[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: DARIA singing]
[START ACT 2: SCENE 4]
[SCENE: Daytime. Dega Street. DARIA and JANE are walking down. DARIA's face is utterly
expressionless though her eyes are a trifle red. JANE looks worried]
Jane: Shopping? *CLOTHES* shopping? [surprised/incredulous] As in the thing where we exchange our
parent's hard earned green coloured paper for some form of material in a pre-determined shape?
[beat] We're *really* here to shop?
Daria: That's what I told the parental units.
Jane: Yeah but - [pause] I thought you were lying. [beat] *Really* shopping?
Daria: I needed to get jeans. Quinn is at Cashmans. Thus, we shop at the other side of town.
[beat] Besides, I'm hoping for plain black jeans, no designer labels, no flower patches. No
carefully ripped edges. Plain. Black. Jeans. [beat] With buttons.
Jane: [amused] Well that might be a little hard. I mean, plain black jeans yes - but with
*buttons*? [beat] Seriously - shopping?
Daria [not turning around; flat]: Seriously.
[DARIA continues walking. After a second, a startled JANE follows her. They both enter FASHION
VICTIMS (store)]
[TIME LAPSE: TRENT walking with JESSE down street. TRENT is wearing sunglasses. He doesn't look
happy]
Jesse: Woah. [stops] Fashion Victims is having a sale.
Trent: So? [looks down street, bored]
Jesse: I need a shirt. [beat; though TRENT doesn't notice, he can see JANE and DARIA in the
store through the window. Walks into the store]
[TRENT notices MONIQUE walking out of AXL'S PIERCINGS (store) and follows JESSE into Fashion
Victims]
[SCENE SWITCH: Inside Fashion Victims]
[SCENE: Bins and racks filled with clothes, are arranged all around the floor space, the walls
are filled with floor-to-ceiling shelves that have variously, shirts, jeans, belts and dresses
stored or hanging in them. At the back are several changing rooms. 'Erotica' by Nelson is
playing very loudly. JANE and DARIA are looking at the jeans (partially hidden by a rack). JANE
turns around, notices JESSE and then TRENT. Her eyes widen]
Jane: These ones. [grabs a pair of jeans (blue in colour) from the shelf] Try them. [begins
shoving DARIA to the changing stall]
[DARIA looks confused. JESSE noticing DARIA at the stall grabs a shirt from a bin]
Jesse: Need to see if it fits. [drags TRENT who looks slightly surprised to the stall. TRENT
does not notice JANE or DARIA]
[SCENE SWITCH: Fashion Victims' changing rooms. Entrance is via a doorway (no door) and the
stalls are in a hallway with a floor-to-ceiling mirror at the end. It is quiet, the floors buzz
slightly in time to the bass of the music. There is nobody else there currently. DARIA is
holding the jeans about to enter the stall. JANE is leaning nervously against the doorway]
Daria: [staring at jeans] Blue? You suddenly colour blind or is this some sort of -
[JESSE, pulling TRENT appears at the doorway of the changing rooms. JESSE trips over JANE's boot
and falls, upsetting TRENT's balance who comes barrelling forward]
Trent: Woah what the - [runs straight into a shocked DARIA]
[Flash of light, bass beat intensifies slightly, and scene flashes white then back to normal]
Daria: [whispered; expression on face is shocked] Daria. . .
Trent: [whispered; pained voice, face is unemotional] Trent. . .
[TRENT and DARIA spring apart]
Trent: Damn it Jane! [turns as if to stalk off]
Daria: [catching TRENT's arm as he turns] Daria! Listen it was all a mistake -
Jane [to JESSE]: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Jesse: Nothing.
Jane: You knew they just broke up - you saw us coming back here - hell this is the female change
rooms!
Jesse [angry tone in voice]: Daria is good for Trent. The band falls apart when Trent starts
dating and dumping Monique -
Daria: We have to talk -!
Trent: No we don't! Come on Jane - [shakes DARIA's hold from his arm and grabs JANE]
Jane [glaring back - at both TRENT and DARIA who is standing beside the change stall, looking
slightly bewildered]: And what about you? Since when do you let an idiot lead you around?
Trent [deadpan]: Since I met you it seems.
[JANE gets a confused look on her face]
Daria [stepping up, catching TRENT's arm again]: I didn't mean to sleep with Monique - it just
sort of -
Jane [laughing nervously]: Of course you didn't sleep with Monique Daria - [beat] Okay. What *is*
it with you two? Practising reverse couple therapy or something?
[TRENT and DARIA finally look at each other, both jump back]
Daria: Woah. . . [rubs eyes and in TRENT fashion] Shouldn't have drunk that red thing in the
fridge after all. This nightmare is way weird.
Trent: [attempt at humour, failing miserably, sounds scared] I knew I'd go insane sooner or
later. [beat] No I didn't. What happened?
[JANE and JESSE look confused]
Jane [hesitantly]: Would the person who's name is 'Trent' please - say something.
Daria: What do you want Janey?
[JANE's eyes go wide]
Jane: T-Trent? [staring at DARIA]
Daria: What happened to us? [staring at TRENT] Hey. You look exactly like me.
Trent: [flat voice] This is a hallucination.
Jane [nervous]: Right. We're going back home *now* and then I'm going to call Wind and find out
where he stashed his instant downers.
[FADE TO BLACK]
la la LA la la
[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: green tint of DARIA and TRENT colliding]
[SCENE: Lane living room]
[SCENE: JANE is pacing while DARIA (body) is sprawled on the couch (in the position TRENT
normally takes) with JESSE perched on the other side. TRENT is sitting, legs together, (DARIA
position) awkward in the armchair staring at JANE]
Jane: Hallucination. This has to be mass hallucination. [turns around and continues pacing]
Except I haven't eaten anything today. Or yesterday. [stops pacing] Hypnosis - or maybe its
[continues babbling and starts pacing again]
Daria: Stop that Janey. It's making me dizzy. [beat and yawns] I need coffee.
[JANE shudders]
Jane: Would you stop that Daria?
Trent [hadn't been listening till then; confused]: Stop what?
[JANE shudders]
Jesse: Hey, you're saying each others lines. [beat] Does this happen when you date too long?
[JANE shudders again and runs out of the room]
Jesse [blinking]: What'd I say?
[JANE returns with a large cup of coffee she is gulping down. Looks up as she finishes then puts
the cup down. Her hand is shaking]
Jane: Nope. Caffeine doesn't help. [pause; JANE sits in other armchair] Okay. What the *HELL*
is going on? Why are [looking at DARIA] *you* acting like *Trent* and you [looking at TRENT]
acting like *Daria*?
Trent and Daria (together): Because *I* *AM* - [realise they're talking in unison]
Daria: - Trent.
Trent: - Daria. [beat] What's going on?
Jane: Either mass hallucinations, psychologically-based insanity, druged-induced behaviour or
[beat] the two of you have swapped brains.
Trent [deadpan]: Next on Sick Sad World.
Jane [shuddering]: Don't *do* that!
[JANE hangs head between hands, looking worried, scared and confused. TRENT looks worried and
JESSE seems oblivious]
[The phone rings. Almost absently, DARIA stands up and answers the phone]
Daria: Hey.
Helen [voice only]: Daria? Is that you?
Daria: Oh hi Mrs. Morgendoffer.
Helen [hurt tone in voice]: Oh Daria. . . Honey I know I haven't been paying enough attention
- [switch to angry] it's just this courtcase and Eric switching from digital to manual *again*
just because he's scared the extra/intranet might crash - [continues]
[DARIA is staring at phone from which can be heard tiny noises (HELEN's voice). She places the
phone back on ear just in time to hear the end of HELEN's speech]
Helen (cont): - just come home for dinner okay? And then we can have a nice long talk about -
Daria [hurriedly to cut off HELEN]: Ah - yeah. Whatever Mrs Morgendoffer. I'll tell Daria.
[yawns, hangs up and returns to couch]
[SCENE SWITCH: Morgendoffer kitchen. HELEN looks heart broken]
[SCENE SWITCH: Lane living room]
Trent: I'm in Trent's body and Trent's in mine. [beat] This is some sort of side-effect from
going insane isn't it? Or maybe the long term effects of going to high school?
Daria: High school aged. [shudders] You make enough coffee for another cup Janey?
Jane: Yeah - in the kitchen. [DARIA leaves. JANE stares at TRENT] This is either a really bad
hallucination -
Trent: [dry] Brought on by bad pizza and the lingering effects of over-exposure to my family and loud
music.
Jane [shudders]: - or its real. In which case, what do we do?
Trent: [V/O: "I'm in Trent's body. This is bad." [beat] "Trent doesn't go to high school any
more. This is good." [beat] "What am I saying? I'm stuck in a guy's body!" [beat] "A guy's body
I never even got to see properly. . . Oh god. Don't think about that."] If this is real then
- and I cannot believe I am actually saying this - we want to act normal.
Jane [snort of humour]: For us anyway.
Trent: Seriously. The last thing I want is for people to *really* think I'm insane. Despite the
comfortable lifestyle a white jacket with extra long sleeves might bring, I do enjoy scratching
my own nose. So Trent has to continue - [V/O: "Sleeping? Eating? Sleeping more?"] doing what he
always does.
Jane: Sleeping. Eating. More sleeping. A little bit of music.
Trent: [V/O: "Three out of four is close enough."] And I - I mean 'Daria' - has to finish high
school. [V/O: "Subconscious? You're doing this as some form of vicarious revenge on Trent aren't
you?" [beat] "You betcha."]
Daria [returning with a cup of coffee in hand]: What?
Jane: [shudders] Oh boy. This is *weird* - even for me. [beat; gets an evil look in eye] I'm
going to be going to school with *Trent*. With Mr. D'Martino as our history teacher. [beat] I
get to be an eye-*witness* instead of an eavesdropper/witness four classrooms down.
Daria: H-high school? [goes pale]
[DARIA drops the mug onto the floor where it shatters. TRENT has a Mona-Lisa smile]
la la LA la la
[END ACT 2: SCENE 3]
[START ACT 2: SCENE 4]
[SCENE: Daytime. Dega Street. DARIA and JANE are walking down. DARIA's face is utterly
expressionless though her eyes are a trifle red. JANE looks worried]
Jane: Shopping? *CLOTHES* shopping? [surprised/incredulous] As in the thing where we exchange our
parent's hard earned green coloured paper for some form of material in a pre-determined shape?
[beat] We're *really* here to shop?
Daria: That's what I told the parental units.
Jane: Yeah but - [pause] I thought you were lying. [beat] *Really* shopping?
Daria: I needed to get jeans. Quinn is at Cashmans. Thus, we shop at the other side of town.
[beat] Besides, I'm hoping for plain black jeans, no designer labels, no flower patches. No
carefully ripped edges. Plain. Black. Jeans. [beat] With buttons.
Jane: [amused] Well that might be a little hard. I mean, plain black jeans yes - but with
*buttons*? [beat] Seriously - shopping?
Daria [not turning around; flat]: Seriously.
[DARIA continues walking. After a second, a startled JANE follows her. They both enter FASHION
VICTIMS (store)]
[TIME LAPSE: TRENT walking with JESSE down street. TRENT is wearing sunglasses. He doesn't look
happy]
Jesse: Woah. [stops] Fashion Victims is having a sale.
Trent: So? [looks down street, bored]
Jesse: I need a shirt. [beat; though TRENT doesn't notice, he can see JANE and DARIA in the
store through the window. Walks into the store]
[TRENT notices MONIQUE walking out of AXL'S PIERCINGS (store) and follows JESSE into Fashion
Victims]
[SCENE SWITCH: Inside Fashion Victims]
[SCENE: Bins and racks filled with clothes, are arranged all around the floor space, the walls
are filled with floor-to-ceiling shelves that have variously, shirts, jeans, belts and dresses
stored or hanging in them. At the back are several changing rooms. 'Erotica' by Nelson is
playing very loudly. JANE and DARIA are looking at the jeans (partially hidden by a rack). JANE
turns around, notices JESSE and then TRENT. Her eyes widen]
Jane: These ones. [grabs a pair of jeans (blue in colour) from the shelf] Try them. [begins
shoving DARIA to the changing stall]
[DARIA looks confused. JESSE noticing DARIA at the stall grabs a shirt from a bin]
Jesse: Need to see if it fits. [drags TRENT who looks slightly surprised to the stall. TRENT
does not notice JANE or DARIA]
[SCENE SWITCH: Fashion Victims' changing rooms. Entrance is via a doorway (no door) and the
stalls are in a hallway with a floor-to-ceiling mirror at the end. It is quiet, the floors buzz
slightly in time to the bass of the music. There is nobody else there currently. DARIA is
holding the jeans about to enter the stall. JANE is leaning nervously against the doorway]
Daria: [staring at jeans] Blue? You suddenly colour blind or is this some sort of -
[JESSE, pulling TRENT appears at the doorway of the changing rooms. JESSE trips over JANE's boot
and falls, upsetting TRENT's balance who comes barrelling forward]
Trent: Woah what the - [runs straight into a shocked DARIA]
[Flash of light, bass beat intensifies slightly, and scene flashes white then back to normal]
Daria: [whispered; expression on face is shocked] Daria. . .
Trent: [whispered; pained voice, face is unemotional] Trent. . .
[TRENT and DARIA spring apart]
Trent: Damn it Jane! [turns as if to stalk off]
Daria: [catching TRENT's arm as he turns] Daria! Listen it was all a mistake -
Jane [to JESSE]: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Jesse: Nothing.
Jane: You knew they just broke up - you saw us coming back here - hell this is the female change
rooms!
Jesse [angry tone in voice]: Daria is good for Trent. The band falls apart when Trent starts
dating and dumping Monique -
Daria: We have to talk -!
Trent: No we don't! Come on Jane - [shakes DARIA's hold from his arm and grabs JANE]
Jane [glaring back - at both TRENT and DARIA who is standing beside the change stall, looking
slightly bewildered]: And what about you? Since when do you let an idiot lead you around?
Trent [deadpan]: Since I met you it seems.
[JANE gets a confused look on her face]
Daria [stepping up, catching TRENT's arm again]: I didn't mean to sleep with Monique - it just
sort of -
Jane [laughing nervously]: Of course you didn't sleep with Monique Daria - [beat] Okay. What *is*
it with you two? Practising reverse couple therapy or something?
[TRENT and DARIA finally look at each other, both jump back]
Daria: Woah. . . [rubs eyes and in TRENT fashion] Shouldn't have drunk that red thing in the
fridge after all. This nightmare is way weird.
Trent: [attempt at humour, failing miserably, sounds scared] I knew I'd go insane sooner or
later. [beat] No I didn't. What happened?
[JANE and JESSE look confused]
Jane [hesitantly]: Would the person who's name is 'Trent' please - say something.
Daria: What do you want Janey?
[JANE's eyes go wide]
Jane: T-Trent? [staring at DARIA]
Daria: What happened to us? [staring at TRENT] Hey. You look exactly like me.
Trent: [flat voice] This is a hallucination.
Jane [nervous]: Right. We're going back home *now* and then I'm going to call Wind and find out
where he stashed his instant downers.
[FADE TO BLACK]
la la LA la la
[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: green tint of DARIA and TRENT colliding]
[SCENE: Lane living room]
[SCENE: JANE is pacing while DARIA (body) is sprawled on the couch (in the position TRENT
normally takes) with JESSE perched on the other side. TRENT is sitting, legs together, (DARIA
position) awkward in the armchair staring at JANE]
Jane: Hallucination. This has to be mass hallucination. [turns around and continues pacing]
Except I haven't eaten anything today. Or yesterday. [stops pacing] Hypnosis - or maybe its
[continues babbling and starts pacing again]
Daria: Stop that Janey. It's making me dizzy. [beat and yawns] I need coffee.
[JANE shudders]
Jane: Would you stop that Daria?
Trent [hadn't been listening till then; confused]: Stop what?
[JANE shudders]
Jesse: Hey, you're saying each others lines. [beat] Does this happen when you date too long?
[JANE shudders again and runs out of the room]
Jesse [blinking]: What'd I say?
[JANE returns with a large cup of coffee she is gulping down. Looks up as she finishes then puts
the cup down. Her hand is shaking]
Jane: Nope. Caffeine doesn't help. [pause; JANE sits in other armchair] Okay. What the *HELL*
is going on? Why are [looking at DARIA] *you* acting like *Trent* and you [looking at TRENT]
acting like *Daria*?
Trent and Daria (together): Because *I* *AM* - [realise they're talking in unison]
Daria: - Trent.
Trent: - Daria. [beat] What's going on?
Jane: Either mass hallucinations, psychologically-based insanity, druged-induced behaviour or
[beat] the two of you have swapped brains.
Trent [deadpan]: Next on Sick Sad World.
Jane [shuddering]: Don't *do* that!
[JANE hangs head between hands, looking worried, scared and confused. TRENT looks worried and
JESSE seems oblivious]
[The phone rings. Almost absently, DARIA stands up and answers the phone]
Daria: Hey.
Helen [voice only]: Daria? Is that you?
Daria: Oh hi Mrs. Morgendoffer.
Helen [hurt tone in voice]: Oh Daria. . . Honey I know I haven't been paying enough attention
- [switch to angry] it's just this courtcase and Eric switching from digital to manual *again*
just because he's scared the extra/intranet might crash - [continues]
[DARIA is staring at phone from which can be heard tiny noises (HELEN's voice). She places the
phone back on ear just in time to hear the end of HELEN's speech]
Helen (cont): - just come home for dinner okay? And then we can have a nice long talk about -
Daria [hurriedly to cut off HELEN]: Ah - yeah. Whatever Mrs Morgendoffer. I'll tell Daria.
[yawns, hangs up and returns to couch]
[SCENE SWITCH: Morgendoffer kitchen. HELEN looks heart broken]
[SCENE SWITCH: Lane living room]
Trent: I'm in Trent's body and Trent's in mine. [beat] This is some sort of side-effect from
going insane isn't it? Or maybe the long term effects of going to high school?
Daria: High school aged. [shudders] You make enough coffee for another cup Janey?
Jane: Yeah - in the kitchen. [DARIA leaves. JANE stares at TRENT] This is either a really bad
hallucination -
Trent: [dry] Brought on by bad pizza and the lingering effects of over-exposure to my family and loud
music.
Jane [shudders]: - or its real. In which case, what do we do?
Trent: [V/O: "I'm in Trent's body. This is bad." [beat] "Trent doesn't go to high school any
more. This is good." [beat] "What am I saying? I'm stuck in a guy's body!" [beat] "A guy's body
I never even got to see properly. . . Oh god. Don't think about that."] If this is real then
- and I cannot believe I am actually saying this - we want to act normal.
Jane [snort of humour]: For us anyway.
Trent: Seriously. The last thing I want is for people to *really* think I'm insane. Despite the
comfortable lifestyle a white jacket with extra long sleeves might bring, I do enjoy scratching
my own nose. So Trent has to continue - [V/O: "Sleeping? Eating? Sleeping more?"] doing what he
always does.
Jane: Sleeping. Eating. More sleeping. A little bit of music.
Trent: [V/O: "Three out of four is close enough."] And I - I mean 'Daria' - has to finish high
school. [V/O: "Subconscious? You're doing this as some form of vicarious revenge on Trent aren't
you?" [beat] "You betcha."]
Daria [returning with a cup of coffee in hand]: What?
Jane: [shudders] Oh boy. This is *weird* - even for me. [beat; gets an evil look in eye] I'm
going to be going to school with *Trent*. With Mr. D'Martino as our history teacher. [beat] I
get to be an eye-*witness* instead of an eavesdropper/witness four classrooms down.
Daria: H-high school? [goes pale]
[DARIA drops the mug onto the floor where it shatters. TRENT has a Mona-Lisa smile]
la la LA la la
[END ACT 2: SCENE 3]
