Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

*whimper* I still can't find my Latin book.

Well, we're broadcasting in the Agianna apartment again. Why? Well, it may be because Lia didn't feel like heading over to the studio. Or it may be because the Austin Powers Trio filled her entire Disasterpiece studio with shaving cream. Probably that one.

"Hey guys, welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm Lia, and I should be doing a collage for chemistry right now. And my Latin book vanished from my locker…I wholeheartedly blame Jeff Nimoy. I don't know how or why, but I blame him. Okay, anyway, let's pick our big winner. Today we're featuring…Nicki. Uh oh, I know what this is going to entail."

~*~

Nicki was lying on the couch, cursing the Tamers as she munched on a piece of toast. Shadowmon waltzed in wearing a little white lab coat and Davis's goggles perched on her head.

"Okay, Mr. Wizard, what's with the getup?" Nicki questioned as her cat came and sat down on the armchair.

"How could they name him Henry?" she asked, avoiding the question.

"Shadowmon…"

"Oh, this? Nothing. I just solved the age-old question that has baffled us since the dawn of time…or at least the dawn of Digimon."

"And that would be…what?" Nicki asked pointedly, turning up the volume on the TV.

"Why you hate Matt so much."

Nicki laughed, nearly choking on her toast. "I know that answer already. It's because he's a baka and he's blonde and I'm a better musician than he is."

"Nope. After conclusive experiments performed in the DOPE laboratories, I have come up with a scientific reason. Watch this."

A projector and a screen appeared out of nowhere, the television turning off, as did the lights.

"Hey! I was watching that!"

"You're taping it," Shad retorted. "Now watch my movie, it took me ten whole minutes to make."

The picture showed a piece of notebook paper, on which was scribbled, "Why Nicki Hates Matt," as held up by Veemon, who stuck his head into the frame and winked rakishly. He held up another sign, reading, "As Narrated by Gomamon Powers, PhD."

"What's Gomer have a PhD in?" Nicki asked.

"Being a shagadelic swinger baby, yeah!"

"Some things just don't go together. Plaids and stripes, Cool Ranch Doritos and relish, Gabumon and ice cream. But the two biggest mismatches in the history of history happen to be Matt and Nicki. But why? Why does Nicki loathe him so much? Well, science can explain it. Take these magnets for example…Veemon, put the magnets on the table!"

A pair of bar magnets appeared, along with another shot of Veemon.

"All right, baby, here are our magnets. Look, opposite poles attract. But if we turn both poles to S…"

"Both of those S's stand for Stupid Blonde, by the way," Shadowmon added from her spot on the armchair. Nicki shot her a dark look.

"See? Lookit! They repel each other!" Gomamon shouted. "This proves our theory! You and Matt can't stand each other because you're so alike!"

"We even have thish shpechial checklisht to prove it!" Veemon added.

The film stopped abruptly. Nicki blinked at the screen several times, then ran screaming from the apartment.

~*~

Nicki ran and ran, to where she wasn't quite sure. Eventually, after running down a few mimes and the occasional street musician, she found herself ringing the doorbell repeatedly at apartment number 202. She plowed past a confused Masaharu, storming into Matt's room. He was seated on the top of his amplifier, plucking at his guitar strings. She marched right over to him and socked him right in the nose.

"Ow! Hey, what the heck was that for?" he hollered, falling off the amp and clutching his nose.

"We are not alike, and nothing those stupid digimon can say can prove otherwise! You're blonde and you're stupid and I'm better than you!"

Matt blinked foolishly. "Did I miss something?"

Gabumon waddled in, licking a probably purloined ice cream cone.

"Is she bothering you? You want me to blow her up?" he asked excitedly.

"Um…in a few minutes, Gabumon. Let me try and handle this on my own first."

Nicki clenched her fists, ready to hit her adversary again. She pulled her glowing Meowth keychain out of her pocket and struck him across the face with it, the Meowth lighting up.

"I challenge you to a duel! My honor as a former Team Rocket Gym Leader, a girl, a member of the high school Women's Choir, and somebody better than you is at stake and I will not be dissatisfied!"

"Uh, Nicki…can we maybe talk about this first? I don't get what's going on here."

Nicki said nothing, digging into her pockets and producing a large wooden mallet.

Gabumon flopped onto the bed, deciding to be the all-important digimon and explain things.

"Gabumon…"

"The mallet? Nicki's got a hammerspace in her many useless pockets. That's where Biyomon gets all the Batpig gadgets."

Matt nodded, reaching his hand into his own void of useless tools for something he could use in defense.

"I'm a muse, so I should be equipped with something good," he muttered, still trying to find a proper weapon as Nicki came charging at him hollering like Van Fanel or Wufei and swinging her mallet ferociously.

Matt extracted a jeweled Sailor Scout stick thingy. "What the?"

"YOU WILL DIEEEEEEE!" Nicki cried, swinging the mallet again.

"Um…Star Power?!"

There was a flash of light and a brunette girl in a Sailor Scout fuku appeared, trying to keep her skirt from flying up.

"I'm Sailor…"

"Lia?!" blonde and mental case questioned in unison.

"Ruin my big number, will ya?" she pouted. "So…I'm here for guidance, Matt. Whaddya need?"

"A weapon! Nicki's got that giant mallet and she's going to take my head off and all you can give me is this? I'm your fecking muse, I deserve better!"

Lia shrugged. "Can't help ya there."

"Wha? Why not?"

"Nicki's Disasterpiece. She gets what she wants."

Matt frowned. "Can't you at least slow her down or something?"

"I'll try."

Nicki tossed the mallet aside, finding it useless. Matt started frantically fumbling around in hammerspace for something, anything and pulled out…

"A spatula? Of all the weapons she could give me I get a spatula?!"

Nicki went into her pockets again and pulled out Quatre, violin and all. She stole the rosined bow from the little blonde and tossed him aside as well.

"Don't think you're going to win against me with your pet author trying to trip me up, BakaYama. You're going to die, one way or another!"

"Would you give it a rest? I swear, I've done absolutely nothing to you at all whatsoever in the past six months and you're trying to kill me!"

Nicki charged at him with the violin bow, trying to smack him with it, or poke an eye out, or something. Matt went into hammerspace again, hoping he'd pull out somebody's weapon, or a mecha. Instead…

"Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots? If I make it out of this alive, you're seriously going to regret this, Lia!"

I highly doubt that, Muse.

Nicki thought carefully. "All right, since we're both going to end up pulling useless objects for the rest of the fic let's just have a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots battle? If I win, you proclaim to the world my superiority over you and be my miserable slave for the rest of your pathetic life."

"And if I win?"

"You're not going to win, BakaYama, so don't even…"

"That's it. If I win, you're to never call me that again. And you're to give Lia back everything you borrow from her on time, when she asks for it. Got it?"

"Fine. Bring it on, Baka."

'Mr. Referee' from Medabots appeared out of nowhere, while Gabumon and Masaharu sat on the bed with popcorn watching.

"Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, ro-battle!"

The little hunks of plastic battled back and forth, smacking each other in the heads.

"Hey, look, aren't those Lia and Sora…with bishounen other than you?" Nicki asked innocently.

"Where?!"

Nicki grabbed Matt's robot by the head and yanked until it popped off.

"Oops, too bad. You lost," she taunted.

"Wha? Wait a minute, you cheated! That's not fair!"

"Nothing's fair."

Matt jumped into his hammerspace, rummaged around, and came out with his Kaiser glasses, sliding them on.

"Whoo, a pair of gay purple Raybands, I'm so scared."

Of course, little does Nicki know those 'Raybands' give Matt laser heat vision…that he aptly shot at her.

Shadowmon ported into the room, jumped up, clawed Matt in the face, leapt into Nicki's arms, and ported the two of them out. Matt flopped onto his bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the fact that his face was bleeding. Gabumon and his father stared at him.

"That's not his girlfriend, right?"

"Nope. That's just her girlfriend's best friend."

"Ouch. Hey, let's go blow something up."

Gabumon grinned. "Two steps ahead of you."

Matt sighed. "Why me?"

~*~

Nicki and her cat teleported onto the couch, landing with a flurry of cushions. Nicki stared unhappily at the VCR clock.

"Great, I missed all of my shows, and for what? I didn't even break his spine!"

Shadowmon shrugged, trying to put body glitter on.

"Hey, Izzy called while you were off beating up Matt. He said Lia gave you guys permission to do a romance fic thing for your Disasterpiece."

"Wha?! But it's almost over! I wasted my story trying to beat up Matt! I can't believe this!"

Shadowmon snickered cruelly. "At least she didn't put in the part she originally thought of doing."

"What's that?"

"Having Matt recite a list of couplings that make you cringe…like Miyakoushiro…or the most painful of all."

"Do I dare as what that is?"

The black-and-blue cat narrowed her eyes, a Cheshire Cat grin spreading across her face.

"You and Matt."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Nicki ran off and shut herself in her room. When we found her several hours later, she was in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, watching Dragonball Z reruns and mumbling the P***mon Johto theme.

~*~

"Well, that was another edition of Disasterpiece Theater. The whole magnet thing was based on a note Nicki slipped me between classes Tuesday morning. Actually, a lot of this was based on the note…and my psychotic love for Saturday morning cartoons. I'm Lia, and this was your insanity for the day. Stay tuned to this network for another edition of the Weekly Digimon Reports…which means I'm going to have to run across town now. Um…catch ya later!"

~*~

Is that nutcase gone?

Matt, she's probably right here, reading this as we speak.

HIDE ME! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!

Isn't he cute? ~.^ Now Nicki, will this make you gimme my story any faster, or will I have to actually write that you x Matt fic as slow painful torture? Hmm?

Um…review…and maybe she'll go away.