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" " : Indicates spoken words.
italics : Indicate thoughts.
] [ : Indicates radio transmissions.
Aberrant Impact
Chapter 4
Tokyo 3, 2015; 8:22 A.M. NERV Central Hospital Intensive Care Ward, East Wing, Section Four, Nursing Station Four.
As the inordinately loud message came over the public address system, Kieko Yamada turned away from her terminal, looking up at the public address speaker over head in annoyance. As she turned back towards her computer terminal, she noticed Shinji, and turned to face him, looking up from where she sat. Her voice was polite and cool, and her face conveyed professional concern as she spoke to him. . "May I help you, Sir?" She stood as she asked him the question, mistaking the haggard look on his face, the wrinkled white dress shirt and black dress slacks, and the worry lines around his eyes as belonging to an older man. He hesitated at the honorific, taken aback and needing a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing, as he was not used to being addressed that way. He became aware, as he gathered his thoughts, that she seemed almost as taken aback about something as he was, and that she wasn't too much older than he was.
"Are you all right?" she asked, her young voice still calmly professional, but reflecting the concern that had crept onto her attractive face. She took the moment that his hesitation gave her to look at the young man in front of her. He's a lot younger than I am first thought. she observed, slightly embarrassed. She took in his almost defeated posture, his stress haggard face, and the dark, slightly puffy, red rimmed eyes, and couldn't help but feel empathy for him. Around fifteen, I guess. He looks like he hasn't slept in days… Cute though, even if he is younger than me… She had a nagging feeling that she had seen him before, but could not place him.
"I… Um, I, I'm fi-, ahm, fine, really…" he stammered, in an attempt to quell the concern he saw on her face. "Sorry, I- I'm just… Just a little tired is all." Try as he might, he could not stifle the hesitation in his voice. He had been a bit nervous because of why had come to the hospital. He was now even more nervous as he realized that the nurse was an attractive young Japanese woman. Her face was attractively proportioned, having a cute, petite nose, thin, yet perky lips, a delicately pointed chin, and high cheekbones that enhanced the expressiveness of her deep, subtle brown eyes. He also noticed that the nursing uniform subtly accentuated her athletic, somewhat busty figure. Why did I notice that now of all times? he wondered, almost frantically.
She smiled at him, her smile making her seem unaware of his hesitation and nervousness. She hoped that the smile would calm him down a little. Yes, definitely cute! she thought, feeling relieved to hear that his voice was less haggard than the rest of him. His voice seems a bit raw, though… Almost like he's been crying or yelling… She considered his puffed up, red rimmed eyes, and decided on the former, her face softening a little. She hesitated briefly, not sure whether to call her head nurse to take a look at him, or to just accept his current state. "Are you sure?" she asked tentatively, looking into his deep, cobalt blue eyes, searching them for any deception. She did not know why, but as she looked into his eyes, making sure this boy was in all actuality all right was suddenly very important to her.
He smiled hesitantly, being surprised at how he suddenly he felt very relaxed, especially with her smiling and looking at him as intensely as she did. Why should her smiling affect me like this? Not even Ayanami smiling at me made me feel so… So relaxed, so comfortable… he thought, feeling a little nervous. But I do like it… When he spoke, his voice held much more assurance than he felt, "Yeah, I'm fine. I… I'm just here to look in on a friend… I don't know what room she's in, though…" He wasn't sure why, but he felt his smile widening, touching his face, even his eyes. He wasn't sure why he smiled at her like that, he just knew that it felt right to do so. As her looked at her, he noticed how the smile she gave him seemed to light up her entire face, especially her eyes. He realized that her eyes seemed to be locked onto his, as if to discern whether he was being honest about how he was feeling.
For her part, as Kieko gazed into his eyes, she believed him. She felt that it would be nearly impossible for him be dishonest, with the way his eyes so easily expressed his inner feelings. She found that she liked that, and the pure expressiveness of his eyes. She was attracted to his shy honesty. As well as what she felt to be a very cute, almost handsome face, a face she felt would only become more handsome. She blushed slightly, as she realized what she was thinking. Now she was the one to be embarrassed by her thoughts, as she felt drawn into the seemingly infinite depth of eyes, and put at ease by his at first shy, then openly honest smile. She had rarely seen a smile that was of such pure emotion before; she suddenly felt a brief stab of jealousy at his mention that he was meeting a woman. Stop that! He isn't even sixteen yet, and you're almost nineteen… she chided herself. Of course, that didn't stop mother and father, and they had been five years apart when they met! She looked into his eyes for another long moment, realizing that she probably seemed to be staring at him. Admit it, you like him already! the less than professional part of her mind replied matter-of-factly. You've barely even met him, you silly woman, why in the name of all that's sacred are you jealous of him seeing someone that probably isn't even awake?
With her last thought, she felt a little bit guilty; however, she couldn't help but feel a little bit of jealousy at the woman that had the luck to have the attractive young man in front of her coming to meet her. I could look into those eyes for hours, though… she thought, and she felt her own smile widening, and that it was quite a bit more open and natural than before. "What's her name?" she asked him, as she turned back to her computer. Instead of sitting down, however, she bent over her chair to use it. She looked back to him over her shoulder, ready to enter the name of the woman he was looking for into her computer, and tried to convince herself that she was not doing this to appeal to him. She had a hard time believing herself, not that it bothered her overmuch. She had not felt as relaxed with someone as she was with this shy young man for quite a while, and she rather liked the feeling.
"Sohryu… Asuka Langley Sohryu." He said, more relaxed than he had been in some time as she smiled at him. Normally, I'd be a nervous wreck right now, but I'm not… I mean, I've just met her, why am I so damn relaxed? he asked himself as he realized exactly how relaxed he was around her. He would be the first to admit that he felt nervous around most women, especially attractive women like the nurse he was speaking to. He had no idea why he was no longer stuttering and blushing his way through his conversation, but he was quite happy that he wasn't. He looked at her as she bent over her computer, and he couldn't help but to admire what he saw. Another shock, as he did not feel ashamed in doing so. He felt almost as if it were the most ordinary thing to catch a glance of her shapely, toned derrière.
As these thoughts crossed his mind, a small part of him wondered if she could be doing that on purpose, if perhaps she were interested in him. She's older than you, you idiot, she wouldn't go for you because you're too young! he scolded himself sternly. Anyway, why would she be interested in a fifteen year old? he thought derisively, And a cowardly, sniveling wimp of a fifteen year old at that! His mood started to darken, and a slight frown crossed his face. Besides, if she knew what I was, what I've done, she'd hate me completely, wouldn't she… He looked down at the floor, lost in thought and feeling ashamed, and now more regretful than before, as he contemplated the last few weeks of his life. A dark, brooding, almost grief stricken frown creased his features, causing him to look much older than his fifteen years.
The young nurse had known whom he was referring to immediately. The entire ICU nursing staff knew, at least by name, the pilots of the Evas. In fact, she had been here when the First Child, Rei Ayanami, had been admitted after a training accident with her Eva. She had even changed Rei's bandages a few times, while she had been in a coma. She knew that Asuka was in the First Cranial Nerve Department, undergoing continued observation due to "Mental stress and central nervous system damage caused by the fifteenth Angel". He must be a classmate, or her boyfriend… she thought, as she looked the name up. She found herself hoping that it wasn't the latter. Admit NERV personnel only? She looked back at him, and found him looking at the floor, a dark frown across his features. Well, I have to break it to him, I just as well be honest… She did not, however, want to tell him. She could almost feel how sad he was, even though she could not see his eyes, as his hair covered them. That bothered her more than she would have believed, as even the thought of seeing those expressive, deep blue eyes clouded with sadness bothered her, as his eyes conveyed what he felt so eloquently. She felt distressed at his being this way, even though she barely knew him. This'll probably hurt him, and then there goes any chance of getting together with him…
She sighed softly, hoping that it had been too quietly for him to hear. Why am I worrying about that, anyway? He's only fifteen and wouldn't be interested in an older woman anyway, right? At her almost inaudible sigh, Shinji looked up, seeing her take in a calming breath. He did not know it, but she was bracing herself for what she was certain to be a string of curses and insults to come. "I'm sorry," she said, apologetically.
He was surprised at her tone, as she seemed to actually feel that way. I wonder why she seems so worried? he thought, somewhat confused at her change in demeanor, and suddenly, unexpectedly, wishing he could relieve her of her worries. But I'm just a boy, she wouldn't be interested…
"I'm afraid that she can only get visitors if they are NERV personnel, or are accompanied by such…" Before she could even finish her statement, Shinji pulled his wallet out of his pants pocket, and removing his NERV identification card from within. She looked at him, her face belying her surprise that he worked for NERV, and then she looked at the name on it. Ikari, Shinji, Personnel Designation: Pilot… she blushed slightly, as she finally realized why he had looked so familiar. Damn, it would be my luck that he'd have to be the Third Child… Stupid girl, I guess I shouldn't have hoped that he would be interested… she cursed herself, feeling angry and embarrassed at the same time. I mean, he works with her, so it makes sense that he's seeing her. In fact, that's probably why he's here! She thought about what he had said, about seeing a friend. I guess I just read too much into that, I honestly thought he meant friend, but he probably meant girlfriend… Damn, I feel so stupid now! Even so, she kept her smile as professional as she could, not wanting him to know how she felt. That's all I need, for him to think I'm trying to take him away from his comatose girlfriend… She felt her control slipping, and clamped down on her emotions as hard as she could. Now stop that! It's your own damn fault, stupid woman! She's his age, she's works with him, and he's known her a lot longer than you! So don't go trying to do something stupid! She brought her hand up to her face, as it to rub her eyes in exasperation with herself, and presented her best poker face. "I see. Ms. Sohryu is in Room three oh three of the First Cranial Nerve Department" she said, giving him directions to Asuka's room. She then let a small smile come to her face, and regarded him apologetically. "I feel silly, I didn't even realize who you were, Pilot Ikari. Sorry about that…"
Shinji felt a pang of regret then. He saw her face change to slight anger, and he thought the anger directed at him. Then he watched her face become calm, even verging on friendly, and felt his heart sink. Great, now she's gone professional on me… I guess she either knows about me, or I've hurt someone she knows… He felt his face fall, as the feeling the melancholy that had left him coming back with a vengeance. Dammit! She probably wasn't interested at all! She was probably just trying to make me feel better… I'm such an idiot! He looked at her, and reconsidered his last thought. No, she doesn't seem like that, I probably just hurt someone she knows… He felt anger rising to the surface, as he cursed himself angrily, for misjudging her like he just had, and at his father for forcing him into his position that had hurt so many people. His right hand slowly clenched into a fist, at his anger, seemingly of its own accord.
She noticed as his entire demeanor became downcast, yet with something more rising to the surface. What brought this about? she wondered, concerned, despite her self directed feelings of anger. He seemed to be so relaxed before… Now he seems so… I don't know… She looked at his downcast face, and saw his fist slowly clenching, and knew what she saw. He's angry… Very angry… She was a little worried now, unknowing why he was like this, so suddenly. I hope it's not at me… She spoke up, hesitantly, "Um… Are… Are you sure you're OK? What's wrong?"
"Huh?" he asked, feeling foolish as he did so. He realized that his fist was clenched, and that he must be showing his emotions quite openly. Calm down, stupid! No need to scare her, she didn't do anything, you did! He looked up at her, seeing real concern showing through the neutral mask that she wore, and the fear in her eyes. Maybe I'm wrong… I.. I should ask her if I hurt someone that she knows… Dammit, I don't know how to ask… He cleared his throat, looking at her, forcing his anger down as much as he could. "Ah… I-… I'm sorry, ma'am, I… Didn't mean to worry you… Um… I'm OK, no need to worry about me…" Kieko relaxed a little as he calmed himself, and he felt encouraged to go on. "I'm just… When I hear 'Pilot Ikari', and I'm feeling like I am, I… I just get to thinking about some of the things that have happened… People that have gotten hurt because of the battles with the angels…" His voice became small as he continued to speak, letting his feelings guide him. "I feel so helpless at times, and wish I could have done more… I don't like it when people get hurt, and I start to think I could have done better…"
"I'm so sorry, Pi… Um, I'm sorry, Ikari-kun!" Kieko exclaimed, interrupting him. Oh, no, I've really done it now! I know I didn't know about it, but… she thought then, wishing for a way to make up for her ignorance. "I didn't know, and… I… I didn't mean to cause you any grief, I-, I'm sorry. I… Didn't realize that piloting could cause you so much pain. I mean you've done so much good, saving so many people… I knew that some people got hurt, but I didn't realize that it would…" her eyes looked down to the floor for a moment, as she was unsure of what else to say. "I know that it bothers you, but I'm glad that you were piloting Unit-01 against the angels… You made it possible for my two sisters and my mother to get to a shelter when the second one you fought came…" She hit an impasse as far as what else to say to him, so she went on, speaking the first thing that came to her mind. "I kind of understand what you mean, though… It's like when a patient dies here…" she rushed the words out, trying to let him know that she did understand. "I feel terrible, because maybe if I'd done more, or been just a second earlier… I know that it's beyond my control, but I still worry about it." She looked down for a moment. Then she spoke softly, unaware that she had done so, "I sometimes have nightmares about it…"
He felt horrified as her heard her admission. So I didn't hurt someone she knows? he pondered, shocked, She didn't have to tell me about her patients, either… Why did she? He had no idea why, but he wanted her to know that it wasn't her fault for him being angry. "No reason to be sorry, ma'am." he stated, his voice calm and honest. "I, ah, I didn't mean to bring you bad memories about the patients… Besides, you didn't know, couldn't have known." His smile returned, but it was only a ghost of his former smile. "We just met, it's not like you'd know something like that! Asuka doesn't even really know I feel like that, and we've been roommates for almost a year…" His face fell as he mentioned the young woman. "We were roommates… I wish this wouldn't have happened to her… We… Weren't really as close as we could have been, I guess... Every time we'd start to get close, we would argue, or an angel attack would put so much stress on us… She just didn't want me around, when that would happen… She was afraid that I'd hurt her, if we got too close, I guess. Still, I guess we were friends, and I…" his voice went quiet, as he spoke again. "I wish at times there could have been more, but we were just fellow pilots…" his voice dropped to a whisper, speaking what was on his mind, "I was too much of a boy for her, too boring…"
He took a deep, shuddering breath, and let it out slowly. He had to stop himself, as he felt tears trying to form, and he did not want to cry in front of her. He looked up at her, his face unreadable for a moment. "Um… Sorry… I- I'm… Sorry for rambling." He smiled ruefully, looking at the attractive nurse, not sure why he had continued, as she seemed have regained her composure; at least until she had started looking at him in shock. "I do that when I'm nervous. But I shouldn't lay this on you… Like I said, we just met, that's not very polite, is it? I don't want to take advantage of you, I… I don't like doing that…" His thoughts turned dark as he thought who that would be like, I don't like being anything like my father…
Kieko found that she had covered her mouth with her fingers, as if to stifle herself from speaking, shock in her eyes. She was surprised by his admission, finding it almost impossible to believe, that a girl would turn away such a handsome, caring young man. She was even more surprised by her own feelings, of concern for him, and of anger towards the red headed girl sleeping in the Cranial Department. How could she be like that? He has so much concern for others, caring for her even though it sounds like she hated him… I would like to have the caring of someone like him… "Well, Ikari-kun," Kieko said after he was finished, "I still apologize for bringing up bad memories." She looked into his eyes again, searchingly. Should I ask him? I mean, he's younger, and he has so much to think about, I don't want to be a distraction. And I… I could fall in love with him, the way he seems… Do I want to risk that kind of pain again? When she spoke, her voice held a nervous quaver in it. "Um, sorry to ask like this, but I can't help but be kind of surprised, the way you were talking, it sounds like you're not going out with her, even though you're her roommate…"
Shinji did not know what to say at first. Why is she wondering? He lowered his head, so his eyes were hidden by his hair, and contemplated how to answer her. As he did, he stole a look at her through his the lowered bangs. I mean, she can't be interested in me, right? I'm not old enough, and I'm a wimp and everything… I guess I should just tell her the truth, though. I mean, it would be the right thing to do, right? After laying all my problems on her like that, it's the least I should do… He looked up, a neutral expression on his face, "No, like I said, we're just friends… And, to be honest, that is stretching it a little bit, after the last time we talked to each other, but, still…"
Kieko was happy, though she felt a little guilty at the way she asked him. "Oh, I see." she said, somewhat anticlimactically. She felt her face brighten, and a smile take to her face. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that you and her don't get along as well as you could. Urm, I…" she stopped, feeling more nervous and a touch excited, not knowing where the latter emotion came from. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but I know that you don't like being called Pilot Ikari…" she started, giving him an apologetic look at using his obviously hated title. "So what do you prefer, Ikari-kun, Shinji-kun," she paused, giving him a nervous, but honest, smile, "or do you like just being called Shinji?"
"Um, well, ah, Shinji would be fine!" he stammered, seemingly in a rush to get his words out. "Or Ikari-kun, or, well, uhm, or whatever seems better to you… Ah, ahem…" he had tried to hide his surprise at the question, but failed miserably, drawing a laugh from both of them. "Ah, there's no reason to feel silly, ma'am Um… aahhh…" he blushed, realizing that he was referring to her as he would to Misato, and not sure how she would react to his next question. "What's your name, Miss…?" he asked, his question hanging in the air for a moment.
She suppressed a giggle as he stumbled over his words, feeling that would best not to at that point, and relaxed greatly, her smile becoming very warm. "My name is Kieko…" she said, her voice hinting at her being even more nervous at that point, "Kieko Yamada, just a nurse studying to be a doctor, and the only one of her friends still single, at your service…" She said, jokingly, and paused after what she said that, shocked at her bluntness. Did I actually say that? Am I actually doing this? I hope I'm not making a mistake… "Ah, do you think you'll be around later? After your visit with Ms. Sohryu, I mean…" At Shinji' affirmative nod, she continued, slightly rushing her words. "I have my lunch break, in a couple of hours," she paused for a moment, looking at the clock, "I start it at around fifteen minutes to noon." She blushed lightly, biting her lip nervously for a moment. "Um, would you be interested in having lunch at the commissary with me?"
Shinji was a bit surprised with himself, as he was pleased to hear that she was single. "First, it's a pleasure to meet you, Kieko Yamada," he said softly, looking into her eyes. "As for being free later… Um, I should be… I have no real reason be anywhere, ah, I mean… Um…" he blushed, glancing around, "If you don't mind, I'd like to…" he took a deep, calming breath, and let out a short, nervous laugh. "I, ah, I would like to, yes…" He gazed into her eyes, and beamed a smile at her. It was an open smile that left little room for interpretation.
She felt her heart skip a beat as he smiled at her with his open, honest smile again. Why does that smile make me feel this way? she asked herself, as her own smile came back, lighting her face.
"I… I guess I should let you get back to your work…" a slight melancholy flowed over him, though his smile remained. He found that he wanted to talk to her more, something that he rarely felt, at least when it came to members of the opposite sex. He turned away to go visit Asuka, and started to walk away when Kieko called out to him softly, causing him to look back at her.
"Um, I hope that Ms. Sohryu is OK, Ikari-kun." she said, her tone sincere. "Have a good day." she added, as she noticed her fellow nurse, Hikaru, was walking by. It wasn't that she really cared who knew that she had been talking to, and even flirting with, Shinji, but she was loath to give her friend ammunition to harass her with during lunch break. Hikaru was busy with her work however, and passed with the barest of nods, turning down another hallway. Kieko looked back to Shinji, and murmured, just loud enough for him to hear, "And I hope to see you later?" She looked at him, making sure that she was looking directly in the eyes; she wanted him to see that even though she was nervous and uncertain about what she said, she meant every word she said. "I… I'd like that… I'd like to get to know you, Shin-chan."
Shinji felt several emotions hit him at once when she said that last question, and made that last, simple little statement. Happiness that such a pretty woman was expressing interest in him. Confusion over why she would. Fear, at how comfortable he had felt talking to the nurse, even with his nervousness. He was even more nervous at how she seemed to like him so easily. And the nagging impression of guilt that he was betraying Asuka, after what he had read in the torn magazine article. He gazed back at Kieko, seeing that she was awaiting a response, and that her slight smile was nervous, yet hopeful. Something struck him at that moment. Something that startled him to the core; he realized that he did not really care about his confusion, or his fear, or his guilt. He just knew that she was an attractive woman, and she would like to get to know him. She seemed willing to accept him, even when she had seen that he was a pilot, she just seemed to accept it without too much of the fuss so many other girls that he had met. He closed his eyes, and smiled his soft, hesitant smile again. If I do this, there's no turning back… he thought, still not completely sure if he should say what he was about to or not, but committing himself to do so.
He took a fairly nervous breath, and replied simply, just as softly as she had, "Um, yeah… I think… No, I know I'd like that, too, Kieko… Kieko-chan…" The last was said in the barest of whispers, so quietly that if Kieko had not been paying such close attention to him, she would have missed it. He opened his eyes, seeing that she was still looking intently at him, and felt his smile widen, as she seemed to accept his statement as truth.
He turned slowly and continued down the hallway, then turned right towards the First Cranial Nerve Department, room 303. Why did you say that, you idiot! You just met her, you scared her, how can you be so sure you like her that much? Besides, it's bad manners… He tried to believe his own arguments against his feelings, and failed. She called me chan first, he reasoned, And she is cute, and I like her… So why shouldn't I say that? Although he was still feeling a bit melancholy, his mood was much improved as he walked along the hallway, feeling her warm smile following him until he had turned, which pleased him very much. What's wrong with me, aren't I supposed to be scared and running away right now? He did not think that he wanted to, as he felt a connection with this girl that he hadn't with any girl before.
