Disasterpiece Theater
Vanquishing evil long before
the Tamers.
A very out-of-breath Lia sits in her chair, trying to look calm and collected while panting. A plate of leftover pasta salad sits on her lap with the fork sticking out of her mouth as she tries to type. She sets the fork down on her plate and takes a deep breath.
"Welcome to another edition of Disasterpiece Theater. I'd be a little more calm and collected if I hadn't just run down the hall from the Weekly Digimon Reports. Well, anyway, these things continue, and today's fic hero is Veemon!"
~*~
Austin Veemon sat lounging on an inflatable raft in the middle of the company pool, surrounded by a hoard of ladyfriends, giggling and serving him drinks.
"Bambi, masshage me a little lower, shweetie."
Just then his official Austin Powers Trio cell phone started ringing.
"Oh, cripesh. Hang on, girlsh. Aushtin Veemon here, baby."
"Hallo, Austin. This is Izzy Exposition with DOPE. You're the only member of the Trio around this weekend and Dr. Evil has hatched some serious trouble."
"Shay no more, Izzhy. I'm on my way."
Veemon started to get up, but flipped over in his raft and fell into the pool. He resurfaced, his glasses cockeyed, and spat a mouthful of pool water out.
"Shorry, ladiesh, but duty callsh."
~*~
Little did our hero know, it was his evil twin brother causing the problem. Yes, you may not know it, but the evil Impmon of Tamers is really Austin Veemon's evil twin.
Quiet, you, it's for plot purposes!
Raised as a circus mime with Catherine and Trowa of Gundam Wing, Impmon had big plans. His family knew he was the evil brother from the very beginning, biting Veemon's ears and poking him with sharp pointy sticks, they isolated him in hopes to correct his evil ways. This only angered him more, and now Impmon was ready to wreak havoc until he got his revenge on his goody-goody brother.
"Hey, Impmon, why ishn't thish Mon World?"
"Silence, VeeMondo! How many times do I have to tell you, the Mon Colle Knights sucked and you have no place to go now? You are just a wandering big-haired child and my pawn in the annihilation of my lisping brother!"
"Oh."
Yes, Impmon had taken in Mondo of the Mon Colle Knights, for he had a band-aid on his head and sounded like Veemon.
~*~
Meanwhile, Austin Veemon was cruising around town in the Shagmobile, trying to find the villains…and a good radio station.
"Aha! Hit me baby…"
No! You're not singing that! If you do, I'll make your
station play nothing but the CDs I own for the rest of your life!
"I'll shtop, I'll shtop!"
Just then a lion jumped onto the hood of the car, snarling and foaming and roaring.
"Hey, Leomon ishn't shupposhed to be in thish!" Austin Veemon hollered, going for his little silver gun. He pulled it out of his crushed velvet pants pocket and fired away.
"Grape jelly?"
Network censors say no violence or I lose my timeslot to the Power Rangers and end up on at eight-thirty in the morning.
"Oh. Take thish, lion!" Veemon hollered, squirting grape jelly for all he was worth. The lion became confused and bored and frankly gave up, running off to eat somebody worth eating…like Cody.
He's short and Cody-ish, that's why. Besides, if you were a lion, would you rather eat Cody, Kari, or Joe?
Cody.
I rest my case. Now get out of here!
Veemon stroked his chin. "Hmm. Why would a lion shuddenly
show up in Tokyo?"
A mess of juggling balls
rained down on him, pelting our hero with their round, colorfulness.
"Ow! Ow! Wait…juggling
ballsh? And a lion? Thish can mean only one thing!"
Impmon hopped into the
passenger seat.
"Hello again, brother. I
see you've taken an interest in bad 60's parodies."
"Impmon, I shee you're
shtill a jerk. Trying to kill me ash ushual?"
"Of course. VeeMondo, get
him!"
Mondo jumped down into the backseat and started
strangling our hero, while whining in his frightening Veemon voice.
"Can't…breathe…musht…shtop…judo
chop!" Veemon managed to crack him one on the band-aid, causing the chibi child
to holler, fall backwards and out of the car, getting run over by crazy
Masaharu and his ugly box of a van.
"Ash for you, Impmon…"
Austin Veemon said, pulling the car over to the side of the road.
Veemon and Impmon got out
of the car, sissy-fighting each other. You know, flapping your hands at a high
rate of speed and whacking each other's hands. Impmon yanked a cream pie out of
hammerspace and threw it in our hero's face, only to be doused with a bottle of
seltzer water.
"Wait a shec! Lia, what
givesh? What'sh hammershpache?"
It's where anime girls get those giant mallets and whatever else.
"Oh, really?"
Veemon reached into the pocket of uselessness and pulled
out a large spatula, slamming it down on his brother. Impmon folded up like an
accordion and popped back up, staggering around clumsily as little stars
circled his head.
"D-d-digimon, digimon,
digimon are the champions!" he babbled.
"Schore one for me,
Aushtin Veemon!"
~*~
Impmon was carted off to the Tamers set, where he was
strictly reprimanded. The court found him guilty of pestering a retired Digimon
02 member and sentenced him to half a season working with Quatre's band of
Manguanacs, under the strict eye of Rashid, the scary leader of the Arabs who
looks like Wolverine. Austin Veemon went back to his pool for a little while.
That is, until Davis arrived.
"Hey Veemon, with all
that money I got doing the narration for Tamers, I bought you these tapes on
how to get rid of your lisp!"
Veemon growled. "That'sh
not funny, Davish!"
And with that, Austin
Veemon began his new mission, hunting down his human partner and beating him
senseless for commenting on his lisp, or at least giving him a killer wedgie.
~*~
"That's all for this weekend. Sorry it was so short, I
couldn't think of much more for Veemon to do without the rest of the Trio. But
getting them would mean dealing with Shadowmon, and she already annoys me
enough regularly. For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. Can somebody get me some
ice cream or do I have to wilt in this humidity?"
~*~
Well, that wraps up another episode.
You look tired.
I babysat last night, not to mention getting up early to watch Card Captors.
Oh, that's
right, you have a thing for Yue too.
Well, what else am I going to do now that you're nonexistent in the new series?
They'll mention
me! They mentioned Yolei, and she's…well…Yolei!
