THE MIND OF AN ELF MAIDEN PART SIX

Eloessa sat looking at the door of her bedchamber for several moments after her brother Celemedril closed it behind him. He had spent almost every minute of the past two days here, talking with her and entertaining her. He had spoken of happy times past. He recalled picnics on the banks of the Anduin in spring; boat races between chanting Elves on the moonlit river; lying on the flets amongst the trees as very young children, watching the clouds through the leaves and dreaming of great deeds to be done in the wide world.

Celemedril also talked of their parents, which he almost never did. At last he seemed at peace with their leaving, understanding how one could weary of millennia of existence and desire the renewal to be found across the Sundering Seas. To Eloessa's disordered mind, Celemedril's acceptance sounded like relief their mother and father did not remain to see Eloessa's shameful fate. The subjects he did not mention were Eomeril and the child, except to say he would be leaving soon to find their brother.

In this last meeting, however, he had begged her forgiveness for what he perceived were his sins against her. He had assured her of his love and his protection as long as she needed it. She had looked upon him but could find nothing to say. She knew all the sins were hers.

Finally, because he seemed to need it, she said she forgave him and assured him there was peace between them. He looked relieved and she knew she was another obligation discharged. She had been crossed off the list of things to do in his quest for absolution. He then took his final leave of her before departing on his next task, to find their brother Eomeril.

Eloessa knew Celemedril was somewhat hurt by her distant response to his efforts these last days. But she did not have the words or the energy to explain how remote she felt from everyone and everything around her.

When the Lady Galadriel's relentless efforts had drawn Eloessa back from wandering the dark places of her own mind, Eloessa resented rather than appreciated it. At least while her mind refused to inhabit her body, Eloessa knew a kind of oblivion. There was no pain, no shame, no decisions to be made, and--no child to be dealt with.

When she awakened, Eloessa quickly grasped what had caused the changes in her body while she lay mindless in the great swan bed. She quietly panicked, for she knew as well as her foster mother that no Elf woman conceived who did not desire a child. To her shame and guilt about the attack was added the ultimate horror that she, of all Elf women to suffer thus, must have been so dishonorably weak as to desire the child of her molester. And now, gone beyond any hope, was the dream that Elrohir would find her desirable as a bride.

Her old nurse Calmae had come upon Eloessa weeping in despair just a day after she regained awareness. To Calmae, Eloessa poured out her suspicion and after a quick examination, Calmae confirmed it. It was Calmae who suggested that Eloessa beg leave to go into seclusion, to give them time to figure out what to do. Calmae at first broached the idea of confiding in the Lady Galadriel, but Eloessa refused. While she loved her Lady, she also knew her for the great, even perilous, Power that she was. In her distraught mind, she was terrified lest the Lady cast her out of Lothlorien as something unclean for bearing this unprecedented evil, not fit to dwell in the Golden Wood.

Once she withdrew to the peace and solitude of her tree-bower, Eloessa's initial panic receded. But she still could not bring herself to tell the Lady Galadriel for she feared seeing the pride and love in her foster mother's eyes turn to disappointment and contempt.

So she waited and as the days passed, Eloessa stopped thinking about the future, about the child, about the inevitable discovery of her condition. She stopped thinking altogether. She kept to her room, for hours watching the pattern of light and shadow cast by the play of sunlight through the leaves of the mallorn tree. Calmae saw to her every need, as if she were an infant again, making it easy to drift from one moment to the next. It was the closest she could come to the dark oblivion into which she had plunged after her attack, and to which she increasingly desired to return.

Eloessa had expected the shocked expression of Lady Galadriel the day she discovered Eloessa's condition. What Eloessa had not expected was the flash of fear that crossed the Lady's face, quickly hidden. "Is the child the result of the attack in the Mountains?" Lady Galadriel asked, although Eloessa thought the Lady knew there could be no other answer.

"The man who did this.he was a stranger to you?" Thus did the Lady of the Golden Wood delicately inquire if her foster daughter's tale of being raped by an unknown soldier was actually true, thought Eloessa bitterly. It was far more likely, after all, for her to have desired to conceive the child of a man she knew, Eloessa acknowledged. A more reasonable, if sordid, explanation than that Eloessa had defied the natural law that governed Elf conception since the beginning of time

Lady Galadriel rose from the chair she had occupied next to Eloessa in the bedroom. "You should have told me of this when first you knew, Eloessa. Perhaps there might have been ways." she shook her head. "But we must deal with the situation as it is. I know you must be frightened, but take comfort. You shall have the protection of the Golden Wood, no matter what happens." Eloessa noticed she did not say, the love of the Lady of the Golden Wood, but perhaps she was expecting too much, she thought.

Galadriel looked searchingly into her foster-daughter's eyes. "I know not why this has happened or what it might mean for you, the child you bear, or others. There lies before you a great trial, and you must look deep within yourself to find the strength to bear it. You are the only one who can travel this road, whether you wish to walk it or not, " Galadriel said sadly. "Yet, I fear you will not be the only one tested in this. I only hope none of us are found wanting."

Eloessa had turned away from Galadriel but the Lady's next words brought her around to face Galadriel again. "Do not leave this place without seeking my will first. You are not in custody," she said, seeing Eloessa's startled expression. "But I believe it is wisdom to continue to keep your condition a secret for this time. I will speak with Calmae. You will be perceived as continuing your solitary contemplation until the child is born. Then we will decide further what to do." Galadriel pulled her hooded cloak about her golden waterfall of hair. "I go now to report to Lord Celeborn and take counsel with him. I will let you know our will soon."

Galadriel turned and said with a softening expression. "If you need anything at all, send Calmae to me immediately." She seemed to wait for a response, but Eloessa said nothing.

Galadriel sighed. "I know of old your maid's skill as a midwife and healer of women. You could be in no better hands. It is clear she is devoted to you." This last was said with a bite in the tone.

Lady Galadriel opened the door, called, "Calmae, attend me!" and swept through to find the hapless servant hovering in the hall. "No doubt you already know all that I said to your mistress, for your hearing is still sharp enough to listen through closed doors. Now come with me for I have several instructions for you." The Lady and the maid disappeared down the spiral staircase to the ground, the Lady's voice growing faint in the winter air.

When Calmae had returned with Eloessa's evening meal that night, Eloessa noticed the maid seemed quite subdued. "What did the Lady Galadriel say to you, Calmae?"

Calmae laid out the meal for the two of them, for Eloessa had insisted they take supper together, and avoided looking at her charge. "She bade me care for you and the babe, as if I haven't been looking after you as though you were my very own!" Calmae's voice rose at the last, recovering some of her spirit.

"And," Eloessa prompted.

"And, she wanted me to start sending her weekly reports on your condition. She also told me to remain silent if I wanted to keep looking after you." Calmae looked somber as she finally met Eloessa's eyes. "She has never threatened me before, in all the years I have known her. I was mid-wife to Lady Evasta, her dearest friend, and then to Lady Celebrian, her daughter. I was nurse to you and your brothers."

"But never before have I felt she would use her power against me if I disobeyed. I begin to fear she would even move against you, my lady, if she felt you were to become a threat. But after today, I believe she sees this unforeseen child as the potential threat to Lorien."

Calmae suddenly leaned closer. "Be wary, lady, be wary. Remember you can depend upon me, no matter what happens." With that Calmae had left the room, saying she did not wish to sup tonight and she would return later for the dishes.

Since the Lady's visit, Calmae had become even more protective, fiercely guarding her right to attend Eloessa. Eloessa thought Calmae resented having to go and give her weekly reports on Eloessa's condition. She wondered how Lady Galadriel received the messages and the attitude in which they were no doubt delivered. No hint of the Lady's plans for Eloessa had yet been given.

Eloessa reflected now on these thoughts as well as her brother's visit today. The behavior of all those around her, if not their words, seemed to confirm this burden she carried was full of portent and maybe peril. As usual, her mind veered away from the subject of the babe like a deer shies away from a cast stone. Although, she admitted wearily, the subject, like the size of her stomach, was getting harder and harder to ignore.

It appeared her time of peaceful drifting was over. Eloessa left the food untouched and began to truly think for the first time in months. All through the long night she pondered the fate that had become hers. When dawn finally crept in from the east, she summoned Calmae to her and together they began to make plans.