The tears didn't end there. My father had told me the half-truth.
Only after I calmed down, my mother made Dad tell me the truth.
"Yesterday morning, when our town fell to the Hussars, several of their squads marched up to our farmhouse. Jay was with us at that time, teaching Joseph physics. I told them to hide in the barn, and I prepared to fight them off. But your mother stopped me. She cried so hard when she thought I was going to kill myself defending them." Dad appeared saddened at the memory. He licked his lips, and continued.
"They finally found us in the barn. Initially they wanted to round us up and drag us into town to be made prisoners. Then one of them noticed Jay, and wanted to get fresh with her. A few more wanted to join him."
My eyes widened, but my mother's hands soothed my anger away.
"Suddenly one of their squad leaders beat them back. He argued with them, threatened them with court martial. He managed to stop them, saved Jay."
I
let out a sigh of relief. But the sad look was still on my father's face.
"What's wrong, then?"
"The squad leader was Paul."
The name was familiar to me, but I couldn't place it there and then.
"Don't you remember him? I can't blame you. Paul was Jay's first boyfriend, Gregory."
Then only I remembered. My relationship with Jay had only been two years old, but she had previously been with Paul since childhood. I did ask her before why she broke up with him, but she only replied that she left him after he started to show solid support for Katrina Steiner. She said she didn't want anything to do with politics, and it galled her that her love would be so enthralled by it that he even forgot her sometimes. I had stepped in then, enthralled by her, and soothed her hurt feelings. One thing led to another, and soon I was the new envy of the town. Initially Paul vented his anger by joining the Hussars, but he wasn't angry at me. He knew he was wrong to have treated Jay that way, but he refused to jeopardise my relationship by making amends with her.
But after we'd been going out for more than a year or so, Jay started to show signs of disappointment in me. She would throw small tantrums when I couldn't go with her for walks in the forest, or when I didn't have time to see her home after her weekly tutorship with my brother Joseph. Our relationship started to grow foul very slowly, but I struggled to maintain a strong façade ……
I heard the rumour first from my friend Irene. She told me that Jay had been seen with Paul again, though they weren't being intimate. I was suspicious, but not willing to believe Irene. Other friends told me of other instances as well, but I couldn't do much. I was starting to get busy with my new life as a recruit at the militia. With each rumour, I plunged deeper into my training, refusing to believe them. I still went out dating with Jay, and we enjoyed ourselves but as time was short I seldom had much time with her. Jay didn't seem to mind so much anymore, which I took to be a positive sign of progress.
I was dead wrong.
My father continued.
"When your unit destroyed their command post at the field, Paul got away and ran to our farmhouse. I wanted to shoot him there and then …. But your mother protected him. He did save Jay after all. But very soon our militia soldiers came by, wanting to give us assistance and looking for escaped Hussars."
"I'm sorry dear …. I didn't know Jay still loved Paul so much," Mom suddenly said between sobs.
"Huh?"
Dad frowned and continued his story.
"Jay offered herself to be his hostage. The militia couldn't do anything. Paul and her got on to their jeep and took off for the forest, leaving the militia soldiers on foot."
I sank back against the pillows. I did not know whether to weep or laugh. In spite of everything it was I who had destroyed that command post. And I who let Paul rob Jay's heart back from me.
The fire had long ago consumed the letters, dying in the process, and my vision was blurred by my tears. Even the drizzle had started again. I used my hand to wipe away my tears again. I looked out and saw the not-so-distant town of Jabbar, and the field where I fought on more than a week ago. I got up from my seat, took the ashes and walked off the veranda. A sudden wave of anger coursed through me, and with a loud yell I threw the box, ashes and all, into the flooded paddy fields around my house.
Feeling slightly better at venting my anger on the box, I stood there for a while, feeling the raindrops on my face and skin. The rain seemed to soothe my feelings.
Paul and Jay have not been found, and would probably never be found for many years to come. At the least it would give me time to finish grieving. It is presumed that they succeeded in getting away in disguise on some off-planet transport, maybe with some other Hussar troops. I knew better. They were probably lying low in some other town now, waiting for the right time to leave. The starport was too heavily guarded now, and Paul was a wanted man.
Personally, I couldn't hate both of them. As much as I want to, I couldn't hate them. I had been the one who initially forced open the rift in their relationship anyway. That Paul didn't hate me was an amazing thing, and so I had to extend the same courtesy to him. Jay? Well, how could I bring myself to hate my first love? I looked up at the sky, letting the light rain patter my face. This time, I let my tears fall freely. I would cry one last time and then get on with my life.
"Though it rains,
I won't get wet.
I'll use your love
For an umbrella."
– Japanese Folk Song
