Celebrity Death Match-Tortallan Style

Cast of Characters:

Alanna the non-slut: Co-host
Thayet the ditz: Co-host
Lord Wyldon: no words...contestant in first match
Professor Snape: no words...contestant in first match
Lord Voldemort: Evil, gay wizard...contestant in second match
Duke Roger: Evil, gay sorceror...contestant in second match
George: Hot baron...contestant in third match
Jonathan: Hot king...contestant in third match


(Intro music)

Alanna: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Tortallan version of Celebrity Death
Match! We're trying to kick MTV's ass in ratings here!

Thayet: Tonight, we've got some good match-ups. First off, there's Lord Wyldon, the
knight training master for the Royal Palace vs. Professor Snape, the evil potions
master from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in England!

Alanna: Umm, Thayet, we're running on a time slot here! We've only got a half hour.
I know you want to give a little biography on each person, but we really don't have
time.

Thayet: Hey, shut up, you slut!

Alanna: I'm not a slut! At least I don't sleep around behind my husband's back with
his friends!

Thayet: No, just his enemies.

Alanna: Sorry, hun, that's *your* job. I know all about....

(Lights flash. In the ring stands Wyldon.)

Wyldon: Great Mithros, he can't even be on time! Where's my fucking opponent?

Alanna (looking hopeful): Hey, if Snape doesn't show, I'll take him on!

(Snape glides in on his broomstick.)

Snape: Sorry, I had to try and get Potter expelled. Took a while, but that crackpot
who belongs in a nursing home won't budge unless I win this match! Dumbledore's got
the little weasel in his office. They're watching TTV to see who wins.

Alanna (under her breath): Shit, I can't beat the crap outta Wyldon.

Ref: Let's get it on!

Snape: Your mamma!

Wyldon (drawing his sword): Huh? What about my mother?

Snape (raising his broomstick): You heard me...your mamma!

Wyldon (whacks Snape's arm off): Black God, this won't take long!

Snape (knock's Wyldon's leg off): That hurt, you ugly bastard! Your mamma!

Wyldon (cuts off Snape's other arm): Well, your mamma!

Snape (kicking Wyldon's other leg off): Did you just diss me?

Wyldon: Where'd you learn that?

Snape: Obi-Wan has taught me well.

Wyldon (dying): Who the fuck is Obi-Wan?

(dies)

Snape (dying): I won, dammit! Now Potter is expelled!

(dies)

Alanna: Well, I see we had no outcome of that match....

Thayet (gazing off into the distance): If you're happy and you know it clap your
hands!

(claps hands)

Alanna (hitting Thayet with her shield): Yo, wake up! Anyway, our next match will
hopefully have a better end, with at least a victor.

(Roger comes in, dancing to "Dirty Pop." Voldy comes in from the other side, walking
like Michael Caine in "Miss Congeniality," when he's showing Sandra Bullock how to
walk like a lady.)

Ref: Let's get it on!

Roger: Before we begin, I'd like to set the record straight. My name is Joey Fatone,
I'm not gay, because my girlfriend just had a baby named Brianne (sp?), and that I am
going to win, despite the fact that I didn't win the popular vote, but I did get the
Electoral College.

Voldy: *I* wanted a recount. But did anyone listen to me? No, they just *had* to
elect that illiterate jackass Best Villian.

Roger (pulls out wizard's rod): Prepare to die, Sore Loserman!

Voldy (pulls out wand): Wrong election, genius!

Roger (knocks off Voldy's hand, then sings like Aaron Carter): And that's how I beat
Si-Cham! And I'm gonna do it again!

Voldy (sticks wand into Roger): You're just a loser, get over it!

(Roger dies. He's carried off by Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass and Chris
Kirkpatrick, who are singing "This I Promise You")

Voldy (dancing): I didn't even have to use Avada Kedavra! Hahahahahahaha, I win again.
Now, Snape, it's time for us to conquer the world!

(dances out of ring)

Thayet: Well, that was interesting...I thought Joey would win.

Alanna: You ditz! His name is Roger. Only an idiot wouldn't get that! Dammit, Thayet,
you're stupid. He just wants to be in *NSYNC cause they get into clubs free and don't
have to pay for drinks at bars.

Thayet (pouting): Shut up.

Alanna: Now, for this match, we're supposed to be impartial, but I just want to add that
Jonathan is gonna lose.

Thayet: Yeah right, George is going DOWN!

Alanna: You wish.

(George enters the ring. The crowd goes wild. Jon enters. Everyone is silent.)

Jon: Fine, when I win, I'll have all of you beheaded!

George: Sure, Jon, in your dreams.

Jon: Hey, I'm the King of Tortall!

George: And that means *what* to me?

Jon (drawing sword): It should mean a lot! I am.....

George (drawing sword): You know, Jon, no one gives a shit. Ok, so, why don't you just
shut up?

(cuts off Jon's ear)

Jon: Oww, that hurted!

George: All the education that money can buy and you can't even use correct English? What
the fuck is your problem?

Jon: At least my wife's not a slut.

George: She's not. But I could tell you stories about Thayet that would make your hair
curl. That might look cute on you!

Jon: Stop mocking me!

George: I think I have to end this poor excuse for a Celebrity Death Match now, because
this is really a waste of my time.

(cuts off Jonathan's head)

Alanna (stands up and cheers): Yeah! See, Thayet, Jon sucks.

Thayet (jumps up and down): I'm single, I'm single, I'm single.......

A/N: And so ends this mockery! LOL...I have to do some legal crap, so just hang on a
second.

Disclaimer: All the TP people belong to Tamora Pierce, all of the HP people belong to J.K.
Rowling and Warner Bros. I think that's all! Oh yeah, Celebrity Death Match was created
by MTV, but TTV belongs to me! I think I'll use it some more. Maybe for a TRL parody...