The Weekly Digimon Reports: Version 2.0
If I had a hammer…oh wait, I do.
We're back in Studio Thirteen, where Lia is sulking at her desk. She had a pretty good vacation, her team did a lot of good, charitable work, and she got a decent suntan. So why be in a foul mood?
"I fell halfway down a flight of stairs at home and now I've got this huge bruise!"
Nicki walked onto the set, reading a comic of classic X-Men. "At least you didn't fall up the stairs."
"True. Welcome back to another week of the Weekly Digimon Reports, I'm your host, Lia. Well, I was too exhausted to write up the reports for the episodes I missed while I was away, so I'm adding them in with this week's. Let's get right on to business with a recap from our 04 angst-bishy, Kouji Minamoto. Kouji?"
"Here's the lowdown. Everybody gets onto the Ark except for Takato, who wants to wait for Rika. The Ark starts to move, and they're afraid it will leave without them, until Guilmon makes it stop by screaming at it. That gives the others ample time to return…with Impmon. And turns out MarineAngemon was hiding in Kenta's pocket, so now he has a digimon. The kids all get home safe and sound, Takato reveals he has a crush on Jeri, who's all scary and possessed. Then we learn that the Chaos, or the D-Reaper, whatever it calls itself, has broken through the Digital World to the real world and is now attacking Shinjuku at an alarming rate. Of course it's up to the three original Tamers to stop it. And Jeri continues to scare people with her possessedness. Then Impmon goes home, where he finds a note from his partners. He goes to find them, and the kids, Ai and Mako, apologize for fighting. Impmon sees the Tamers in trouble as they fight the D-Reaper and tells them he has to leave. The kids give him hope, and he digivolves into Beelzemon, but this time he's on the good side. And the cranberry sauce from Hell continues to dish it out to the lot of them."
Lia nods. "Thanks, Kouji, looking forward to seeing you guys in the English dub real soon. Man, with those black wings of his, Beelzemon's encroaching on Fallen Angel turf. Dang. All right, I think Nicki's run off again…Izumi, would you care to do another interview?"
The blonde Frontier girl looked nervous. "Who this time?"
"Digidestined possessed, past and present."
"…I guess."
The psychiatry couch was pushed back and replaced by several bar stools, occupied by Matt, Sora, Ken, Kari and Jeri. Four out of the five of them seemed normal enough. Can you guess which one's still the fruit loop?
"Izumi Orimoto here with the interview of the day. I get to interview three seasons' worth of Digidestined who were more or less possessed. Matt, you were the one who started the whole thing. What happened?"
Matt sighed, taking an orange bottle out of his pockets and tossing back a couple of pills.
"I wasn't exactly possessed, per se, more like…seduced by the Dark Side. That whole Cherrymon/Puppetmon plot thing, you know? Although Lia would like to call it possession. And then there was that deal with the cave. Serious depression, hallucination, screaming at Gabumon, who bit me…I still have the scars from that, you know, Gabumon! Yeah, so because of all of that, and the angst prior to season one from family issues, I became one warped teenager. And now I'm on Prozac. Lucky, lucky me."
"It's probably Matt's fault I got possessed," Sora stated. "It was his cave in the first place, and I fell into it."
"It was not my fault! And besides, wasn't it me who got you out of it?"
"And Joe!"
Izumi sweatdropped. "Heh, moving right along…Ken, you were probably the most possessed Digidestined of your season. What happened there?"
"The Dark Seed/Spore that got implanted in my cerebral cortex took control of me. That, and grief for the death of my brother Sam. From there, everything spiraled out of control and I became the Kaiser."
"And Kari? You're the happy-go-lucky one! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I got possessed last season, that time that Matt was trying to kill my brother. And I glow spontaneously sometimes. And get transported to other dimensions. And run around screaming 'the darkness, the darkness.' I think that's it. Maybe. I don't know, I was the weird Digidestined the producers left full of plot holes."
Jeri was sitting on her stool, her eyes completely blanked over and lacking the proper anime shine to them. She was smiling eerily and swinging her legs back and forth.
"And then we have Jeri, who's still possessed now. Jeri, how come you turn blonde next weekend?"
"…"
"Do we have a psychic medium around here or something?"
Junpei walked on set with his Tarot cards. "I shall provide media. This girl says that she will be blonde and blue-eyed because there hasn't been any blue-eyed blondes in Tamers yet and every season deserves some denomination. First season were the two brothers. Second season were still the two brothers. Third season…nada. Fourth…you're blonde, Izumi, and Kouji has blue eyes."
"Junpei, can you ask Jeri if she'd stop being possessed if we got her another Leomon?"
Junpei turned over a couple of cards. "She says no, followed by various obscenities."
"Aha. Well, I think that's all the interviewing for today. For the Weekly Digimon Reports, I'm Izumi Orimoto. Back to you in the studio!"
"I had Nickelodeon on last night, watching Invader ZIM, and they had some commercial with various random characters doing something like a parody of anime shows. I'm pretty sure they ragged on DBZ, Sailor Moon, and maybe some other stuff, but I know they dissed DBZ and Moon. It was oddly amusing," Shadowmon mentioned.
"Really? How?" Gomamon asked.
"Helga from Hey Arnold was the Sailor Moon."
"Ech," replied Veemon.
"Hey! Stop interrupting, you three! We're still on! For the Weekly Digimon Repots, I'm Lia Agianna. Keep it here for updates and stuff. And read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it's good stuff! Speaking of which…Wizardmon! I know you ran off with my copy of The Two Towers, I want it back! I'm not done with it! Legolas and the others haven't even found Merry and Pippin yet!"
Said wizard had locked himself in the control booth, pretending he didn't hear a word.
Patamon ran up to the camera and waved. "Stay tuned for Batpig: The Musical! It's gonna be the biggest, best Batpig yet! I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want to read a fanfic with me singing in it?"
Crickets chirp in the background.
"I know you did that on purpose, Ken, that was mean!"
Ken grinned. "I know. All part of being an evil genius."
"I'M THE EVIL GENIUS, NOT YOU!" Izzy hollered.
Lia walked off the set and shut the door behind her. "Even after I'm done, the chaos goes on."
~*~
Another weekend, another report done.
But you still have all those fanfics to finish.
Don't remind me. And keep your eyes out for something new and different from me.
Like what?
My online manga, Lysandria, coming soon!
