Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Why damme, it's too bad!

Lia was sitting in her mother's room, watching her sew Lia's musical costume. Lia has absolutely no sewing skills other than making hair scrunchies, and even that's a challenge.

"Hey gang, welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. We've got a wild episode for you this week, and I mean wild. We've pulled Yolei, so things should get hairy."

Lia's mother looked up from her machine. "Who are you talking to?"

Lia facefaulted. "Um…uh…go to fanfic."

~*~

A/N: To be read in a really annoying Australian accent, like Derek/Dingo from the Digimon World Tour.

"I'm Yolei, the Bishounen Hunter! This is my partner Terri…ermon…"

"I'm on loan from Willis!" the rabbit chirped.

"…and our dog Hawkmon."

Hawkmon harrumphed. "I'm no dog, Yolei. I'm a proud Englishmon!"

Yolei ignored her digimon partner, adjusting her khaki hunting clothes and tipping her pith helmet back.

"We're on the trail of the wildest, most elusive bishounen in nature. Our mission is to rescue them from the wild and put them in the safety of my bishounen preserve. So, let's hop in our Jeep and go!"

Yolei's "Jeep" consisted of a bicycle with a wagon attached to the back. Terriermon and Hawkmon sat in the wagon as Yolei pedaled to the park.

~*~

"Here we go, folks. A rare beauty, the wild Matt Ish…oh, wait. We don't want him."

Terriermon looked up at Yolei, who was already putting away her binoculars and butterfly net.

"Why don't you want him, Yolei? You just said he was a rare bishounen."

Yolei pointed at the bishounen through the bushes. "He's got a parasitic worm attached to him."

The camera moves over slightly to reveal Lia draped around the bishounen's arm. Of course, that didn't last long.

"Whoa-oh, um, Yolei…"

"Quiet, Terri! We've got to be silent if we're to catch more elusive bishounen!"

"But Yolei, I think…"

"Terriermon, don't make me tell you again!"

"But Yolei!"

Suddenly a shadow passed across the group. Yolei looked up just in time to see the author, in her full Fallen Angel glory, descend upon her, ready to unleash screaming bishoujo doom.

"Are you perving at my boyfriend?"

"No."

"Did I hear you call me a parasitic worm?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

"Yes."

Lia backhanded Yolei and flew off. Yolei sighed.

"Well, turns out that wasn't a worm after all but the Wild Ishida's alpha female, and she's an angry little missy who'll defend her territory with any means necessary. She's off to claim her prize now and shag the poor beast rotten."

Lia returned, backhanded Yolei again, and left, leaving one smarting egghead-ditz, a clueless bunny, and a pissed off bird with a belt on his head.

~*~

"Despite death threats by a rat with wings, I continue my hunt for rare and elusive bishounen. Oh, here comes another rare beauty! Ain't he gorgeous? This is the wild Colorado Wallace variety, rarely ever seen."

Willis strolled past the bush Yolei and company were hiding in, enjoying an ice cream. Terriermon started to jump up and down in the wagon.

"HI WIL-oof!"

"Don't you know the meaning of 'be quiet?' You'll scare him away!" Yolei hissed.

Hawkmon shook a wing feather. "You'll be throwing this one back too."

"What do you…oh, not another one. Looks like he's got parasitic worms too."

No sooner did the words 'parasitic worm' left her lips, Yolei felt cold steel pressing against her jugular.

"You say anything like that again and you won't live to see a second movie," Boss Reo hissed, pressing el Lemon Scythe to her throat. "Now, you keep away from me and my Wallace or else. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal!" Yolei choked.

Reo returned to Wallace, who huggled him and nearly lost his ice cream.

"And the Bishounen Hunter strikes out again."

~*~

Yolei lay on her back, spread-eagle, behind her bush, staring at the sky with a bored expression on her face. An hour and a half had gone by and not a single bishounen had traversed her way. Terriermon had to go home, and so he was replaced by Lee/Henry's Terriermon, who was bouncing around the wagon whispering, "moumantai," every few minutes.

"Verily, Yolei, I believe your next subject traverses this way. However, he is consorting with a sponging larva as we are conversing."

Yolei sat up and put her binoculars to her eyes.

"Bingo and perfecto," she whispered. "The perfect target: easy and vulnerable. Terriermon?"

"Yeah, whaddya need?" the bunny questioned.

"Go and bring back that bishy! He's a rare beaut, but he needs to be separated from that worm there and brought to our reserve for close observation. But be careful, he's a feisty little bugger!"

The audience hears the sounds of scuffling as a small fray breaks loose. Presently, Terriermon drags his quarry back to the bush, where Yolei hits him over the head with a brick and stashes him in her wagon, pedaling furiously back to the FOX Studio and her dressing room/porno hangout, with Terriermon and Hawkmon following close behind.

"Jeez, you'd think he'd weigh less!"

Meanwhile, in the park, the bishounen of the previous two sketches and their lovers came upon a heap of pummeled Chosen Child.

"Wow, he looks dead. Can we poke him with a stick?" Willis asked.

Davis sat up, groaning and rubbing his forehead. "Ow…that hurt," he whimpered.

"What happened?" Lia questioned, pulling a first-aid kit out of hammerspace and attending to the maroon-haired preteen's wounds.

"I dunno. Me an' Ken were walking, cuz we were like on our way to meet up with some friends for lunch and stuff, and all of a sudden this crazy Terriermon came outta the bushes and started attacking us! And while I was like on the ground he dragged Ken off."

The Alliance plus Willis exchanged glances and said, in unison, "Yolei."

~*~

"Lemme go, Yolei! I wanna go home!" Ken wailed, punching the wall in the glass cage Yolei bought at the last zoo auction.

"See, ladies and gents? Now that this gorgeous and endangered Ichijouji is here in my nature preserve, he can't be infected by any leech-like clingy goggle-headed losers like Davis! I am so the best Bishounen Hunter ever!"

Hawkmon rolled his eyes, turning on the telly for the BBC while eating bangers and mash.

"Don't you think Davis is going to get reinforcements and come after you?"

"Nah, Davis couldn't think up something like that on his own."

Ah, but Davis did. He, Willis, the Alliance three, and Davis and Ken's lunch partners (who happened to be Duo, Quatre, and Nuriko of Fushigi Yuugi), burst into Yolei's dressing room.

"Yolei, this bishounen hunting thing has gone far…sweet mother of Imperialdramon!" Davis gasped, running over to the cage. "Kenny!"

"We told you to lay off, Yolei," Lia hissed. "Now you're in for it."

"Did she bruise you, Kenny-chan?" Davis asked, pounding on the glass. Ken pushed his hair aside to reveal a huge purple lump caused by the brick.

Yolei grinned, tipping her pith helmet back again. "You can't do anything."

"And why not?" Matt snapped, cocking one of several laser guns.

Yolei pointed upwards to the first paragraph. "It's my Disasterpiece, remember? What I say goes, and Lia has no control over what happens."

Lia groaned. "She's right, I can't break the code of the Disasterpiece. What Yolei wants, Yolei gets."

"Not necessarily," Hawkmon leered, pressing a button on the wall. A hoard of random bishounen from half a zillion anime shows entered the room, standing around and looking confused. Yolei picked up her butterfly net.

"Crikey! It's like a bishy convention! Well, like they say in P***mon, 'gotta catch 'em all,' you know!"

And Yolei ran around with her butterfly net trying to trap whoever wasn't fast enough to dodge her net of evilness. Reo ended up smashing a hole in the glass cage, freeing Ken.

"Thank God! She was going to put me in a 'habitat' with a swimming pool and make me chase after her every time she tried to mow the lawn and breed me like I was some crocodile or something. Can we go home now?" Ken whined.

"Better yet," Duo suggested. "Let's go to the movies, sit down in one of the cheesy G-rated flicks and ignore it in favor of our significant others!"

Nuriko's lip quivered. "But Hotohori still hasn't noticed me!"

Davis grinned. "No need to worry! This is Lia's universe. She can make stuff happen like you wouldn't believe! Like the time she filled the swimming pool with lime Jell-o, and the time she rebelled against Season Three and the time she…"

Yolei put down her butterfly net for a moment, picking up a long coil of rope.

"This is Yolei Inoue, the Bishounen Hunter, signing off from my base camp as I try and capture these here gorgeous beauties! G'day, and remember: when catching bishounen, watch out! They may look pretty, but if you aren't careful, they may bite yer arm off!"

~*~

"Glad that's over with. If I have to hear my mother say 'Lia, come try this on' once more I'll go insane," the author sighed, sitting in a Starbucks with Matt and Reo.

"That was one weird fanfic," Reo muttered, dumping another six packets of sugar into his coffee.

"Don't complain, you were in it," Matt retorted.

"True, true."

"For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. Stay tuned for more from my spastic imagination!"

"And read the Alliance fics!" Reo added.

"And review, or else we'll sic Yolei the Bishounen Hunter and her Butterfly Net of Doom on you!" Matt threatened, hostilely waving his biscotti.

~*~

You heard the muse, do as he commands.

Lia, your mom wants you to try your outfit on again.

Not again!!! -_-;;;