Disasterpiece Theater

Girl got her groove thang on!

            Lia sits at home, finishing up watching the Emperor's New Groove and the last of several loaned Rayearth tapes. Her fingernails are all sparkly with nail polish.

"Hey everybody! Welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your host for Homecoming 2001, Lia. You're probably wondering a bunch of things, faithful readers…one being where the heck this week's Weekly Digimon Report is. Well, this is the story. I decided to go to homecoming at the last minute, so I had to go out and buy a dress that morning. I set the timer on the VCR like I usually do, but I forgot to shut the VCR off, so it taped absolutely nothing and I missed the entire episode. So that's where that is. If somebody wants to email me and fill me in on the finer details of what happened, I'd appreciate it. Second, my three competitors have been urging me to display the results of that little Batpig contest. Well, um, guys, you all win. I'M INDECISIVE! So here's the list, in no particular order."

King Weregarurumon Anorexic Chibi Super Hurricane

"And a special accolade goes out to Crayon for her fic Supermon. You guys will be receiving your commemorative Batpig JPEGs as soon as I color them, and be sure to watch out for your guest appearances in the upcoming Batpig Breaks Out. And now, without further ado, onto this weekend's fanfic starring…Hawkmon…and I do have a worthwhile plot for him, trust me."

~*~

            "All right cast, let's take it from the top of the Act One Finale. Matt, we'll start with your 'Can I Survive This Overbearing?' Is everybody ready?"

The fifty most musical students at Odaiba High School milled about the auditorium stage as the head of the music department, Mr. Shattuck, played the introduction on the tired out piano on the floor. Matt stood center stage, tugging at the collar of his dress shirt. Out in the audience sat the non-musical portion of the 02 cast, their digimon, Boss Reo, and Lia's good buddy Cele, who asked to make an appearance in this weekend's story.

Matt opened his mouth to sing one of his big dramatic numbers, but nothing came out. Mr. Shattuck and Miss Depasqua looked rather perturbed.

"Matt, that was your cue."

He nodded, massaging his throat. "I know," he croaked.

"Matt, this is no time to be playing around. The show is in less than a week, and we don't need this kind of goofing off. We'll try again," Shattuck griped, playing the introduction again. Once again, Matt uttered nothing more than a gagging fit of coughing.

"Everyone take five!" Miss Depasqua yelled. "We'll take it from when the women come in when we get back!"

            The stage cleared, Matt slinking off to sit in one of the blue chairs in the theater. Nicki went off to rehearse with her partner in the show, Anna, and Lia went rummaging through her purse. The younger 02 kids all came down the aisles to crowd around Matt.

"Matt, is something wrong?" Kari asked.

T.K. pressed his hand to his brother's forehead. "Hey, you're not feeling too hot."

"I can't sing at all," he whispered hoarsely.

Cody rolled his eyes. "Well we could see that."

Lia handed him a throat lozenge. "Don't talk anymore. You've gotta rest up your voice so you can go on Thursday night. Matt, you've gotta get better! There is no understudy for Ralph Rackstraw! You're the only one who can do the part!"

Cele frowned. "I still don't get what's going on in this show."

Reo leaned back in his chair. "It's your atypical love triangle taking place on a British naval ship in the 1800's. The upper class captain's daughter falls in love with the lowly sailor, even though she's supposed to marry the admiral. They plan to elope, but their plan is foiled, and we find out the captain and the sailor were switched as infants by Little Buttercup so the sailor is really the nobleman and he can marry the captain's daughter."

"I see."

            Hawkmon coughed loudly from his place beside Yolei. "Begging your pardon, I couldn't help but overhear that our leading man has come down with a nagging case of laryngitis. Might I offer my services in his stead? In a past life I was that British tar Ralph."

Veemon laughed. "Hawkmon, you never had any pasht livesh. Before you were you, you were jusht a digiegg."

"So? Verily, I know all of Ralph's arias."

"But can ya sing 'em?" Armadillomon queried. "Ah reckon you'll sound like a coyote howling into the Grand Canyon."

"It's no different from what Matt sounds like on a good day," Shadowmon quipped.

"Hey! Matt sings quite well!" Gabumon protested.

Matt frowned. "We may have no other choice. There are no other tenors that can sing my parts."

"What did Lia just get through saying? As the trained medical…person I diagnose severe laryngitis. You are not to speak for the next few days, drink plenty of herbal teas and sleep with a humidifier in your room." Joe handed Matt a few aspirin. "Take two of these and call me in the morning."

            Wizardmon pulled a vial out of the many pockets in his lemon-yellow jumpsuit.

"Here's the potion for instant gijinka. It's only temporary, and it takes me a while to brew, so you'll have to drink it in small quantities until I can get some more. Go save the show before I have to put up with Lia's complaining and whining for the next few days."

Hawkmon drank down the potion and instantly (spiffily) took a human form.

~*~

            "Miss Depasqua?"

Yolei and Hawkmon nervously entered room 118, where the little blonde teacher was slumped over her desk.

"It's ruined. Our lead can't sing, the chorus doesn't know their parts, none of them can dance, and those stupid entertainment books! If we hadn't sold out of tickets, I'd cancel the show…what do you want, little girl?"

"My name's Yolei, I'm one of the freshmen (remember, Yolei's a year older than the other kids…and the 01 kids were freshmen last season) and I might be able to save the show."

"How? It's hopeless!"

Yolei bit her lip. "My…uh…cousin is here from London and their school just put on HMS Pinafore last year and he was Ralph. So maybe he could take over for Matt while he's sick?"

Hawkmon grinned. "And I'm genuinely British, unlike your standard imitation Ralph."

"HE'S PERFECT! Get him onstage, and see if he can fit into Matt's costume…why does he have a belt on his head, though?"

"…Latest British fashion," Yolei said quickly.

~*~

            Lia hollered in annoyance, kicking a soda can across the stage.

"Hawkmon! In our musical! In the role Matt is supposed to be in! Why must stuff like this happen, Nicki?"

"Because your life sucks and we're all gonna die when the Pakistanis bomb us so we might as well just go build colonies and a bunch of Gundam suits now."

Lia blinked. "You know, you're really, really starting to depress me."

Mr. Shattuck returned after giving some sort of lecture to Matt regarding his shot vocal chords, sitting down at the piano. Hawkmon skipped up the stairs onto the stage, where everyone stared at him.

"All right, everyone, settle down! We're taking it from the finale again, Yolei Inoue's cousin Hawk Mon (real original name, ne?) will be filling in for Matt right now. Hawk?"

            Hawkmon made it through the first line of the finale without botching things up too terribly, although his singing sounded far worse than that time with the Gekomon and Tai and Joe…yeah, that bad. I bet English-dubbed Wormmon could sound better than him.

"The maiden treats my suit with scorn, and sets my hopes adrift, my lady…"

Joe (not our Joe, another Joe) sat on the stage steps staring at Hawkmon and his belt. Dane and Steve were muttering things about him behind the curtains. Lindsey, the girl playing the leading lady, was really quite scared of him. Lia and Nicki were just plain annoyed.

~*~

            Things seemed to be going well for a while, but sooner than one could say, "Why damme, it's too bad!" they do get worse. Halfway through "Farewell My Life, My Own" Hawkmon started going back to being what he usually is…a British bird with a belt on his head, rather than a gawky British kid with a belt on his head. However, when he went to take a swig of Wizardmon's gijinka potion, it was nowhere to be found! He had lost the little blue vial, and now he was in for it.

"Damme…" he muttered, hunting around for the little bottle.

"He said damme! He said damme! Yes, he said damme!" a group of random cast members whispered.

Hawkmon tried to continue with the show, but it was starting to get a little too obvious that he wasn't a person. The big yellow beak was somewhat of a dead giveaway.

            "Yolei!" he hissed, hurrying offstage while Erin did Little Buttercup's big momentous aria.

"What is it, Hawkmon? You were starting to sound pretty good!"

"Indubitably, I'm reverting to my previous state and, alas, I cannot find the elixir henceforth!"

Yolei slapped her forehead with annoyance. "Must you always give me a hard time when I'm ogling hot bishounen?"

"Forsooth, I am on in twenty measures of overture! We must find that potion, post haste!"

"…when I was young and charming, I took up baby-farming…"

Cele leaned over to Reo again. "What the? Baby-farming?"

"She was a nanny."

"Oh. Gotcha."

Tai glanced at Sora, who was staring at Matt, who was cringing in Lia's general direction because the throat lozenge she gave him tasted really gross.

"Hey Sora?"

"Mm?"

"Have you any idea what they're talking about?"

"Beats me. European humor, I guess."

~*~

            Hawkmon couldn't find the vial, and neither could Yolei. He was almost completely a goofy bird again, and it was about time to go back on. Suddenly he spied Gomamon about to dump his precious container of potion into a bottle of blue Fruitopia.

"Gomamon, refrain audacious tar!"

"Say what?"

Yolei snatched the vial out of his paws/hands/flippers/whatever. "You can't have this."

Hawkmon took the container and was about to tip back the contents when he tripped on Lia's cursed blue Old Navy flip-flops, which had pulled out of hammerspace while she was trying to find that throat lozenge. The vial dropped and shattered, liquid oozing into the rug.

"Great! Now Hawkmon can't fill in for Matt, and Matt can't sing, so the whole show's ruined!" Yolei moaned.

"And I did so want to sing some more."

"Hawkmon, you couldn't carry a tune if it was in a bucket," Gatomon retorted. "Besides, Matt's little laryngitic spell is over. Lia found out Nicki and Wizardmon were playing another cruel and unusual prank on him and fixed everything."

             "What?! You mean, I wasted my whole Disasterpiece for nothing! I didn't even get to sing 'A Maiden Fair to See!' I'VE BEEN RIPPED O-"

"Quiet!" Patamon shouted. "They're getting to the finale!"

"For he is an Englishman! For he is an Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenglishman!"

"Harrumph!" Hawkmon harrumphed. "Englishmon would be more like it."

~*~

            "That's it. End of story. Go home now. I know it hardly had Hawkmon in it, but do you really want to hear Hawkmon sing? Hmm? I didn't think so. Anyway, for Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. Join me next week, when hopefully I won't screw up the VCR and miss an episode! Later!"

~*~

Wait…I was Ralph. Why didn't you make yourself Josephine?

Because I was trying for SOME accuracy. I'm only in the chorus.

Aha. And you think a bird with a belt on his head is accurate?

…Yes.