Celebrity Death Match-Tortallan Style: Episode 2
Cast of Characters:
Alanna the Lioness: co-host
Thayet the Peerless: co-host
Delia of Eldorne: lady at Tortallan court, contestant in first match
Josiane of the Copper Isles: princess, contestant in first match
Neal of Queenscove: Tortallan knight, contestant in second match
Harry Potter: young wizard, contestant in second match
Joren of Stone Mountain: Tortallan squire, contestant in third match
Draco Malfoy: young wizard, contestant in third match
(Intro…music, titles, etc.)
Alanna: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style! I'm your co-host, Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau!
Thayet: Hey, y'all! I'm your other co-host, Queen Thayet of Tortall! We have a great lineup for you tonight! However, we are kinda running on a timeframe, so let's get on with the matches!
Alanna: Our first match is a battle of the sluts, Lady Delia of Eldorne vs. Princess Josiane of the Copper Isles! And here they are!
(Delia enters the ring, wearing a short green leather minidress with matching go-go boots. Josiane enters the opposite side, clad in blue hotpants, a silver halter, and blue and silver heels. The crowd catcalls)
Ref: Ok, I want a good clean fight from both of you. (Sticks whistle in his mouth) Let's get it on! (blows whistle)
(Josiane lunges at Delia, who sidesteps her)
Delia: Crazy ho, is that the best you can do? (unsheathes two daggers) Bring it on, byatch!
Alanna: Hey, where did you learn that?
Delia: You weren't the only one sleeping with George, you know!
Alanna (standing up and drawing sword): How dare you?!?!?!
Josiane: Uhm, excuse me, I believe that this is my fight!
Alanna (sitting down): Oops, sorry…
Josiane (claws Delia): Take that, you slut!
(Blood rushes down Delia's face)
Delia: You ruined me, you ho! What's Jonathan gonna think now? What am I going to tell my grandchildren?
Josiane: Jonathan's mine, slut!
Thayet: Wrong, Jonathan is mine.
Delia and Josiane: Shut up, whore!
Thayet (sitting back down): Sorry, sorry…Horse Lords, you both need lessons on anger management!
Delia (turning back to Josiane): You ruined my face, bitch, now you're gonna pay!
(Delia throws both daggers at Josiane)
Josiane: This isn't the last you'll hear from me, whore!
(Josiane dies)
Delia: I won! I won! (stops chanting) But my face is ruined! (sobs)
(Guards drag Delia out of the ring, crying hysterically)
Alanna: Ooooo-kay…moving on…
Thayet: Our next match is between those green-eyed hotties y'all love to love! Please welcome Mr. Harry Potter and Sir Nealan of Queenscove!
(crowd erupts into shrieks of lovestruck females of around the age of 12-15. Harry and Neal enter the ring, on opposite sides)
Ref: Ok, I want a good clean fight! Let's get it on!
Harry: Show me the love, ladies! I'm not feeling it!
Neal: Oh, shut up, you British prig-faced ninny!
Harry (pulling out wand): What did you call me, you wanker?
Neal (pulling out sword): You heard me, whelk boy!
(Harry jumps at Neal, Neal dodges in the other direction)
Neal: It would do you a little good to have lessons from a Shang!
Harry: What in the name of pantyhose is a Shang?
Alanna: What're pantyhose?
Harry: You're wearing it! Besides, why are you being so damn obnoxious? Stay out of the fights!
Alanna (pouts): Ok, fine.
Neal: Listen, broomstick boy, bring it on!
Harry: Ah, shove your lance up your arse, you wet weed!
(Neal punches straight through Harry…blood and guts galore)
Neal: Oh, disgusting! You're ruining my best tunic! Get away from me!
(Harry chases a squealing Neal gleefully around the ring, spreading his nasty insides everywhere)
Neal: Stop it! I'm telling my daddy!
Harry (sticking out tongue): Oh, God, you wuss! You're nothing but a pansy wearing pantyhose!
Neal: How dare you insult my hose!
(Neal chops Harry's head off with sword)
Neal: I won! Oh, I won! Goodness, wow! I won!
(Neal dances out of the ring)
Alanna: Well, I still don't get what pantyhose are, but…
Thayet: Well, that's because you're a numbskull…pantyhose are hose! Tights! You know, what you're wearing!
Alanna (looking down at hose): Well, why do they call them pantyhose, then? Why isn't it just hose?
Thayet (exasperated): Gods, Alanna, I don't know! I don't think it matters! Anyway, our third and final match is the battle of the Ice Queens…oops, sorry, Ice Princes, Draco Malfoy and Joren of Stone Mountain!
(Draco and Joren enter the ring, both acknowledging the screaming girls trying to get past the security guards)
Ref: I want a good, clean fight! Let's get it on!
Joren: Oh, I see it's another one of my clones. Gods, when will you learn that I am the only ice prince?
Draco: As if! My father…
Joren (drawing sword): Your father? What? What'll he do? Ooooh, I'm scared now. Go running to Daddy, Draco! My father is a lord! Beat that!
Draco (pulling out want): Oh please! I'm a Malfoy! And besides, I'm the hottest person at Hogwarts, male or female! Those girls out there would die for me!
Joren: Oh, gods, Draco…please. I mean, you can't even bully Potter properly. Perhaps you should take a lesson or two from me!
Draco: What, and end up dead?!?! I think not! I'll just wait till Book 7, where I can have my final revenge on Potter. I mean, you got killed off in the second to last book. Couldn't you at least have held out till Lady Knight?
Joren: Don't you dare insult me, you fool! I'll make you pay!
(Joren runs his sword through Draco at the same time Draco runs his wand through Joren)
Draco: Damn. I was supposed to catch you off guard!
(Joren pulls out the wand)
Joren: Tis but a scratch!
Draco: You know what, I'm sick of this match. I really want to go and try and cheat that Mudblood Hermione Granger out of the top seat in our class!
(Draco takes Joren's sword and cuts off Joren's hair)
Joren: NO! No, anything but the hair! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Draco: Oh my God, it's just hair, it'll grow back!
Joren: Yes, but unevenly!
(Joren holds up a dagger)
Joren: Tis a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done before.
(Joren stabs himself and dies)
Draco: Yesssss! I won!
(Draco struts out of the ring)
Alanna: Uhm, ok…I think that's the first time anyone's ever committed suicide on the show, but uh…
Thayet: Odd. Hmmm, ok, well, join us next time on Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style!
(A/N: You guys tell me who you wanna see next in your reviews…that's the only way I'll write another chapter of this mockery.)
