Rabukome
Chapter 4 - When Confronting the Tanuki

author's notes:
minna, I hope that you're still with me in this fic, I'm so sorry if it's taking me this long to finish the story. we are nearing our finals week and I'm super busy trying to get all our past lessons into my dulling brain. anyway, I'm supposed to be reviewing, but I figured I needed a break, and so I decided against my schedule and write this bit. I hope you enjoy this one. ja!


Chapter 4
Confronting the Tanuki

The drenched men slowly made their way towards Tokyo town proper as they were expected to report to Saitou immediately as soon as they arrive. They had tried to deny the defeat and were mostly in the state of denial. Hiko had been grumbling all the while, something about teaching women on how to treat a real man. Shinamori didn't look too happy either. Yahiko had managed to get his clothes to dry, well almost. Most of them were still dripping wet and they were expecting a brief "Ahou" form Saitou and then they would be all dismissed. It was a particularly big blow to them when they found a crowd of unruly, noisy men at the door of the police station, with a very, very angry Saitou shouting orders.

SAITOU: (upon seeing them) Ahou! What happened to all of you? Fell on a puddle?

AOSHI: (giving him a cold stare) No. What is going on here? (ignoring the question)

SAITOU: No? You all look like hell. I asked you a question Shinamori, didn't I? What sort of mindless activity did you decide to do that you came here half an hour late?

AOSHI: We had a...run in.

SAITOU: I see, with the females again. No doubt.

AOSHI: Yes, them. I asked a question too didn't I? (challenging him)

SAITOU: Oh, about this. (sweeping his arm around the men trying to get into the station) Himura Tanuki is holding a legion of women inside and is refusing to open the door. Do you have any idea how dangerous your wife is?

KENSHIN: (smiling) Aa. That she is, de gozaru. (trying to peer inside, smiling only after catching a glimpse of Kaoru standing by the window, her back to him) Is she with the rest of the girls?

SAITOU: You mean the Fox, the Weasel and the whole other herd of idiotic women?

Everyone nodded

SAITOU: Yes. They are all inside.

YAHIKO: And why are they here?

SAITOU: Trying on silk kimonos of different colors and designs. (Yahiko glares at him and Saitou lets out a suffered sigh) Apparently, Tanuki has the gift of women...Moral chaos and had managed to share it with the rest of the population.

HIKO: Meaning, she's holding the station and you can't do anything about it? I, a true master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu, duly invested with extraordinary powers to protect the State in the present emergency, will solve this.

Hiko gets within the immediate vicinity, opens his mouth to say something but is instantly drenched form head to toe as someone from inside threw a pitcher of water at him.

OKINA: (smiling slyly) Oh that's a great job...

HIKO: YARUSENAI!!!!! MY MANTLE!!! MY HAIR!!! They ruined it!!!

CHOU: (whispering to himself) My reputation....

Everyone turns their back and ignores him.

SAITOU: (looking at Kenshin) Why don't you get her to open the door. I'm sure she'll warm up to you. You haven't seen her for what? Three months?

KENSHIN: Iie. I believe that even I can't control Kaoru's decision. Besides, I have no wish of taking her out forcedly. (he said turning, watching with Hiko with undeniable satisfaction.) And, I like to see you top that...(nodding at the direction of an enraged Hiko, being held by dozens of men as he tries to get into the door)

YAHIKO: That ought to teach Hiko a lesson.

CHOU: Which is?

AOSHI: (quietly) Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned.

EVERYONE: Oh.... (nodding in understanding)

SAITOU: (throwing Kenshin a disgusted look) Fine. (turns toward the men holding on to Hiko) Get him outta here. (shouts at another batch as the first troop drag Hiko out of the way) Well, no profit in standing around. Bring the crowbars! I'll jack these women back on their pedestals....

MEN: And into the BEDROOMS!!!!

Loud cheering from everyone. Kenshin stands back, watching with mild curiosity. He has only eyes for one girl and she is still inside.

SAITOU: Faster you jackass! Wipe that thirst off your face. I said crowbars!

Several dozens of men with crowbars from a line in front of the locked door.

SAITOU: All right men, all together. Shove those bars underneath the gate and HEAVE! (Grabbing a crowbar) I'll take this side. And now, lets root them out men. ROOT them out! One...two...

The door suddenly burst open, disclosing Kaoru. She is perfectly composed and bears her wooden shinai. Saitou and the rest of his men fall back in consternation.

KAORU: Why the moving equipment? I'm quite well motivated, thank you and here I am. Frankly, you don't need crowbars nearly as much as brains.

OMASU: (squeezing in beside Hiko, holding a pitcher) Is Hiko-chan all right?

SAITOU: (barking) He's fine. (turning at Kaoru) And brains? O name of infamy. Somebody get me a policeman. Arrest that woman!

Kenshin snaps into attention.

KAORU: (brandishing her shinai as someone approach her) If he lays a finger at me, he'll rue the day he joined the force.

The man backs down. Kenshin relaxes immediately, a smile lingering on his face.

SAITOU: What's this -- retreat? Never! Take her on the flank! (The first man hangs back, Saitou garbs another man) Help him! Will the two of you kindly tie her up!

Kenshin eyes slowly turn into amber, watching the two men with keenness. Saitou shoves the them towards Kaoru. Misao suddenly appears with her bunch of kunais. Aoshi suddenly gets interested.

MISAO: If you so much as touch her, I'll stomp the shit right out of you!

CHOU: (To Aoshi) Pretty scary.

YAHIKO: (nodding thoughtfully) Colorful vocabulary too.

AOSHI:....

The two men run back to their group.

SAITOU: Kuso! Shameless! Where's another cop? (grabs another cop within his range and propels him towards Misao) Handcuff her first. Can't stand a foul-mouthed female!

OKINA: My Misao! Don't touch her you....you...

Aoshi watch them with his cold blue eyes, if the cop had seen his look he would've back down on his own. He starts to go towards Misao when Megumi, holding a real nasty looking syringe steps into the scene.

MEGUMI: If you lay a finger on her, (looks at the poor guy as fox ears suddenly sprouts) you won't be able to stop the swelling! (foxy laughter)

The third guy dodges at her swing and runs back at the group.

SAITOU: Now what? Where's an officer? (pushing a fourth officer towards Megumi) Apprehend that woman! I'll see that somebody stays to take the blame!)

Tae and Sae emerge from inside carrying a huge pot followed by Okon and Omasu.

OKON: If you go near that girl....

OMASU: I'll rip the hair....

TAE: Out of your head!

SAE: Ha! Take that!

The fourth officer retreats hurriedly.

SAITOU: What a colossal mess! Tokyo's finest -- finished! (shouts at his men) Now, men a little courage...or I'll have your heads at my dinner table... Reform that thin red line. NOW! (he roars and the men quickly line up) Ready? CHARGE! (He pushes ahead of them)

KAORU: I warn you. We have four battalions behind us!

YAHIKO: She's bluffing right....

KAORU: Full-armed combatant infantry women, trained from cradle....

CHOU: Yup, bluffing all right....

KAORU: MOBILIZE THE RESERVES! ( a horde of women, armed with every imaginable household articles, begins to pour out from the station)

YAHIKO: O - kay. Definitely not a bluff. Have you seen so many females in your whole life acting like total Neanderthals?

OKINA: Oh, I'm so proud! Look, there's Okon looking like a total warrior, and Misao and Omasu and see, even sweet little Tsubame....

YAHIKO: WHAT? (looks around and sees Tsubame with a pitcher in hand) I...am...going...to...

(Yahiko faints and falls flat on the ground. Kenshin is quick to take him up)

YAHIKO: UHHH...tell me this isn't happening....Busu....I'll get her for this.....

KAORU: Onward, you ladies form the kitchen! Forward, you market-discount crazy militia, you battle hardened bargain hunters, old sales campaigners, grocery veterans. You troop of the breadline, doughgirls....INTO THE FRAY! Show them no mercy! Push! Jostle! Shove! Call them nasty names....(whispering) Don't be lady like!
(The women charge and rout Saitou's troop in short order) Fall back -- don't strip the enemy! The day is ours!(the women obey and the men run off left. Saitou, dazed, is left muttering to himself)

SAITOU: Gross ineptitude. A sorry day for the Force.

KAORU: Of course. What did you expect? Were not slaves; we're freeborn Women and when we're scorned , we're full of fury. Never underestimate the Power of a Woman.

SAITOU: Power? You mean capacity.

AOSHI: We should have remembered the proverb: The lower the tavern, the higher the dungeon.

YAHIKO: HUH?

OKINA: (sarcastic) Why cast your pearls before a swine. I know you're a civil servant now, but don't over do it.

HIKO: Have you forgotten the bath they gave us -- in public....

CHOU: fully dressed....

YAHIKO: totally soapless?

One of the men blow at Sae who dodges and raise her pitcher

SAE: I might point out that lifting one's hand against a neighbor is scarcely civilized behavior --
TAE: And entails, for the lifter, a black eye.

TSUBAME: I'm really peaceful by nature, compulsively inoffensive -- a perfect doll. My ideal is a well bred repose that doesn't even stir up dust...(swinging the pitcher) unless some no-good, lowlife tries to get into trouble with me and gets my dander up!


YAHIKO: Oh, Kaoru! What have you done?

OKINA: Oh my! What is the use of this constant abuse? How do we deal with this female zoo? Is there no solution to Total Immersion (eyeing the pitcher closely) What can a poor man do?

HIKO: (to Saitou) Scrutinize those women! Scour their dispositions. Masculine honor demands this affair to be probed to the bottom! (to Kenshin) I knew she was trouble!

SAITOU: (turning to the women) All right, you. Kindly inform me, dammit, in your own words: What possible object could you have had in blocking the police station?

KAORU: We thought we'd deposit some women here and withdraw the men from the war.

SAITOU: Ahou Tanuki! We are not the cause of war, its those dammed rebels. (Kaoru crosses her arms and remain silent) And what is your next step?

KAORU: Stupid question. We'll get this war over and done with.

SAITOU: You'll finish the war?

KAORU: Why should you find that so shocking? Besides who needs the war effort?

HIKO: Every patriot who pulses to save all the Mother Japan holds near and dear...

KAORU: Oh, that! Don't worry. We'll save you.

AOSHI: You will save us?

MISAO: Who else?

YAHIKO: Ha-ha! That's real funny.

TSUBAME: You seemed disturbed. This makes it difficult. But, still -- we'll save you.

OKINA: Doubtless illegal.

OKON&OMASU: We deem it a duty. For friendship's sake.

SAITOU: We'll forsake this friend: I DO NOT WANT TO BE SAVED, DAMMIT! (Tokio suddenly emerges from behind and Saitou's demeanor changers. He opens his mouth to say something but close it shut and tried not to look too surprised)

TOKIO: All the more reason. It's not only the men; now we have to save you from you.

SAITOU: (glaring at Tokio then back at Kaoru) You got her into this, didn't you?

KAORU: I'll have you know that she came here on her own. What's the matter Saitou-san, can't stand the fact that your wife has also taken the oath with us.

SAITOU: (frowning) Might I ask where you women conceived this concern about war and peace?

MISAO: Oh, really stupid question. We happen to live with war heroes and legends, nevertheless, we shall explain.

YAHIKO: Hurry up won't you Weasel girl. I'm sure Kenshin and Aoshi are dying to hear.

KAORU: Then listen. And do try to keep your hands to yourselves.

SAITOU: (Moving threateningly towards her) I can't Righteous anger forbids restraints and decrees...

(Megumi moves in between them, this time with Sano's zanza resting on her back)

KENSHIN: ORO! Where did she get that?

MEGUMI: decrees what? MULTIPLE FRACTURES?

SAITOU: (retreating) Keep that thing to yourself, you old crow!

MEGUMI: (to Kaoru) What did he called me? Can I just please....(Kaoru shakes her head and Megumi sighs dejectedly. Turns at Saitou) You old COCKROACH!!!! (then gets behind Kaoru)

SAITOU: This is your army? Really, I have never seen anything more childish than that. She probably got it from staying with Sagara. And where is that old fool by the way? He was in charge here. I should've known he'll mess things up. (sighing) All right tanuki, I'm ready. Speak-up

KAORU: Ok. When the war began, like prudent dutiful wives that we are....

YAHIKO: PRUDENT?

KAORU: Shut up kid. (bops him in the head) Anyway, as I was saying, we tolerated you men and endured your actions in silence.

OKINA: Silence? Why Misao-chan never quit her wailing night and day when she heard that Aoshi has to go to war....(kunais wheezes pass his head) or was it the other way around?

TOKIO: You were not precisely the answer to a woman's prayer -- we knew you too well and found out more. Too many times, as we sat in the house, we'd hear that you'd done it again -- manhandled another affair of state with your usual staggering incompetence. Then masking our worry with a nervous laugh, we'd ask you brightly, 'How was the assembly today dear?' Anything about peace?'

TAE: And my husband would give his stock reply, 'What's that to you. Shut up!' And I did.

KAORU: (proudly) I NEVER shut up.

YAHIKO: Geesh, Kaoru, we already know that ok?

TOKIO: Regardless, I shut up. And then we'd learn that you passed another decree, fouler than the first and we'd ask again, 'Darling, how did you manage anything so idiotic?'

SAE: And my husband with his customary glare, would tell me to check the daikons or wash the dishes.

SAITOU: Apt and irrefutably right.

KAORU: Right, you miserable misfits? To keep us from giving you advice while you fumble with the city? Right indeed! But this time was really too much.

OKON: Wherever we went, we'd hear you engaged in the same conversation: 'What Japan needs is a Man'

OMASU: But there isn't a Man in the country.

OKON: You can say that again!

MISAO: There was obviously no time to lose. We women met in immediate convention and passed a unanimous resolution....

MEGUMI: To work in concern for the safety and Peace of Tokyo and the rest of the cities. We have valuable advice to impart, and if you can possibly deign to emulate our silence, and take your turn as audiences, we'll rectify you -- we'll straighten you out and set you right.

SAITOU: You'll set us right? You go to far. I cannot permit such a statement to...

KAORU: Hush.

SAITOU: I categorically decline to HUSH for some confounded woman who wears -- as a constant reminder of congenital inferiority, an injunction to public silence -- a colorful, sakura prints obi!

HIKO: death before such dishonor!

KAORU: If that's the only obstacle...(removing her obi) I feel you need one Saitou-san, so take the obi, my dear and drape it thus (she winds the obi around Saitou's startled head, Misao and Megumi with combs and hair ornament rush forward and assist) and HUSH!

MISAO: (to Okina) Accept I pray this humble comb.

MEGUMI: (To Chou) Receive this hair ornament as well.

KAORU: Hike up your skirts and card your kimonos and cook all the onigiri you want -- and stay at home!

Saitou struggles to remove the obi

KAORU: Women, weaker vessels, arise! Put down your pitchers. It's our turn now. Let's supply our friends with some moral support.

MEGUMI: Oh yes! A tally of talents convinces me that we are giants of excellence. To commence: There's BEAUTY....

OKON: DUTY....

OMASU: PRUDENCE....

TAE: SCIENCE....

SAE: SELF-RELIANCE....

MISAO: COMPLIANCE....

TSUBAME: DEFIANCE....

KAORU: And LOVE of TOKYO in balance alliance with COMMON SENSE! C'mmon girls, we've settled this with the authorities. Now they know never to mess up with us. Let's go home and wait for this blasted men and we'll crack them with desire....

SAITOU: That's quite a mouthful. There is no way you can say no to your husbands. How will you win against us?

KAORU: First, we intend to withdraw that crazy Army of yours out of downtown shopping section.

TAE: Oh great! The pottery shop, grocery stall are over stocked with soldiers, clanking around armed to the teeth for battle.

HIKO: A hero is always prepared!

KAORU: Well, I suppose he is. But it does look silly to shop for sardines from behind a shield.

MISAO: I'll second that!

SAITOU: I admit that for the moment, the affairs of the state are in one hell of a snarl. But how can you straight them out?

KAORU: Simplicity itself.

SAITOU: Pray demonstrate.

KAORU: You'll see Saitou-san. (winks at him) C'mmon girls. Lets get into plan B.

KENSHIN: What is plan B Koiishi?

KAORU: Well, I'm not supposed to tell, but...we're going to stay in one place for the rest of the night, so that we will be able to...um...hold on to our vows. But if you come and fetch me, I'll certainly go home with you....

KENSHIN: Hai de gozaru. I'm looking forward to it.

KAORU: Alright everyone, let's get going....

And in a flash, everyone is with their respective pairs, saying goodbye and like Kaoru, telling their husbands to come and fetch her later on.

The women leave while the men stay back, ready to face Saitou's rants.


short note: well I hope everyone enjoyed this one. please feel free to send me your comments and suggestions and FLAMES. thank you for the reviews. keep them coming. thanks again for reading! to chapter 5, anyone?