Disasterpiece Theater
I don't like the settlement
of New York in the 1600's.
Back in the Agianna house…this time Batpig found that his cave had been overrun by real bats, real vicious bloodsucking pig-bat-monster-devouring beasts, and has holed up in the Disasterpiece set, which now serves as his command post. Lia doesn't really mind, because it's just as easy to shoot from her house, and besides, after spending the afternoon working on a poster for a ten-minute presentation on the colonization of New York for her history class, she could really care less.
"Welcome to another Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia and this is my show. Um…not much to say…my one-year anniversary is two weeks from tomorrow…feel free to send me gifts, HINTHINT. Anyway, this weekend's captain of the SS Disasterpiece…Palmon. And yes, I have a story for Palmon. Just how good it is depends on your opinion. My opinion is it's probably going to suck. But read it anyways, all right?"
~*~
Mimi and Palmon had come back to Tokyo for one of their usual weekend visits. Mimi went off with Joe, leaving Palmon home alone. Well, more like hotel alone but that's not important. Being the nudge she is, Palmon couldn't sit still and decided to wander around the streets of Odaiba on her own. She ended up outside the Takenouchi Florists down on Skid Row.
Drama folk and movie lovers, you know what's coming,
right?
Seeing as how it's the weekend, the shop is being manned by Sora while her mom is off doing mom-ish things like grocery shopping and getting her car washed. Palmon snuck in, hoping to spend time with her leafy compadres.
Sora was in the back room at the time, either arranging flowers for somebody's order or making out with either of her two boyfriends (remember, she and I share Matt so it's a fifty-fifty chance between him and Tai). Palmon sat down in the middle of a floor display that resembled fireworks or a fountain, either one.
"Hello, dear friends, how are you? Wait a minute…you've been *gasp* cut! How dare they! I shall stand up for this injustice! Wait, you're still pure. Ah, bucket. Hey, you're looking pretty fine, what are they feeding you?" Palmon jabbered to the plants, although she was really talking to herself.
She happened upon an abandoned watering can filled with a bluish liquid that could only be concentrated Miracle-Gro, the Takenouchi family secret…oops, guess it isn't a secret anymore. My faux pas.
Palmon tipped back the can, downing the growth formula. Now, if you didn't know better, you'd think nothing would happen. Well, something happened all right. Palmon got at least a couple feet bigger. Sora came back into the front of the shop to find mega-Palmon sitting in the display that took her and her mother six hours to put together.
"Palmon, what are you doing here?"
The oversized talking houseplant turned. "Feed me, Sora!"
Sora shook a finger at the plant monster. "First of all, 'please' would've been nice, and second of all, since when do I have to feed you? It's bad enough Biyomon thinks I'm her slave but you too? And how'd you get so big?"
Palmon got up off the display, slunk across the tiled floor, picked the redheaded girl up, and swallowed her whole.
~*~
Some time went by, and Palmon was getting hungry again. She had already grown another few feet, and giant bulbous warty things were sprouting like zits allover her body. The little bell mounted at the top of the door jingled, and in strolled Matt.
"Sora! Lia says it's your turn this weekend! Sora? Sora?"
He wandered around the store a minute, then caught sight of the giant Palmon in the middle of the floor.
"Palmon, is that you? Have you been taking steroids? Should I get the hedgeclippers?"
"Feed me!"
"Oh no, I spend enough money taking the girls out to dinner, I'm not treating you too."
"Poison Ivy!"
Those purple-and-green vines shot out of her fingers, coiled around our bishounen, and reeled him back into the awaiting mouth of the giant suddenly evil Palmon.
~*~
About seven-thirty PM Palmon thought she would die of starvation. She had grown large enough to fill the florist's shop, and her last meal hadn't done much to satisfy her (all hair gel, no real meat.) The little bell on the door chimed again, and this time Mimi and Joe walked in.
"Matt? Sora? Are you guys here? We're supposed to be double dating tonight. Sora?"
Palmon's head turned slowly as she crooned a little from the movie this came from.
"I think it's suppertime…"
Mimi gasped, clinging to Joe's arm, digging her hot pink fingernails into the skin.
"Palmon?!"
"You gonna feed me, girl, or am I just gonna hafta eat the two of ya now? I already ate Matt and Sora and lemme tell you, it was not filling, no sir."
Joe groaned. "I'm allergic to bad parodies involving giant plants."
Just as Palmon reached out to devour her owner and owner's boyfriend in a bloodthirsty rampage as sanctioned by the film and theater versions, a shot bounced off the green monster's leathery skin. Several somebodies bounced in through a hole in the roof.
Guess who?
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I have no intention on sailing up the Hudson River! I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl!"
"And I'm the Dead Wonder."
"We're the Austin Powers Trio, baby, yeah! Defending the world from square plants like you, baby!"
"And we're the Alliance…who now has their own spin-off series READ IT…and you ate our partner!"
Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon is not necessary today. We've got enough heroes.
"This isn't what is supposed to happen! The Audrey Two nearly eats Audrey (in the theater version it does) and Seymour either kills the plant or gets eaten, depending on the version!" Joe cried.
"Do you wanna get eaten?" DarkScythe snapped. Joe shook his head. "Then keep your comments to yourself."
"So, how do we get them out, baby?" Gomamon Powers asked. "Puncture a bloody hole in her?"
"Don't you dare stab Palmon!" Mimi shrieked.
"She's twenty feet tall and man-eating and Mimi doesn't want us to hurt her?" Wizardmon muttered.
Batpig Girl went into the hammerspace in her utility belt and prayed she would find weed killer. She found the next best thing.
"My mom?!" Fallen Angel moaned. "What's she doing in your hammerspace?"
BPG shrugged. "She has a black thumb when it comes to plants, doesn't she?"
All Lia's mother had to do was touch Palmon and she shriveled up, gagging and spitting out a saliva-covered Matt and Sora before returning to her normal size.
"Mission accomplished, baby!" Shad cried, making everyone go away because I said they had to.
Palmon sat on the floor, looking very disappointed.
"Palmon, what's that look for?"
"We didn't sing anything. No Suddenly Seymour or Somewhere That's Green or anything."
"Palmon, nobody we know is named Seymour and we live in downtown New York. The nearest green is a manmade city park. Besides, singing is dangerous for ratings. Now let's get going. I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap for trying to eat my friends!" Mimi scolded.
"Believe me, after eating Matt, I think I want to have my mouth washed out with soap."
~*~
"Yeah, it sucked. But doing a Little Shop of Horrors parody was the best thing I could think of doing with Palmon. So keep it here on Disasterpiece Theater, and I'll see ya again next week!"
~*~
I know, it was bad.
YOU LET ME GET
EATEN! ME!
She wouldn't have
been able to swallow Tai.
You don't think
so?
Think giant
hairball.
Gotcha.
