Disasterpiece Theater
We are never broken.
Seated in the red white and blue bedecked WDR studio was Lia, clad in a cranberry zip-up sweatshirt, a white v-neck shirt and jeans. Elsewhere in the studio Matt and his band of motley musicians were playing a long set of patriotic tunes.
"Welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm Lia, and in case you didn't read the Weekly Digimon Reports, the gang and I are continuing our sets this weekend despite the tragedy that befell America. You may or may not know that the true-life Lia is a native Massachusetts girl, so because of that our little band of Japanese cartoon folk are doing a tribute to the US around our studios. That, and we're all a little concerned about Mimi, since she lives in New York. She's fine, I assure you Mimi fans, but we're just worried about her. So, without further ado, today's fic cowpoke is…ah, this should be interesting. Matt."
~*~
Every proper Matt fan hates Jun; it's an unspoken law. It certainly made this author cringe when good ol' Masaharu said those infamous words that made our boy lose his cool. You know what I'm talking about.
"Matt, you take the bus back with Jun."
Yup, that. Anyway, what exactly happened to Matt on that four-hour bus ride back to Odaiba? All hell, that's what. These are his words, this is his story.
The VH1 'Behind the Music' opening begins, the words in the sidebar reading 'fame fortune music monsters love hate digivices more monsters.'
~*~
Tai should've gone with Jun, not me. My father must've had me pegged for punishment. Was it really my fault he left a sandwich in his back pocket and got chased halfway to Nagasaki by a bear? So why am I here, at this remote bus stop in the middle of Kami-knows-where with the Junbeast firmly latched to my arm, which has started to turn purple from lack of circulation? Because the producers enjoy making me miserable, that's why.
"I have all your CDs and I know every word by heart in seven different languages not counting Pig Latin and I know everything about you including your favorite brand of cereal and the hair gel to mousse ratio you use in your hair and I even built a web page that gets two and a half hits a month but that's okay because you're the most wonderfullest guy I've ever known in my whole entire life!" she babbled, refusing to loosen her grip on me. In fact, it only got tighter. The bus hadn't even come yet, and I was already thinking of ways to commit suicide. Maybe I should just throw myself at the oncoming traffic and hope somebody will hit me.
Unfortunately, that won't work because the bus pulled up and Jun dragged me bodily up the stairs like a rag doll, my head hitting every step. Yes, she was indeed literally dragging me. The other passengers stared at her, then at me, and started snickering behind their hands. I was helpless, trapped in the insidious clutches of the Junbeast. As long as Lia and Sora weren't anywhere nearby, I was safe. Who knows what they'd think if they ever saw me like this!
She flung me into the seat, bouncing in herself. Luckily I had the window, so I could hopefully stare off into space and completely tune out the whining teenybopper beside me. It works when T.K.'s being a pest, so I figure I won't have a problem.
Dead wrong. Shot down in two microseconds. She started hugging me like mad, slamming my face against the window. I think my eyeballs nearly popped out of their sockets. I couldn't breathe, I know that much.
"I wuv my widdle Matty-chan soooo much, yes I do I do I do!" she jabbered, stroking my head until I thought she was going to yank all the hair out. Now, unless sanctioned by me, nobody touches the hair otherwise I pound them into oblivion. Of course, that doesn't work on girls…although I'm not sure if Jun's even human.
~*~
An hour and a half left to go, and I was pretty certain my brain had turned to mush. Jun was still prattling on about something, still attached to my arm, which had lost all feeling in it by now. I started praying that something would happen to Jun, that lightning would randomly strike her, or an evil digimon would just pop up and beat her senseless, anything. Of course, when one says 'anything' in a Disasterpiece Theater fic, we get anything.
The bus came to a screeching halt, sending half the passengers sprawling into the aisles.
"Hey! What gives?" Jun bellowed in that nails-on-a-chalkboard voice.
"Sorry ma'am, but something jumped out in front of the bus!"
The doors parted involuntarily and a small blue figure stepped on.
"Hey, how you doin'?" he asked in a poor New York accent. He adjusted his red bandanna and marched up and down the aisle, smirking.
Lia, Impmon wasn't even created by then.
This is a Disasterpiece, anything goes.
"Look, all yous people are gonna hafta listen here, see? I ain't no Tony Soprano, but if yous knows what's good for ya, you'll do what I say, got it? Dis here bus is now property of me, Impmon, and all yous stupid humans are gonna be my slaves cuz I'm de boss around here, see?"
If you recall from weeks previous, Impmon (we decided) is Veemon's evil twin brother brought up as a circus mime by G-Wing pilot #3, Trowa Barton (also called No-Name) and now leads a life of heinous crime.
"Now, you're gonna do what I tells ya, or else yous gonna be shot from the cannon and there ain't no net to catch ya, if ya know what I mean."
"Save me Matty, I'm scared!" the Junbeast wailed, clinging to me even tighter. Had Jun not been here…and if she wasn't strangling me…I probably could've pulled out those violet Raybands of mine and become Kaiser Yamato, which would spell trouble for Impmon. However, I've been totally immobilized by the little monster.
"Hold it right there, baby!"
No, you're not imagining things, and neither am I.
"We're the Austin Powers Trio, protecting buses from square carnies like you!"
"Sho get the bloody heck outta here, bro, cuz we're gonna shmack you upshide your mimey head!"
Shadowmon, Gomamon, and Veemon, perceptive little buggers they are, happened to notice me out of all the other fifty someodd passengers on board.
"Cor, lookit tha, Gomie, BakaYama's riding with the Junbeast!"
"Bloody hell, wait'll Lia gets a peep at this!"
"She'll flipping trash hish bum!"
Needless to say, the Austin Powers Trio defeated Impmon with moves copyrighted by the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers.
"You jusht shaid the shecret woid!" Veemon cried, decking his brother over the head with a fire extinguisher.
"See you later, Romeo," Shadowmon giggled as they teleported out with their apprehended carnie.
Why me? Why me?
~*~
After that long, long bus ride I was finally free. Free to go home, lock my doors, and hide from that spiky haired harlot. Ah, but things were not as simple as I had hoped. The minute she skipped off the bus, still dragging me mind you, she happened to plant the biggest, wettest, most disgusting kiss on me ever imaginable…right in front of both girlfriends, who had gone out shopping together.
"Bye-bye, loverboy! Call me, kay?" she chirped, prancing off.
Sora was bright red and Lia was ashen, both of them glowering at me darkly.
"Yamato, you got some 'splaining to do," they growled.
I think I'd rather take the bus with Jun again than face the wrath of them.
~*~
"There we go, another weekend of weirdness. Keep it here for more. I'm Lia, and hang those American flags high, folks!"
~*~
United we stand,
divided we fall.
We all stand
together, gentlemen, lest we hang separately.
