Remote Revenge

"You should be finished by now." The teacher looked up from butchering a paper with red ink. "Now, to complete your potion you must use the preservation charm we went over last week." Snape stood and looked around the room. Most students had a Lavender potion before them simmering away. Longbottom's was billowing red smoke, but he chose to ignore it. He had decided no action was best with that insufferable idiot.

A moment later there was a loud bang. Finnigan sighed as his desk burst into flames. "Stand back, me dad sent me this to put it out." He pulled a mini fire extinguisher from his bag and pulled the pin before pitching it headlong at the flames. He jammed his fingers in his ears and winced as several students dove for cover. The metal clanged loudly on the edge of the desk.

"Honestly Seamus!" Hermione picked it up from it's final destination on the floor near her desk. She pointed the nozel at the fire and squeezed the lever. White fluff covered the desk and snuffed out the blaze. "Have you never heard of instructions?"

"More to the point, have you ever heard of speech therapy?" Snape was looming before the young man. "If you ever managed to say a spell properly it may just work for you. Clean up this mess. Twenty points from Gryffindor for being good for nothing, stupid, incapable, and talentless dunderhead."

"You can't do that!" Weasley protested.

"And a detention for you and your friends." He said coolly. "Granger, Potter, Longbottom, Finnigan, you can join Mister Weasley in dusting the library by hand after classes end. This is all you will be doing in your free time until the library is spotless. Everyone is to bottle their potion and leave. HURRY UP!"



Snape stalked darkly up the dark corridors. "Peppermint Humbugs." The words uttered were so riddled with contempt that they were un recognise able as the password and he was forced to repeat himself through clenched teeth. Finally the statue saw fit to give him admittance. He ascended to Dumbledore's office with a slouching posture he would have normally taken points off of a student for having.

"Albus, I am..." His usually tall and proud figure was absent from the chair behind the desk. He glanced around the room but found only Fawkes who looked at him in an infuriatingly knowing manner.

Turning his back on the Phoenix he searched Dumbledore's desk, checking for clues as to his whereabouts. The normal stationary, self inking emerald green quill, and a jar of muggle Jelly beans were all that were sitting there as normal, every thing...aside for a long slender black box. The kind that gave him a tick in his eyebrow.

The grey and red buttoned person changer sat beckoning to him. Dark eyes glitter with maniacal pleasure. The head master wouldn't mind him giving Potter and Wealey some lessons in humility and respect. He probably had set it up for him to find, in that little way he does.

As he reasoned to himself the charmed Muggle artifact found its way into the pocket of his robes. He left, feeling imencely calmer and almost had a smile twinging at the corner of his mouth as Hufflepuffs scattered when he walked down the hall to his private chambers.

Oh he would wait until he had them together. Public humiliation...Yes...

Harry and Draco got into it over something Snape could not have cared less about when he lost his patience. Whipping out the controller he pushed a button and the sight had been amazing. The childish fight turned into something beyond his understanding.

Draco caught the look Snape was giving him. He yelped something that sounded Zoiks, what ever that meant, and leapt into Harry's arms. Harry took off running out the door and Hermione and Ron had chased after them.

Snape came after them.

"Ruto Raggy Rape's afer us!" Harry looked at Draco with wide eyes.

"Like Zoiks. Let's make a run for it Scoob." He turned and ran, Harry following on all fours. The famous boy who lived tripped on his robes and the two went crashing into the wall. It opened upon impact and they disappeared in to the darkness.

"Jinkies." Hermione piped up. "A secret passage."

"Hermione, are you OK?" Ron frowned. "He got you too, didn't he?"

"Come on Fred, I bet this leads to Dumbledore's office."

"Oh goodie." Ron followed quickly before Snape could catch up with him. "I'm Ron though. Fred's my brother..."

Well as it turned out it didn't lead to Dumbledore's office. It led to the trophy room were Snape was waiting to pry them apart and get Malfoy back to his normal obnoxiousness. Unfortunately he and Potter were clinging together tighter then those couples he chased out of the rose bushes at the proms.

He shrugged and clicked the remote. Disturbing as it was, it became more so and nearly funny as they, Ron now included, began running around saying things like "Lala" "Po!" "Group hug!" and other such nauseating things. It was also odd that their robes had changed to purple, red, green, and yellow...But perhaps it was the fact that Draco was carrying a purse that disturbed him the most.

He quickly beamed in another personality. "Captain, I've ne'er seen the likes of it. Where are we?"

"I...Don't know--Scotty. Per-hap-s WE are on, anothER plan-it." Draco began speaking like he was having trouble thinking, but had he been a Muggle he would have known William Shatner's speech anywhere.

"Captain, I suggest we set our phasers to stun for it is a logical assumption that we will run into life forms that might be hostile." Hermione informed them, taking out her wand. Her ears were pointy?

"THA-nk you...SPoc-k." Draco sounded more bored then normal. "Chekhov, Sulu, keep YO-ur eyes...peeled."

"Captain, vhere do ve go first?" Harry asked. "This passage looks wery velcoming."

"Boring." Snape clicked the button again.

Hermione put her wand away and looked at Harry with big mooning eyes. "John!"

"Marsha!" He clasp his hands over hers.

"John!"

"Marsha...Come, run away with me to the Bahamas and we will get married on the beach." He was looking cheesily intense.

"John, I can not...I love another!" She pulled away. "While you were at work I met someone." She pulled Ron over.

"Julio? The pool boy! I thought it was weird that he was coming around in December." He frowned to himself.

"I'm sorry John, but it's over!" She kissed Ron passionately, Snape's jaw hit the floor. This was new.

"It's been over for a long time Marsha. All those long hours at work weren't spent filing paperwork, it was spent with my boss Tom." Draco sauntered up and slipped an arm around his waist.

"I knew you were in the closet!"

"I never did it in the closet." Harry replied saucally before kissing Draco intimately.

This wasn't good. Snape mashed the button.

"Good bye John."

"Aren't you gone yet Marsha?" He looked at Hermione annoidly.

"Stop it!" Snape punched another button frantically.

There was no response besides more necking on Draco and Harry's part and Hermione walking off with Ron's hand on her butt. He was shaking it, Dumbledore wouldn't like this. "Work damn it."

"Sir, your batteries are dead." Seamus came walking down the hall. "Hum, always wondered what they really had between them. Here, take these." He fished in his bag and pulled out two copper tops.

It took two minutes longer then he would have enjoyed to get the battery things into the back of the remote and toss away the old ones. When he turned back to where the two boys had been they were gone. "Crap..."

He dashed down the hall and noticed students filing into the great hall. The four stood in the middle of the sea of students fighting about who-cares-what. With out thinking he pointed and his finger came down on the little pad.

Suddenly the room erupted in chaos. Lee Jordan stood up in the middle of the table and began calling things out loudly. "Step right up, step right up! See the most curious things on earth! Rare double headed double bodied twins. A brain with a girl's body. The worlds stupidest lackies! A colossal find!" He gestured to the twins, Hermione, and Draco's friends.

He mashed the button again and someone yelled food fight... Mashed potato and gravy dripping from his nose and cranberry sauce splattered in his hair he stared at the Head master. Peas bounced off his chest. "Oh dear..." Even MacGonagall was participating. He had no idea if this was going to get worse as he pushed the buttons.

Harry and Draco were busy gaging and spitting as soon as the curse was lifted. "Severus, I suggest you explain yourself this instant." McGonagall gave him her best "You are dead" face.

"Um..." He stood silently thinking of something to say. "April fools!"

~THE END~