Disasterpiece Theater
I've joined the league of
one-years!
Lia's sitting at her desk chair in her fuzzy blue bathrobe while still wearing her clothes for the day. She frowns, rubbing her hands together and breathing on them. Wizardmon wanders in, holding a cup of hot chocolate.
"Lemme guess, you're cold."
"Freezing! I'm so freaking cold! But I'm super happy, though."
"Oh, why's that?"
"It's my one-year anniversary at ff.net and I'm not out of ideas yet! Hey and welcome to Disasterpiece Theater. I'm Lia, and this is my universe. I'm still taking those last-minute Batpig entries, and if people wanna send me anniversary presents (pics, Lia x Matt fics, a Volkswagen Beetle…just kidding on that last one), go right ahead!"
"LIA! STOP THAT!"
Make me, Muse.
I just might.
"Anyway, this weekend's big cheese of the Disasterpiece is the original shagadelic critter himself, Gomamon Powers, International Mon of Mystery."
~*~
Gomamon Powers was sitting in that fabulous eating establishment, the restaurant called Restaurant, enjoying a BLT, a cup of coffee, and Baywatch reruns. I know, a restaurant called Restaurant is really, really lame sounding, but that's what it was called in the first season. Besides, it could be worse. The Inoue family grocery store translates out of Japanese to mean "Love Mart."
"Run, baby, run! Yeah, baby, shake that red plastic flotation can!"
Just then, his APT cell phone started ringing.
"Gomamon Powers, International Mon of Mystery."
"Hallo, Gomamon, this is Izzy Exposition, head of DOPE. Boy genius…I can't believe I said that, the little brat is nowhere near as smart as I am and I know bigger words than he does because I'm prodigious and he isn't…Ken Ichijouji has just been sucked into an alternate dimension and now you have to go in there and get him before it's too late."
"Why, baby, what happens when it's too late?"
"Um…I don't…know."
"Whatever. Gomamon Powers, away!"
~*~
Through the will of the author, and hokey magic as performed by Obi Wan Ken…I mean Gennai, Gomamon entered the alternate dimension. A very frightening alternate dimension indeed. Sailor Mercury ran by in all her scout-ish glory, followed by Quatre, who was waving a saucer.
"Come back! Don't you wanna have a cup of tea and talk about being snobby and rich? WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME? It's because I have twenty-nine older sisters, isn't it?"
"Whoa, baby, this is warped. Where the blazes am I?"
Just then Number Two and Frau appeared through another rip in the dimensional portal.
"Velcome to Revolutionary X, Mr. Powers. Number Two and I discovered zees place vile at an anime fest vere ve vatched Escaflowne and Shamantic Princess and got hyper. Isn't zat right, Number Two?"
Number Two groaned. "Lia, can't we just run around as Kaiser Yamato and Angel? Or be the omnipresent author and muse? I hate this fecking eyepatch!"
"Quiet, we're supposed to be doing a…hey you! Sailor Venus! Get the heck off of my man, you hear, girl! Touch him again and I'll break your hip!"
"So just what is this place, baby?" Gomamon Powers asked.
"It's some kind of crossroads where anime collides in various ways. Apparently it's Gundam Wing with Sailor Moon, Digimon and a bunch of other stuff. Lia heard about it from a girl named Emma at her anime con. You belong to Wufei."
"Wha?! Are you kidding me, baby? Wufei?! He'd try and kill me! I wanna be with Duo, cuz he's happy and fun and stuff!"
"Nope, apparently Duo gets Gabumon," Frau Lia stated.
"Lucky bastard."
Speaking of Wufei, here he comes now.
"JUSTICE! ONNA! NATAKU!"
Yeesh. It could be worse. Gomer could be with the silent Trowa…or the mentally unstable Relena, whom everyone hates and tries to kill because she's Relena.
"Does anybody know where Ken is?"
"Depends on which Ken," Haruka, a.k.a. Sailor Uranus asked. "I mean, there's at least fifty Kens in various anime shows."
"Ichijouji Ken, blue hair, gray Dr. Evil uniform, gay-ish."
"Oh, him. He's off taking lessons from Zechs and Allen on how to be an ungodly gorgeous bishounen."
Gomamon sighed. "As if he doesn't get enough of that from Matt."
Our hero starts to head over in that direction, where the big giant mechas are parked and the lace cravats are stowed, when he is suddenly surrounded by a mass of angry ferrets, led by Japolo, the scary talking ferret-squirrel from Shamantic Princess.
"WAAH! Scary ferrets! Why am I being tormented by ferrets?"
"Because the author couldn't think of anything better to do at this point?" Japolo mused.
"Good enough, baby. Wanna shag?"
"Um…no."
Just then the ferrets were chased off by Moro and her cubs…they're the wolf gods from Princess Mononoke…another good anime. However, they were replaced by something scarier and far more mentally unstable.
"ACK! HELP! LADY UNE!"
Lia and Matt watched in amusement as the nutbag with the split personality and her sidekicks Dorothy (who has really big eyebrows) and Catherine (who likes to give people soup).
"I…am…not….having…fun! This…is…bloody unfair!" Gomamon wheezed. "I wanna get Ken and…go home!"
Ken and Wormmon wandered over on their own, Ken holding a Steno pad.
"So, in order to be ultra-bishy I have to have hair to my knees, a big sword and/or mecha, wear a lot of mascara, and have a tragic death or near-death. I think we can manage that, don't you think so Wormmon?"
"KEN! Thank goodness, baby, I was starting to think we'd never get out of this bloody fanfic! I'm supposed to be taking you back to FOX," Gomamon cried triumphantly. "Cuz Izzy said if we don't something un-groovy happens."
"Like?" Wormmon asked naively.
A giant chasm appeared in space and time, flames shooting out as though hell had broken through to earth. A monstrous demon with spiky hair and fangs and glowing eyes came out and snarled at the crossed-over anime folk.
"WHERE IS THE ICHIJOUJI?"
Gomamon yelped, hiding behind Tuxedo Mask's cloak. "H-h-here, Sir."
The demon turned into a grinning Davis holding a plastic pitchfork.
"Good, cuz we were gonna go to that Halloween thingy over at Cartoon Network, weren't we, Kenny-chan?"
Ken nodded cutely, skipping merrily off with Davis.
Gomamon glared at the author and her muse, who were discussing Lia's suddenly pervy mind.
"I'm serious! If somebody *coughReocough* writes me a really good me and you lemon for my anniversary, I will be so psyched!"
"Lia, if your parents ever found out…"
"They wouldn't. You worry too much. I'm an expert at computer-y stuff and at hiding things from my parents."
"Lia, you can't keep a secret to save your life."
Lia thought for a moment about this. "True…but they wouldn't know about this."
"LIA! YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL THAT, THE FERRETS, LADY UNE, AND I GOT MY VELVET SUIT ALL DIRTY JUST SO DAVIS AND KEN COULD GO TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY?! OMAE O KOROSU!"
Heero Yuy appeared, his own Agumon in tow, and pointed a gun at Gomamon's head.
"That's my line, punk. Say it again and you'll self-destruct."
Gomamon Powers groaned. "Baby, this was so not shagadelic."
~*~
"Yeah, I know, again it was probably lousy and if you've never seen any of the anime that kept popping up you wouldn't get it. I couldn't think of something absolutely spectacular for Gomamon to do right now…but be sure to stay tuned, because I'm already planning this year's pointless Halloween special."
"I'm dreading this one already," Wizardmon mutters. "Another Linda Blair candidate?"
"Nope, wholesome goodness. The working title's It's the
Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown Tai Kamiya. So be on the lookout for
that. For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. And I'm still really, really cold."
~*~
Did you put
enough anime con inside jokes in?
No. I didn't even
mention Wufei's chicken!
I don't even
want to know.
