Disclaimer: I don not have any association with JK Rowling or Warner Bros.

Authors Note: I was completely out of it when I wrote this. There's only one time when I think toilet humour is funny and this is indicative of it. I wrote it at 1:00 am. It's funny what your mind does at that time!

Remus Lupin sat on a toilet in Hogwarts, a bundle of parchment was being balanced on his lap as he poised a quill over the stack. Remus bit his lip, concentrating on finding the most fabulous and wonderful fan fiction ever written in the magical world. As he brushed his brown hair from hanging past his grey eyes he moved his knees so he'll have an a stable position to write the marvellous fan fiction, as he gently lowered his goose feather quill down to his page, a deafening knock shocked him. His knees sprang apart and he dropped his quill into the depths of the toilet, with dismay, he discovered that his sheets of parchment with the fragments of fiction on were floating hazily down at the bottom of the toilet. As Remus roughly wiped his backside and pulled down his robe, his train of thought was once more interrupted by a knock. This time accompanied by an impatient voice.

"Get out of there! I need to go!" Severus Snape's voice rung from the other side of the door, sounding desperate and strangely high pitched. Remus looked ill mannered as he flushed the toilet trying to shred all evidence that he'd been writing fan fiction stories on the toilet. After Remus' fifth attempt at trying to flush down the parchment and other -er- things, he was angry to find that parchment had an needless tendency to float on water.

"Get OUT!" Severus screamed, a heavy thud was heard again as Remus recoiled from the door. It seemed as if Severus tried to body slam down the door.

"Oh hush up!, I'm coming!" Remus shouted back, trying to tidy up his hair in the mirror and washing his hands, still fuming over his lost quill and parchment that floated upon the toilet. Finally Remus threw the door open to see Severus clutching his crotch. Remus was roughly pushed aside by Snape who slammed the door behind him. A strange tinkling was heard soon after and Remus decidedly thought it was better not to hang around for more, so he retreated to the staffroom, where a hearty fire burnt. Remus sunk himself into a large comfortable plush chair where he closed his eyes, anxious to get inspiration for his fan fiction considering his latest one was now being soiled by Severus Snape. After three minutes of un-inspirational dirty thoughts about Sabrina the teenage witch (Oh Remus you naughty naughty wolf) Remus decided, that to prevent loss of his job, he'll do some marking. Remus reached into his shabby briefcase and rustled among the papers from his third year class. He furrowed his forehead and bit the end of his old duck feather quill as he ticked and crossed through the varying qualities of work. He commented on those that were exceptionally well done (Hermione) and made helpful suggestions and wrote good try (in other words, good try but you were still off the mark by a long shot) to others that didn't make the grade. When he'd finished reading over Ron Weasley's explanation of how Grindylows attack and kill small fish, Remus heard the staffroom toilet flush and then the door creak open. Soon after, Severus was standing over him positively glowing with menace, in his rubber gloves hands (I'm making this as hygienic as I can) a few sheets of wet parchment dripped. Severus held one piece up in front of Remus and shook it furiously so drops of toilet water sprayed onto Remus' face. Severus seemed oblivious to Remus' unamused expression as Remus wiped his face. A slight curl in his lip showed that Severus was hiding a smile.

"So..." Severus begun, his ebony eyes glinting with calculating malice. "You've been writing fairy tales again"

Remus gave a small gasp, he couldn't believe it. It was simply implausible, did Snape put his hands down a toilet just to embarrass him? Remus' eyes wandered down to Severus' rubber gloves and wondered where he'd ever gotten. Remus nodded shamefully at Severus who sneered.

"It seems the time you've spent with muggles have rubbed off on you" Severus murmured. Remus knew what he was implying to, Remus had been moving in and out of muggle households before coming to Hogwarts, and in these houses he'd gotten a very strange obsession to the world of anime television and internet. Remus had gotten addicted to a television animation and though he thought its plot was rubbish, he still watched it routinely until a landlord of his once kicked him out of a house for adorning the walls with posters of his favourite character. Though this in itself wasn't remotely strange, the posters weren't of Sabrina the Teenage Witch now any other big busted women, but the posters were disturbingly pictures of a certain purple haired male. After he was evicted, Remus found himself in a household that was connected to the internet. After a year experimenting with how to actually get to a website, Remus found himself at fanfiction.net Finally, little Remus decided to write his own plots to his favourite TV show, and he posted them. But unfortunately, Remus received no reviews except for one that was quite rude. Stating that Remus was untalented and lacked originality, plus he couldn't spell for nothing and that he should go back to the planet he came from. It also had a nasty post script saying that Remus' was an ugly git with a recessive hairline. After that single review, Remus was discouraged and vowed that next time he wrote a story, it would safely be a wonderful one. Unfortunately for Remus, the story that he intended to be the best in the world was now being read out loud by Snape, who paused after every line and chortled to himself, casting darks looks at Remus.

"...so the handsome man entitled Rumes was striding carefully along the track where he met an equally charming man called Trunks. The man, flicked his purple hair and smiled.."

Remus cringed, Severus smiled mumbling something suspiciously like 'handsome boy man my ass'. Severus was ready to reveal Remus' torturous secret, Remus was ready to break down and cry, it wasn't of course his fault that he admired Dragonball Z!

*Dun...DUH*

Next time: Severus reads more on Remus' (or shall we call him Rumes?) perfect fan fiction. Remus has a seizure, but it's alright. The author knows how to resuscitate Remus. (Muahahah...)