOT BE REJOICING, BUT I AM! ODYSSEUS IS ALIVE, AND MUCH REGARDED AMONG THE SOLDIERS. THE TRADER SPOKE TO HIM, IT SEEMS, AND HE SAID THAT EVERY WAKING MOMENT HE MISSES ME, LONGS TO SEE ME.

AN EXAGGERATION, I AM SURE, BUT I AM WALKING ON AIR. SOON MY BELOVED HUSBAND WILL BE HOME! HE HAS NOT PERISHED IN BATTLE! I GO BACK HOME TO SPREAD THE GOOD NEWS, AND THE BAD. PENELOPE

FEBRURARY 16

FIVE MONTHS SINCE ODYSSEUS LEFT, AND THOUGH I STILL MISS HIM, AND SOMETIMES CRY, I AM FAR BETTER, ESPECIALLY KNOWING THAT HE WILL SOON BE HOME. NEWS FROM TROY IS GOOD, LIFE IS THE SAME AS IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN. TELEMACHUS IS TEN MONTHS OLD AND WONDERFUL, HE NOW GURGLES NONSENSE AT WHOEVER COMES TO SEE HIM, SWEET LITTLE SOUNDS. ODYSSEUS WOULD LOVE HIM. PENELOPE

APRIL 16

IT IS TELEMACHUS' FIRST BIRTHDAY, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME I WAS HAPPY. THE ATMOSPHERE HERE WAS FESTIVE, AND MY SON HIMSELF GLEEFUL. THEN CAME BITTERSWEETNESS, FOR I WISHED THAT ODYSSEUS WAS HERE TO CELEBRATE HERE WITH US. TELEMACHUS BARELY KNOWS HIM. I KNOW HIM VERY WELL, AND AM STILL MISSING HIM. HOW HAPPY IT WOULD BE TO FIND MYSELF A CHILD ONCE MORE! WE OFFERED UP LIBATIONS TO THE GODS TODAY TO CELEBRATE. PENELOPE

JUNE 23

THE WAR IS OVER! ONE OF THE EARLIER DEPARTING SHIPS ARRIVED, BRINGING NEWS. TROY WAS SET ABLAZE AND HELEN RETURNED, THANKS TO ODYSSEUS' CLEVERNESS. HE HAD OUR GREEK FORCES PRETEND TO LEAVE, AND LEAVE A LARGE STATUE OF A HORSE AS A GIFT TO POSEIDON.

THE TROJANS, BARBARIC AS THEY SEEM TO BE, TOOK THE OFFERING FOR THEMSELVES, AND WENT TO SLEEP, THINKING THAT THEY HAD WON. BUT WARRIORS WERE HIDING INSIDE THE HORSE! THEY RANSACKED THE TROJAN CITY, AND NOW ODYSSEUS WILL BE COMING HOME WITH ALL THE GREAT LEADERS - THOSE WHO STILL SURVIVED THAT IS.

AJAX, ACHILLES, PATROCLUS, AND COUNTLESS OTHERS ARE DEAD. BUT HE IS RETURNING HOME ALONG WITH MENELAUS AND AGAMEMNON. THEY ARE DUE TO ARRIVE WITHIN TWO MONTHS, IF THE FAVORABLE WINDS LAST. PENELOPE

AUGUST 14

ODYSSEUS IS DUE TO ARRIVE AT ANY DAY NOW. IN PREPARATION, I HAVE MADE THE HOUSE SPOTLESSLY TIDY. GARLANDS OF FRESH FLOWERS LINE THE GLEAMING MANTELS. GOATS, PIGS, AND CATTLE HAVE BEEN SLAUGHTERED AND WE ARE SIMPLY WAITING TO SEE THE SHIPS BEFORE WE START COOKING UP A BANQUET.

WHAT WILL I DO WHEN FIRST I SEE THAT BLACK SHIP COMING TOWARDS US? I WILL MAKE READY THE HOUSE, AND HURRY OUT WITH THE TOWNSPEOPLE OF ITHACA TO GREET HIM AND THE OTHER MEN. I WILL LET THE OTHER PEOPLE TALK TO HIM FIST, AND EURYCLEIA, ANTICLEIA, AND LAERTES. I WILL SHOW HIM HOW FINE AND STRONG TELEMACHUS IS AND HOW HE IS JUST BEGINNING TO WALK. THEN WE WILL GO UPSTAIRS TO OUR ROOM AND TALK FOR HOURS. MY PILLOW WILL BE WET WITH TEARS OF JOY, NOT GRIEF. AND IN THE MORNING, ALL WILL BE RIGHT. I LIKE HANDLING DISPUTES, THOUGH. MAYBE I CAN HELP EVEN AFTER HE COMES BACK. PENELOPE AUGUST 20

WHERE IS ODYSSEUS? FOR DAYS I HAVE NEGLECTED MY DUTIES AND SAT BY THE HARBOR, WATCHING, WAITING FOR HIM. THE MEATS ARE BEING DRIED NOW. THE GARLANDS OF FLOWERS ARE WILTING. THE HOUSE IS ACCUMULATING DUST. WHERE IS HE? PENELOPE

SEPTEMBER 1

HE IS LATE, BUT HE WILL COME HOME ANY DAY NOW! MENELAUS AND AGAMEMNON ARE HOME! WHERE IS HE? THE HOUSE IS BACK TO ITS USUAL STATE, THE MEAT EATEN. WE HAVE THROWN THE FLOWERS OUT. I HAVE NOT TOUCHED MY LOOM FOR TWO WEEKS. WHY HASN'T HE COME HOME? WHY? OH POSEIDON, LORD OF THE SEA, SPEED MY HUSBAND HOME TO ME. PENELOPE

SEPTEMBER 19

I AM DESPONDENT, AND RIGHT NOW NOTHING IS RIGHT IN MY EYES. THE MAIDS ARE CLUMSY, EURYCLEIA BOSSY, DOLIUS THE MANSERVANT AND LAERTES DODDERING OLD FOOLS. MY WEAVING LOOKS LIKE RAGS. THE FOOD TASTES LIKE DUST. WILL ODYSSEUS EVER COME BACK? MANY DIE AT SEA. WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO HIM? POSSIBILITIES:

HE TARRIED LONG AT A VISITOR'S HOUSE AND WILL COME HOME LADEN WITH GUEST GIFTS AND APOLOGIES. UNLIKELY, SOMEONE WOULD HAVE SENT WORD. HE WAS LOST FOR A WHILE, BUT HAS FOUND HIS WAY BACK. UNLIKELY, HE IS A FAMOUS NAVIGATOR. HE STAYED LONG AT TROY TO COLLECT HIS TREASURES AND LOAD THEM. IMPOSSIBLE, HE LEFT WITH MENELAUS, WHO IS NOW HOME. A GOD HAS DETAINED HIM OR KILLED HIM. UNLIKELY, HE ALWAYS MAKES PROPER SACRIFICES AND IS FAVORED BY ALL THE GODS, ESPECIALLY PALLAS ATHENA. HE WAS KILLED DURING THE SACK OF TROY. IMPOSSIBLE, THANK THE GODS, FOR THE SAME REASON AS #3.

I CAN THINK OF ONLY ONE OTHER POSSIBILITY, WHICH IS THAT THE PROPHESY IS CORRECT, THE ONE THAT SAYS HE WILL WANDER AROUND FOR TWENTY YEARS AND COME BACK UNKNOWN. IT IS A HIDEOUS THOUGHT BUT HAS ONE ADVANTAGE; IT IS BETTER THAN BELIEVING HE IS DEAD. PENELOPE

SEPTEMBER 21

HIPPODAMIA FOUND MY DIARY! SHE READ IT, TOO, AND LAUGHED ABOUT IT! HOW DARE SHE DO THIS!? I WOULD FIRE HER, IF SHE WAS NOT SUCH A CAPABLE MAID. BUT I DARE NOT CONTINUE THIS, IF I AM TO HAVE NO PRIVACY. I AM HIDING IT, AND WILL NEVER LOOK AT IT AGAIN. HIPPODAMIA, MAY ALL THE GODS CURSE YOU! HOW COULD YOU LAUGH AT MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS? THAT IS WHY I AM HIDING IT IN A VERY SECRET SPOT - UNDER MY BED, UNDERNEATH AN OLD TATTERED RUG. THE RUG IS LUMPY ANYHOW, AND SO IT DOES NOT SHOW. IT IS ALSO PROTECTED FROM THE RAIN, SO IT SHALL NOT GET MILDEWED AND STINK THE ENTIRE PLACE WITH HIDEOUS STENCH. GOODBYE. PENELOPE