[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Daria's expression]
Commercial: (I couldn't resist this one so bear with me)
Steel capped boots: $100

Lawyer (per hour): $140

Kicking Upchuck and ensuring the sanctity of the gene-pool?: Priceless

For everything else there's Mastercard

[START ACT 3: SCENE 1]

[In background: Alannis Morrissette's 'All I really Want']

[SCENE: Jane's Room. Pre-dawn. An alarm is shrilly ringing. JANE is a lump underneath blankets
and pillows. An arm comes out and hits something on the side table. The alarm stops ringing.
JANE rolls over and falls onto the floor with a thump. She sits up slowly, rubbing her head]

Jane: Gotta get a futon. [yawns and stands up, still rubbing her head and walks out of the door]

[SCENE: Lane kitchen. TRENT is at the stove, cooking something. JANE does not see him as she
walks in and starts looking for the coffee. JANE finds the instant coffee and picks up a mug
than walks slowly towards the kettle, accidentally walking into TRENT]

Jane [not really looking or thinking]: Morning Trent - [beat. JANE looks up, wide eyed at TRENT]

[ZOOM IN: TRENT is wearing a robe - obviously Jane's. It comes down to his knees - he's wearing
the usual pants underneath it. He looks remarkably wide awake and his hair is combed.]

Jane (continued): Oh god. It wasn't a nightmare. [swallows and puts the coffee canister and mug
onto a counter] I don't think I need caffeine to stay awake now.

Trent: [flushing, slightly less than deadpan] I made breakfast. [stares at the pan; we see it's
some form of bacon or meat product in the pan] Well I think it's bacon. [beat] You have to make
sure T - I mean Daria - gets to school. [beat pulls out a piece of paper from robe] And I
re-wrote the writing assignment so O'Neil wouldn't run crying out of the classroom. [beat.
Sniffs] And I have to take a shower. [beat] Jane?

[JANE is staring at TRENT with wide-eyes]

Trent (continued): Jane? [irritatedly] Jane!

Jane [snickering]: Sorry. It's just I've never seen Trent this wide awake and aware - and
together - this early in the morning.

Trent: Unless practise ran late.

Jane: Yeah unless - [trails off with a look of horror] Trent - I mean you have band practise
today.

Trent: I called Jesse. It's cancelled. Trent - I mean *I* - have a sore throat. [beat] And I'm
hoping the hallucigines will wear off before I get over the sore throat. [beat] Cough. Cough.

Jane [grin]: You look like Trent. You sound like Trent. But you're Daria all the way through.

Trent: Don't you forget it. [beat] I still have to take a shower though. And towels. Where do
you leave the towels?

Jane [shrugging]: I usually do my own laundry. I don't know where Trent stashes his towels and
[grins] other portions of apparrel. [bigger grin] I guess you're going to get your wish Daria.
You get to *really* know Trent. In the biblical sense.

Trent: [not really concentraint/mind is on other things] That would involve Trent and me actually
having some sort of - [beat] That's just sick Jane Lane.

Jane: [smirk]

Trent: I will kill you. And since I'm in the body of your brother I'll never get caught.

Jane: Except by the people with the long white coats.

Trent: Death. Mayhem. Possibly murder. [beat] And I'll take all your bishonen anime video
tapes with me.

Jane: Eep. [grinning] I'll be good.

Trent: And as much as I hate having to say this - if you really want to wake up my body - as in
Daria's body - a cold shower does the trick. [flushes] Blindfold him first.

Jane [saluting with a smirk]: Will do. [beat] Considering the 'definition' of 'biblical sense'
does this mean you and Trent are particularly kinky in your approach to - [runs out of the house
as continues] - 'sexual intimacy'?

Trent: [shouting after JANE] One day Jane - *one* day! [V/O: (in Daria's voice) "Meanwhile.
Toothbrush. Toothpaste." [beat] "You forgot the shower part. And the bits where you'll have to
figure out how to use his. . . Um - parts." [beat] "I'll kill you too inner subconscious.
Just see if I don't. You and your little dog - " [beat] "I'm talking to myself again - in movie
quotes." [beat] "You're doing it again. And you do realise you're currently in somebody else's
body and thus cannot kill your inner subconscious which one would assume has permanent housing in
*your* brain and not Trent's body. [smirk] And allow me to remind you once more: a body you're
going to have to *see* soon." [beat] "Damn subconscious."]

[TRENT looks at food in pan, looks disgusted, turns off fire and walks reluctantly out of
kitchen]

[FADE TO:]

[SCENE: Morgendoffer House; in the hallway outside Daria's room. HELEN is knocking on the door
with an anxious JAKE beside her]

Helen: - Daria? [looking to JAKE] It's never been this hard to wake her up before.

Jake: We've never had to wake her up before. Daria's always up on time. [beat] You think it
might be drugs? [panicky. Loud] Daria! Wake up! [hysterical] *Quinn* call 911 - Daria's
overdosed on -

[From downstairs, the sound of a doorbell and then the door opening. Meanwhile, QUINN appears in
the hallway, looking less than happy with bed-hair]

Quinn: What is it Daddy? [yawns]

Helen: [at door] Daria? Honey I just want to talk to you - Daria? [kicks door]

[In background, JANE appears at the foot of the stairs and runs quickly over]

Jane: Morning Mrs Morgendoffer, Mr Morgendoffer - [smirks] Daria's sister.

Quinn: [at being called 'Daria's sister'] Hey!

Jake: [chirp/mood swing] Morning Jane!

Quinn: [beat] Um - Jane? Why are you here? [beat, staring at HELEN and JAKE] Mum? Dad? Why are
you all up? [beat, worried] If it's because of me breaking curfew last night it was because the -
ah - maths study group I was with decided to get a late dinner since we broke up early and I
didn't want to go to Pizza King since they're cheeseless pizzas are like - all greasy. And I
told Tiffani - I mean Adrian that *that* like totally defeats the purpose of cheeseless pizza so
we went to - [beat, frowns] Hey, I thought you and Dad had to get an early start this morning,
Mum.

Helen [slightly distracted]: We do - I just wanted to talk to Daria. She went straight to bed
last night without dinner - but she [beat, notices JANE]. Oh morning Jane. [beat] What are you
doing here?

Jane: [light] Daria asked me to come over to make sure she got up early today. We want to finish
our - [pause] comparitive literature homework at the labs at the school so we're going in early.
[panicky] Why? Didn't she tell you?

Helen: [suspicious] Why do you need to wake Daria up?

Jane: Okay. You sprung us. Daria and I stayed up watching videos all last night and the night
before. And then yesterday she broke her alarm clock. [V/O: "Memo to self: break Daria's alarm
clock."] She didn't want to tell you since she thought she'd get into trouble.

Quinn: I'd say! I mean Sandi nearly threw Stacy out of the Fashion Club when she *accidentally*
scraped her nail and got like this huge gap in her nail polish. But then I told Sandi that -

Helen: Quinn - [beat] is that a pimple?

Quinn [horror]: What?! [runs off]

[JANE smirks]

Jane: Gee, Mrs. Morgendoffer. [beat] I didn't know you had it in you.

Helen: [glancing worriedly at watch] Jake and I have to go. [beat; gleam in eye] Say Jane - you
wouldn't -

Jane: One question, thirty seconds maximum.

Helen: One for me and one for Jake?

Jane: [thoughtful] All right.

Helen: Is Daria - um. . . Not feeling all right? [beat; quickly] It's just - yesterday she
called *me* Mrs Morgendoffer and Jake Mr Morgendoffer and I'm almost sure that we haven't done
anything lately that -

Jane: She was probably just really tired. That's all. [beat] And she's been feeling out of
sorts lately. Trent and her broke up on Friday you know.

Helen: What?! Why?

Jane: One question. One question only.

Helen [to JAKE]: Ask her why they broke up Jake!

Jake [oblivious]: Who broke up?

Helen: [groan] Oh Jake.

Jake: What? [glances at watch] Gee Helen! We're going to be late if we don't make a run for it
now.

Helen: [to JANE] He'll ask his question tonight.

Jane: [V/O: "Memo to self: avoid Morgendoffer parental units for a couple of days."] [cheerfully]
See ya!

[JANE watches till HELEN and JAKE leave hallway, waits till she hears the front door slam before
turning to door. She pulls out a thin wire from her pocket]

Jane: Thank you Trent for teaching me how to pick locks. [kneels in front of door and begins
prodding with the wire. There's a click] Ah! [opens door]

[SCENE CHANGE TO:]

[SCENE: Inside Daria's room. DARIA is lying, face flat on the bed, arms akimbo in a very
Trent-esque position. She hasn't changed out of her normal skirt and jacket combination and is
dead to the world]

Jane: Shades of a narcoleptic sibling Batman! [beat] [V/O: "You're mis-quoting bad 60s sitcoms
again." [beat] "So?"] [leans down so her mouth is next to DARIA's ear] Hey - Trent!

Daria: Go away Janey.

Jane: Come on Trent - you have to wake up -

Daria: . . . [snore]

[JANE looks annoyed]

Jane: That's it.

[JANE picks up one arm and literally drags DARIA off bed. DARIA hits floor]

Daria: Hey - what was - that [yawn, half asleep looks up and blinks] Janey? [yawns, and curls up
on the floor to continue sleeping]

Jane: Oh for the love of - [begins dragging DARIA into the bathroom]

[SCENE SWITCH TO:]

[SCENE: Bathroom. A surprised QUINN who, seconds before, was carefully checking her face for
pimples, stares in shock at DARIA and JANE]

Quinn: Oooookay. [beat] This is some sort of weird brain ritual isn't it?

Jane: [annoyed, aside] Yeah. Sort of like ritual female circumcision only - less permanent.

Quinn: Eeeew! [beat] No seriously - what are you two doing?! [beat] It's not because you're like.
. . [whispered] *You* know.

Jane: [annoyed] Yeah we are. Whatever it is we're suppose to be - we are. Now would you please
help me undress her?! [pulling off DARIA's jacket]

Quinn: *Eeeeeew*!!!! [runs out of bathroom]

[JANE stares after her for several seconds then turns back to pulling off DARIA's clothes. DARIA
ignores her, still sleeping on tiled floor]

Jane: How the hell do you do that? When I told Daria that you could sleep through a hurricane I
didn't actually *mean* that you could seriously - [sigh] Well, Daria *did* say cold water shower.
[evil grin]

[SCENE SWITCH TO:]

[SCENE: Quinn's room. QUINN is standing in front of her open wardrobe]

Jane [voice only]: Right. Which one is the cold water tap.

[QUINN pulls out a blue fitted t-shirt and looks at herself in the mirror]

Jane [voice only]: Ah. This one.

[QUINN puts the blue fitted t-shirt back in and takes out a green blouse]

Jane [voice only]: In you go.

[There's a large thumping noise as if somebody's been just shoved into a shower stall. QUINN
pulls out white skorts and puts the green blouse back in]

Jane [voice only]: [snicker] Right. Here goes.

[QUINN pulls out a familiar pink shirt with a smiley face and holds it up to her chest in front
of the mirror]

Daria [voice only]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

[QUINN drops the shirt and then picks it up again]

Quinn: Daria! Keep it down!

[SCENE SWITCH TO:]

[SCENE: Bathroom. DARIA - from shoulders up - is staring in horror at JANE while shivering. In
the background, JANE is standing with a smirk on her face]

Daria [still shivering]: J-J-J-Janey -? Why are you so t-t-tall all of a s-s-s-sudden - [looks
down below camera level]

[SCENE SWITCH TO:]

[SCENE: Quinn's room. QUINN has a pair of blue jeans in her hand and a blue skirt in the other]

Quinn: Hmm. . . What do I want to say? Energetic and cute? Or Perky and cute?

Daria [voice only]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

[QUINN drops the skirt]

Quinn: [annoyed] DARIA! [storms out of the bedroom]

[Fade to black]

[END ACT 3: SCENE 1]