The Weekly Digimon Reports: Version 2.0
One ring to rule them all, baby!
Lia finally retrieved her copy of The Two Towers from Wizardmon, where it's now set on top of her desk. Music from Les Miserables plays in the background, and the book version of that is in the hands of the great and powerful muse.
"Man, when they say abridged, they really mean abridged!" Matt complained, thumbing through the pink-covered book.
"The alternative is reading more than a thousand pages. Hello, and welcome once again to the Weekly Digimon Reports. I'm Lia Agianna, and this weekend we clear up a grievous error that we made because FOX led us to believe something that's really, really wrong. So, to get things going, let's head right over to our fortune-telling fat boy, the season four Digidestined Junpei Shibayama. Junpei?"
The large boy in the jumpsuit was sitting at a round table draped with a purple cloth, a crystal ball in the center, and Tarot cards laid out in front of him. On his head he wore a bandanna.
"Ah, the stars tell me…"
Rika walks over and yanks the bandanna off of his head. "Can the Miss Cleo deal and just review the freaking episode!"
"All right, all right! Jeez, you don't have to be so hostile! As Lia stated, we reported last week that the blonde girl in the commercials was Jeri. It wasn't. Actually, Takato saw Jeri as they were walking, and she was mumbling some mumbo-jumbo that made really no sense. After being treated to a ten-course meal by their parents, the three Tamers headed back out to fight the D-Reaper. From there, they met a little girl dressed all in black and her digimon partner. The digimon, Dobermon…clever, isn't it…informed them that he had come from the Digimon Sovereigns to give them the power to bio-merge digivolve. And he kind of exploded into magical swirling lights. But the blonde girl is not Jeri, her name is Alice, and I believe she's the daughter of Mr. Wong's friend Dr. McCoy, also known as Dolphin. Oh, and we see Shibumi back in action as well, even though he was back last week."
"Thanks, Junpei. I saw Alice's name in that newer function ff.net has that you can select characters to narrow your search, but I had no idea who she was. Anyway, because we have this new girl added to our casting ranks, let's go to Izumi Orimoto for a live interview. Izumi?"
"Thanks Lia! I'm here with Alice McCoy, the newest character in this whole saga. Alice, a couple of questions. Why show up when the season is almost over with?"
The blonde girl shrugged. "Toei needed a deus ex machina, I suppose."
"And the black? What's with that?"
Again she shrugged. "That blonde boy walking around with Les Miserables is wearing all black, so I don't see why there's a problem with me wearing all black."
Matt looked up at the camera in question. "What? What?"
Izumi shook her head. "Nothing. Now, this roving reporter has one more question, but not for you, Alice, you're all set. Where in the world have Kazu and Kenta disappeared to? The only thing we've seen is the eyecatch during commercial breaks of Kazu!"
"Good question! And what's more, can the Tamers stop the D-Reaper before it's too late? And what's up with Jeri? Find out next time on…"
"Davis! Cut that out!" the second season Digidestined shouted, smacking him upside the head.
"Hey, I'm just doing my job as an informative narrator!"
Izzy walked onto the set. "Actually, I can answer your last question. According to the commercials for next week's episode…"
Tai grabbed his shoulder. "Didn't you learn anything from last weekend? Don't go by the commercials!"
"Yeah, but it looks like Jeri's not really possessed like Oikawa had been, but her body was cloned by the D-Reaper, which is actually some sort of feminine digimon creature, according to my sources!"
"Invasion of the body-snatchers? Creepy!" Davis said.
"Well, that's all the actual news we're probably going to get in today. For the Weekly Digimon Reports, I'm Lia Agianna. See you next…"
"WAIT!" Mimi cried, running onto the set. "What about us?"
"Yeah! Weren't you going to say something about this afternoon?" Sora added.
Lia paused. "Oh yeah! I dug up my tapes of season two and watched a bunch of old episodes from the Oikawa arc. Man, those were the good old days."
"You guys were pathetic," Rika scoffed. "You didn't blow up digimon or anything."
"Really. When we were your age, anything that wasn't a friend got deleted, end of discussion," Tai added.
"But digimon don't deserve to die! They're good, innocent living creatures!" Cody argued.
"They're not so good or innocent when they're trying to kill you, are they? They're not so good or innocent when they've kidnapped your brother and tried to gun them down, are they?" Matt questioned.
"Oh boy, Dark Master relapse. T.K., you might want to get the Prozac and the stun gun. I'm Lia Agianna, and I'm leaving before this gets any worse."
~*~
I miss Digimon Adventure.
That's 01-02 for the rest of us…Adventure was the Japanese name for it.
None of this killer cranberry sauce and digivolving with your digimon.
I remember wanting to do that. Our group never got any of the good digivolutions.
No, they didn't. But at least you guys had proper villains.
Yeah, that's true. Tamers has me really confused.
I think it has everyone really confused.
