Weekly Digimon Reports: Version 2

Weekly Digimon Reports: Version 2.0

Good, clean fun.

Well, we're back in the WDR studio, where Lia is slumped over the table, her head in her hands. The younger peerage was drawing straws as to who would go poke her with a large pointy stick. Everyone else is counting large wads of cash…well, maybe not everyone.

"It's not FAIR!" Mimi shrieked in her usual tirade. "Izzy gets money because his voice actor is Culumon/Calamon and in Medabots, Kari gets a paycheck, Yolei, Davis, hell, they pay Black Wargreymon, but do I get anything? NO!"

Matt stole a drumstick from his bandmates and winged it at Lia's head, decking her.

"Huh?! Wha? Oh, we're on. Hey, welcome to the weekend, and the Weekly Digimon Reports. I'm Lia Agianna. I'd be a little more active, but I was up until twelve thirty babysitting, I was up at eight to do a car wash until noon, and now I'm off to serve dessert at a chicken barbeque. For some inexplicable reason, there was only one new episode this weekend and they repeated the Rika/Renamon episode at nine. Why? Because FOX hates us…so let's go to T.K. and find out just what happened. Teek?"

"Righty-o. Well, Takato got all freaked out because Guilmon started disappearing…but then he reappeared. We found out just a little more about Yamaki and the Hypnos…that's the scary Mafia Matt and the two crazy ladies that hide out in the two towers and trace digimon. Well, Takato and Guilmon chased Ruki/Rika and Renamon around after having a little chat with Culumon/Calamon. Guilmon disappeared, but not totally because he was still traceable by the digivices…or D3's…or whatever they call them now. Guilmon was actually stuck inside a white energy field and everyone nearly got deleted because of Yamaki and his Yolei-slave Riley and some program they had. And yes, Black Wargreymon and Angemon's voice actors are people on the show."

"Thank you T.K. And let's see…Kari, do you have any opinion whatsoever to bestow upon us?"

Kari shook her head. "Not really, Lia. Other than the fact we were promised two episodes and only got one. I hope that doesn't happen next week."

"Actually, I hope it does happen because now my tape has two of the same episodes and it's all messed up. Had I known, I would've only timed the second one, but I didn't because I was washing cars. Um…oh, breaking news from Patamon. Let's go live to the pig. Patamon?"

"Hey! What are you people waiting for? It's September 23, you have until October 1st to get those Batpig entries in! As of today, we have one entry! So if you don't get moving, Anorexic Chibi is going to walk away with the limited edition, one of a kind Batpig commemorative picture featuring the Caped Crusaders, the Austin Powers Trio, and the Alliance…who now have their own spin-off series written by Lia and Boss Reo under the pen name 'the Alliance.' THE BATPIG COMMANDS YOU TO READ IT!"

Biyomon cracked the orange pork rind over the head. "Enough with the shameless plugging!"

Lia nodded. "Right, now over to the Psychiatry Couch with Nicki and her dish on…Nicki, who are you dishing on this week?"

"A mental case if I ever saw one. Culumon/Calamon, the purple and white playful wad of bellybutton lint that everyone loves. Calamon, why is it you're obsessed with playing?"

"Cuz it's FUN!"

"Right. Are you on crack?"

"What's that?"

"You sniff glue, don't you?"

Culumon/Calamon thought for a moment. "Um…I ate a bucket of paste the other day, does that count?"

"Doesn't it bother you that you don't have a Tamer and you're all alone in a world where people can pluck off your fur, grill you, slap you between two buns and call you the next ninety-nine cent value meal?"

"I found a penny, and I rolled it all the way down the street!"

"Are you always this stupid, or is today a special occasion?"

Again, the little koala-ish thing had to think. "Uh…wanna see me make a bubble with my spit?"

Ah, the age old Animaniacs quote…almost as timeless as 'hello nurse.'

Nicki groaned, slumping over in her chair. "I think I just found someone more annoying than Shad. This is Nicki from the Psychiatry Couch. Everyone sucks but Trunks and Goten."

Izzy, from the tech booth, looked stricken. "Does that mean she doesn't love me anymore?"

Tentomon (voiced by R. Martin Klein and not the evil Nimoy) sighed. "Here we go again."

Lia fiddled with her watchband for a minute. "Oh, I'm back. Well, that's all we've got for today, gang. Join me again next week for more of the Weekly Digimon Reports. Good night, and Miss Massachusetts should've won the Miss America Pageant because she didn't look like Jenna Elfman (Dharma from Dharma and Greg) and she was from Massachusetts (my state shweet state)."

Matt, Tai, Joe, and T.K. stood around the television watching the highlights from the pageant.

"Whoa, check her out."

"Implants."

"Yeah, but she's got nice thighs."

"Now how slutty can you get?"

The respective girlfriends of said bishounen stood behind them, tapping their feet and coughing.

"…Of course, Mimi could beat them any day."

"Joe, are you on weed? Sora's way better than Mimi!"

"Kari lights up, what more do you want in the talent department?"

"Mm-mm, Lia has all three of them covered. She writes, sings, acts, promotes world peace, and had about a 4.2 GPA (grade-point average) last year. Smart, sexy…and I'm getting paid to say all this, right?"

Matt got clocked with a microphone and retreated to his dressing room.

~*~

You're probably wondering why Veemon didn't report what he saw to us yet. Well, Veemon (like me) has the memory span of a goldfish, and thus he has completely forgotten what he was going to say. I kid you not. He got back to the set and forgot what he was going to say, so he went off to the company kitchenette and made himself a bowl of Ramen noodles.

~*~

I still think you should be Miss America.

You're just sucking up.

Yeah, but aren't I cute when I do it?

Ye gods, he sounds like me. Go talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic. Rhode Island is neither a road nor an island. Discuss.