The Weekly Digimon Reports: Version 2.0
So I'm a slacker, I know that!
Remember when these used to be posted every Saturday? Well, when you're stuck in a Wal-Mart with fat people who smell like cabbages as you're trying to find a sleeping bag, some toothpaste and a bag of socks, you don't find time to write things down. And remember when, if it wasn't on a Saturday, the fic was posted on a Sunday? Well, when a woman passes out in church in the middle of the sermon, followed by Japanese ladies singing in Japanese to us, followed by a youth group meeting, followed by a trip to the mall to buy a cute pair of lavender Kaiser-glasses, followed by yet another trip to Wal-Mart, do you really expect me to do anything fanfic-related? And don't get me started on Daylight Savings Time! So, now that you've seen what misery my weekend has been, we can get on with the actual report, can't we?
"Hey Lia, why were you in Wal-Mart all weekend? Don't you know how unfashionable it is? Do you have any sense of taste? Do you even know what A&E stands for?" Mimi gasped in abject horror. Lia sighed.
"Yes, Mimi. You're forgetting where I was this time last year. Why I needed Wal-Mart junk and cute new Kaiser-glasses. Why I'm so pressed for time. And why a small parcel of Japanese women sang to us and resulted in my minister later singing Domo Arigatou Mister Roboto."
Matt, who had just finished hitting the catering tray and was rounding the corner with a sandwich and a massive wad of Mrs. Agianna's seizure-inducingly good chocolate cheesecake, heard the tail end of the conversation and almost starting having a seizure himself.
"No! Not again! Please, please don't tell me it's THAT again! Lia, you can't do this to me again, you just can't!"
The tech-booth crew cued up the 'Tool Time' music and Lia hauled her mannish work boots out of hammerspace.
"Yes, it's Missions 2002! And this time, being a sophomore, I know the ropes and I can boss around the freshmen! Welcome to another edition of the Weekly Digimon Reports, I'm Lia Agianna and you're into Week…Um, Something. One new episode, but I don't think anybody really cares cuz Digimon Frontier aired over the weekend I think, so we've all got Frontier Fever. So, due to the fact that there's fresh blood around here and because you'll be seeing these midgets around more often, let's run the show with our brand-new 04 cast, starting with an episode recap from our new goggle-boy, Takuya Kanbara. Take it away, Takuya!"
"Hi! So, let's see, the Chaos, also known as the Cranberry Sauce from Hell, was erupting like a zit on a teenager. The four Digital Sovereigns, the Digital Gods of 02, got together and were not happy at all. They used Calumon, being the big important Catalyst, to invoke digivolution on all the nearby digimon, which he did. So there are mega-level monsters running around the Digital World and they're done using Calumon. And those Digi-Gnome things pretty much died. Kenta gets a first meeting with MarineAngemon, who will eventually become his partner. Jeri whipped out the sock puppet and she's now possessed. Janyu Wong, also known as Henry's father, sent out an Ark to pick up the kids…it's a digivice-shaped boat thing. However, Rika and Renamon had to run an 'errand' before they could go, i.e., get Impmon who has indeed reverted back to Impmon. Now the question is, will Rika, Renamon and Impmon get back in time?"
"Thanks Takuya, I look forward to seeing you take up the helm for Tai, Davis and Takato come the new airing season. Okay, since Nicki is…Shadowmon, where's Nicki?"
The black-and-blue kitten looked around. "Um, I think she's reading smutty X-Men fics again. Something about Quicksilver and fishnets."
The cast started twitching.
"Okay…well, since there's no Nicki for the Psychiatry Couch portion of things, let's go to Izumi Orimoto for…something. I'm not sure what. Izumi?"
Our new buff chick/girly girl nodded and said something Italian, but seeing as how none of us speak Italian we don't know what. She probably cursed at us.
"Ahem. Well, because I'm not as much a fruit loop as Nicki is, I'm not going to be a psychiatrist. But I have an interview lined up. I'm gonna talk to Calumon about his role as the Catalyst. Hi Calumon!"
"Hiyee hi hello hi!"
Izumi smiled. "You're so cute. So, what was it like being Catalyst and all that? I mean, you're crucial to the survival of the Digital World and…"
"Let's play! I wanna play a game! We can run and hide and jump and oh boy, it'll be fun!"
"Right. But Calumon, is there some other secret we don't know about you? Like that silhouette behind you when you were searching for your 'Shining Digivolution' power. What was that?"
"A marshmallow! I have a marshmallow! Yay! Yay! Yay!"
Izumi was starting to get very annoyed. She was trying hard to be a nice, civil girl, but as cute as Calumon is, he's got the attention span of a gnat.
"Calumon, can you answer any of my questions for the audience?"
"Um, no? Do you want a cupcake?"
Izumi growled viciously and suddenly turned into Fairymon, a big imposing but damn sexy fairy who's definitely got props over Angewomon.
"YOU ARE THE MOST ANNOYING CREATURE I HAVE MET! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES!"
The more immature and film going of the Digidestined applauded Izumi/Fairymon for her well-timed usage of a classic Monty Python and the Holy Grail insult. Good movie, good movie.
Lia pulled her official Missions hammer from hammerspace and brought it down on the desktop.
"Order! Order on the set!"
"I'll take a bacon double cheeseburger with fries and a Coke!"
"Chili cheese dog!"
"Triple hot fudge sundaes with whipped cream and a cherry!"
"Green salad with low fat dressing on the side!"
Lia glared at her cast with disdain. "That was not funny. Not funny at all. Izumi, thank you for trying to interview Calumon, you had more patience than me. Okay, so I was going to do a cooking segment with Mimi and my father, who's coming with me on my trip, but he has more important things to do."
Camera is picked up by Willis, who takes it backstage. Mr. Agianna has Matt nailed to the wall and is coming up with exciting ways to slowly torture him. So far, he plans to turn his pressured power washer on the boy. That thing sprays water that would put a dent in a car! However, T.K. suggests that Matt be turned over to Yolei, who's new catch phrase, other than 'bingo' or 'perfecto' happens to be…well, Yolei can say it.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me."
Matt's praying for the power washer.
"So, from Studio Thirteen, I'm Lia Agianna! I leave Friday night at eight o'clock Eastern Daylight Savings Time, and I won't be home until Sunday, April 21st. I'll probably dither more about it in this week's Disasterpiece, if I get around to writing it. I have a Daiken to finish, not to mention that Beauty and the Beast fic, and I promised Super Hurricane and Crayon some Batpig-themed stuff, and I have the Rayearth 2 parody and I plan on writing a Fellowship of the Ring parody. So, if you see no Disasterpiece, I've either not done it due to busy-ness, or I lost all the little slips I had the names written on. Until then I'm Lia Agianna, and I have a hammer!"
~*~
"Cody, come sit on my suitcase! I don't think it's going to close!"
"Get Junpei to do it!"
"He'll squish my suitcase!"
Ken walks over to said suitcase, which is actually an oversized duffel bag on wheels, and takes out the purple-tinted girly Kai glasses, which are on top.
"Cute glasses. They on sale?"
Lia nods. "Six bucks. Seeing as how broke I am, that was a steal. Especially how much sunglasses go for these days."
"Almost packed?" Sora asks.
"Yeah, just a few more things, like my carry-on bag and some last minute things I can throw in a bag Friday before I leave, like makeup and hairbrushes and my face medication."
Just then Mr. Agianna, wearing a hand-designed Missions apron, walks into the scene holding a large pot and a vat of mayonnaise. He's also quite damp, suspiciously so, as if he had been power washing.
"Lia, how much room do you have left in your bag? Can we fit more cooking supplies in it?"
"Dad, I'm not putting a vat of mayo in with my church dress and stuff! And don't forget, for the next ten days I disown you for anything other than monetary purposes. I will not acknowledge your presence unless need be. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have to peel my boyfriend down off the wall."
~*~
It's true, I'm disowning my dad for this trip.
Twenty hours on a bus with your father. I think I'd die.
Can you believe my sisters get to go away and relax?
While you're doing manual labor? Yes. It's just like them.
At least the weather's supposed to be nice.
Enough chitchat, make the readers review so we can get out of here.
I'd appreciate reviews, it'd be a nice send-off.
