Dear Knives,

Is it ok if I start this letter this way? I don't want to offend you or anything, but it is a typical salutation, and I'd be lying if I said that you weren't dear to me. That, and I spent five minutes trying to think of some other way to start it and came up with nothing. So I stopped procrastinating, and you are a dear. Dear. My dear one.

I'm very sorry to do this, and in such a cowardly way, but if I said I was leaving to your face, you wouldn't let me. So I'm leaving while you sleep, and making sure you sleep long enough for me to leave. I'm not taking chances; you're a dicey guy to know, and unless I make certain that I can leave I am sure you would find some way to make me stay. And I really have to go.

I don't want to go, I hate leaving you, but I'm… losing pieces of myself staying here. You know that I died before I came here, and that I was basically tortured to death. You know, that's not something you just get over in a few days, or weeks, or months. I'm hoping it won't take years… but I don't know. I feel… fractured inside, broken into little pieces, and I can feel the bits slipping away as I stay here.

It's… all of this is too perfect, but it's a very superficial perfection. I love you, but I can't trust you. If I let you know where I'm weak, I know you'll use it against me. And… I just can't live that way at the moment. And I know that you don't trust me, either. I don't blame you; I haven't been very forthcoming. There is a lot you don't know about me, and I don't mean about my past. I mean about the person I am now, why I act the way I do, think the way I do.

I am a seriously messed up individual. Birth to death, I can easily say that my life sucked. And you don't get to just walk away from your life and say that since it's over you're free. I was shaped by some of the most horrible things that can ever happen to a person. It isn't a pretty shape.

I am not a good person. I'm violent, I have a horrible temper, I'm very used to getting my own way, I have a tendency towards melodrama, and I am not very trusting of anybody. The only thing that keeps me from being a very bad person is I try very, very hard not to be. But it is hard, and I'm not very good at it.

Um… sorry I shot your leg.

Basically… I'm leaving because I need to figure out who I am now. I did die; this is a fresh start; I have new chances. But I'm still the same broken person inside. I have to…

I'm sorry. I am a fool. But I still need to go.

I made a file that holds almost all I know about tricks. There are a few I will not share. God willing, they die with me. But the rest of them, bar one are in there. And that one… oh, you'll like it. I'm sure.

You see… to keep you from following me, I'm going to put up a barrier around the ship. It's an easy little thing, was actually designed to surround a woman's bathroom. It keeps guys out. Or in your case, it will keep you in. I've left enough clues in the file for you to be able to figure out how to take the barrier down. My guess is it will take you four or five months. Hopefully, by then I'll have come to some sort of terms with this life.

Or, you may decide that I'm not worth your time. We aren't a very well matched couple, that's obvious. You may not want to come after me after the barrier comes down. I guess that's a risk for me, huh? Instead of getting tired of me, that you just realize you just wanted me for what I knew. I guess I'd prefer finding out that way… less painful for me if you just never show up.

But… I will look for you, every day. For the rest of my life, if need be. Because, even though I'm losing myself, I know this.

I love you, Knives. You have my heart, now and always, until the day I die. Right or wrong for each other, good idea or horrible one, I will always love you with every fiber of my being. Always.

I'm sorry I am such a screwed up coward. I understand completely if I never see you again. I hope that someday, though, I will.

Love,

AnneMarie Salome Judith deBelville

aka Kiley

P.S. Is it ok if I say love, too? Because I do love you, plant boy. Screw it. I love you, I'm saying love. Deal with it.

*******************************************************************************

Well, folks, that's it. Story is done. It only took me seven months of nigh-continuous updates, and ended up being 210,000 words. Dang. That's big.

Hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. It was a fun ride, and I could have made it a bit longer… but, I am getting a bit tired of updating everyday. That's a heck of a lot of writing, and no one has really been reviewing lately.

Yes, I am a review whore.

So… I guess it's good bye, now. I might post a bit more, someday. I have a few *honestly* little fics. Those may get written. But for now, I'm just going to relax, remember what life was like before I spent hours writing everyday, and finally, maybe, actually get unpacked from my move. In March.

If you liked this, let me know! (see review whore comment) If you didn't… well, I tried to keep Kiley from being a Mary Sue. She really isn't very much like me at all, except for the stubbornness bit… she's just an obnoxiously capable woman. Which really is why she was the perfect match for Knives.

But since life isn't perfect, and neither is she, she left. Wimp. Coward.

So… you are now spared from my horrible writing. I swear, you guys only liked this because I updated frequently and managed to be coherent.

Ja ne!

Heh heh heh… you guys thought that this was the end? Actually, I'm just going on vacation for a little over a week. The sequel begins when I get back. You aren't done with me quite yet. Sorry 'bout that….