Disclaimer: Studio Gainax owns Neon Genesis Evangelion. Any other name, or product, are registered, trademarked, and copyrighted by their respective owners. Should they, or their affiliates, request it, I shall remove this fan fiction from the Web. Thank you.

" " : Indicates spoken words.

italics : Indicate thoughts.

] [ : Indicates radio transmissions.

Aberrant Impact

Chapter 9

Tokyo-3, 2015; 10:52 A.M. NERV Command Center, Command Bridge

Makoto Hyuuga sat hunched slightly over his monitoring console, peeing at various readouts for any sign of angel activity. This should not have seemed unusual, however, considering that the seventeenth and supposedly died just over a month earlier, it was quite unusual indeed. The appearance of the angel had been quite brief, and there was still the distinct possibility that it was a glitch in the MAGI computer system. Malfunction within the sensing systems had been completely ruled out, as had an external attack by a hacker. That left only the possibility of an error within the MAGI computer system itself, and that was being slowly ruled out by Maya and her subordinates. He sighed, stretching his hands above his head in an effort to remove the kinks that had developed in his neck and shoulders.

I sure hope that they get done quickly, this is grating on my nerves! He thought, with a slight smile. He was just returning his attention to his readouts when an emergency message came up on his console, with a tagline indicating that it was a message of a type that he was not normally a recipient of. He looked around, to make sure no one was in his direct area before checking the message. It was a secured and encrypted communiqué from a NERV field agent, and it was intended for him. That's odd… Shigeru is the communications man; I don't understand why it's coming directly to me… The fact that Makoto was receiving it made him nervous, but he decided to continue on and read it. The decryption that he needed was already built into the console he was in, and when he opened the main body of the message he was shocked by what he saw. An instant message window opened up in front of him, with a nickname that only two people knew of, one of them being himself, the other his older brother. He knew that it had to be his older brother, because of two reasons, the first being the nickname. The second was the fact that his older brother was a field agent of NERV. Before he could type anything into his console's keyboard, the window relayed a message to him.

"Sorry to interrupt you at work, but I have some important information I have to pass along, and quickly." The message was very quickly typed, so Makoto knew that speed was of the essence.

"What's the message?" he replied, his fingers moving very quickly across the keyboard. "Is it for NERV intelligence or for Section Two?"

"I'm only telling you this because I believe that I can trust you, OK? This message is intended for agent Kaji, if you could get it to him."

"Kaji is dead. His death was ordered from above Ikari." Was all that Makoto entered, and he felt a wave of nervousness wash over him as he did so.

There was a five second pause, then another quick message scrolled across his screen. "Ok, then it's for whoever took over for him, do you know who that is?"

"Yes, I'm currently helping Kaji's replacement with the same work." Makoto felt sweat beading on his forehead as he typed, checking around again to see if anyone was noticing. Much to his relief, he was still alone and unmonitored.

"Well, that's a relief. Sorry again for dragging you further into this, but it's vital that he gets this information to whoever it is. Tell the person that Tex's has information on how Selee has been keeping tabs on NERV activity, and he's in the process of acquiring that asset for NERV, at least to help stop Selee's current course of action. The information packet I'm sending has all of the information you guys will need. Get a hold of me through Tex when you have an answer. I have to go. Take care of yourself, Ko, and watch you're back!"

"OK, I'll pass the information along. And To? I've become as deep into this as I can. You take care, too!" Makoto looked around again as a file appeared in his console's storage. He quietly slipped a disk into his consoles drive and saved the document his older brother had sent him, and quickly slid it into an inner pocket of his uniform jacket. He looked back to the screen, to see a last message appear on his screen.

"Don't worry about any traces being left on your computer, when you shut your message window, all traces will be removed, including that packet I sent you. Take care again. And thanks." With that, Makoto closed the chat window, and watched in surprise as the records of the conversation were indeed erased. He contemplated this, and the disk in his inner breast pocket a moment more before a loud explanation brought him out of his reverie.

"Dr. Akagi!" The name was almost shouted, shattering the efficient near silence that had enveloped the Command Bridge. Across the bridge, near the primary MAGI control interface, a hapless tech that had been concentrating a bit too hard almost threw the thermos of coffee that he had been reaching for, so startled was he. A blushing Maya Ibuki looked around at the silent faces of the bridge crew, and with an annoyed look on her blushing face she addressed them in a slightly quieter voice. "OK, stop gawking at me and get back to work, got it?" The Command Bridge became a place of brief activity as people who had moments earlier been gawking at the normally quiet Maya Ibuki went back to their work in a busy manner. The blushing Maya looked back to Ritsuko, a thousand questions apparent on her face, but only calm professionalism apparent in her demeanor. "Well, Dr. Akagi, it's good to have you helping us figure out if the MAGI are malfunctioning or not. I didn't expect you until noon, however…" Her tone was mildly apologetic as she said this, bringing an honest smile to the up until now stone faced Ritsuko.

"Well, I decided to come up directly after eating… After all, if it is an angel, we'll need the MAGI up to full capabilities, won't we? And since someone else is in charge, I'll be able to get directly into the guts of things, as it were…" She said, her voice calm and confident, with a note of approving amusement as she spoke, indicating the new rank badges on Maya's collar. "What have your people been able to figure out, Captain Ibuki?" Makoto smiled and turned back to his readouts as the conversation devolved into an exchange of technical jargon beyond his capabilities to comprehend, a smile on his face. Well, she seems none the worse for wear for being in solitary for so long… And she seems more relaxed then I remember her, maybe it's because she's not in charge? He smiled at that thought, shaking his head as he watched his readouts. Probably, but I don't really know her well enough to say one way or the other… Either way though, with her here, the search for problems within the MAGI should go even faster… He looked at the clock on his console, realizing that Major Katsuragi would be there soon. I need to get this to her, but with all the people here… He glanced back at Maya, seeing that her and Ritsuko were away from the others, discussing the MAGI system in depth. Maybe I could arrange something with Maya… He stood up, walking over to where Maya and Ritsuko stood, getting Maya's attention from a discreet distance. "Captain Ibuki?" he said, in an effort to make this appear official. "A moment, if you can?"

"Just a moment, Dr. Akagi…" she said, surprising both herself and Ritsuko by not stumbling into calling her sempai. She walked over to Makoto, aware that Ritsuko's eyes were on her back. I'm glad that she already knows about what's been going on, or I'd feel even more nervous than I do right now… She thought, a slightly strained smile appearing on her face. "What's going on?" she asked Makoto when she got close to him.

Makoto dropped his voice until it was just over a whisper, his lips hardly moving. "I just got a communiqué from one of Kaji's contacts. He needs me to pass information to Misato… I have it on disk, but I need to get it to her discreetly… Any chance that you can get the monitoring equipment in her office to, ahm, "forget" that I was there when she gets here?" He looked around, scratching the back of his head as if he were embarrassed about something. "I just have no idea how to justify…" He was interrupted by the low voice of Ritsuko as she broke into the conversation.

"Are you running the same old shift pattern?" she asked quietly, being rewarded with a slight jump from Maya and Makoto. They looked at her and nodded, Maya blushing as she only now remembered that Ritsuko had suggested that she help Makoto and Misato with their search for the truth. "Since some of you from the oh-four-hundred shift seem to be a bit too much on edge," he nodded to the hapless tech that Maya had startled so greatly with her shocked greeting to Ritsuko, "Perhaps you should send your people on lunch breaks based on a "first in, first on break" philosophy..." At Maya and Makoto's almost incredulous look, she smiled, almost laughing. "After all, hungry techs tend to make mistakes… To miss important things. I'd say," she narrowed her eyes in thought, her head bowed slightly. "Since it is so important to have people on watch, though,, I'd say no more than ten minutes each. I saw Misato heading for her office" she smiled at them, indicating Makoto with a finger. "That should give you a chance to both get something to eat, and get the information to Misato… If you don't get lost like she does, that is!" Maya and Makoto looked at each other, then at Ritsuko. They all three chuckled at her comment about Misato, as well as the fact that the plan seemed to be quite sound.

"OK, let's get it done, then!" Maya said, her face an odd mixture of her old shy but generally happy demeanor and the firmness of command. The three separated, Ritsuko returning to look over the state of progress on the MAGI, Makoto to monitor his station until relieved for lunch break, and Maya to order that very lunch break. Neither noticed the three sets of cameras that followed their path. Nor did they, or anyone else, notice the brief flash of the MAGI computer system unanimously confirming a course of action.

Elsewhere, Somewhen. Asuka Langley Sohryu's Mindscape.

Shinji Ikari stared in shocked silence at the sight before him, hardly believing his own eyes. Before him sat the sobbing, huddled form of Asuka Langley Sohryu. After the initial shock wore off, Shinji still had trouble believing that he was looking at the Asuka he knew. Although he had seen her in tears before, he had never seen her quite like this, not even after the fifteenth angel. She looked almost totally exhausted, an almost completely shattered remnant of whom she was before. But as he looked on, he knew that it could be none other than the young woman that he had met on the deck of the UNS Over The Rainbow almost six months earlier. Asuka was dressed in one of her plugsuits, the red material seeming to be duller than normal. Her hair had lost the beautiful, shimmering luster he was used to seeing, and her skin had lost its healthy tone. She looked much like she had in her hospital bed, except that she had a more worn, disheveled look about her in this place. She was hugging her legs to her chest, her forehead resting on her knees, her arms holding her legs just below where her head rested. Shinji could see tears sliding down to the top of her cheeks before dropping onto her legs.

After a moment of staring at her, Shinji tore his gaze away, looking around the room he was in. As he looked around, he knew that he wasn't in the comfortable den from Asuka's childhood home. The room was very dark, except in one corner, making it almost impossible to see anything else in the room. It was almost as if the rest of the room shouldn't be seen. The few details he could make out, and the antiseptically clean odor of the place, made it obvious that it was a hospital room. Before Shinji could truly examine the room in detail, Asuka began to speak, immediately drawing his eyes back to the haggard young woman.

"Why?" Asuka asked, her voice unsteady and slightly raw, as if she'd been crying on a regular basis for some time. "I… I know that these are my memories, but I don't understand! Why didn't I remember this until now? WHY?" her sobs increased in ferocity, her shoulders shaking violently as she continued. "Why couldn't I remember you like this before now? Why didn't you stay with me like this, Momma…? Why couldn't I remember you when you lov-… When you loved me? Not Whe-. Not when you loved that... That thing?" Asuka shook her head uncomprehendingly, the answers eluding her. "Why, Momma? Didn't I love you enough?" Asuka's form seemed to sag, as if she felt that was at least part of the answer. "Didn't I… Love you enough…?" Her hands balled into fists as she tried futilely to stem the tide of the sobs. The sight of the once proud young woman in this state shocked Shinji, so much so that he stood in place for several seconds, unsure of what to do.

"Asuka... Can you hear me?" Shinji asked, yet Asuka didn't seem to hear him, and she curled up a little tighter, as if trying to pull back from everything around her. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, he made his way towards where Asuka sat, looking around the room and paying more attention to the details he could see. The room was only lit by one light that seemed to be skewed in its frame to point directly upon Asuka. Her back was against what appeared to be a simple white four drawer dresser with recessed black handles. To the left of that was a small desk, bolted between the wall and the dresser. Strangely, at least to Shinji, there seemed to be no chairs in the room. As he came closer to her, Shinji felt as if something were above him, but he dismissed that as being paranoia.

It was then that he noticed that he was by the foot of a bed, and there was an unusual shape on the floor that caught his eyes. As he looked closer, he saw a simple rag doll on the floor, its head having been ripped about half way off, the stuffing sticking out at odd angles. As he leaned down and inspected it more intently, he noticed some string snaking out from under the torso of the doll. The string was broken about twenty centimeters up from the head of the doll. He picked up the doll and turned it over, realizing, to his horror, that the string had been fashioned into a noose, and put around the doll's neck. Shinji now knew that the doll had been hanging. Probably from that twisted lighting fixture… he reasoned, shuddering slightly. When the doll had been ripped down, the neck of the doll had also been ripped open. Shinji looked towards Asuka, and saw that she had some of the cotton stuffing clinging to her hair and plugsuit, and stood abruptly, recoiled recoiling from the sight. As he did so, he felt certain that something was directly behind, and paradoxically, above him. He had already started turning to look when Asuka's now soft voice caught his attention once again. He turned back to her, an almost audible sigh of relief passing from his mouth as he did so.

"I'm sorry, Momma... I'm sorry I didn't love you enough... To keep you from going away." she relaxed her hands from the fists they had formed, and tried to hug her knees tighter to herself. "When I was little, I promised that I loved you, Momma. I… I do love you, Momma, just like I promised…" Shinji felt as if his heart had been stabbed with ice. Without fully realizing what he was doing, he moved over and placed a hand on her shoulder, kneeling in front of her. Asuka drew in a breath at the contact, her body going rigid for a small span of heartbeats. Yet when she looked up from where her head was resting, her eyes seemed dead, and Shinji felt as if she were looking through him, as if he were not there. She relaxed as he left his hand in place, though she still did not truly acknowledge that he was present. She lowered her head back to her arms, her sobs coming back to her, though less violently. "God dammit, why? Why am I remem-… Remembering this now? Now when no… No one gives a damn… About me, why… Why do I have to remember this…?"

Shinji squeezed her shoulder lightly, and spoke, to get her attention. "Asuka, don't say that, please? We do care… We just have trouble showing it, sometimes… I... I care…" his voice dropped to a whisper, at his last statement. None the less, this had the immediate effect of Asuka looking up, and directly into his eyes. She sat completely still for a moment, barely drawing breath, looking at him this time, not through him, but did nothing else other than breathing for several moments. Shinji took this as an invitation to speak. He felt that he was even more nervous than he had been when he had poured his heart out to her in her room. "I know… I know I never said anything… I should have, but… I've never been good at that kind of thing. I wish I would have, though, then maybe you wouldn't be in here. Maybe… Maybe I wouldn't have…"

Realization had slowly dawned on Asuka that this was not a normal part of her dream as Shinji spoke. She exhaled softly, raising her half opened right hand from where she was hugging her legs to gently touch her knuckles to his face, interrupting him in mid sentence. He flinched at the contact, pulling away from her hand, causing Asuka to pause. He looked at her for a moment, and her arm relaxed slightly, though she left her arm half extended. After a moment, Shinji leaned back to where he had been, and Asuka slowly extended her arm. Shinji did not flinch as she once again touched his face. The touch of Askua's hand was tentative, and gentle, so very unlike what he was used to from the fiery girl. So unexpected was the gentleness of the touch that Shinji froze for a few heartbeats. He relaxed as she traced her knuckles up from his cheekbone to his temple. Then she opened her hand, gently caressing his face with her fingertips. She drew her fingers from his temple, running her fingers down to the angle of his jaw, her thumb brushing the side of his chin gently a couple of times. He closed his eyes, savoring the feeling as she did this, then she softly cupped her hand to the left side of his face in her hand.

"Are you real…?" She said in an uncertain, tear stained whisper. "Or are you another dream? Or maybe you're a hallucination this time…?" Her eyes searched his face for some indication one way or the other. "I've had so many dreams..." She reached out with her other hand, caressing the right side of his face with her fingertips like she had the left side, her left hand ending its movement by mirroring the position of her right hand. "So many nightmares... Please tell me… I… I need to know…" Her voice started to break, tears pooling in her eyes, but not falling, and her body shook as her sobs threatened to return. "Do you really care? I... I know I... Didn't really give you any reason to care about a worthless bitch like me..." Shinji stopped her before she could continue, his voice revealing the hurt he felt at her statements.

"I'm real, Asuka… I'm every bit as real as you are..." Shinji whispered softly, reaching up to take her hands in his. He stood, drawing her up with him. Her touch had been electric, and he felt heat on his cheeks where she had touched him as it slowly faded. "I said I care for you, and I mean it! And, please, Asuka, don't say those things about yourself. It... Hurts... To hear you say things like that..." He noticed, as if for the first time, the Asuka's demeanor had changed drastically. She had touched him like she cared, and had not cursed at him or tried to hit him for taking her hands in his. I'm glad she's like this… Even if this is because we're here, in this place, I'm glad that she's being open with me. He thought about this for a moment, before her voice interrupted his train of thought.

"But it's the truth... I am like that, Shinji... I'm a monster, someone who hurts anyone who tries to care about her…" she whispered, staring at her hands in wonder, surprised at how good it felt for Shinji to hold them. I am like that. I don't know why you care for me... I'm so worthless that I can't even make you see that I am what I am... She looked back up, seeing emotions conflicting within his eyes, almost as if he was at war with himself. "What... What's wrong, Shinji?" She asked, a tone of concern clouding her voice, though what remained of her pride fought against it.

He silently let a breath escape through his mouth, frustrated with her comments about herself, and uncertain of how to answer her question. His emotions were, to say the least, in chaos. As he held Asuka's hands, Shinji felt his old feelings towards her, which had dulled since the fifteenth angel, flare up with a vengeance. These emotions were opposed by equally powerful emotions for Kieko Yamada, the young nurse he had met earlier that morning.

He was suffering an almost physical pain from his turmoil over his feelings for the two young women. Why do I have to feel like this now? he asked himself, in an almost self damning manner as he felt the desire to hold Asuka in his arms and take whatever amount of her pain that he could. I've always liked Asuka, a lot, but… I began to lose those feelings when she said she hated me… Why am I feeling it again now, and so suddenly? And Kieko... I've never felt that way about anyone except for Asuka, and even with Asuka, it wasn't so quickly. Shinji stopped himself for a moment, searching his soul for the answers to his questions, feeling that he would never find them. Do I love her? I know that I liked... No, I... I loved Asuka... Maybe I never really stopped… And I feel like that with Kieko, but why? I don't know her that well... I mean, I only just met her, but... I guess I just don't know... He began to stroke his thumbs lightly along the top of Asuka's fingers and knuckles, almost unconsciously, trying to calm his nerves and allay her fears at one time.

Asuka closed her eyes as he did this, her face crumpling, tears forcing their way from behind her tightly closed eyelids. Why do you have to be like this, Shinji? Asuka screamed at him mentally. She tried to do so physically, yet couldn't bring herself to do so. Though her pride, which had built the wall around her true feelings screamed that she was deluding herself, she knew that it felt good, it felt right, to have Shinji so close, to hear him defending her from her own thoughts and fears. Can't you see that I'm not worth the effort? Can't you see that I'm too worthless to waste your time making me feel wanted? Although she still believed her silent argument against his caring, her resolve was being slowly chipped away by her own wish to no longer be alone. There was also something else, something that she couldn't quite feel, as if something within her very soul were trying to help her break down her own barriers. All of her inner turmoil and uncertainty was showing on her face, and though she still tried to hide her feelings from the young man holding her hands, she was slowly failing at it.

Shinji looked around briefly as the tears flowed from Asuka's eyes, not wanting to see Asuka in such pain. He saw that they were now standing on the overlook of Tokyo-3 that Misato had first shown him several months ago. A breeze blew across the overlook, a warm, almost soothing breeze. He was dressed similarly to how he had been that morning. Instead of his black slacks, shoes, and white dress shirt of his school uniform, though, he wore casual khaki colored dress pants, black casual dress shoes, and a light blue dress shirt. As his eyes wandered back to Asuka, he saw that she no longer looked unhealthy and disheveled, but radiant. The luster had been restored to her hair, and her soft, smooth skin had returned to its normal, healthy tone. She was dressed in a sundress similar to the one she had worn when he had first met her. This time she was without a hat, and the entire length of her auburn hair fell freely, without being held in place by the A-10 neural connectors she usually wore. The dress she wore was not the simple yellow of the one he had seen before. It was more form fitting, the bottom of the dress hugging her legs instead of billowing out, accentuating her curves more than the yellow one had, yet doing so without being overly tight. It was colored in two tones of color, a dark teal green on the straps and bosom, and a deep midnight blue towards the hem. Where the colors met, they faded to a lighter shade of each color. The effect was that of drawing a diagonal swath of mingling color from just under her left breast to just over her right hip, which then curved tantalizingly over the hip and up the back the opposite way. This easily brought Shinji's eyes across the area where the colors blended, which is what was intended. A simple pair of dress style sandals completed her outfit.

She looked beautiful, more beautiful than he had ever seen her. He looked up, tearing his eyes away from her body, to look at the full moon, as a new realization struck him. I have to let her know, that I may be seeing Kieko, for more than just lunch, if things work out… If they do, I would like to where any kind of relationship goes, and I think Kieko would, too. I don't want to hurt Asuka even more, but… The way I feel right now, if I don't say something now, I won't be able to tell her later. If I don't tell her, and she comes out of this coma and she does want to start a relationship... It would hurt her worse to tell her that I already have someone when that time came than it would now. I hope that I'm right. I would rather have her wake up because she wants to live, not because I made false promises to her...

Shinji looked down, closing his eyes and sighing slightly, and started to speak. "I… There's something important I have to tell you Asuka..." Before he could say anything more, Asuka tensed, bringing his attention immediately back to her face.

"Shinji, if you're here, in my dreams... How can you be real?" she asked, her voice almost scared. She continued in a hurried manner, the words barely separated enough to make sense, "I mean, you're not like the you I know, you haven't apologized about anything yet, and you seem so... Different than the last time I saw you..." Her face held a combination of fear of the answer, and confusion about his presence in her dreams.

"I... I don't know, not exactly." he said, his voice echoing Asuka's confusion. "I don't know if I'm really any different, maybe it's this place, maybe it's all the things that have happened since you ran away… And, really, I haven't done anything to apologize for, yet..." Asuka almost thought he was trying to joke with his last statement, yet his eyes said he was being perfectly serious. "Anyway, the person who brought me here said she had to speak with both of us about something important, so I know that I'm really here... And I came because I want to help you get over whatever is keeping you here, to help you come out of your coma…"

"I believe that you're real, Shinji." she whispered, still not completely believing it, but wanting to. She turned her hands over to grasp his, holding his hands as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "But even if I didn't, I... I wouldn't care… If you were real. Or a dream... Or even a hallucination…" she paused, biting her lip nervously, as if unsure about speaking further. She saw the look of worry on his face, his deep blue, emotional eyes looking at her and showing real concern for her, and decided to go on. "But since… Since you are real, could you do something?

"What's that?" he asked simply, his voice neutral.

"Well, a couple of things, really…" Asuka whispered, her tone sounding embarrassed as spoke. "Tell me… How… How long have I... Been away, in this coma…"

"Almost a month, Asuka… Section Two found you, and not long after they did, you fell into a coma…" Shinji's voice held a minute amount of the pain he felt telling her that. "What was the other thing you wanted me to do…?"

"Just... Just hold me for a while, please, Shinji?" She couldn't believe what she was saying. Indeed, a small part of her pride, the part that controlled her emotional defenses, that remained tried to stop her from saying even that. A month ago, that request might not have come from her, even if she were on her deathbed. If someone had asked her about Shinji, she would have told them in no uncertain terms that she hated him, no matter what she actually felt. I didn't want to love you Shinji… Everyone I love dies, sooner or later. I didn't want to lose you by loving you… Now, looking at the handsome young man who had haunted many of her waking hours, many of her dreams, and even a few of her most private fantasies, she didn't know how to feel. Why am I like this when it doesn't matter? He couldn't feel anything for me, I'm worthless, right?. He wouldn't care for me like he says… He couldn't… Could he? Seeing the nervous, worried concern in his eyes, she felt that perhaps, just perhaps, she was wrong. She couldn't make any sense of it, of why, or even how, he had come to her here, why he would want to even see her. The only thing she knew for certain was that she needed some kind of human comfort, real or imagined, no matter what her pride tried to tell her. As Shinji nodded at her request, a nervous tingling starting in the pit of her stomach, which spread through her legs and to her shoulders and arms, causing her whole body to tremble. Shinji pulled her to him gently, releasing her hands when she was close enough to embrace. When he released her hands, Asuka pulled her arms to herself, clasping her hands in front of her breasts as Shinji encircled her shoulders with his arms. She was rigid as he did so, as if afraid of his touch, or that he would disappear when his arms were fully around her.

The embrace Shinji gave was almost clumsy at first, as he was not used to being this close to someone, let alone holding someone he had secretly loved for so long in his arms. He was pleasantly surprised to find that her sundress only exposed her back to just below the shoulder blades, as he didn't think he'd ever be able to relax if it had gone too much lower. He adjusted quickly to holding her, however, and the embrace became more relaxed and natural in short order. As he relaxed, Asuka's rigidness subsided, a little bit at a time, as did her trembling, and soon she had relaxed enough to rest her head on his left shoulder. The moment she had done so, she knew he was real. He was real somehow, and he was here, in her dreams, her own personal hell. Shinji felt soft sobs start again, and felt dampness on his chest, as her tears slowly soaked into his shirt. After a time, she stopped sobbing, turning her face to look out over the imaginary illusion of a formerly real cityscape, and sliding her arms around his chest. "I used to dream about this. Being someplace like this, with you holding me like I was important to you." Even though he knew her feelings from the note she had written to Misato, this admission still surprised him, bringing a small, brief smile to his face. "I even bought a dress just like this one, and never let you know about it, just so I could surprise you. That was just after…" She stopped, blushing when she remembered exactly when she had bought the dress.

"That was right after when?" Shinji asked, his tone of voice holding laughter at Asuka's sudden embarrassed silence.

Asuka sighed, a sad smile coming to her face as the memory came to her fully. "Um, do you remember the time we kissed?" She asked, her voice low, almost timid.

"Yea… It was on the anniversary of my mother's death." His tone was tinged with regret, but not as sad as it had once been when mentioning his mother, at least not to Asuka's ears. "It was also a day you went on a date with someone, if I remember correctly. And if I also remember, you left him mid date and came home…?" His tone was only mildly questioning, and held a bit of disapproving amusement in it.

"Well, yes, I did do that…" She closed her eyes for a moment, her face and tone becoming very serious for a moment. "He was being a jerk, so he deserved it." She did not elaborate any further, however her face and tone did soften considerably as she continued. "Well, do you remember how I opened the conversation about kissing?" at Shinji's nod, Asuka continued, a light blush spreading across her face and remaining for a few moments. "I said I wanted to kiss you because I was bored. I… I was lying when I said that… I actually wanted to know what it was like. I'd never kissed a boy before. And what I said about you being there, well that was true, but not in the way I implied… I wanted you to share my first kiss with me at that time… Because a part of me already knew that I never stood a chance with Kaji… I knew that he never stopped loving Misato, I was just scared to admit it… And, well, I… I had other reasons, too. When we did kiss, though, I liked it... I mean I really liked it! I liked it so much that I kinda forgot to unplug your nose…" the admission drew a startled, quiet chuckle fro Shinji,, and he interrupted her briefly.

"I thought you did that because my breathing tickled you?" Shinji said, his tone only half joking. "And you did say it was so bad enough that you had to wash out…"

Asuka interrupted him then, not wanting to relive yet another of the mistakes she felt she had made. "Yea, well, actually I held your nose because I wanted it to be a romantic kiss. I wanted you to have your lips parted just a little bit, so it would feel like, and maybe become a deep kiss, not just a peck, or a quick kiss. Like how first kisses are supposed to be. I just forgot to let go of your nose…" Asuka's voice dropped for a moment, her tone somber and hurt. "And the mouthwash… It wasn't because I hated the kiss… I did like it, like I said… It hurt when the first thing you said was about having air… I was hoping that the kiss was good for you too… And that you said something like that… I wanted to hate you and felt stupid for wanting to hate you because it was my fault your first thoughts were about air and not kissing me. I'm the one who held you nose, after all! When I went into the bathroom I didn't want to like it anymore, and I was trying to stop my lips from tingling!" Shinji chuckled, sounding slightly embarrassed, and Asuka let out a groaning sigh, shaking her head after a moment and laughing softly herself. She pulled away from Shinji's shoulder to look at him face to face, to gaze into his deep cobalt blue eyes. "Anyway, I tried to stop them from tingling, but they didn't stop doing that for a couple days…" she laughed again, at how silly, how childish her thoughts had been at the time. She sighed and shook her head as a thought occurred to her. "I was so damn stupid… You know, if Kaji wouldn't have brought home Misato then, I would have asked you to kiss me again, a little bit later? Evan after all that I said about not liking it, and how I felt at first, because I liked the way it felt that much. I almost did, but I… I couldn't let myself go back on what I'd said to you… I still had my pride then… But if I had, I wouldn't even have held your nose…" She lightly tweaked his nose, causing them both to smile briefly. "I wonder… Would we have had this conversation at that time If Misato and Kaji wouldn't have come along then? I wish I knew… I… I think I would have liked it…" Shinji nodded, but said nothing. "A few days later… After I'd somewhat accepted that Kaji was never mine, and never would be, I bought the dress. Because of that one fumbled kiss I was going to give you a chance…"

Asuka paused then, collecting her thoughts. "Then you beat me in the tests, and I started to lose my synch ratio with Unit-02... I began to become more and more useless... I… I blamed you, and then started to hate you... I was becoming a dirty person, Shinji… A devil just like your friends said I was…" Shinji was more and more shocked as the young woman continued, but he managed, somehow, to keep it from showing on his face. He also did not interrupt her, as he felt it would be very important for her to speak what was on her mind if she were to ever leave this place. "Then the fifteenth came... It... When it... When it defiled me… When it made me a dirtier person than I already was… When it showed me that I was too dirty to deserve anyone to be there for me…" She stopped speaking as the tears began, once again, to flow down her face as she mentioned the angel that had defiled her. The angel had been Arael, the fifteenth, which had raped her mind nearly to the point of death, by dredging up the worst memories of her past and forcing her to remember them, no matter how much it hurt.

Shinji tightened the embrace briefly, barely holding tears of his own back, sorrow crossing his face and pain filling his eyes in reaction to Asuka reliving what was the most painful moment in her life. "Asuka… Sshhh… I'm here for you now… I'm here for you like I should have been then, and I won't leave you… Unless you want me to…" Shinji spoke in a quiet voice, surprised and pleased at how steady his speaking was.

Asuka looked up at him, her face almost in horror, her tears stopping from shock at his statement, a fearful expression crossing her face. "N- No, don't… Don't leave me alone, Shinji, please?"

The tone in her voice was pleading, and she sounded thoroughly frightened at the thought of being alone. It was something he had never heard from Asuka, and it disturbed him. Have you been afraid of being alone all this time, Asuka? Shinji smiled softly at her, the smile tinged with melancholy, his eyes regarding her apologetically. "I only said I'd leave if you wanted me to, Asuka. Since it sounds like you want me here, I won't leave you, not in this place. And if you come out of this coma, I'll always be there for you, Asuka, always!"

His smile turned hopeful as she nodded to him, and it pleased him to know that she wanted him to be here for her. He relaxed his embrace slightly, his left hand remaining loosely around her waist. He hesitantly ran the fingertips of his right hand along the exposed part of her back, from the top of her sundress up to her neck, his fingertips barely touching the skin. Asuka squirmed a little bit, his fingers tickling at first. However, she quickly relaxed, seeming to melt against Shinji at the sensation of his fingertips. She slowly laid her head back onto his left shoulder, a soft, smile taking to her lips. "Hhmmmnn. That feels… Very, very good, Shinji…"

"You know what, Asuka?" he asked, and ironic tint to his voice. She responded with a questioning sigh, which drown out the sorrow he felt at her pain and drawing a pleased smile from him. "I used to imagine the same things, of us being together I mean. Just holding each other, or talking... I know you always called me a pervert, but I didn't think of you like that too often... A few times, I'll admit, I mean, you are one of the most beautiful women in Japan! But not as often as you seemed to think I did…"

Asuka was honestly shocked by this candid statement from him. What happened to the timid, weak little boy I knew before? she asked herself. She didn't know why, but the simple admission, instead of making her angry at him, made her more comfortable. Shouldn't I hate you or something for ever thinking about me like I'm a piece of meat? She closed her eyes again, blushing lightly as she remembered having a few such thoughts about him. She also felt a little bit annoyed as she remembered those times, still having trouble admitting, even to herself, the feelings she had for the boy that was holding her. The two remained companionably silent after that, lost in their own thoughts.

Shinji had no way of knowing how long they stood like that, holding each other, though it didn't really matter to him. Even though it felt like a long time to him, if it was helping the young woman in his arms, he felt that it was worth it. Shinji thought of the unreality of the situation, of him holding Asuka like this, like someone who was supposed to be holding her. As a chill wind swept past them, Asuka snuggled closer to him, and he moved his right arm back with his left, so she would not have to be as chilled. As he did so, he became very aware of how the young woman's body was pressing against him, and how good it felt. He inhaled softly, and realized not only did she look good, and feel good, but that even her scent was more than agreeable. His smile softened as he luxuriated in the unfamiliar, but welcome sensations for a time. Slowly, however, the almost overwhelming sense of urgency to tell her about Kieko returned, and his smile faded. "Asuka…?" Shinji asked softly, hesitantly.

Asuka swallowed, anxiety filling her from the saddened, regretful tone in his voice. "Yes?" she replied, her voice quavering slightly.

"I…" Shinji paused, drawing a breath and putting his thoughts in order. A brief moment later, he slowly let the breath out, and when he spoke again, it was without hesitation. "What I said earlier, about having something to tell you... I have to tell you now; I can't let it wait any longer." His voice held a confidence and certainty that the young woman in his arms had never heard before. She felt her anxiety increase slightly, and she tried to snuggle closer to him.

"OK, tell me, I-... I'm ready..." she whispered, not believing her own words, but hoping that he would believe her.

Shinji nodded, tightening his arms around her a little more as he felt Asuka hugging him tighter. "I met a girl today, when I was coming to visit you… A nurse, here at the hospital… I like her, a lot." he paused, shaking his head a little. "Actually, I think I'm already starting to fall in love with her." he said, his tone ironic as he spoke. He was about to speak again, but was interrupted as Asuka placed her hands on his chest and pushed herself back to look at him. She stared deeply into his eyes, searching for any sign of arrogance or that he was trying to hurt her with what he was saying.

As Asuka gazed at him, she realized two things, the first being that Shinji was telling the truth, and the second that he wasn't being malicious in any way. "Shinji, don't… Not right now, please.. Jus-… Just keep holding me… For now, please…? We'll talk about it later… OK?" Shinji merely nodded, and she leaned back onto his shoulder. Then she broke her own request to Shinji, her need to know overpowering her own desire to forget the pain of what he had told her.

"What's her name, Shinji? Is she pretty?" Her voice was soft, almost a whisper, and she almost hoped that he hadn't heard her statement.

Shinji let himself smile softly at Asuka's contradictory behavior, and shook his head lightly. "Kieko… Kieko Yamada." he said, just as softly as Asuka had. "And yes, she is pretty… Beautiful, actually, as beautiful as you are…"

"I, I'm not…" Asuka paused, and drew a breath to steady herself, Shinji's comment about her being beautiful catching her off guard. "Thank you, Shinji, you didn't have to say that… Nurse Yamada from the ICU wing at the Central Hospital?" At Shinji's murmured conformation, Asuka nodded to herself, knowing the nurse from her own stays in NERV Central Hospital's ICU wing. "You're right, Shinji, she is beautiful… She's very good at her job, and it's not related to Eva, so you don't have to worry about that interfering with your life anymore… You deserve someone like her, Shinji, not a failure like me…"

Shinji shook his head as she derided herself again. "Asuka… You're not a failure… I'm the idiot, remember? I mean, I meet a cute girl that says she likes me and I'm already falling in love with her… Pretty stupid, huh?" His tone at his self-deprecating statement was almost sarcastically jovial as he spoke the words to Asuka that he had spoken to her sleeping form earlier.

"You know what, Shinji? That is pretty stupid... Just as stupid as me when I first met you on that damn U.N. carrier. Even though I tried not to feel that way." She smiled slightly, a small, ironic smile that held almost no humor in it. "You know, I hated you at first, because Eva came so easily to you. But before I'd even shown you my Unit-02, I'd already started to like you, and I didn't know why. You were the antithesis of everything I thought I wanted then. Even so, you were cute. Still are..." Shinji let a slightly startled laugh escape as she said that, drawing an almost playful swat on the chest from Asuka as she laughed too. "Anyway, when I forced you to get into the entry plug, it was because I wanted you close to me..." she blushed slightly as she admitted this, and the defensive part of her personality, the part controlled by the pride she had developed over the years, screamed at her not to let him know her feelings. She was about to give into this urge when, from somewhere deep within her own soul, she felt a surge of strength to ignore that part of herself, and to let Shinji know how she felt. She nodded slightly as she made her decision, and continued her tone even. "It felt good to have you there, you know? Even though I said I hated it. I was scared... I mean, it was my first real battle, right? You... You made me feel better, safer. By the time I moved in with you and Misato, I wanted to hate you because I was already falling in love with you. From that day on I tried even harder to drive you away, to hate me, but you never did. You just kept caring... You saved my life at the volcano, and other times. That angered me even more because I didn't want to feel that I needed you, and I did..." She paused, fighting to remain calm as a sob threatened to burst loose from her, and barely winning against her emotions. "And now, I..."

"And now you...?" Shinji prompted softly, his voice honestly curious.

"Now..." Asuka stopped to take a breath, trying to slow her anger as well as her sadness and regret. "Now that I've let my goddamn pride get in my own way time and time again, I've lost you…" Asuka sighed, then spoke after a moment as Shinji remained silent. "I finally admit to myself that maybe… No, not maybe! I admitted to myself that I do care for you, just like Hikari said I did… Then you come here and tell me that you care, but that you…" She stole a glance at Shinji's troubled, hurt face, then looking back down so he would not know that she had looked at him, trying to hide the glance by snuggling her head a little bit more comfortably on his shoulder. She knew that he had seen her eyes looking into his as she felt him start to run the fingertips his right hand along her back again, and rest his chin gently on her left shoulder. Shinji did not say anything, though. He merely let her talk, hoping all the while to be able to help her in some way. "And you're hurting, too… This is bothering you just as much as it is me. I can see it in your eyes, and you're not even trying to hide that you're hurting just as much as I am, are you?" She pulled her head back to look into his eyes directly, not the surreptitious glance she had done just a moment before.

Shinji sighed lightly, and pulled back from her to look into her eyes. He made sure that he had her attention, and that she was looking into his eyes and not elsewhere. "Asuka, I told you that I wanted to help you get through with this coma… In order to do that, I have to be honest with you, and myself. So I'm not going to lie to you, Asuka. It's the least that I owe you!" His eyes were soft as he spoke, and Asuka could see within them that he was not lying to her.

Asuka slammed her palms into Shinji's chest, grabbing a double handful of his shirt, and closed her eyes tightly. "Damn your eyes, Shinji! Why couldn't you be arrogant about this? Why couldn't you be smug and sure of yourself like so many of the other boys and even men that tried to get me to love them? Why couldn't you be a heartless bastard so I could just hate you? Why couldn't you be more like I always was to you so I didn't love you like I do…" Her own statement hit her like a physical blow, stunning her for several seconds. When she recovered from her stunned state, she felt her regret and grief build, almost to the breaking point. Although some of the emotional pressure had been relieved within her dreams, it was not enough to stem the tide of these emotions. The way these emotions were building was different from the buildup in her dreams. It was as if the wall around her emotions, built by her pride and stubborn will to leave her childhood behind, was like a weak dam filled to bursting; and her emotions were like a river in the spring, filled to overflowing with snowmelt, driving against the dam forcefully, inexorably.

As she gazed at Shinji, she was expecting, and even hoping, to see condemnation, pity, or even contempt in his face at her outburst. She did not see these things, though. He merely looked at her with a pained, regretful expression, and tightened his embrace once again, as if trying to take all of her pain away from her and into himself. "I'm sorry, Asuka." It was the first time he had apologized since he had come to her dreamscape. It was not his normal, instant reaction apology she was used to hearing from him, and it held so much sincerity that only the barest hint of anger crept into Asuka's feelings, which she quickly subdued. When he realized she was not angry with him for apologizing, he continued, his words soft and sincere. "I truly am sorry... I honestly thought you hated me, especially after the fifteenth angel. Now I know that you didn't, and I feel like a fool for not thinking you said that because of what happened. I never said anything, never tried to understand you. I'm starting to now, and... I don't know what happened, to change you from the little girl I saw earlier... But I know that it was something horrible... As horrible for you as it was for me when I saw my mother die."

Asuka looked away from Shinji for a moment, loosening the grip upon the material on the front of his shirt unconsciously before looking back at him. "You saw your mother die, Shinji, when you were that young?" She choked out, her voice clouding with tears.

"Yes… I was only three, but I've finally accepted it, after so long… It hurts, still, but…" Shinji's face was almost serene as he remembered his conversation with Evanna and Asuka's mother Kyouko. That was when it was confirmed that although she had died, Yui Ikari's soul was within the core of Unit-01.

"You're right, about what changed me being horrible, Shinji… It's beyond horrible... I couldn't even remember my mother for who she was before she…" Asuka closed her eyes, gritting her teeth against her rising emotions, and forced out the rest of what she was trying to say. "I… I saw my mother die, too, Shinji… I was six and I still haven't… I can't…" Asuka opened her eyes, looking into his, and was shocked when she saw tears form, and slowly fall. Tears of sorrow. Tears that fell for her. Her voice began to crack, and she was unable to continue without breaking down. I won't break down now, I can't! She drew a deep breath, steadying herself, and was about to speak when Shinji interrupted her.

"And now, with all of this sorrow you've had to live with… Now I've hurt you even more by telling you I've met someone I'm falling in love with." Shinji stopped, knowing what he wanted to say, but fearing the consequences of saying it to her. He weighed both, and chose to let his feeling out, because he may never have the chance again. "I am an idiot, like you always said I was, Asuka... I'm falling in love, no, I… I am in love with another girl, and at the same time, I'm still in love with you, even after all that's happened... I still... I love you…"

As Shinji had continued speaking, Asuka's body had tensed in disbelief. Finally, with those last three heart felt words left Shinji's mouth, the dam holding her emotions almost broke, but her old defenses surged, the pain of being told by Shinji that he loved her when she couldn't have him too much for her almost shattered pride to bear. Shinji tightened his grip on the young woman as she pulled at her now retightened grip on his shirt, as she shook him. "Why? If you love her, Shinji, why do you still love me? Why?" She let go of his shirt, doubling her hands into fists and pounding them several times against his chest. Shinji didn't let go of his embrace, however, and he looked into her hurt, almost accusing eyes without flinching. "Why did you even bother, Shinji? Why didn't you just let me waste away and die, to be forgotten like all useless things? Did you come here to gloat? Or to get back at me for all of the times that I've hurt you?" Shinji let silence reign for a moment, looking at her with pain filled eyes. Asuka struggled in his arms, freeing one of her arms. She glared at him as he held her firmly enough to prevent her other arm from becoming free, but not enough to hurt her. "Answer me!" she screamed at him, grasping his collar for emphasis. Shinji still didn't answer, and she removed her hand from his collar, slamming her open palm across his face. "ANSWER ME, damn you!" She screamed after slapping him, her voice bordering on a shriek.

Shinji took in a deep breath, his face neutral, but still holding a caring look as he spoke to her. He looked back to her, a soft, somewhat embarrassed smile on his face for a moment. "No, Asuka, it wasn't to gloat, or to hurt you. And would you truly have rather had me lie to you?" he asked, his voice gentle, but firm, but taking on a tone of great pain as he continued. "Asuka, I promised you that I wouldn't lie to you anymore, and I won't!" Shinji looked up, his voice going slightly distant as he did so. "I will never lie to you again, no matter what happens!" Shinji looked back to Asuka, losing the pained tone, but still gentle, still firm and unshaken. "That's why I told you that I am in love with Kieko, and that I'm still in love with you! I want you to come back because you want to, not because of some false promise I made to you! Wouldn't you rather have that from me, Asuka?"

"I don't… I…" Asuka closed her eyes, lost in thought for a moment. Would I? She asked herself, uncertain of the answer. I… He has never really lied to me… He wouldn't be the same if he did… He would have changed completely, become like… Like those boys that have tried to make me theirs in the past. He wouldn't be Shinji! Even now, when he's so different, he's still Shinji, he's just… He's like I wanted him to be, how I always hoped he would become… When she looked back to Shinji, fresh tears stung her eyes, but her voice was calm, and almost even. "Yes, Shinji, I'd rather have the truth from you. No matter how much it hurts… No matter… No matter how much… It hurts..." With that, the torrent of emotions that had been building within her shattered through the last wall she had around her emotions. Shinji felt her bring her hands up to her face, and felt a shudder passed through her body. A strangled cry escaped her mouth, which she tried to hold back with gritted teeth. When she was unable to, she stopped trying, and the sobs came, even stronger than before, shaking both of them. Then she then let go, her palms resting flat against his chest, her body sagging against Shinji as her legs buckled. Carefully, he lowered them both to the ground, situating her so that she was sitting with her legs across his lap. Asuka ran her hands around his neck, pulling herself to him tightly, resting her head on his right shoulder now, and burying her face into the crook of his neck. Shinji circled his right arm around her shoulders, to support her, and brought his left hand up to the back of her head, gently running his fingers through her long hair, trying to offer what strength he could. Her sobs and cries wrenched at his soul, as they sounded as if her very soul was being ripped apart.