[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Quinn holding the skirt and jeans in front of her]
[START ACT 3: SCENE 2]
[SCENE: Lawndale High]
[SCENE: JANE and DARIA are walking down a deserted hallway. It's obvious nobody's there yet
other than several janitors and teachers]
Jane: The only class we don't have together is - [checks a sheet of paper] Halton's advanced
maths and Yin's information processing and management. [beat, pulls out a crumpled piece of
paper from pocket] And this is your comparitive literature piece. [turns and realised that DARIA
is leaning against her locker fast asleep] Oh for the love of - [hits DARIA with the sheet of
paper. DARIA ignores her. JANE grins and leans in close before speaking. Loud] Oh no! The
cops!
[DARIA jerks upright, wide awake]
Daria: I swear officer I didn't know I was - [blinks. Glares at JANE] That wasn't nice Janey.
Jane: Always wanted to know if that'd work. [beat. Serious tone] Just concentrate -
[emphasises] *Daria*. [hands sheet of paper to DARIA] Your comparitive literature homework. And
I know Daria finished the maths and IT work during her study hall so it should be in her locker.
Daria [horror]: Advanced maths?
Jane: Yeah. I tried to warn her. [beat. Evil grin] Just think of it as your opportunity to
learn something new [emphasises] Daria.
Daria: How about music? [looks at paper in JANE's hand] Does Da - I mean do I do any music?
Jane [arched eyebrow]: Music - *Daria*? [dry] Who are you and what have you done with Daria?
[Neither notice CHARLES RUTHEMIER THE THIRD (high school student/known as UPCHUCK) walking down
other side of corridor]
Daria [grin]: I stole her body and replaced it with my brain. I'm really Trent your older
brother.
Jane [playing along]: Ah yes. But what made you choose *her* body in particular - I mean. Just
imagine, as a young man with the ability to swap bodies, you could have ended up in - [obviously
pulling name out of thin air] Quinn Morgendoffer. . . No - BRITANNY TAILOR's body!
[UPCHUCK's eyes are wide in shock and then lust]
Daria: Nah - I like this body fine. Athlethic, smooth, nice suspension and a really -
Jane [wincing]: Right. Don't say anymore. I don't want to know anymore Trent. [winces] Oh god
- I need to wash out my brain.
Daria: [smirks]
[UPCHUCK continues walking but has a strange look in his eyes]
Jane: Come on. I think I can remember Daria's login name and password. [drags DARIA off]
[SCENE SWITCH TO:]
[SCENE: D'MARTINO's class, later in day]
[SCENE: D'MARTINO is standing at the front writing some notes on blackboard. The class is bored
and most are flipping through magazines, talking or listening to music on their walkmans. In
front row, JANE is staring at DARIA in horror, JODIE is also staring at DARIA but with a grin.
DARIA is slowly nodding off, slumped over table in a Trent-esque fashion that is totally unlike
her]
D'Martino [turning around]: - and so, in an effort to compensate for the continual losses to the
provincial American colonies, the British Empire turned to - [beat] Kevin!
Kevin [startled]: The world series?
D'Martino: [sigh] BRITANNY?
Britanny: Um. . . New Zealand?
D'Martino: Close but NO CIGAR MS TAYLOR. [sigh] Daria?
DARIA: [jumping in seat, startled into the land of the waking] Um - New Orleans?
[D'MARTINO stares at her as the rest of the class suddenly grows silent]
D'Martino: N-n-no. [takes a breath while still staring at DARIA. Turns back to the rest of the
class] The British Empire turned their colonisation skills to the newly rediscovered continent
of Australia.
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: Barch's science class]
[SCENE: BARCH is lecturing in front of a large, intricate board filled with zeroes and xs. KEVIN
is sitting at the front, wide awake, taking notes frantically. However, he is the only person,
most of the people in the class are falling asleep, JANE and DARIA among them. BARCH suddenly
slams her hand on desk]
Daria [startled out of sleep]: - underage officer? I swear I thought sixteen was the age of
consent -! [wakes up, blinks and flushes]
Jane [closing eyes, leaning head on hand]: Trent when Daria gets her hands on you. . .
[CLASS is laughing while BARCH looks shocked]
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: O'Neil's Comparitive English class. DARIA is sitting down at desk, yawning]
Daria: I don't know how she does it - all those letters. So little time.
Jane [sympathethic]: Advanced algebraic formulations?
Daria: COBOL. [shudders. Digs into pocket and pulls out a much crumpled sheet of paper]
Comparitive literature?
Jane: Not having you to send Mr. O'Neil into tears is going to cut into our pizza time. [sighs]
Jodie and I just can't do the same as quickly.
Daria: Crying? [shrugs and sits down].
[MS. LI (principal/egomaniac/tyrant of Lawndale High) meanwhile has appeared in doorway with a
pile of papers and an impatient look]
Ms. Li: Attention young people! Mr. O'Neil is taking a leave of convolences as accorded to him by
the [muttering] stupid slacker-based [louder] Teacher's Union contract. Due to budget cuts, a
substitute with agreeable qualifications could not be found for this period. Mr. O'Neil will
return by the end of this term to receive your final assessment pieces which you shall receive
today with your new shedules. For the remainder of this term, you shall be reassigned to new
classes. [beat] For those of you who are using this class as your English requirement, your
shedule has been rearranged so that you will be in an earlier class. For those of you who have
no current study-hall class, you have been assigned to Ms Delonga's study hall. For those of you
who are taking this subject as an elective and already have a study hall, you have been
reassigned to classes within this block. [beat. Looks down at first paper] J. [pronouncing it
'JAY'] White -
Jamie: That's *JAMIE* - honestly is it so hard for people to *remember*?!
[MS. LI continues reading out names and handing out slips of paper]
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: same place, couple of minutes later. DARIA and JANE both have new shedules in front of
them]
Jane: Cool. I've got English when I have art, and art now. And since I've already finished the
end of year project I can head home early. [grins and turns to DARIA] What about you?
Daria: Cool. [beat] Music appreciation.
Jane [eyes wide]: And that was something I thought I'd never hear from Daria Morgendoffer before.
[grins] I guess there was a reason for [realises she's surrounded by other students within
hearing distance] what happened to happen hey, Daria.
Daria: [looking at shedule] I'll show Nick I can pass. [stands up and walks out of classroom
leaving JANE stunned]
Jodie [walking up to stand next to JANE's table]: Something's different about Daria. She's been
acting strange all day.
Jane: You wouldn't know the half of it. [beat, realises that JODIE is staring at her
inquisitationally] Trent and Daria broke up on the weekend. [changes subject quickly] So what
are you doing instead of driving Mr. O'Neil to a nervous breakdown?
Jodie: My music appreciation class got swapped down so I could do English in the third block.
[shrugs] I hope they've got better singers in seventh block.
[ZOOM IN: JANE's eyes are wide in horror]
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: Later same day. Mr. JACOB's (Music teacher/old, tall, thin man with gray hair growing in
a Friar Tuck circle around his bald palate) Music Appreciation class]
[SCENE: The room is made of brick, large with a circle made up of normal tables. Keyboards and a
sound system are set up on the outside of the circle and a drum kit and microphones have been set
up in the center of the circle. Several students are seated on the top of the tables. There are
more in the center at the microphones and more at keyboards and piano and one enthusiastically
tapping at the drum kit]
Jacob: Right. With Ms Li having the guitars restrung, we'll have to use the instrumental version
today okay? [chorus of replies] We'll start with Greenday's Time of Your Life. [nods to male
student at sound system] One, two - three -
[STUDENTS at the keyboard start playing a simple chord combination while in the background the
instrumental version is playing. Girl at the drum kit is hammering away happily, occasionally
loosing the beat. JODIE walks in, wincing as a student at the keyboard plays a sour chord, and
the singers start singing. However, one voice rises above the rest, noticeably more in tune,
stronger and much more confident. JODIE frowns, not recognising voice and pokes head through
circle of students sitting on table to get a better view. Her eyes' widen]
[DARIA has her closed, and is holding microphone close in Trent-esque gesture when he's on stage.
As she sings, the other students grow silent - mostly in shock that DARIA MORGENDOFFER is
singing. DARIA is singing low, the way TRENT normally does, however, because of her own vocal
capacity, the words come out husky, reminiscent of a 30s glamour star (the sort that use to lie
flat on a grand piano to sing). In background UPCHUCK - who is also in front of a mike - is
staring in shock and lust]
Daria: Time grabs you by the wrist//directs you where to go//So make the best of this test//and
don't [last of singing students stop, everybody is staring at DARIA who still has eyes closed and
doesn't notice] ask why//It's not a question//but a lesson learned in time//It's something
unpredicatable//but in the end it's right//I hope you had the time of your life. [breaks and
opens eyes as guitar solo plays over system. Realises she's being stared at and looks confused.
Guitar solo ends and DARIA starts singing again, this time without closing eyes or leaning
forward, it's obvious she's awkward with the staring circle of shocked eyes and that she's
remembered that she's currently in DARIA's body and not her own] So take the photographs//and
still-frames in your mind//Hang it on a shelf//of good health and good time.
[UPCHUCK suddenly wiggles through the circle of students at the microphones and steps in front of
DARIA. He's actually sharing microphone with DARIA as he joins in. His voice is a tenor and
slightly warbly, but he can hold a tune]
Upchuck: Tattoos of memories//and dead skin on trial.
Daria [shrinking back from Upchuck slightly but still singing]: For what it's worth//it was worth
all the while
Upchuck and Daria (together): It's something unpredicatable//but in the end it's right
Upchuck (yelling rather than singing): I hope you had the time of your life! [growls in
trade-mark Upchuck way into microphone]
[There's a squeal of feedback static that has everybody wincing]
[JODIE runs to DARIA and grabs her hands. The rest of the students and JACOB's are still staring
at DARIA in shock]
Jodie: Daria! I never knew you could sing so well!
Daria [still awkward and fully aware that the students and JACOB's are staring at her]: Janey
usually says I can't. [undertone] Music appreciation has changed since - [cuts off. Beat] Why
is everybody staring at me?
[FADE TO BLACK]
[SCENE: Lane House - Bathroom. TRENT is cautiously stepping out of the shower, his eyes are
close, the camera view is above waist. His hair is wet]
Trent: [V/O: (DARIA's voice) "Just one little peak?" [beat] "No. No way. Uh uh. No way in
*hell*." [beat] [cajoling] "Come on. . . You know you want to." [beat] [flat] "You are an
example of what happens when I spend too much time within Jane's influence." [beat] "Oh come on
- stop kidding yourself. You're curious and nobody will ever need to -"]
Jane: My my. What do we have here?
[TRENT promptly opens his eyes, looks around wildly for JANE (avoiding the small mirror above the
sink) and trips over the bath mat]
Trent: Ow. [looks up as a towel lands on his head] Hey! [Pulls towel off face]
[JANE is standing facing the door of the bathroom so she can't see him]
Jane: Make yourself presentable [carolling] brother dear. And I shall tell you tales of such
*magnitude*! Let me share with thee the secret of how to utterly shatter long-standing
reputations. [grins]
Trent [standing up and wrapping towel around waist - with eyes closed]: My reputation as a brain
or my reputation as an alien creature from Mars here to observe the shallow and brain-*dead*?
Jane: Both I think. [grinning as she turned around and notices TRENT has his eyes closed] You do
realise that you're going to have to look at yourself *sometime*.
Trent: [grimly] Not if I can help it Lane. Now help me find something clean to wear.
Jane: [surprised] Clean? [beat] You mean - as in washed? [beat] As in *Trent*'s laundry.
Trent: [groaning] Oh god. [beat] Fine. Find me something else to wear other than this towel and
then you can help me do his laundry. [beat] And when this is over, I will personally run a
magnet over all of your bishonen anime videos if you *ever* mention this. *Ever*.
Jane [grinning]: Ah. More blackmail material.
Trent: Shut up or I'll flash you.
Jane [shuddering. Meekly]: Yes Daria.
[END ACT 3: SCENE 2]
[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Daria serenading the microphone with Upchuck]
[END PART 1 of 'Dating the Musician]
[START ACT 3: SCENE 2]
[SCENE: Lawndale High]
[SCENE: JANE and DARIA are walking down a deserted hallway. It's obvious nobody's there yet
other than several janitors and teachers]
Jane: The only class we don't have together is - [checks a sheet of paper] Halton's advanced
maths and Yin's information processing and management. [beat, pulls out a crumpled piece of
paper from pocket] And this is your comparitive literature piece. [turns and realised that DARIA
is leaning against her locker fast asleep] Oh for the love of - [hits DARIA with the sheet of
paper. DARIA ignores her. JANE grins and leans in close before speaking. Loud] Oh no! The
cops!
[DARIA jerks upright, wide awake]
Daria: I swear officer I didn't know I was - [blinks. Glares at JANE] That wasn't nice Janey.
Jane: Always wanted to know if that'd work. [beat. Serious tone] Just concentrate -
[emphasises] *Daria*. [hands sheet of paper to DARIA] Your comparitive literature homework. And
I know Daria finished the maths and IT work during her study hall so it should be in her locker.
Daria [horror]: Advanced maths?
Jane: Yeah. I tried to warn her. [beat. Evil grin] Just think of it as your opportunity to
learn something new [emphasises] Daria.
Daria: How about music? [looks at paper in JANE's hand] Does Da - I mean do I do any music?
Jane [arched eyebrow]: Music - *Daria*? [dry] Who are you and what have you done with Daria?
[Neither notice CHARLES RUTHEMIER THE THIRD (high school student/known as UPCHUCK) walking down
other side of corridor]
Daria [grin]: I stole her body and replaced it with my brain. I'm really Trent your older
brother.
Jane [playing along]: Ah yes. But what made you choose *her* body in particular - I mean. Just
imagine, as a young man with the ability to swap bodies, you could have ended up in - [obviously
pulling name out of thin air] Quinn Morgendoffer. . . No - BRITANNY TAILOR's body!
[UPCHUCK's eyes are wide in shock and then lust]
Daria: Nah - I like this body fine. Athlethic, smooth, nice suspension and a really -
Jane [wincing]: Right. Don't say anymore. I don't want to know anymore Trent. [winces] Oh god
- I need to wash out my brain.
Daria: [smirks]
[UPCHUCK continues walking but has a strange look in his eyes]
Jane: Come on. I think I can remember Daria's login name and password. [drags DARIA off]
[SCENE SWITCH TO:]
[SCENE: D'MARTINO's class, later in day]
[SCENE: D'MARTINO is standing at the front writing some notes on blackboard. The class is bored
and most are flipping through magazines, talking or listening to music on their walkmans. In
front row, JANE is staring at DARIA in horror, JODIE is also staring at DARIA but with a grin.
DARIA is slowly nodding off, slumped over table in a Trent-esque fashion that is totally unlike
her]
D'Martino [turning around]: - and so, in an effort to compensate for the continual losses to the
provincial American colonies, the British Empire turned to - [beat] Kevin!
Kevin [startled]: The world series?
D'Martino: [sigh] BRITANNY?
Britanny: Um. . . New Zealand?
D'Martino: Close but NO CIGAR MS TAYLOR. [sigh] Daria?
DARIA: [jumping in seat, startled into the land of the waking] Um - New Orleans?
[D'MARTINO stares at her as the rest of the class suddenly grows silent]
D'Martino: N-n-no. [takes a breath while still staring at DARIA. Turns back to the rest of the
class] The British Empire turned their colonisation skills to the newly rediscovered continent
of Australia.
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: Barch's science class]
[SCENE: BARCH is lecturing in front of a large, intricate board filled with zeroes and xs. KEVIN
is sitting at the front, wide awake, taking notes frantically. However, he is the only person,
most of the people in the class are falling asleep, JANE and DARIA among them. BARCH suddenly
slams her hand on desk]
Daria [startled out of sleep]: - underage officer? I swear I thought sixteen was the age of
consent -! [wakes up, blinks and flushes]
Jane [closing eyes, leaning head on hand]: Trent when Daria gets her hands on you. . .
[CLASS is laughing while BARCH looks shocked]
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: O'Neil's Comparitive English class. DARIA is sitting down at desk, yawning]
Daria: I don't know how she does it - all those letters. So little time.
Jane [sympathethic]: Advanced algebraic formulations?
Daria: COBOL. [shudders. Digs into pocket and pulls out a much crumpled sheet of paper]
Comparitive literature?
Jane: Not having you to send Mr. O'Neil into tears is going to cut into our pizza time. [sighs]
Jodie and I just can't do the same as quickly.
Daria: Crying? [shrugs and sits down].
[MS. LI (principal/egomaniac/tyrant of Lawndale High) meanwhile has appeared in doorway with a
pile of papers and an impatient look]
Ms. Li: Attention young people! Mr. O'Neil is taking a leave of convolences as accorded to him by
the [muttering] stupid slacker-based [louder] Teacher's Union contract. Due to budget cuts, a
substitute with agreeable qualifications could not be found for this period. Mr. O'Neil will
return by the end of this term to receive your final assessment pieces which you shall receive
today with your new shedules. For the remainder of this term, you shall be reassigned to new
classes. [beat] For those of you who are using this class as your English requirement, your
shedule has been rearranged so that you will be in an earlier class. For those of you who have
no current study-hall class, you have been assigned to Ms Delonga's study hall. For those of you
who are taking this subject as an elective and already have a study hall, you have been
reassigned to classes within this block. [beat. Looks down at first paper] J. [pronouncing it
'JAY'] White -
Jamie: That's *JAMIE* - honestly is it so hard for people to *remember*?!
[MS. LI continues reading out names and handing out slips of paper]
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: same place, couple of minutes later. DARIA and JANE both have new shedules in front of
them]
Jane: Cool. I've got English when I have art, and art now. And since I've already finished the
end of year project I can head home early. [grins and turns to DARIA] What about you?
Daria: Cool. [beat] Music appreciation.
Jane [eyes wide]: And that was something I thought I'd never hear from Daria Morgendoffer before.
[grins] I guess there was a reason for [realises she's surrounded by other students within
hearing distance] what happened to happen hey, Daria.
Daria: [looking at shedule] I'll show Nick I can pass. [stands up and walks out of classroom
leaving JANE stunned]
Jodie [walking up to stand next to JANE's table]: Something's different about Daria. She's been
acting strange all day.
Jane: You wouldn't know the half of it. [beat, realises that JODIE is staring at her
inquisitationally] Trent and Daria broke up on the weekend. [changes subject quickly] So what
are you doing instead of driving Mr. O'Neil to a nervous breakdown?
Jodie: My music appreciation class got swapped down so I could do English in the third block.
[shrugs] I hope they've got better singers in seventh block.
[ZOOM IN: JANE's eyes are wide in horror]
[FADE TO:]
[SCENE: Later same day. Mr. JACOB's (Music teacher/old, tall, thin man with gray hair growing in
a Friar Tuck circle around his bald palate) Music Appreciation class]
[SCENE: The room is made of brick, large with a circle made up of normal tables. Keyboards and a
sound system are set up on the outside of the circle and a drum kit and microphones have been set
up in the center of the circle. Several students are seated on the top of the tables. There are
more in the center at the microphones and more at keyboards and piano and one enthusiastically
tapping at the drum kit]
Jacob: Right. With Ms Li having the guitars restrung, we'll have to use the instrumental version
today okay? [chorus of replies] We'll start with Greenday's Time of Your Life. [nods to male
student at sound system] One, two - three -
[STUDENTS at the keyboard start playing a simple chord combination while in the background the
instrumental version is playing. Girl at the drum kit is hammering away happily, occasionally
loosing the beat. JODIE walks in, wincing as a student at the keyboard plays a sour chord, and
the singers start singing. However, one voice rises above the rest, noticeably more in tune,
stronger and much more confident. JODIE frowns, not recognising voice and pokes head through
circle of students sitting on table to get a better view. Her eyes' widen]
[DARIA has her closed, and is holding microphone close in Trent-esque gesture when he's on stage.
As she sings, the other students grow silent - mostly in shock that DARIA MORGENDOFFER is
singing. DARIA is singing low, the way TRENT normally does, however, because of her own vocal
capacity, the words come out husky, reminiscent of a 30s glamour star (the sort that use to lie
flat on a grand piano to sing). In background UPCHUCK - who is also in front of a mike - is
staring in shock and lust]
Daria: Time grabs you by the wrist//directs you where to go//So make the best of this test//and
don't [last of singing students stop, everybody is staring at DARIA who still has eyes closed and
doesn't notice] ask why//It's not a question//but a lesson learned in time//It's something
unpredicatable//but in the end it's right//I hope you had the time of your life. [breaks and
opens eyes as guitar solo plays over system. Realises she's being stared at and looks confused.
Guitar solo ends and DARIA starts singing again, this time without closing eyes or leaning
forward, it's obvious she's awkward with the staring circle of shocked eyes and that she's
remembered that she's currently in DARIA's body and not her own] So take the photographs//and
still-frames in your mind//Hang it on a shelf//of good health and good time.
[UPCHUCK suddenly wiggles through the circle of students at the microphones and steps in front of
DARIA. He's actually sharing microphone with DARIA as he joins in. His voice is a tenor and
slightly warbly, but he can hold a tune]
Upchuck: Tattoos of memories//and dead skin on trial.
Daria [shrinking back from Upchuck slightly but still singing]: For what it's worth//it was worth
all the while
Upchuck and Daria (together): It's something unpredicatable//but in the end it's right
Upchuck (yelling rather than singing): I hope you had the time of your life! [growls in
trade-mark Upchuck way into microphone]
[There's a squeal of feedback static that has everybody wincing]
[JODIE runs to DARIA and grabs her hands. The rest of the students and JACOB's are still staring
at DARIA in shock]
Jodie: Daria! I never knew you could sing so well!
Daria [still awkward and fully aware that the students and JACOB's are staring at her]: Janey
usually says I can't. [undertone] Music appreciation has changed since - [cuts off. Beat] Why
is everybody staring at me?
[FADE TO BLACK]
[SCENE: Lane House - Bathroom. TRENT is cautiously stepping out of the shower, his eyes are
close, the camera view is above waist. His hair is wet]
Trent: [V/O: (DARIA's voice) "Just one little peak?" [beat] "No. No way. Uh uh. No way in
*hell*." [beat] [cajoling] "Come on. . . You know you want to." [beat] [flat] "You are an
example of what happens when I spend too much time within Jane's influence." [beat] "Oh come on
- stop kidding yourself. You're curious and nobody will ever need to -"]
Jane: My my. What do we have here?
[TRENT promptly opens his eyes, looks around wildly for JANE (avoiding the small mirror above the
sink) and trips over the bath mat]
Trent: Ow. [looks up as a towel lands on his head] Hey! [Pulls towel off face]
[JANE is standing facing the door of the bathroom so she can't see him]
Jane: Make yourself presentable [carolling] brother dear. And I shall tell you tales of such
*magnitude*! Let me share with thee the secret of how to utterly shatter long-standing
reputations. [grins]
Trent [standing up and wrapping towel around waist - with eyes closed]: My reputation as a brain
or my reputation as an alien creature from Mars here to observe the shallow and brain-*dead*?
Jane: Both I think. [grinning as she turned around and notices TRENT has his eyes closed] You do
realise that you're going to have to look at yourself *sometime*.
Trent: [grimly] Not if I can help it Lane. Now help me find something clean to wear.
Jane: [surprised] Clean? [beat] You mean - as in washed? [beat] As in *Trent*'s laundry.
Trent: [groaning] Oh god. [beat] Fine. Find me something else to wear other than this towel and
then you can help me do his laundry. [beat] And when this is over, I will personally run a
magnet over all of your bishonen anime videos if you *ever* mention this. *Ever*.
Jane [grinning]: Ah. More blackmail material.
Trent: Shut up or I'll flash you.
Jane [shuddering. Meekly]: Yes Daria.
[END ACT 3: SCENE 2]
[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Daria serenading the microphone with Upchuck]
[END PART 1 of 'Dating the Musician]
