Disasterpiece Theater
Faster than a speeding bullet and more fun than an episode of P***mon
Another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater means another weekend at the Agianna house. What can we say? They're renovating our usual studio for Weekly Digimon Reports version 2.0, coming soon to an ff.net near you. Anyway, Lia's hanging out in her media room, which is really, really cold right now!
"Somebody please close those windows! I'm going to die of hypothermia! Welcome to another weekend here at Disasterpiece Theater, I'm your host, Lia. It's good to see that Fanfiction.net is up and running again, which means you can count on us posting regularly again. This week's fic jockey is Agumon, so let's get right to it!"
"No little quips? Nothing about Card Captors or Rayearth or anything? Are you sick?" Matt asked, going for the thermometer.
"Nope. I'll plug the now-extended Batpig contest later, but that's later."
~*~
When the cities and storylines of a fanfic universe are in danger, the first hero to come a-knocking is our friend, Batpig, the Pork Knight. However, should Batpig come down with measles or pull a muscle, the Austin Powers Trio is ready to take over. But if the APT is at the veterinarian, or off playing poker, the Alliance is standing by. But if the two authors, the bishounen, and their digimon sidekicks come down with food poisoning from Burger King, who's left? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon, that's who!
Our story begins with an Agumon, left home alone by a Taichi, one whose hair is worshipped by many Tokomon. Being hungry, our hero went rummaging through the refrigerator, trying to find anything that didn't contain carob, soy, tofu, or bean curd. He happened upon a bottle of something he thought was one of those Snapple energy drink things. Little did he know that it was a top-secret chemical mixture created by Izumi Lab Co., kept in the Kamiya fridge because Izzy's was out for repairs. Agumon downed the bottle of chemicals, and thus gained superhuman…well, super-digimon powers and the ability to wield kung-fu equipment. But, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon cannot go untrained, and so our hero sought out a teacher (preferably a giant rat who lived in the sewers) while all the while, was being stalked by the evil villain.
~*~
"Okay, I
searched the yellow pages, dude, and there are like no giant rats living in the
sewer that teach kung-fu. Maybe I can go see if that gnarly armadillo living in
that apartment building can teach kendo…Lia, do I really have to talk like
this?"
The APT has to sound like hippies, you have to sound like
a surfer.
"Bummer."
Exactly.
Wearing his blue bandanna (hey, I was a Leo fan) and his big ol' belt, Agumon headed over to Cody's apartment to see if Armadillomon could temp as Splinter, the big giant rat who lived in the sewer and taught martial arts. As for the rest of the cast…we only have one Agumon, and that's it. April, the reporter in the yellow jumpsuit, will be portrayed by Kari…since she wears all that spandex. And Shredder, the slicing and dicing villain…um…we dunno. OKAY! Let's just get right to the apartment and get on with this story!
~*~
"Like, dude, is anybody home?" Agumon called out as he walked into the Hida apartment. Armadillomon was meditating on a tabletop.
"OHMMM. OHMM on the range."
"Like, Armadillomon dude, can you teach me the ways of martial arts so I can become a proper Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon?"
"Young Grasshopper, if y'all wanna learn kung-fu, ya came to the right place. Jest sit yer body down and Ah can teach you ta be a real Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon."
Agumon sat, trying to figure out how Armadillomon was going to teach him, since Armadillomon's an armadillo and not a giant rat that lived in the sewers and taught martial arts.
"First, ya have to balance this here teacup on yer nose, and not spill a drop of tea."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Agumon asked, putting the teacup on his nose.
"Balance."
"Oh. Radical!"
Armadillomon waddled over to the tape player and turned on that Donny Osmond song from that Mulan Disney movie. That 'Be a Man' one where they do that musical montage fight training scene thing.
Well, in the tradition of bad movies, we're doing a musical montage. Agumon is seen running past a volley of flaming arrows, a couple of which pop him one, trying to catch fish with his bare paws/claws/hands/whatever, waxing the Hida family car, using those big foam American Gladiator stick thingies to try and smack Armadillomon and ends up upside down crumpled on the floor himself, scaling a wall, swordfighting, and the whole thing ends with Agumon running up a long flight of stairs while Armadillomon takes the escalator. At the top, he turns and throws his paws/claws/arms/whatever into the air in triumph.
"ADRIAN! ADRIAN!"
"Agumon, who's Adrian?"
"I don't know."
~*~
Well, Agumon finished his training, and just in time, because Kari, the spunky girl reporter in the spandex, was being held hostage by our julienne fry-cutting villain.
"Heheheheh, you will tell me where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon is, or you will be forced to watch infomercials until your brain turns to mush!"
Kari looked puzzled. "Now wait a minute. Why am I being held hostage, who the heck are you, and why do you have a grudge with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon?"
The masked assailant shrugged. "Plot holes. But, if you must know, you are the spunky girl reporter that gets that darn lizard his pizza, and thus you are a valuable asset to that stupid reptile. I am Slicer-Dicer, cheap imitation of the real Ninja Turtles villain portrayed by…gee, wouldn't you like to know? And I hate that Agumon because…because…because I'm paid to hate him, that's why!"
"Oh. Okay."
"Dude, like totally let Kari go! If it's me you want, then it's me you get. COWABUNGA!" and with that, Agumon popped out from some random place and starting going all Power Rangers-y. You know, 'hi-ya' and the like.
"Ah, so we meet again at last, for the first time and the last time Ninja Agumon."
"You don't make sense. Let's be friends and get a pie, dude!"
Gabumon randomly walked onto the set, with his usual ice cream parlor obliterating equipment.
"STOP GIVING LECTURES ON FRIENDSHIP! THAT'S MY JOB! IT'S MY SOLE PURPOSE TO GIVE NONSENSICAL LECTURES ON THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIP, YOU'RE JUST THE STUPID LIZARD THAT BAILS EVERYONE OUT!"
And with that, he left.
"So then, we shall have an old-fashioned battle for this girl and the loser will be blown to smithereens?" Slicer-Dicer questioned.
"Okay by me, dude."
"AND QUIT CALLING ME 'DUDE!'"
So they started fighting, well, sort of. They were actually just poking each other.
"Pokey!"
"No! No pokey!"
And that continued for ten minutes.
"Okay, time out, my poking finger's starting to bleed," the villain whined.
Agumon backed off, giving the masked marauder ample time to pull out a katana and point it at our hero's throat.
"Ha! You have lost, Ninja Agumon! Now the city is mine, and so is the secret treasure of the lost lagoon!"
"Huh? LIA!"
Whoops, sticking another plot hole in.
Agumon, using the magical martial arts skills Armadillomon taught him, pulled out his own sword and now the two were swordfighting. Kari escaped from being tied to an uncomfortable chair and left the fanfic.
"Hey! Get back here! You're not done being my prisoner!"
Agumon (who doesn't do too shabby a job with a sword considering he has no real hands) sliced off the mask of our evildoer.
"Tai?! You're the evil villain?"
"What do you expect? Kari put honey in my shampoo the other day and you ate the candy I was saving because in case you've forgotten we don't have anything made with real sugar in the house! Now die!"
Kari reentered the fanfic with a pizza. "Agumon, here!"
Our hero took the pizza and dropped it down Tai's pants. Anyone who's ever dropped hot pizza in their laps can sympathize with Tai right now, because it hurts like the dickens! And so, Slicer-Dicer was defeated by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon, in a story that made absolutely no sense. But, like Armadillomon, one can't write a whole hell of a lot about Agumon, because Agumon is…well, he's Agumon.
~*~
"Thank Kami that one was over. I'm sorry about the lack of humor or whatever, I've been using it all to work on a really whacked-out (but insanely funny) little fic Boss Reo and I are cooking up. Keep sending those Batpig entries, don't fall asleep in homeroom, and BEWARE THE TAMERS! Next weekend is the return of the Weekly Digimon Reports, but Disasterpiece Theater will continue to air. Until then, I'm Lia Agianna, and this has been your dose of insanity for the day."
~*~
I can't believe Tamers start next week.
Neither can I.
Don't worry, Yama,
we fangirls aren't going to desert you!
Oh goody.
Send those
reviews, because we love to get them!
Except flames.
Send flames and answer to me.
