Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of FFVIII.


I'm afraid. I know it sounds crazy but I am sitting here, watching someone I should never be afraid of or even avoid. Actually I'm really hiding, making sure that he can't see me. Hyne knows what he'll do if he knew that I'm spying on his private time!

I know I shouldn't be watching him now but I can't help it. Spying on him has been the only way for me to calm my urges down. I want to talk to him, to play with him, to hug him like how a father hugs a child. I want to be there for him. But he won't let me and I guess I can't say much against it. It is my fault after all.

So I resort to being an undercover agent. Target: Squall Leonhart. Mission: Learn more about him. Success: Nil.

This is ridiculous! I shouldn't be doing this! Not to my own son! I should be down there with him, telling him all about his mother. Raine…I wish you were still alive.

Damn myself! I need to get over this! Not over her, of course. Over her…her leaving. I can't mope around forever, wishing for the impossible to happen. Like Squall ever forgiving me…

I look up and realize that Squall had already left. Night had already fallen and I was still sitting at my hiding spot, thinking of the craziest things. Kiros and Ward are going to kill me if I don't hurry. Ah what the heck! I'm the President so I'll just take my own sweet time. Yeah! I'll tell them that if they even so much as open their mouths for another lecture. About time I showed them who calls the shots! Oh wait, they always do. Damn!

Before I knew it, I was already standing by Raine's gravestone. Looking at it still made my heart bleed but I've stopped shedding any tears long ago. When I first received the news, I had done nothing but that. Then an emptiness took hold of me and I found that I could not cry anymore. Not even now. I can only sit down and talk to her just as if she was next to me. Ever since I visited her grave that first time after Time Compression, I would talk to Raine or her spirit. Perhaps blindly hoping that she was still somewhere, listening to me like she always did. Hyne, I never deserved her and I still don't!

I bent over to look at the stone, trying to stop the guilt from washing over me again. Then I saw it.

My heart stopped beating.


"Laguna, how many times do I have to tell you that the knives are set NEXT to the soup spoon and the dessert silverware on TOP of the plate?!"

"Sorry, Raine."

"No, no, NO! Put the napkins ON the plate not below it. How do you expect people to see them if their underneath the plates?"

"Err…"

"Laguna, just go out of the dining room and get some white roses from Mrs. Lacey. You're just getting in the way here."

"Okay but why can't we just cut some from your own roses?"

"Because, Laguna, you'll only end up destroying them and I'm trying to enter them in next month's Flower Competition! So just go and find Mrs. Lacey!"

"All right! All right!"

"…here you are Raine, with Mrs. Lacey's compliments. She said that you can go see her tomorrow morning if you want to visit."

"Thank you, Laguna. Did you greet her respectfully and ask about her leg?"

"Yes, I did."

"Good. She's old and needs a little attention now and then. She told me she likes you, you know?"

"She's about the only person in this town who does other than you and Elle. If I drop dead right here and am buried in a grave, they'll probably be spitting blood on my grave."

"Laguna!"

"Sorry."


The memory of our conversation came back to me as clear as the waters in Balamb. Only now it wasn't my grave, it was hers.

Who could have done this? Why? Why desecrate her grave and her name? Strictly speaking, it wasn't her real name. It was mine. Mine.

Is that it? Is that why there's blood on her gravestone? Because someone hated me so much that they'll even try to erase my name from it? Oh Hyne!

I fell to my knees and my hands searched for something, anything to wipe the dried blood away. Then for some reason, my hands stopped. Slowly, I looked at the blood again and tried to see the name that it covered. I stood up again and closed my eyes, trying to remember how it looked like without the blood. But I couldn't. Everytime I saw the stone, I would see the blood dripping from it.

It was a message sent to me and I knew what it meant. I was blamed for her death. I was blamed for bringing more curses than blessings to the people around me. The message that my name was unworthy for her hit me hard and set itself deep into my heart. I opened my mouth to address the unseen spirits that seem to be surrounding me in the dark.

I do not deserve to be known as her husband or the father of her child. I could not protect the both of them as was my duty. So now I renounce myself as Laguna Loire, husband to Raine Loire and father to Squall Leonhart. I am merely President Loire of Esthar who has no past and no family.

I turned my back to walk away, feeling a sensation in my eyes that I have not felt since that first time seventeen years ago.


Notes: Just wanted to say thanks to Persephone who helped me with the HTML tags, ensuring that everyone can enjoy Regrets of the Father in its full glory. ;)