Disclaimer: The characters of Final Fantasy VIII belong to Squaresoft.
It's amazing how so much can change in so little a time. I know it's close to two decades but to me, it seems just like yesterday. The last time I was here, it wasn't as the Prodigal Son returning home. I was the Adventure Seeker, wandering from place to place to eke out my living. And to quench the longing in me to travel.
I've come back again now but I am still not the returning son and I no longer seeking adventure. Instead I search for the nostalgic recollections of a past that seems so long ago. I look for a hint of my past that once seemed to have a future so different from what I have now. I am looking for signs of my first but not true, home.
A shiver suddenly ran down my spine. I pulled my coat closer to me, trying to warm my freezing bones. But was I cold or was I afraid to face my past?
I shook my head violently. I wish I could blame that sudden burst of…of…crazy thoughts on insanity. Still, I couldn't shake the eerie feeling off my back. I wanted to turn and run, back to Esthar and never come back again. After all, it would be easier to forget my past than to remember it with the pile of never ending work that I should be attending to now.
But, no. I shook my head again. I have to do this. I have to take back the memories that I abandoned so long ago. Only I have the right to do this, being the only one left alive to remember and cherish them.
I forced my feet to walk. Left then right. Left then right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Almost instinctively or from force of habit, I lifted my head to look at the sign I knew would be there. I have seen it so often that I could read it with my eyes closed.
Welcome to Deling City, Capital of The Nation of Galbadia.
I've always loved change and hated routine with a vengeance. That is why I love traveling so much. To see different places, to observe different societies, to taste different customs. But I never wanted my own home to change. I wanted them to stay the same so that when I came back, it would be as if I have never left.
But Winhill was an exception. It had not changed and so the memories remained. Painful, bittersweet memories that still break my heart every time I think of them. Maybe that's why I'm here in Deling and not in Winhill. I wanted to remember a life before Raine. A life when I was young and idealistic. A life when I was free from any burdens of love…
I glanced around me, mentally cataloging the changes. Where darkness and thievery reigned, glaring streetlamps shone down. Pavements that were once cracked and worn from the tread of footsteps were replaced with unfamiliar tarred roads. Benches which once offered trysting couples peace and privacy now offered noise and publicity. Trees that had acted as cooling shades for anyone to shelter under were either uprooted or trimmed so much that a flagpole could have given more protection. Shops where warm friendly people greeted you now hosted unfriendly salesgirls that glared at you when you left without so much as making a purchase. Even the people have changed. Young people either stared unabashedly at you or totally ignored your presence. The adults hurried by, too busy to even scrutinize their fellow passer-bys. This wasn't the Deling I knew and I missed it although I had never loved it as my home.
Standing at the crossroads in front of the railway station, I was unsure of where to go. Nothing in this city felt inviting. Only two things have not changed. The Presidential Palace and Caraway's Mansion. I suppose they felt the same way I do, that some things should not change no matter how much time has passed.
I decided to just walk. Walk on until something turns up. Something will turn up. It has to. I don't want to return, yet. The note I left on my desk will stop Kiros and Ward and Ellone from sending out the entire Estharian army for me. But it was also secretive of where I was going. I will return tomorrow, after I have found what I'm looking for.
I was so immersed in my thoughts that I had not realized that I had stopped walking. I looked around me to see if my surroundings were familiar. Nothing registered until I looked up.
Galbadia Ritz Hotel.
Fate must be leading my footsteps. I drew in a breath then exhaled slowly. My hands reached for the door and my feet led me in.
"Yes sir, may I help you?"
My eyes darted about nervously. The woman in front of me reminded me so much of the same one nearly eighteen years ago. Then, she had been amused at my nervousness and I don't blame her. I must have looked like an idiot, like how I look now.
"Um…do you have a room?"
"Yes sir, we do. Would you like a single room or a suite?" Her manner and tone was nothing but professional yet I somehow felt like she was laughing silently at me.
"I..err…is there….that is," I paused, wondering if I should ask the question that's been preying on my mind since I arrived in Galbadia.
"Yes?" Now I know she is mocking me.
"Is room 715 still available?" I blurted out. With a huge effort, I managed to stop my hand from covering my mouth. I really don't want to make the situation worse than it already is.
She lifted an eyebrow at me, making me squirm uncomfortably. "Yes it is although it'll cost you another hundred gil to stay there."
I nodded. I had expected it after all.
"Here's your key. We can send your luggage up to your room first if you like." She was regarding me with curiosity now. A little suspicious too.
"No, that's okay. I'll take them up myself. T-thanks for the room. It's rather personal to me." I felt a jolt of pain shoot up my right leg and I reached down to clutch at the muscle. Trying to straighten up, I limped away.
As I hobbled away, my ears caught the receptionist muttering to herself. "I thought that was Julia Heartily's room?"
Even the Nightlight Lounge has changed. Some of the old décor still remained but they were covered over by some of the new tacky furnishings. It made me feel slightly ill to see all the gaudy decorating.
I sat down at the empty bar counter, something I had never done here before. I had no reason to. I always sat at my usual table, to stare at her when she performed. Now I had no reason to sit there. It wasn't my…our usual table anymore. Kiros, Ward and I don't frequent here anymore. Julia doesn't sing here anymore. No reason for me to be here anymore save to remise over old memories.
"So what will you be needing?"
The phrase 'the usual' almost popped out of my mouth but I managed to clamp my jaw down before it came out.
"What was that?"
"Umm…give me a Sylkis."
"Are you sure? Its pretty bitter, you know?"
Come to think of it, I never did drink any of those drinks. I admit it's usually because I didn't want to pass out drunk halfway through Julia's performance but I don't like drinking either. Only Kiros and Ward know and they never let me forget it either. They would jeer at how I couldn't hold my drink at all. Still, I wanted to forget how much Deling has changed…
"Make it a Mimett then."
"You know, I think a guy like you should stick with a simple cocktail." The barkeeper reached down and shook one up in a few minutes, all the while ignoring my protests and pleas. To add insult to the injury, he actually popped one of those ridiculous umbrellas in it.
"Enjoy your drink!"
I narrowed my eyes at him but he had turned his back already. So I just glared down at my drink. If Kiros and Ward were here now, I'll never be able to live this down.
"So what's your problem man?" The barkeeper turned around again and set a basket of chips in front of me. I grimaced and pushed them away. He ignored my gesture however and continued talking.
"What is it? Wife nagging at ya?" If only it were that.
I shook my head.
"Daughter got one of them freaks for a boyfriend?"
I smiled. Ellone had much better taste than that even if she isn't my daughter.
"Business doing badly?"
I frowned. It was doing too well and that was the problem.
"I give up. What is it?" Great. A barkeeper that has a bigger mouth than me. I wish the other two were here. They would never believe me if I told them. If I ever decide to tell them.
"You want me to mind my own business? Well, I suppose not everyone thinks the barkeeper is his advisor. You'll be surprised though." He went on chattering on and on. I half-listened but my mind was somewhere else.
"Say, you know you look awfully familiar." I tensed and immediately glanced quickly at him to check. No, it wasn't the same man. Of course it wouldn't be! That was nearly eighteen years ago!
"Haven't I seen you before?"
I took a gulp of my drink before replying tentatively. "I don't think so. I've never seen you before."
"I could have sworn I have. I just can't remember where." He frowned in thought and I swallowed hard. Please don't let him recognize me, I silently begged. I don't need the entire Deling to know Esthar's President is secretly here. I'll be getting all the publicity I need next week.
"Can't be. I haven't been here for a long time." I wasn't sure if I should have said that last sentence.
"Really? When were you last here?"
"I..don't remember. It's been a long time."
"I see. Busy with the wife and kids, huh?"
"Yeah…" Easier to lie than to explain.
"So you going to the treaty signing? Hey! Anything wrong?"
I must have jumped at least two feet from my seat. I turned my face away, hoping desperately that he won't suspect anything else.
"Nothing. I just remembered something I had to do. Sorry, gotta leave now. Thanks for the drink." I placed a few gil on the counter and hurriedly got up to make my exit. Then I saw something that arrested my entire pose.
"Who…who is that?" I pointed at the picture. The barkeeper looked up in surprise and glanced at the picture before looking at me again.
"That's Julia Heartily and her husband, General Caraway with their daughter. It was taken a few months before her car accident. You know, she used to work here at the Nightlight Lounge before she became a star. Pity about her accident though. Just killed the whole family."
I interrupted, not wanting to hear things I already knew. I wanted to know what I didn't know.
"That's her daughter?"
"Yeah sure. Rinoa Caraway."
Rinoa? Rinoa is Julia's daughter? Squall is in love with Julia's daughter? What does this all mean? Oh Hyne!
I stumbled back into the lobby, oblivious to the barkeeper's puzzled inquiries. I went up to my room without glancing at the receptionist or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to get into my room. Her room.
Room 715 was still the same. Nothing has changed. In an alienated city full of changes, Julia's room had not changed. Perhaps they've changed the carpet and the decoratings, but they have not changed the original décor. It was still Julia's room like I remember it.
I wasn't until I saw my bed that I realized my weariness. I looked into the mirror across the room and saw something that made me stare.
I've seen it a million times but not in this light, not in this situation.
In a room that has not changed for nearly eighteen years, I have changed. Yes, I have grown older but it was as if I was looking into a mirror that revealed my inner self. I have become a coward that runs from his only family. I have turned into a turtle that hides in its shell, afraid to see what was outside. I have become a man full of sorrow and burdens that were so hard to bear. And I had another revelation that somehow added weight to them even though I didn't know why.
Julia's daughter was in love with my son. The woman I had first loved had a daughter that my son loved.
Notes: This update is slightly late and I apologize for the delay. Schoolwork coupled with a broken phone line have been interrupting my time. Anyway, just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to all my readers. Your reviews meant a lot to me, encouraging me to continue on even though my schedule has been crazy. Hope you enjoyed the chapter and look forward to the next!
