Celebrity Death Match-Tortallan Style
Cast of Characters:
Alanna the non-slut: Co-host
Thayet the ditz: Co-host
Lord Wyldon: no words...contestant in first match
Professor Snape: no words...contestant in first match
Lord Voldemort: Evil, gay wizard...contestant in second match
Duke Roger: Evil, gay sorceror...contestant in second match
George: Hot baron...contestant in third match
Jonathan: Hot king...contestant in third match
(Intro music)
Alanna: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Tortallan version of Celebrity Death
Match! We're trying to kick MTV's ass in ratings here!
Thayet: Tonight, we've got some good match-ups. First off, there's Lord Wyldon, the
knight training master for the Royal Palace vs. Professor Snape, the evil potions
master from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in England!
Alanna: Umm, Thayet, we're running on a time slot here! We've only got a half hour.
I know you want to give a little biography on each person, but we really don't have
time.
Thayet: Hey, shut up, you slut!
Alanna: I'm not a slut! At least I don't sleep around behind my husband's back with
his friends!
Thayet: No, just his enemies.
Alanna: Sorry, hun, that's *your* job. I know all about....
(Lights flash. In the ring stands Wyldon.)
Wyldon: Great Mithros, he can't even be on time! Where's my fucking opponent?
Alanna (looking hopeful): Hey, if Snape doesn't show, I'll take him on!
(Snape glides in on his broomstick.)
Snape: Sorry, I had to try and get Potter expelled. Took a while, but that crackpot
who belongs in a nursing home won't budge unless I win this match! Dumbledore's got
the little weasel in his office. They're watching TTV to see who wins.
Alanna (under her breath): Shit, I can't beat the crap outta Wyldon.
Ref: Let's get it on!
Snape: Your mamma!
Wyldon (drawing his sword): Huh? What about my mother?
Snape (raising his broomstick): You heard me...your mamma!
Wyldon (whacks Snape's arm off): Black God, this won't take long!
Snape (knock's Wyldon's leg off): That hurt, you ugly bastard! Your mamma!
Wyldon (cuts off Snape's other arm): Well, your mamma!
Snape (kicking Wyldon's other leg off): Did you just diss me?
Wyldon: Where'd you learn that?
Snape: Obi-Wan has taught me well.
Wyldon (dying): Who the fuck is Obi-Wan?
(dies)
Snape (dying): I won, dammit! Now Potter is expelled!
(dies)
Alanna: Well, I see we had no outcome of that match....
Thayet (gazing off into the distance): If you're happy and you know it clap your
hands!
(claps hands)
Alanna (hitting Thayet with her shield): Yo, wake up! Anyway, our next match will
hopefully have a better end, with at least a victor.
(Roger comes in, dancing to "Dirty Pop." Voldy comes in from the other side, walking
like Michael Caine in "Miss Congeniality," when he's showing Sandra Bullock how to
walk like a lady.)
Ref: Let's get it on!
Roger: Before we begin, I'd like to set the record straight. My name is Joey Fatone,
I'm not gay, because my girlfriend just had a baby named Brianne (sp?), and that I am
going to win, despite the fact that I didn't win the popular vote, but I did get the
Electoral College.
Voldy: *I* wanted a recount. But did anyone listen to me? No, they just *had* to
elect that illiterate jackass Best Villian.
Roger (pulls out wizard's rod): Prepare to die, Sore Loserman!
Voldy (pulls out wand): Wrong election, genius!
Roger (knocks off Voldy's hand, then sings like Aaron Carter): And that's how I beat
Si-Cham! And I'm gonna do it again!
Voldy (sticks wand into Roger): You're just a loser, get over it!
(Roger dies. He's carried off by Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass and Chris
Kirkpatrick, who are singing "This I Promise You")
Voldy (dancing): I didn't even have to use Avada Kedavra! Hahahahahahaha, I win again.
Now, Snape, it's time for us to conquer the world!
(dances out of ring)
Thayet: Well, that was interesting...I thought Joey would win.
Alanna: You ditz! His name is Roger. Only an idiot wouldn't get that! Dammit, Thayet,
you're stupid. He just wants to be in *NSYNC cause they get into clubs free and don't
have to pay for drinks at bars.
Thayet (pouting): Shut up.
Alanna: Now, for this match, we're supposed to be impartial, but I just want to add that
Jonathan is gonna lose.
Thayet: Yeah right, George is going DOWN!
Alanna: You wish.
(George enters the ring. The crowd goes wild. Jon enters. Everyone is silent.)
Jon: Fine, when I win, I'll have all of you beheaded!
George: Sure, Jon, in your dreams.
Jon: Hey, I'm the King of Tortall!
George: And that means *what* to me?
Jon (drawing sword): It should mean a lot! I am.....
George (drawing sword): You know, Jon, no one gives a shit. Ok, so, why don't you just
shut up?
(cuts off Jon's ear)
Jon: Oww, that hurted!
George: All the education that money can buy and you can't even use correct English? What
the fuck is your problem?
Jon: At least my wife's not a slut.
George: She's not. But I could tell you stories about Thayet that would make your hair
curl. That might look cute on you!
Jon: Stop mocking me!
George: I think I have to end this poor excuse for a Celebrity Death Match now, because
this is really a waste of my time.
(cuts off Jonathan's head)
Alanna (stands up and cheers): Yeah! See, Thayet, Jon sucks.
Thayet (jumps up and down): I'm single, I'm single, I'm single.......
A/N: And so ends this mockery! LOL...I have to do some legal crap, so just hang on a
second.
Disclaimer: All the TP people belong to Tamora Pierce, all of the HP people belong to J.K.
Rowling and Warner Bros. I think that's all! Oh yeah, Celebrity Death Match was created
by MTV, but TTV belongs to me! I think I'll use it some more. Maybe for a TRL parody...
Cast of Characters:
Alanna the non-slut: Co-host
Thayet the ditz: Co-host
Lord Wyldon: no words...contestant in first match
Professor Snape: no words...contestant in first match
Lord Voldemort: Evil, gay wizard...contestant in second match
Duke Roger: Evil, gay sorceror...contestant in second match
George: Hot baron...contestant in third match
Jonathan: Hot king...contestant in third match
(Intro music)
Alanna: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Tortallan version of Celebrity Death
Match! We're trying to kick MTV's ass in ratings here!
Thayet: Tonight, we've got some good match-ups. First off, there's Lord Wyldon, the
knight training master for the Royal Palace vs. Professor Snape, the evil potions
master from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in England!
Alanna: Umm, Thayet, we're running on a time slot here! We've only got a half hour.
I know you want to give a little biography on each person, but we really don't have
time.
Thayet: Hey, shut up, you slut!
Alanna: I'm not a slut! At least I don't sleep around behind my husband's back with
his friends!
Thayet: No, just his enemies.
Alanna: Sorry, hun, that's *your* job. I know all about....
(Lights flash. In the ring stands Wyldon.)
Wyldon: Great Mithros, he can't even be on time! Where's my fucking opponent?
Alanna (looking hopeful): Hey, if Snape doesn't show, I'll take him on!
(Snape glides in on his broomstick.)
Snape: Sorry, I had to try and get Potter expelled. Took a while, but that crackpot
who belongs in a nursing home won't budge unless I win this match! Dumbledore's got
the little weasel in his office. They're watching TTV to see who wins.
Alanna (under her breath): Shit, I can't beat the crap outta Wyldon.
Ref: Let's get it on!
Snape: Your mamma!
Wyldon (drawing his sword): Huh? What about my mother?
Snape (raising his broomstick): You heard me...your mamma!
Wyldon (whacks Snape's arm off): Black God, this won't take long!
Snape (knock's Wyldon's leg off): That hurt, you ugly bastard! Your mamma!
Wyldon (cuts off Snape's other arm): Well, your mamma!
Snape (kicking Wyldon's other leg off): Did you just diss me?
Wyldon: Where'd you learn that?
Snape: Obi-Wan has taught me well.
Wyldon (dying): Who the fuck is Obi-Wan?
(dies)
Snape (dying): I won, dammit! Now Potter is expelled!
(dies)
Alanna: Well, I see we had no outcome of that match....
Thayet (gazing off into the distance): If you're happy and you know it clap your
hands!
(claps hands)
Alanna (hitting Thayet with her shield): Yo, wake up! Anyway, our next match will
hopefully have a better end, with at least a victor.
(Roger comes in, dancing to "Dirty Pop." Voldy comes in from the other side, walking
like Michael Caine in "Miss Congeniality," when he's showing Sandra Bullock how to
walk like a lady.)
Ref: Let's get it on!
Roger: Before we begin, I'd like to set the record straight. My name is Joey Fatone,
I'm not gay, because my girlfriend just had a baby named Brianne (sp?), and that I am
going to win, despite the fact that I didn't win the popular vote, but I did get the
Electoral College.
Voldy: *I* wanted a recount. But did anyone listen to me? No, they just *had* to
elect that illiterate jackass Best Villian.
Roger (pulls out wizard's rod): Prepare to die, Sore Loserman!
Voldy (pulls out wand): Wrong election, genius!
Roger (knocks off Voldy's hand, then sings like Aaron Carter): And that's how I beat
Si-Cham! And I'm gonna do it again!
Voldy (sticks wand into Roger): You're just a loser, get over it!
(Roger dies. He's carried off by Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass and Chris
Kirkpatrick, who are singing "This I Promise You")
Voldy (dancing): I didn't even have to use Avada Kedavra! Hahahahahahaha, I win again.
Now, Snape, it's time for us to conquer the world!
(dances out of ring)
Thayet: Well, that was interesting...I thought Joey would win.
Alanna: You ditz! His name is Roger. Only an idiot wouldn't get that! Dammit, Thayet,
you're stupid. He just wants to be in *NSYNC cause they get into clubs free and don't
have to pay for drinks at bars.
Thayet (pouting): Shut up.
Alanna: Now, for this match, we're supposed to be impartial, but I just want to add that
Jonathan is gonna lose.
Thayet: Yeah right, George is going DOWN!
Alanna: You wish.
(George enters the ring. The crowd goes wild. Jon enters. Everyone is silent.)
Jon: Fine, when I win, I'll have all of you beheaded!
George: Sure, Jon, in your dreams.
Jon: Hey, I'm the King of Tortall!
George: And that means *what* to me?
Jon (drawing sword): It should mean a lot! I am.....
George (drawing sword): You know, Jon, no one gives a shit. Ok, so, why don't you just
shut up?
(cuts off Jon's ear)
Jon: Oww, that hurted!
George: All the education that money can buy and you can't even use correct English? What
the fuck is your problem?
Jon: At least my wife's not a slut.
George: She's not. But I could tell you stories about Thayet that would make your hair
curl. That might look cute on you!
Jon: Stop mocking me!
George: I think I have to end this poor excuse for a Celebrity Death Match now, because
this is really a waste of my time.
(cuts off Jonathan's head)
Alanna (stands up and cheers): Yeah! See, Thayet, Jon sucks.
Thayet (jumps up and down): I'm single, I'm single, I'm single.......
A/N: And so ends this mockery! LOL...I have to do some legal crap, so just hang on a
second.
Disclaimer: All the TP people belong to Tamora Pierce, all of the HP people belong to J.K.
Rowling and Warner Bros. I think that's all! Oh yeah, Celebrity Death Match was created
by MTV, but TTV belongs to me! I think I'll use it some more. Maybe for a TRL parody...
