The Ikari Charm
A Neon Genesis: Evangelion Fanfic written by Marzee for 'In Depth Eva'
Disclaimer
I don't own Eva, well at least not yet. Gainax does so the characters in this fic are not mine, and like most people I just borrow them for a while. Hopefully Gainax won't sue me. If they do they won't get much. The wages of an unemployed 17 year old student in Australia is getting less and less. J
Warning
Also there may be swearing in this fic (of various languages) so I thought I would warn you.
Sex will be implied in this fic but nothing in great detail. I read lemons but I don't write them. So if you are under age please don't read it (or do so at your own risk).
Notes
1) I know this sort of thing has been done before. However I liked the idea and thought I could make it better with my warped sense of humour. Also I have never really read one that was finished
2) This is spoof. Eva is at its best when it's made fun of.
3) (Blah blah blah) means that is not part of the story and just a message or something.
4) Blah blah blah means a comment from Dark Marzee.
Thank You Messages
I'd like to thank Anno for creating Eva and causing the creation of Dark Marzee, who is my evil side built into a small elf like creature who sleeps under my bed in a shoe box and occasionally sits on my shoulder like a parrot.
I'd like to thank all the people who reviewed Version 1.0, 1.1 and 1.2. You were all a great help and I really appreciate it. There were about 14 of you by the time I posted this. Extra thanks go to Jeff Alan who gave me a lot of feedback.
The biggest thanks go to Bene, my prereader. He fixed heaps of things up, including "a bunch of tense-agreement and some wrongly conjugated verbs". Without him this story would have been good, just unreadable. Well sorta. Thanks Bene.
The Ikari CharmChapter 1: Operation Rammstein Briefing
(Version 1.2)
(Lets just say that this fic starts just after the 10th Angel attack, the "I'm going to bomb NERV HQ with my big fat eyeball" Angel and that Shinji turned 15 just after that attack. Now that that is sorted I'll continue, or start)
Shinji Ikari walked down a hallway in the vast underground facility call NERV. He had been summoned by his father and was on his way to see him. Why his father asked to meet him at three in the morning was beyond him. He hadn't seemed to care when it was his birthday any other year. When Shinji arrived at his father's office he knocked on the door.
"Enter," was the only reply to his knocking.
Shinji opened the door and walked inside. The door slid shut automatically. Gendo Ikari sat behind his desk in position #01 (seated with hands connected underneath the chin wearing glasses and emotionless face).
Shinji hated the way his father sat like that. It made him look like he was on the can and thinking about the paperwork he had to do after he finished. Basically, he looked like a retard.
Shinji pushed the thought out of his head and instead focused on the plans he had on smashing his father's car with a baseball bat. All he had to do was buy a baseball bat, find his father's car then wreck havoc. He may even buy some spray paint and write bustard all over the wreaked car.
Shinji walked up to the desk then stood in front of it. He tried not to look scared but being alone with his father, especially when no one else was around and at such an irregular time, was not something he liked to do. While standing there Shinji began to wonder why he had such a big desk but nothing on it. There was never anything on the desk. Did he just sit there all day doing nothing?
"You are now fifteen, correct?" His father asked him.
Shinji nodded. He couldn't figure out why his father would care. So he waited for his father to continue, and then he realised what he meant: by fifteen he would be sexually mature.
'Oh shit he's going to try to ass rape me. I heard that he's a sick fuck but I never imagined this' Shinji thought. He began to look around for a weapon. Something, anything, he could use to beat the shit out of his father. All he could find was the desk and he couldn't lift that.
His father nodded to himself and then reached into his desk to retrieve something. He pulled out a folder and placed in front of Shinji. The words "for your eyes only" appeared on the folder as well as his name and the letters SSFUWTCHWTLUTIC.
Shinji nearly fell over and had to support himself on the desk. When he recovered from the surprise - this very good surprise - he stood up straight and focused on the folder in front of him.
"Um. I know NERV stands for Near Elderly Retard Voyeurs but what does this SSFUWTCHWTLUTIC stand for and what is it? A section of NERV?" Shinji asked his father as he stared at the folder. He couldn't see AR anywhere, which ruled out his ass raping theory.
His father frowned as his son's misinterpretation of what NERV meant. "NERV actually means Never Eat Ritsuko's Vegetables, which is good advice. From what I've heard she cooks worse then Major Katsuragi," Gendo paused to push his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose.
Shinji began to laugh. "Father, I live with Misato. She manages to screw up cooking instant noodles. One time she fed Pen-Pen curry Raman and we had to take him to the vet to get his stomach pumped. And Pen-Pen has eaten a beer can before. It didn't affect him at all".
Gendo's sweat dropped. "I see. Perhaps I shall have to look into changing what NERV means." Gendo looked at Shinji as if trying to see through him. "She nearly killed the penguin with something as simple as curry Raman?"
Shinji nodded. Misato was a terrible cook. Suicide was a better option than eating Misato's meals.
Gendo slowly shook his head. Thinking about it nauseated him. Once he recovered from the queasiness he continued.
"Now for your question. Yes, SSFUWTCHWTLUTIC is a section of NERV, of which only four people know about: myself, Sub-Commander Fuyutski, Agent Kaji and you. It still surprises me that no one has worked out that Agent Kaji seems to do nothing here except drink coffee and try to get into Major Katsuragi's pants, but now that you have reached fifteen his true purpose will soon be fulfilled. SSFUWTCHWTLUTIC, as you may have guessed, stands for 'Stop Shinji Fucking Up With The Chick He Wants To Lay Using The Ikari Charm'".
Shinji sweat dropped at the meaning of the acronym on the front of the folder. "I don't fully understand what you mean father. What does lay mean?" Shinji asked.
All Shinji knew was that chickens laid eggs. What sick, perverted experiment had his father planned to use him for? He was pretty sure that by chick, his father meant a girl. If an anal probe was going to be involved, Shinji didn't want to be.
Gendo nearly fell backwards. "How stupid are you? Living with a nymphomaniac like Major Katsuragi was meant to help you pick up on terms like this. It was the only reason I allowed it to go through". Gendo stopped when he seen the look of confusion was still on Shinji's face. "What?"
Shinji grimaced. "What does nymphomaniac mean?"
Why does this asshole have to use big words to confuse me? It's as if he's taunting me.
Gendo sighed, "This is going to take forever. The Ikari Charm must have skipped a generation". Gendo began to bang his head against the table while muttering something about God forsaking him and trying to ruin his life.
"Can you explain this Ikari Charm thing to me? I don't get it."
Gendo began to consider calling in security to take Shinji to an empty apartment building, torture him, fill the building with explosives, detonating it and then getting the UN to bomb the site with those big rockets they have so Gendo could go back to pretending he didn't a son. He took a deep breath, counted backwards from 10 and begun to explain.
"You see son, the Ikari men have a certain knack for getting what they want. We like to refer to it as The Ikari Charm. All Ikari men have it, although with you there is some doubt. If you don't grow a set of balls in the near future you are never going to get that little redheaded beauty into bed. I have to admit Shinji. If I had a single drop of emotion, was 30 years younger, wasn't part machine and had a fully functioning penis I would have her in the sack quicker then that Maya can change into that little bunny rabbit suit of hers at the mention of a lesbian".
Hmmm. I never knew he was part machine. Perhaps that's why he wasn't a real father, who cost me all my friends.
Shinji began to imagine he was playing in a park with lots of other kids. One of the girls stands up and says that her daddy makes ice cream. All the kids "oh and ah". Then Shinji says "well my dad is part machine. That's much better then your dad making ice cream". Then all the kids start gathering around him asking to be his friend.
Shinji enjoyed his daydream until he began to think about the last part of that sentence. Ha, the sick bastard probably can't even get it up. Probably has to use Viagra Plus or something. This thought brought a smile to Shinji's face.
(All these thoughts occurred in a record time of five seconds)
A chuckle was heard from behind Gendo and Shinji looked up to see Kaji standing behind Gendo, to the left.
"When Katsuragi finally gives into me I'll need to borrow that suit of Maya's. She looks about the same size as Misato." Kaji said as he thought of the parts of the body the suit didn't cover.
Shinji, who previously was very confused, was now even more confused. Why would Maya have a bunny rabbit suit? Is it for a fancy dress party or something?
"Shut up Agent Kaji. It is not your turn to speak and you can whack off over Major Katsuragi in your own time." Gendo turned back to Shinji. "Now with the basics out of the way, it is time to move onto the briefing, Agent Ikari. Your call sign shall be 'Lover Boy'. You will find all the information you need about the other agent's call signs and other information about SSFUWTCHWTLUTIC procedures in the folder. It also contains all the information on the current target, the second child"
At the mention of whacking off over Misato, Shinji began to think about all the times he had done it. He quickly leaned forward. Kaji noticed.
"Fucking pervert," Kaji muttered.
Gendo reached into his desk and pulled out another folder. "This is all the information you need for Operation Rammstein, your first operation in the field. We've made it simple and the chance of success is consequently highly unlikely. However, the missions will become more detailed as we progress and your skills increase. Agent Kaji will now brief you on the mission. Agent Kaji".
"Right, thanks Commander". Kaji begins setting up a projector and a laptop on Gendo's desk. Once he finished he put up one of those big white screens and turned the projector on. Shinji groaned when he seen the image displaying the booting up of Windows 2015 FU Edition.
Kaji turned towards Shinji. "You do realise that Fucked Up Edition is the best and most expensive version of Windows these days".
"What are you talking about? All Windows versions are Fucked Up. All that makes this one special is that they name it correctly. You're paying for the convenience of being able to say that your version of Windows is Fucked Up without getting sued."
"You do realise that NERV is mostly funded by Microsoft. Why do you think it's called NERV? It's not because it stands for Nobody Entertains Russian Vodka. It's because if you go back one letter it makes MDQU, which means Macintosh Doesn't Quite Understand or Microsoft Does Question Users. I can't remember which one they decided on going with."
"I think they canned both and went with Microsoft Delivers Quality Understanding", Gendo interrupted.
"But none of those are true. Well maybe the Macintosh one but who cares about them anyway? This acronym stuff doesn't make any sense," said Shinji.
I suggest that is enough Microsoft bashing for one chapter and that the author shouldn't use up all his material in the first chapter.
"You are stupid, aren't you?" Kaji asked, "Commander, did you drop him on his head as a kid or something?"
Gendo looked out the window. "Ahhhh……. No of course not. I wouldn't do that sort of thing".
"You dropped me as a kid?" Shinji yelled.
"Well your mother had just got out of the shower and…….. well you remember what she looked like. I was so occupied looking at… well……. her that you rolled out of my arms." Gendo said looking away.
Kaji begun to chuckle. "Your wife was a hot one Commander. I don't know how you managed to get her. I wouldn't have minded a piece of her. Was she good in the sack?"
Gendo began to glare at Kaji, who looked like he was about to run away.
"Hey, can I have a chair or something? I never take stuff in very well if I'm standing up" Shinji asked, looking uncomfortable.
Gendo frowned, again. He turned to Kaji. "Agent Kaji, shut up and go get the little sissy boy a chair"
Why is he such a prick? Shinji wondered. Ever since I walked in he's been taunting me. If he was a chick, he could pass for Asuka.
He should have been a girl, Gendo thought. He acts like one as it is. According to Major Katsuragi's reports he acts like the perfect little bitch. He cooks, he cleans, and he even does the laundry. If we cloned him we could sell him on one of those home shopping networks.
Since Windows finally breached the 5 minute boot up mark Kaji was able to go and get the chair and find that Windows had finished booting up by the time he got back. Of course Kaji had used PowerPoint to do his presentation. He opened up the file and begun to focus on Shinji, who had just sat down.
The first slide showed the SSFUWTCHWTLUTIC acronym. Kaji left clicked using his new Microsoft ASPOS (Awesome Sounding Piece Of Shit) Mouse. The screen was then filled with a picture of Asuka. She was wearing her school uniform and her long red hair flowed over her shoulders. Gendo seemed to be drooling.
Fine, let the Microsoft Bashing continue. While on the subject I would like to add my own point. MICROSOFT stands for Major Insurance Company Raping Of Software Owning, Friendly Teenagers. Or if you prefer, Money Inseparable Cockheads Ripping Off Sensitive, Overloaded, Fanatic Teenagers. That's all I've got. Any more would be appreciated at indeptheva@hotmail.com
Major Institutional Corporate Raiders that Often Fizzle Thoroughly – Added by Bene
"Shinji, this is the target," Kaji said, using a pointer. "Her name is Asuka Langley Soryu. She has red hair and blue eyes. She is half German, half Japanese…."
"Kaji, I know all of that. Asuka's a pilot just like me, so I see her all the time, and that's not mentioning that I live with her and go to the same school as her" Shinji interrupted.
"Right". Kaji looked back at the laptop and skipped the next 20 slides of the presentation muttering something about all the time he spent making the perfect presentation. He stopped when he reached a slide displaying the words Operation: Rammstein.
"Operation: Rammstein is based around the fact that Rammstein is Asuka's favourite band. The contents of that folder include the bands history, profiles on the members and the lyrics in both German and Japanese. This should be enough for you to produce satisfactory conversation and therefore form a mutual interest. Also included are some basic German sentences and words so you can begin learning the language".
Shinji put up his hand.
"What?" Kaji asked.
"Is douche bag German?" Shinji asked.
"No. Why?"
"Well, Asuka calls me a douche bag and I don't know what it means"
Kaji and Gendo burst out laughing, which caused Shinji to try to sink into the chair. He didn't bother to ask them what it meant. Obviously it wasn't anything good. When Kaji had recovered he continued with the briefing.
"Every operation will involve Primary and Secondary objectives. You must complete all of the primary objectives to move to the next operation and the secondary objectives are just there for something extra that will help in later operations."
Kaji left clicked again and the objectives of the operation appeared.
Operation: Rammstein
Primary Objectives:
1) Collect 2 Rammstein Collector Edition Boxed Sets from Sub-Command Futuyski
2) Listen to one of the Rammstein Collector Edition Boxed Sets
3) Pick a couple of the songs to be your favourites
4) Locate a shop in which to purchase wrapping paper
5) Wrap one of the Rammstein Collector Edition Boxed Sets
6) Read through lyrics
7) Give the wrapped Rammstein Collector Edition Boxed Set to Asuka
8) Ask Asuka to help you translate the songs
9) Chat with Asuka about Rammstein
Secondary Objectives:
1) Rendezvous with Agent Kaji to install video camera in Misato's room.
2) Install listening device in Katsuragi's Living Room
3) Install listening device in Katsuragi's Kitchen
Shinji stared at the list in disbelief. When he began to read the Secondary Objectives he frowned. "Why do we need a video camera in Misato's Room?" He questioned Kaji.
Kaji seemed to try to fade away.
"Yes Agent Kaji. Why is that one of the objectives?" Gendo inquired. "Remove it at once".
"Yes sir".
"Fucking pervert," Gendo muttered.
Once Kaji had removed the objective the briefing continued.
"Father, I still don't understand what this is about" Shinji whined.
"You want to engage in sexual relations with the second child, do you not?"
Shinji had never really thought about it that much. When he began to think about how good Asuka looked, and how she was heaps better then all the other girls, he knew that she would be good but that she would never do it with someone like him. He then considered saying that he wasn't certain of how to engage in sexual relations correctly but decided that he had been laughed at enough for one day.
"Well, I guess that would be enjoyable, but I don't understand why you are helping me. I didn't think dads normally tried to help their sons have sex."
"Shinji, do you really have the brains or the balls to get the second child into bed?"
Shinji didn't reply. Instead he looked down at his feet.
"Exactly. Ikari men always get what they want with women. It's in our blood. If Agent Kaji here was an Ikari he would have no problem bedding Major Katsuragi. And since you lack the required ability to get what you want I must come to your aid. If an Ikari didn't get what he wanted, it would be a disaster. You must not fail."
"But father, I have never seen you use the Ikari charm. I doubt you've been with a woman in 10 years".
Gendo smirked and pressed a button on his desk.
"Yes sir. What is it?" Ritsuko's voice came out of a hidden speaker.
"I am stressed. I need your help to relieve it." Gendo replied.
"Yes sir".
Within 2 minutes Ritsuko appeared through a side door wearing a bunny suit. She walked over a stood by Gendo's desk.
Shinji was shocked. The suit Ritsuko was wearing covered her entire body except her face, her breasts and between her legs. Shinji began to drool as he stared at the latter 2 of the exposed parts.
Ritsuko looked over at Shinji. "Shinji, you're staring".
Oh shit! I've been spotted! Look away! Shinji continued staring. He was very much intrigued. Look away. He just kept staring
"SHINJI" Ritsuko yelled, "stop staring at me".
Shinji turned bright red; of course this red would be more red then Asuka's hair. He turned back towards his father. He continued staring out of the corner of his eye.
"Fucking pervert," Ritsuko muttered.
"Now if you'll leave us. Shinji, you have a week to complete your job for me. I expect a full report when you have finished. You are dismissed". Gendo handed the two folders to Shinji.
Shinji turned to look at Kaji and realised he was no longer there. Neither was the laptop or the projector. Shinji wanted to know how he left so quickly but decided that he didn't want to see what Ritsuko could do in her bunny suit, well not with his father anyway; so he quickly walked out of the room and closed the door.
He leaned on the door thinking. From within the office he could hear Ritsuko moaning. He quickly jumped away from the door.
"Yeah, that's it. Keep rubbing it like that". He heard his father say.
"Fucking pervert," Shinji muttered.
He began to walk towards Fuyutski's office. He hoped Sub-Commander Fuyutski would be a bit more understanding and give him the answers to at least some of the questions whizzing around in his head.
*****
Authors Notes
*****
Version History –
Version 1.0 – the original but not the best. Length: approximately 1900 words.
Version 1.1 – More words, more jokes, more fun and, of course, more insults. Added some of Shinji's thoughts as well. Length: approximately 3235 words.
Version 1.2 – Mainly fixing up typos and some grammar, this really should have been done in 1.1. Length: approximately 3322.
Version 1.3 – Was preread and is heaps better then those preceding it. Likely to stay like this for a while.
Once again, thanx to all those who reviewed versions 1.0, 1.1 and 1.2.
As well as Bene my prereader.
Later.
Marzee
indeptheva@hotmail.com
