Invading the Fellowship
Part Eighteen
***
"Ow…ow…ow…ow…" Dennis sat in a chair, #5 plucking his eyebrows.
"Ew…ew…ew…ew…" #5 made a face.
"Here." #2 dumped some Rogaine on Dennis's head. "Can't be a bishi without long hair. Very few get by with no hair."
"I have hair!" Dennis pointed out. "It's just short!"
"Too short." #1 sat filing Dennis's nails.
"Hee hee!! LOOK! BOOGERS!" Dennis blew his nose, snot running down his face. He giggled.
"EEEEEEEEEEEW!" The wraiths shrieked, running out of the room.
***
"Twenty-two bottles of beer on the wall!" Merry ad Pippin sang.
"My head…" An Orc grumbled, holding his head.
"C'mere, I'll fix it…" Cynthia smiled sweetly.
"Stop," Some Orc ordered. "We're at the cave of Evil Dragon."
"What's that?" Renee asked.
"None of your business," An Orc growled at her.
"It's the cave of a horrific dragon," Ivan explained.
"Oh…"
"Throw her in!" An Orc yelled.
"No! Wait!" Cynthia screamed, but the orcs threw her in the cave. "AHHHHHH!"
"Hyuk, hyuk! Will you be my friend?" Barney picked up Cynthia and went deeper into the cave.
"…That was creepy." Renee blinked.
"But at least she's gone." Ivan pointed out.
"Nineteen bottles of beer on the wall! Wait…eighteen…no…crap, I lost count! Gotta restart now!" Merry grinned.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" The entire orc army screamed.
***
"Mmmmm…I love spaghetti, Frodo!" Megan sighed.
"I love you, babe," replied Frodo, winking again.
"HEY!" Draco screamed, storming into the restaurant. "She pulled me out of the plothole!"
"So—you belong to her," Frodo told him, his eyes still on Megan. "Doesn't mean she can't belong to me."
"_ Grrrr…" Draco glared at Frodo. Gollum snickered. "What are you laughing at, you icky thing?" Draco yelled, rounding on Gollum.
Gollum pulled out his gun and aimed. Draco shut up. "^^!" Gollum grinned. "Youses likeses her!" he croaked in a singsongy voice.
"…Do not!" Draco lied.
"Does tooses!" Gollum laughed some more.
"Do n—hey…where'd they go?"
Gollum pointed out the window to where Frodo and Megan were riding away together on a motorcycle.
"WAAAAAAAAIT!!" Draco yelled, racing after them.
Sam looked over tat Gollum. "Go ahead," he offered, hiding his pitchfork behind his back.
Gollum retrieved his M-16. "After youses."
***
"This way," Aragorn said, choosing a path. "We have to find Merry, Pippin, Renee, and Ivan."
"Damn straight we do," Katie muttered.
"Saaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiiiii," Legolas whined. "It still itches!!!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" That, of course, was Oliver and Ewan.
Link looked at them. "Don't you two ever shut up?!" he asked them.
"…No!" They laughed some more.
"Argh. Must find cute little hobbits. And the little behbeh that's for supper!" Gimli exclaimed, a big smile spreading across his face.
"NO!" Katie shrieked. "You are not eating Ivan!! And you can't have Pippin either!"
At this point, Gimli tripped over a root and fell face first to the ground.
"I will help you, Master Gimli, Dwarf-friend." Legolas held out a poison-sumaced hand.
"Dwarf-friend?" Sami raised an eyebrow. "When did that happen?"
"…No idea…" Legolas shrugged, scratching his back.
"Well—"
"LET'S GO!!" Katie screamed.
***
"Hmmm…not too bad…" #8 walked around, inspecting the new Dennis.
"You still need work on your hair," #3 said.
"Your name shall be 'Ulaire Dorkus,' " #2 told him.
"Okay." Dennis shrugged. "Cool."
"All right, now we have to go this way," #1 pointed. "The ring-hobbit, the evil hobbit, the girl in glasses, the blonde wizard, and the blue thing went this way."
"Hmm, hmm, hmm…I believe there are angels among us…" Ulaire Dorkus sang.
"Dude…" #7 looked at him. "Let us pick the songs."
***
"Merry, if you sing that song one more time!!" Renee glared at him, her eyes bloodshot.
"Hee hee! I'll stop!" Merry chirped cheerfully.
"Thank you! He Pippin, more coffee!!" Renee held out her mug. Pippin poured more of the mix into Renee's cup. "Thanks, buddy."
"No prob." Pippin set the thermos back down.
"Hey you there! Orc!" Merry called.
"You there is in the back. I'm Some Other Orc." Some Other Orc replied.
"Oh. Where are we going now, Some Other Orc?"
"Beats me." Some Other Orc shrugged.
"We're heading towards Midgar." Some Guy explained. "The orc leader wants to sell the lady to Don Corneo."
"Don Corneo?" Ivan looked up.
"Yep!" Some Guy and Some Orc went back to their posts.
"Hey! Some Guy betrayed us!" Pippin realized.
"XD…yeah…" Merry snickered.
"Who's Don Corneo?" Renee asked.
"Well, he's in charge of the Sector 6 slums of Midgar. He's the top Playboy and every night he chooses three new girls, and well…" Ivan blushed.
"X.X They're selling me to a pimp?" Renee's eye twitched.
"Middle-aged, overweight, nearly bald," Ivan added. "Somehow, escape Midgar and head towards Orthanc. We'll meet up with you there."
"…You know everything, don't you…?" Renee folded her arms.
"No, I just read the minds of orcs." Ivan shrugged.
***
"OH, GIVE ME A HOME! WHERE THE BACON CAN ROAM! FILLED WITH DEER AND ANTELOPE SAUSAGE!!" Dew sang at the top of her lungs, not to mention severely off-key.
"/ Will someone PLEASE shut her UP!!" Link shouted. Katie quickly pulled out her remote and clicked "mute," then shoved Dew back into the flowerpot.
"What's your problem? You've been really cranky lately!" Katie glared at him.
"¬o¬ I don't have a problem." Link pouted.
"Here." Katie handed the rattling flowerpot to Haldir.
"I almost forgot he was here!" Sami said, hopping up to Haldir.
"Greetings, Sami-san." Haldir bowed.
"Sami…" Legolas began.
"What do you want now?"
"Would you by any chance have some Neosporin? The arrow wound on my butt just opened up again…I think I have some sumac back there too…it itches…"
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Oliver and Ewan laughed.
"x.x Ew." Orli made a face.
"This way, keep moving," Aragorn said.
"…I miss my snuggle-bunny," Gimli sighed.
Dew squealed again from inside her flowerpot.
"SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEE!!" Sami screamed to all of Middle-Earth.
***
"Hey babe, where we going?" Frodo asked Megan. Sam growled, but Megan shot him a dirty look.
"I dunno. Why don't we ask Gollum?"
"Whatses?"
"Well, could you take us to Mordor then, Gollum?" Frodo asked.
"Whoa, is Mordor where that big evil eye lives?" Draco asked.
"^-^ Yup!" Megan said.
"Don't worry about it. Mr. Frodo will get us through anything," Sam said to Draco.
"Sam, I don't like you anymore. Get over it, 'kay?" Frodo said over his shoulder.
Sam had an evil look on his face, and proceeded to pull out his pitchfork and chase Megan around with it.
"Get away from me, you hairy freak!" Megan screamed.
Gollum put a foot out in front of Sam, who tripped. He then pulled out a pistol, held it to Sam's head, and said in a voice very much like that of Sean Connery's, "Off to Mordor now! Right?"
Sam gulped. "…Uh-huh…"
"Good! Marches!
***
"Well, Don Corneo, here she is," Some Guy presented Renee.
"Remember the plan?" Ivan asked.
Renee nodded, looking very disgustedly at Don Corneo.
"Oh, you'll be mi novia esta noche," he said to her.
"GROSS! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!" She pulled out her sword.
"Renee," Ivan warned, "don't ruin the plan!"
"But he's going to touch me!" Renee yelled back.
Ivan just shrugged. Renee sheathed her sword. "God I hate this."
"Bye Renee!" Merry and Pippin yelled. "See you soon!"
"Hopefully," Renee said. "Ivan, be good, please?"
"When was I ever bad?" Ivan laughed.
"Okay, what I meant was, if you get my Pippin killed, I'll hurt you."
"Okay, okay, fine," he replied.
Don Corneo's cart went off.
"Well, we got some cash now," There Orc said to Random Orc. "Where to now?"
