Disasterpiece Theater
My mouth hurts and I bombed a math quiz. Go away.
Lia is lying on the couch in the Agianna media room, having a hissy fit. She's tired, achy, cranky, mopey, afraid that her 8th in class standing is going to be reduced to eleventy-billion after today's abysmal math quiz, and life in general sucks.
"I'm Lia, this is Disasterpiece Theater. My VCR hates me, my math grade is probably plunging, I have to bring my Latin grade up because an eighty-seven point four is unacceptable, and the orthodontist took half my braces off and rewired the rest so my mouth kills. Unless you give me a really good reason why I should be hosting this show, I'm going to bed…oh wait, I can't. I have a chemistry paper, an English paper, and a history paper to write. Kill me, kill me, kill me."
Using his all-encompassing Muse powers, Matt spiffishly appears in the room (actually, my mother just let him in) with a bottle of Tylenol and a plate of cheesecake.
"Quit your grousing and host, considering how you've got a big mess on your hands with the Reports."
"Yeah, I know. This week it's Lopmon's fic. Goody for him."
~*~
A while ago, somewhere, Batpig I believe, there was a mention of the Wonder Twins. Who the heck are they? Well, this is the lowdown. Some of you TV freaks may remember that old cartoon (it might still be on Cartoon Network) 'The Super Friends' where Superman, Batman, Aquaman and Wonder Woman ran around and did super-ish things because they could. Well, there was a rarely used pair of kids (and maybe a monkey or a dog) known as the Wonder Twins. They were these Mulatto-ish kids with pointy ears and gay purple jumpsuits that could turn into anything after they said 'Wonder Twin Power, Activate!' Uh-huh. Well, Lopmon and Terriermon, seeing as how they're twins, do something to that effect. Only cuter. And without the monkey/dog.
~*~
Willis was out grocery shopping with his mother that fateful morning in Colorado, yes, he was out at the A&P with his mommy making sure she got the right kind of cornflakes and the chocolate-frosted donut, not the vanilla one. So, that left Terriermon and Lopmon home alone…not a smart idea. Terriermon can behave most of the time, he's generally reading Henry/Lee's Terriermon lines in case his needs temping for. Lopmon's the mischievous of the two. After the whole incident with the movie and the virus and the kidnapping of the season one kids…oh wait, that didn't happen in the American version…forget I said that…well, you know he's going to be trouble.
Actually, both rabbits were sitting on the couch watching the eleven forty-five o'clock news on channel four.
"Bush's last speech was pretty good," Terriermon stated idly.
Lopmon frowned. "Surprising words from a Democrat."
"Hey, when there's the threat of nuclear warfare or nationwide Anthrax, the lines between Republican and Democrat get a little hazy. Speaking of mail, did we get anything good today?"
Lopmon shook his head, pointing to the mountain of Wal-Mart flyers. "We live in Colorado; do you really think we'd get actual mail?"
Just then the 'breaking news' thingy popped up on the television screen and a newscaster in a hot pink power suit with a perfectly gelled dirty blonde pageboy appeared, shuffling the papers on her desk.
"This just in. President George W. Bush has been kidnapped out of Air Force One by some gigantic flying…thing. Forces are already on hand to hunt down this massive creature. Vice President Cheney has been moved for safety reasons to the basement of an abandoned Piggly-Wiggly somewhere in Wyoming."
The twin bunnies exchanged glances.
"You know what to do," Lopmon said.
"Sit down in our thinking chairs and think, think, think?"
The brown and pink rabbit sighed. "Close, but not quite. It's Wonder Twin time!"
Terriermon shot his brother a look of rabid disgust, groaning loudly. "Do we hafta? I mean, there's really no point. We've got the FBI, the CIA, every military person in the country, the Mafia, Superman, Batman, the X-Men, the Olsen twins, and the Alliance. What good are a pair of rabbits in purple spandex?"
The news anchor was instructed to look up at her teleprompter, which apparently had more breaking news to report. "We have been given word now that the FBI, the CIA, all military personnel, the Mafia, Superman, Batman, the X-Men, the Olsen twins and the Alliance have been rendered helpless by some sort of unknown force. Vice President Cheney has been trying to contact foreign superheroes, but has had, at this time, no luck. We will keep you updated as this unusual story occurs."
Lopmon raised his nonexistent eyebrows. "Hmm? Hmm?"
"I'll go get the costumes."
~*~
Meanwhile, in a subterranean cave hideout in a little third-world country affectionately known as Afghanistan, the newest Axis of…Evil Stuff was plotting their next scheme of world domination and terrorism. Our villains for this evening are Adolf Hitler's head, kept alive in a chemical-filled fish tank; Osama Bin Laden, who's at the top of every Most Wanted list known to mankind; Yolei Inoue, because she's so annoying that we've decided she can be a terrorist dictator too; Vladimir Lenin, he's not a terrorist, but he's a dictator and I don't care if he died, he's part of this fanfic; and Gary Coleman, because he's Gary Coleman. President Bush, rendered unconscious by a pretzel, was tied up in the corner.
"All right, Axis of Evil Stuff, we have kidnapped the American president. So…what now?" bin Laden questioned.
"Mein gott, are you really that dense? We kill him and claim the world in the name of Nazi Germany! Hail me!" Hitler's head burbled.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, we may be terrorists, but I draw the line at killing anyone in a G-PG rated fanfic. Besides, we won't be able to rule the world anyways if we kill him," Yolei pointed out.
"Well, what do we do then?" bin Laden retorted. "I haven't been hiding in a cave with an opening the size of a grapefruit for the last several years just to let my evil schemes go down the drain, you know!"
"We use a shoddily built hypnosis ray to hypnotize the President. Then he'll be under our command, and since he runs the United States, we'll get anything we want. The man can call China if he wants to!"
"Then it is agreed, and we will march on to victory for Communism and Mother Russia!" Lenin added.
Gary Coleman shook his head. "Man, this story is whack."
~*~
Terriermon and Lopmon were ready to go and save the President, because they had their purple jumpsuits on. All they needed to say now was…
"Wonder Twin Power, activate!"
"Form of…Birdramon!" Lopmon turned into a rather bunny-ish Birdramon.
"Shape of…a jet!" Terriermon instead turned into Disney character Jett Jackson. "Nuts, got it wrong again!"
Soon they were flying around, trying to figure out what happened to our pal Dubya. They ended up in Washington DC, at the White House, where they chatted briefly with Mrs. Bush, who's a really cool lady, and the two daughters, but those two were more interested in procuring fake ID's and doing naughty things with them. It became clear that a bird, which became a giant Slinky and then a bird again, attacked Air Force One and kidnapped the President.
"Bird, bird, Slinky," Terriermon puzzled. "I've heard of duck, duck, goose, but this is ridiculous!"
"It's Hawkmon/Aquilamon or Halsemon/Shurimon! Yolei is behind the kidnapping!" Lopmon deduced. "But why?"
"Maybe Osama bin Laden, the head of Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Lenin and Gary Coleman hired her as part of their evil Axis," Terriermon suggested.
"You're crazy! That would never happen! They'd hire Rika instead."
~*~
Lopmon decided he'd humor his brother, so they went to Afghanistan to prove that Yolei was not, in fact, part of an evil Axis. That was when Osama and friends tried to shoot them out of the sky with Molotov cocktails made from Campbell's soup cans and Poland Spring bottles. Luckily, our heroic hares were not injured.
"Little rabbits? The best America can come up with to save their pathetic President is little rabbits? I could eat you for breakfast!" Lenin scoffed.
"They shall hail me, Kaiser of all Europe!" Hitler demanded.
"Um, no. We've had enough Kaisers to last us six seasons," Terriermon said nervously, thinking briefly of Ken and our favorite blonde-in-spandex, Digimon Kaiser Yamato.
"Maybe we should test our hypnosis ray on them first, make sure it works," Yolei suggested.
"Good idea! Fire it up!" Osama agreed.
"Quick, Terriermon, we need to turn into stuff that won't be affected by the hypnosis beam!"
"Right!"
"Wonder Twin Power, activate!"
"Form of…a flea!"
"Shape of………" Terriermon couldn't think of anything fast enough. The ray was almost juiced up and ready to go. "A KAZOO!"
Instead of a kazoo, Terriermon took the form of Kazu. Fortunately, Kazu doesn't have enough gray matter to sufficiently make the hypnosis beam work.
"Drat!" Yolei snapped her fingers in defeat.
Lenin hauled out a cannon and loaded it up, ready to fire at Lopmon, who had become Lopmon again and was trying desperately to get Bush out of this sticky situation.
"Terriermon, do something!"
"Shape of…a wall!" Instead, we get Wallace. It's bad wordplay, I know.
"Axis of Evil Stuff, you're going down!" declared our Wallace-bunny.
"Yo, wha chu talking 'bout, Willis?" Gary Coleman asked.
Lopmon twitched. "You were waiting to do that line, weren't you, Lia?"
Of course I was, stated the omnipresent author as she licked Marshmallow Peep sugar from her fingertips and continued typing.
~*~
To make a long story short, the Wonder Twins somehow managed to save the day, as they should, and bring the Axis of Evil Stuff to an end. Osama bin Laden was taken into custody and put under heavy lock and key. Adolf Hitler's head was sent to Futurama, because they have that sort of stuff there. Lenin went back to being dead. Yolei was apprehended and sent back to Archam Asylum, from which she would later escape to appear in Batpig: The Musical, and Gary Coleman disappeared to some unknown place.
As for our heroes, they enjoyed a lovely salad, watched some wholesome American programming, then both caught viruses and rampaged evilly through Colorado muttering utter nonsense in deep, echoing voices. That is, until they found out that the Tamers needed stand-ins that weekend and they had to be Henry and Suzie…or Jenrya and Suichon, or Jiangliang and Shaochang…yeah, their digimon. But, it's never a dull day in the life of a bunny!
~*~
Lia was still moping on the couch when a portal opened up in the wall and yet another Lia stepped through. The one on the couch stared at the other one.
"Who are you?"
"You, seven months from now."
"Yeah, well what happens to me in seven months?"
"You have all your braces off, you're still bombing math, you're done with papers for the time being, you have your learner's permit but can't really drive because you recently backed into a dinghy, and you finally got around to finishing this fanfic. So I'll take over for now since you're so last October."
The first Lia shrugged, moving over on the couch for the second.
"Where's Matt?" present-day Lia inquired.
"He'll be back in a few minutes."
Indeed, Matt comes back into the room, having purloined medical supplies and a few bags of herbal tea from Joe. He stared at the two girls on the couch, one wallowing in self-pity and still slightly metallic in the mouth, the other looking amused and completely brace-free.
"I think I might have hit my head or something, cuz I'm definitely seeing double."
The little portal opens a second time, and another Matt emerges. This one looks as though he hasn't slept in months.
"Listen," he says to the previous Matt, "run now while you still can. I'm you in seven months. Go while you still have the chance. Go! This girl will put you through unspeakable tortures! Run!"
Present-day Lia smacks present-day Matt with A Midsummer Night's Dream.
"You're scaring yourself, cut it out. For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia."
"And so am I…I think."
~*~
That was long overdue for a finish.
Shut up or I'll put you through more 'unspeakable tortures.'
Hmph. You're not a nice girl.
And you're not a nice Muse. Now go back in the fanfic and patch things up before you make yourself mental.
Review, save my sanity, please.
