Calculated Assault

Dumbledore thought it was a hilarious April first prank...Though Snape figured he was roped into it in one of Albus's little subtle ways. Draco and Harry had ceased even acknowledging each other's existences which made for a dull but more controlled class.

That class, but unfortunately he was in the midst of teaching another with Weasley double trouble. They were sitting in the back corner whispering conspiringly. "Misters Weasley and Weasley, do you have something to share with the rest of the class?"

"No sir!" Perfectly chimed in unison.

"Then get back to work." He glowered.


"I saw Hermione had something like that Changer thing. Can you imagine her holding out on us?" Fred whispered to George. They were practically useless through out class, but since that was by no means abnormal for them Snape only had a slight unease as he watched them fumble through.

"Let's go get it!" George raced his twin to the tower and tossed his books on his bed. The two of them raced out of the room, down the steps, and to Hermione who was sitting by the fire doing Arithmancy.

"Hullo!" The boys spoke together.

"What are you two up to?" Hermione was seldom approached by the two of them.

"Your remote, can we see it?" George asked politely.

"I don't have one and I would not give it to you if I did!" She looked remarkably like McGonagall when she frowned like that.

"Well, thanks Herm, we'll be off now." Fred began inching away.

"But we haven't..." George began to protest, then changed his mind. "Right, we've got that thing." And they both dashed off, leaving Hermione with a puzzled expression.

"Wait a minute, my calculator!" She stood up abruptly, showering the floor with papers and a disgruntled ginger cat. "Sorry Crookshanks!" She called over her shoulder as she raced after the boys out of the common room through the painting of the fat lady who was calling after the boys to close her back.

"Stop running!" She heard Professor Snape hiss and Professor McGonagall screech up ahead.

Snape's voice continued in a truly horrific neritive. "Hello, I'm Jerry and today on my show we will meet Harry, who just for breathing is worshiped the world over. In this exclusive interview we will meet with him, his all ways present friends and his tough-talking stripper/dominatrix bastard half sister, Millicent Bulstrode. James' wife had a secret desire to be controlled...Find out her fantasy boyfriend after this commercial brake."

Even before Snape shut his mouth McGonagall had gone off as well. "Welcome to Ophra, today's show focuses on incredible stories of forgiveness. Could you forgive the person who attacked you and left you to die? More importantly could you forgive them if you were their lover? After surviving some of the most terrifying crimes, these astounding few found ways to forgive. While others sadly take it to the grave. Join me in a journey of forgiveness and healing."

"Oh God Fred, change them and fast!" George demanded as Hermione came around the corner. They didn't notice her for the suit of armor shielding her from view until it was too late.

"Give me that back, this will only cause more trouble!" Hermione grabbed for the calculator. After a brief struggle they are all wearing mini-skirted sailor costumes in various colors.

Peeves was unlucky enough to pick that moment to appear. McGonagall was wearing a red fuku and heals. "There's that ghost, let's get him! MARS FIRE IGNIGHT!" She shot a bolt of flames at Peeves from her wand.

Hermione was wearing light blue. "It didn't seem to have any effect...I'll make a screen while you, Jupiter and you, Venus try." She spoke to George, then Fred respectively. "Mercury bubbles blast!"

"Venus love chain smash!" Fred sent a chain of hearts at the confused poltergeist, accidently stepping on the remote.

His brother began speaking in Japanese. "Jupiter Oak Evolution!"

"Sailor Moon, haiyaku!" Hermione squealed.

"Hai!" Snape nodded in an incredibly high voice. His hairy, slightly bowed legs stuck out unsightly from the navy skirt and thigh high red boots. "Moon tiara stardust!"

Peeves sneezed himself inside out and fell through the floor. "Yata!" George cheered. Then he kicked the remote as he started to walk over and congratulate Snape... "Homer, I'm freaking out here man, where are we?"

Snape looked around and shrugged. "Idono, I'm hungry."

"Homer you just ate." McGonagall frowned at him. "Bart, stop poking that suit of armer." She frowned at George who was nearly bitten by the visor snapping shut suddenly. His yelp was drowned out by Hermione.

"Mom, Maggie's lost her passifier." Fred was crawling around on the floor looking for something.

"Well, help her look for it." McGonagall suggested. "Your father and I are going to look for help. Stay here."

"Marge, I don't want to go." Snape whined as she dragged him down the coradore.

"Dude, what's this?" George snatched the calculator from Fred who had just found it in a dusty corner. "Awe man, it's just a dumb old calculator." He tossed it on the ground.

"Love, you want me to take this one?" Fred got up slowly from the floor, looking predatory. He had gone bleach blond and black leather wearing.

"Nah, I've got it Spike." Hermione was holding her wand awe fully funny. "This vampire looks kind of weak." She lunged at George.

He screamed and ran. "MOOOOOOOMMMMM, Lisa's turned into a homicidal maniac!"

"That's nice dear. Help her find Maggie's passy." In a truly mother tone McGonagall nodded absently.

"Oh lucky us, a whole family of vamps. Looks like a free for all baby." Fred grinned, also holding his wand awkwardly.

Meanwhile...Harry and Ron were supposed to meet up with Hermione, but she hadn't been there, her things were everywhere and the painting hung open.

They were trying to decide which way to go and then they heard George scream.

Hearts pounding they ran down the hall. Ron spotted it first. "A remote, big trouble!"

"But that's not..." Harry frowned. Knowing the twins they probably had decided it was one. "We'd better hurry. Let's go." He palmed the remote and thundered off after the yelling.

"Better try it on one first." Ron suggested so Harry singled out Hermione who was trying to stab George while Fred was pinning him.

Hermione went limp wristed and began to talk strangely. "OK then we will patina the wand with a nice green. Then won't that be nice? Umhum! It's easy, and remember YOU CAN DO IT! I'm Christopher Lowell, that's all the time we have for today. Bye-bye!"

"Well, that's better I guess..." Ron shrugged.

"OK, then I'll do McGonagall." Harry pointed it at her and pushed divide.

"Ricky, what's going on here?" McGonagall cramped on Snape's arm.

"Marge?" He looked at her in confusion.

"Ricky Ricardo! Who's this Marge?" McGonagall jabbed a finger in Snape's chest.

"My wife." Snape shrugged.

"You're having an affair aren't you? Whaaannnnn!" She began to cry. "You've forgotten all about your sweet caring loving wife LUCY!" She continued to sob.

"Just do them all!" Ron was ready to rip his ears off at the horrible noises she was making.

"Today on trading spaces we have a Potions Master who's room is a little to formal for his guest's comfort and a Transfiguration Expert who lacks fashion sense. Now let's get to it." Hermione chirped as Fred and Snape went running off in one direction and George and McGonagall in the other.

"Just great, who do we stop first?" Harry sighed.

"Hermione." Ron pointed at the girl who was lagging behind.

"What took you so long?" What did they expect as her first words, thanks? She snatched her calculator away. "Now, this is a bit more complicated then before, we changed languages and had more then one show at a time."

"We can't just stand here, do you think Snape will let us live if his office is turned pink?" Ron made his characteristic panic face.

"And I thought exams were going to kill me." Harry frowned.

"Honestly, Fred and George are going to be done in for this stunt, not you."

Girl genius began walking towards McGonagall's office. She walked in to find there were Snape was hot glueing Styrofoam packing popcorn to the walls and Fred was painting them gold. The trimmings in the room were all hot pink feather boa... "Finite Incatatem!" Hermione flicked her wand. Nothing happened. "Ahem Finite Incatatem!!!" Still Snape was gluing away.

"I guess this is a little different then before." Harry spoke the very obvious. "Just start pushing buttons."

"Great..." She started with equal. Snape dropped the hot glue gun and lunged at Fred.

Fred took off running, tossing random objects at Snape as he went. "Good, they are back to normal." Ron smiled.

"I don't think so...Fred's gone yellow."

"He's a chicken alright."

"No, canary yellow...Sylvester and Tweedy Bird? Dear God, he's biting your brother on the leg..." Hermione went white.

"Um, I know, hit the off button!" Harry snapped his fingers.

"That's stupid!" Hermione protested.

"It's logical." Harry retorted.

"Fine!" She pushed the little red square and Snape stopped, clamped a hand over his mouth and went running to the men's wash room gagging.

"Agh! I've got rabies!" Fred howled.

"Serves you right." Hermione glowered at him. "You two help him to the hospital wing and I'll go check on McGonagall and George." She set off. As it turned out, Snape had reason to be ill. The ceiling was enchanted to be the full noon day sun twenty four hours a day and there was a wall covered in 3-D igloo sculptures and the rest were un-melting snow. His own sunny meat locker with a full chandelier of 57 crystals.


~THE END~