I Will Always Love You

By: Zarabeth McGregor

Chapter 4: Missing You

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or Gundam Wing; they belong to their respective owners. The song 'Missing You' is copyrighted to Brandy, Tamia, Gladys Knight and Chaka Khan. It can be found on the 'Set It Off' movie soundtrack.

I know I said this was going to be the sequel to the I Will Always Love You series, but I decided to just fit it in as a fourth chapter. Please read and review.

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                  I picked up the CD from its case and ran my hand over the cool, circular surface. I walked over to the radio and put it in the CD deck. Picking up the remote, I put it to the appropriate track.

*Though I'm missing you
(Although I'm missing you)
I'll find a way to get through
(I'll find a way to get through)*

Quite absently, I fingered the white remote's rubber buttons. The movie 'Set It Off' came out ages ago, I know. Rei and I went to watch it. But when I saw the soundtrack in the mall those couple of weeks ago, knowing this song was on it, I had to buy it. I just had to. Biting my lip, I sat down slowly on the couch. My eyes started to burn and a knife lodged itself into my heart, now twisting, slowly.

*Living without you
'Cause you were my sister,

My strength, and my pride
Only God may know why,

Still I will get by*

Rei…the name drifted by fleetingly, but the emotions it brought with it stayed. Losing Rei was like losing a part of myself. Sure, we bantered and dissed each other more than anyone else, but when it came down to it, she was the best friend I ever had. Lord, God, how I missed her. I missed her so bad; I could feel it, taste it. It was like a wet blanket weighting itself on me. No matter how much I tried, how much I fought it, I couldn't get it off, couldn't shake it.

But no matter what, I knew I had to keep living.

*I would've known, that you had to go
But so suddenly, so bad*

My mind drifted back to childhood, you know, the stage when you were bursting with questions, and learning the seeming new, but quite basic, things about our world. Like death and dying.

Mommy, or Daddy, or some other trusted adult would be standing around unsuspectingly, when you go and ask them: "Mommy/Daddy/Granny, why do people die?" You probably get an uncertain look before the smile and answer:

"Because if people don't die, the world would get full, and soon, people will be falling off it." Of course, we giggled trying to imagine people literally falling of the face of the earth. Then, the solemn look. And the most shocking piece of news you thought you could get.

"I will die one of these days. And so will you. Everyone will die. But it's not a bad thing," they say hastily, when they see your shocked expression.  "If you're a good person, you will go to a beautiful place in the clouds, where nothing bad will ever happen to you." You are confused, but as time goes by, you get it. Seeing it on the television everyday, having deaths in your family and your friends' families. You get used to it.

I got used to it, and like everyone else, I learnt about the different ways people could die; naturally and painlessly, inhumanely and painfully. Even taking their own lives. Then, when you keep on hearing, watching and reading about them, you get used to it again.

I guess I knew we all had to go some day, it's just not something I would particularly think about everyday, like the way you'd think about the cute guy down the street, or the new pair of jeans you absolutely must have.

I subconsciously knew Rei would die one of these days, along with everyone else. But as 'used to' her cause of death as I thought I was, it shattered my soul when she did die. In my arms, no less. I was the last person she saw, the last person she spoke to. Her face all stained and her eyes bloodshot and crossed, it will stay with me forever. A bad experience that you know will haunt you for the rest of your life. Her body going limp and cold in my hands. That is something I will live with until my own dying day.

* How could it be,

Not a straight memory

Worthy of all that we had made*

This is the time I guess I should be reminiscing. Going over the memories we had together. I wonder if she thought of us before she died. Hmm. So, I sit here, hugging my pillow to my chest, my vision blurry. They come instantly, all our times together. When we first met, our battles with the Negaverse, studying for our high school exams (I thought I was going to be a dismal failure), our arguments…no correction, Rei dissing me to high heaven and me blubbering over it. Rei consoling me in my break up with Darien, convincing me to resist temptation and forgive him (I'm sure I'd be in prison now if Rei didn't stop me. Seriously, you don't want to know what I had planned for the bastard.), me consoling her in her break up with Chad. She was the one who broke it, and while I'm sure they didn't have a really serious relationship, it did hurt her. Finding out about of her state of mind after the wars…and helping her to supposedly 'conquer' her depression.

                  Yes, my favorite times with her. Harping on and on and on about Heero, until she knew everything about him. Convincing her to go to the beach with me and the others to meet Heero and his friends. Introducing her to Heero and his friends. Introducing her to Wufei…I laugh now, because I had never seen Rei as pissed as she had been that day. If it weren't for the fact that we agreed not to reveal our identities, I'm fairly sure poor Wufei would be in another plane of existence by now. Listening to her harp on about how annoying he is and how much she wanted to wring his neck. Getting together with the other people and trying to hook them up. The death threats and near misses that came with it.

                  The shock, the pure, unmitigated shock of seeing the both of them get up and dance the tango with each other that night at the Latin bar we went to. That was definitely unexpected, no one knew they had hooked up. Yeah…we were good at hooking people up.

                  Seeing her really and truly happy for the first time in her life.

This is sad, really sad. Because even if all of these memories were put together, the emotion and moods they evoked within me combined, it would not come anywhere close to what we shared.

*Now that you're gone, every day I go on (I go on)
But life's just not the same (life's just not the same)*

I try, I really do try to move on with my life. Know that's what she would've wanted us to do. But I can't. I want to but I can't. Mina, Lita and Ami, they were affected by it as well, but they are moving on. They're even smiling and laughing now a days. And they don't even seem to be half as guilty as I am. They don't even seem guilty.

                  Wufei…I don't know who was affected more, me or him. She was my very best friend from since…seems like forever. But to Wufei, she was his soul mate, the air he breathes, his life support. I could tell that the first couple of weeks after her death he was just putting on a show, that he was torn up inside but he didn't want to, or couldn't show it. But now, he honestly seems to have come to terms with it. He seems he is more placid now. I'm glad for him, really. He deserves it.

But it's still not the same without her.

* I'm so empty inside, and my tears I can't hide
But I'll try, I'll try to face the pain*

I'm basically rejecting it now. I think I might still be in the denial stage. I read somewhere that there are four stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, bargaining or questioning the situation's reality, and acceptance. I think I'm still trying to figure this out, questioning the situation's reality.

                  Though I'm feeling numb, I still cry like it happened just yesterday. And once I start, I can't stop until I've either cried myself to sleep, or cried myself hoarse. I want to get away from the pain, I want to forget about it. At least for a few hours. I hold my head.

"God, Serena, no," I mutter to myself. I hate these thoughts. This is exactly what got Rei where she is right now. If it's one thing I'll get from her death is a lesson; never try to block out the pain artificially. It always ends bad.

                  My mind reflects to a conversation I had with Wufei recently. He was so together and with it, while I was struggling to get through the day.

"How do you do it?" I asked, exasperated. That was when I knew he wasn't faking it this time, he didn't seem cold or angry beneath the surface. Anyway, he just shrugged and stared off into space. I thought I forgot my question when he turned to me, his eyes slightly damp.

"Just face the pain. Work it out. Resolve whatever issues you have concerning it. If you're angry over her death, figure out why and come to terms with it." he said quietly. He made it sound so simple, so easy.

But I try, and I'll keep on trying.

*Though I'm missing you
(Although I'm missing you)
I'll find a way to get through
(I'll find a way to get through)
Living without you

'Cause you were my sister,

My strength, and my pride
Only God may know why,

Still I will get by*

I will get by…

*Oh, there was so many things
That we could have shared, uh-huh*

Oh, yes, so many things. Engagements parties, being Maid of Honor at each other's weddings. The joy of knowing we're carry our first child, the Baby Showers. First steps, first birthdays…the stress of the following years. Marriage joys and pains and complaining to each other about them, anniversary parties. Harping on about menopause…had to laugh at that one…growing old together and seeing our children taking their children our to each other's houses. I pressed a fist to my mouth to keep from sobbing out. My eyes were really tearing up now. I blinked back the tears.

*And time was on our side (time was on our side)
Ooh, yeah*

Yes, time did seem to be on our side. We were twenty-two, and we would have had so many years ahead of us. At least we did.

*Now that you're gone, I can still feel you near
So I'll smile, with every tear I cry* 

                  Wait…there is someone here.

"Heero?" I call out. It was dumb, because I knew Heero wouldn't be home for another few hours. I get up from the couch and walk around. "Who's there?" I could hear nor see anyone. Great, I'm going crazy. But I could feel someone. Someone is here. Some one like…

"Rei…?" I call out timidly. I'm not good at the psychic thing like she was, but being a Sailor Scout did have its advantages, like us being able to sense each other. "Rei…?" I call out again. I could feel her. "Please, if it's you, tell me, please!" I shout. I suddenly feel a wave of peace washing over me. I felt so at relaxed and calm. My cheek was feeling damp and a smile crossed my face. I know now I'm gonna be alright.

*Though I'm missing you
(Although I'm missing you)
I'll find a way to get through
(I'll find a way to get through)
Living without you
'Cause you were my sister,

My strength, and my pride
Only God may know why,

Still I will get by*

"I'm going to get by…" I whisper softly. "Thanks, Rei."

* How sweet, were the losses to spare?
But I'll wait for the day
When I'll see you again, see you again, yeah*

I walk to the window and let the sunlight stream in on my face. I am totally at peace now. I'm ready to heal. I'm ready to face the pain and come to terms with it. I'm ready.

*Though I'm missing you
(Although I'm missing you)
I'll find a way to get through
(I'll find a way to get through)
Living without you
'Cause you were my sister,

 My strength, and my pride
Only God may know why,

Still I will get by*

I'm missing you.

Yeah…I'm done! Thank you for being patient. Please review. I once again thank you for your kind reviews.